And the worst thing was that he was walking the edge of leaping in even deeper, willingly, about to hand the reins of his life to someone else. He couldn’t. No matter how good it felt to belong, no matter how Dusk looked at him now, and how being around him made Abe’s heart throb, this friendship would eventually end, and the longer he allowed himself to forget that, the more painful would be the disillusion.
He should have left the day after they met. He should have enjoyed the amazing sex and romantic gestures when they were at their ripest and gone on his way before emotions stopped feeling temporary. Why had Dusk been so tempting when he asked Abe to stick around for a bit longer? And Abe wasn’t free of guilt either, because he could have just stayed in L.A. and carried on with his life. The truth was that he’d wanted to go with Dusk. And now it was too late to simply pack his bags and disappear.
The hurt in Dusk’s eyes flashed through Abe’s mind, and he winced, rubbing his shoulders as his stomach turned into a tight bundle of cramps.
He curled up on the armchair by the window. It had become dark outside since Dusk left, but Abe remained where he was, and with the lights out, he’d slowly drowned in darkness as the sun went down.
He didn’t feel like doing anything.
Cars passed the hotel along the highway nearby, and even on a moonless night the sky above was so bright Abe couldn’t see any stars. It was empty, like Abe’s chest.
When someone barged into the room, it felt like hours have passed, but it couldn’t have been that much. Dusk slammed his hand against the light switch. The room went so bright Abe had to squint, but he wasn’t sure what to think about the triumphant smile on Dusk’s face.
“Okay! It might be a bit of a bumpy road from here, but we’ll work something out.” He approached Abe in quick strides and scooted by the armchair with his phone.
Abe curled his shoulders, flinching from the sudden attention. His fortress of solitude was being invaded, and he wasn’t ready yet to smile and be the fun ‘Lolly’ everyone knew him as. “What are you talking about?”
“I’ve solved our problem. Have a look.” Dusk seemed no less enthusiastic when he leaned against the chair with his shoulder and pressed play on a video on his phone.
Abe cocked his head to the side at the sight of a video of Dusk in the hotel corridor. On the screen, he looked grim, deflated. But when he eventually spoke, some of his trademark liveliness was back despite the serious tone. After an initial greeting of all fans of The Underdogs, he was quick to change the topic, leaning forward and pressing his flat palms together between his knees. The view alone made Abe’s muscles go rigid.
“I’m gonna be straightforward about this. As much as I know most of you like me and Lolly as a couple, this whole “Dully” thing is really putting pressure on both of us. We do love all the tributes, and I was happy that people saw themselves in us, but what was supposed to be private suddenly became public, and all the attention we got as a couple has taken its toll. I think we weren’t ready for so much commitment so fast. I admit, as difficult as that is, that for the last week we haven’t been entirely truthful with all of you. We didn’t want to disappoint you, but then again, lying wouldn’t have been fair to anyone. I guess what I want to say is that we split up.”
Abe’s heart sunk, and as it dove deeper into his chest, it took with it so much blood and energy Abe fell back to rest against the back of the chair. A furious pulsing overcame his entire body, thudding in his ears and throbbing at his fingertips. In disbelief, he watched the speech go on and on while he bled disappointment so deep it was physically hurtful.
On the screen, Dusk continued, “That doesn’t mean we hate each other, or that we won’t be friends, but for now we decided to have a break. It’s no one’s fault, and we are still on very good terms, so you’ll see Lolly around, but I think we might have been wrong about going public with our feelings so fast in the first place. So yeah, hope this clears things up. Talk to you soon,” Dusk said in the video before leaning in to switch off the recording.
The real Dusk smiled up at Lolly as he put his phone back in his pocket, but Abe still noticed the video already had 57 comments and counting. The strawberry ice cream from earlier travelled up Abe’s throat.
“No pressure anymore. It can all be how you want it,” Dusk said and entwined their fingers.
Abe shuddered, looking down at their hands, only to pull away and twist out of the chair so rapidly he almost fell on the wooden floor. “What have you done?”
Dusk got to his feet, watching him as if Abe was a moth trapped in a jar. “I solved the problem. You didn’t want to be public like that. It bothered you that there was pressure to act a certain way.”
Abe exhaled and sharply pointed his finger at Dusk. “Oh, so you just did whatever came to your mind first? Without asking me?” he choked out, already feeling stranded. The pay he’d been receiving for acting as Dusk’s boyfriend had made him reckless about money, and he now had maybe ten bucks on him. Barely enough for a meal. What was he to do?
Dusk sighed in exasperation and spread his arms. “It just made sense! Is everything I do wrong? I’m trying my best here!”
“No. You’re not trying. You’re just doing whatever you want and expect me to follow. I’m done being compliant!”
“What are you even on about? I did this for you, because you were the one bothered by the payment situation!” Dusk stood closer to the door, as if anticipating Abe’s escape.
Words stuck in Lolly’s throat like a physical presence when he couldn’t exactly deny that claim. Anger sank its teeth into his flesh, and he paced between the walls, about to set the furniture on fire with the sheer power of his blazing fury. “You didn’t ask. You should have asked instead of making this decision for both of us.”
“Christ, Lolly! Why you gotta be such a pain? The video will be great for publicity, and we can still have an illicit secret affair going on.” Dusk wiggled his eyebrows. “We could even dramatically get back together in a few months, if you feel like it.”
Lolly stopped. Faced him. At once, all his doubts have cleared. “No. No, we won’t. I’m leaving.”
“Oh, come on, Lolly. We’ve got a good thing going on. We’ll find you another job you can do.”
Before Abe could choke up some more fury, the door opened and Mage barged in, looking between the two of them with pure madness in his eyes.
“What fresh hell is this?” He shook his phone at Dusk.
Dawn followed him, hiding his face under the baseball cap. His shoulders were shaking as if the video made him cry, and Abe rubbed his face, not knowing what to say either. He just wanted to leave. He wanted to be back on the road, far away from Dusk and his sweet kisses that came at the price of expectations and being tied down.
Dusk groaned. “It’s fine, I’ve got it under control. The Dully thing wasn’t working out.”
Mage stared at them. “What does that even mean?”
Sid pushed his head through the door, mohawk first. “What’s the racket?”
“Dusk and Lolly broke u—” Dawn tried to say, but his voice trembled too much for him to finish.
Dusk raised his arms. “We didn’t actually break up!”
“Yes, we did,” Lolly hissed and dashed for the door, pushing Mage and Sid aside to reach his freedom.
Chapter 11
Dusk’s head pounded as if it had been just used as a drum. He bolted to follow Lolly out the door, but Mage grabbed his arm and pulled him back.
“What is this drama? Talk to me. Now!” Mage rarely lost his cool, so it made Dusk pay attention, even though his heart was still set on following Lolly.
“I don’t know! It’s a disaster!”
“What do you mean? You posted this video without telling us? What the hell, Dusk? You can’t break up now!” hissed Mage, all wide-eyed.
Dusk stopped moving and stared back at him, struck that he hadn’t noticed when Dully really became a marketing ploy in the eyes of everyone but him
. “This isn’t a game. You can’t order Lolly around. And it’s my life too!”
Mage’s chest expanded, as if he wanted to scream, but in the end he backed away and leaned against the wall. He shook his head, looking completely deflated.
“So that fucking sucks,” Sid said, tapping his fingers against the doorframe. “Is he leaving? Now?”
Dusk’s shoulders sagged. He didn’t know anymore.
“But you like him so much,” Dawn whimpered and rubbed his eyes under his cap as if it was his life falling apart.
“Looks like he doesn’t feel the same way.” Dusk hugged himself, overwhelmed by a cold, shivery feeling climbing up his throat.
Dawn inhaled several times holding his lithe frame stiff. The way he made a sudden step forward and grabbed the front of Dusk’s T-shirt was so of the blue Dusk was rendered mute.
“Maybe he’s just angry. His things are still here. He won’t just disappear on you.”
Dusk took a deep breath to fight the itching in his eyes. How did he even get to this point? “He wasn’t happy with the payment thing. I thought a fake break-up would make it better…”
“Oh, for fuck’s sake, Dusk!” Mage growled, pushing away from the wall like an agitated wolverine. “You didn’t tell him either, did you?”
Sid tsked behind Dusk’s back, and the overwhelming disapproval rained on Dusk from all directions.
“Nobody’s perfect, okay?” Dusk lashed out. “I just wanted to make him happy. I’ve never liked anyone this much!”
Mage rubbed his temples. “Take down that fucking video, and then apologize. Why is this so hard? You’re better than this!”
Dusk nodded and reached for his phone. One step at a time, he would make all this up to Lolly. “We’ll talk later, guys, but I need to find him,” he said with one foot already out the door.
“You can do it,” Dawn cheered quietly, but if anyone joined him then Dusk didn’t hear any of it. Sprinting down the corridor, he tried to focus and think. He checked out the lobby and restaurant—even though the chances of Lolly going there while so agitated were slim. He rushed around the gardens and, panic-stricken, even ran to the highway to check whether Lolly wasn’t already looking for a ride, so angry at Dusk that he’d rather leave behind all his stuff than be forced to talk to him.
When he was running out of options, Dusk thought back of the previous night. He and Lolly had had some wine and snuck into the roof to have a night-time picnic. Stargazing was meant to be romantic, but so close to a city, the sky had remained empty to the naked eye, with a sheen reaching its dark blue firmament. They’d made love on the blanket, between bags of cement and other building supplies, and talked deep into the night. With building works underway, no one came up there so late. It was a peaceful spot, somewhere Lolly might have searched for solitude.
Like the night before, Dusk needed to pass a door meant only for staff, but he managed not to be seen, and when he walked out into the evening breeze on the rooftop, he noticed the pink hair in the faint light of the city.
He didn’t want to yell, so he made himself walk, even though his feet felt like they were made out of stone. If Lolly heard him, he wasn’t making it known. Seated in an old sunchair, Lolly watched the bright lights in the distance, completely still. His hair was a bit of a mess, and loose strands danced with the breeze whenever it blew.
Dusk stood next to him with his hands in his pockets and cleared his throat. “So… we’re broken up?” Even saying it out loud had Dusk’s stomach clenching. He’d never envisioned a future with anyone before, always lived in the now. And if he were to analyze it, he had started thinking lately of the things he could do with Lolly next summer, or if Lolly would stay with their family for Christmas. Did Lolly have a family of his own somewhere?
He’d never asked.
With the words impossible to ignore, Lolly stood up. He exhaled and hid his face in his hands, stepping toward the edge of the roof.
Dusk hoped deep down that this weird crisis, so unusual for Lolly, would end soon, and everything would be back to normal.
He reached out to pull on Lolly’s arm. “Does that mean we can now have some hot, angry make-up sex?” He tried to joke to lighten the mood, because he didn’t like standing so close to the edge of the roof one bit. It felt like the end of the road.
Lolly spun around, and Dusk felt the slap before he realized Lolly’s hand was aiming at his face.
“Your fans threw fucking food at me!”
Dusk stepped back, so shocked by the slap he didn’t know what to do. “I took down the video,” he muttered, afraid to even look into Lolly’s eyes.
Lolly let out a low groan, stepping in place. “And they all know me as Lolly too. It’s like I’m a professional hooker. I’m not your pet. You don’t get to name me or tell that name to other people. You don’t even know my actual name!” hissed Lolly.
Dusk had never seen him this angry, and had no idea what to do about it. It felt as if the fury had been boiling in Lolly for a while, only to explode in this massive splash, and burn Dusk with shame.
"I'm sorry I never asked," Dusk tried. “What is your name?” How could he have not asked all this time? He was such a dumbass.
Lolly swallowed several times, his eyelids twitching, as if he still considered whether Dusk was worthy of knowing the truth.
“It’s Abe.”
Dusk swallowed, and even though he couldn’t know for sure, when he heard the name he simply knew Lolly was the Abe. The one who posted all the amazing fanart of Dully. How could Dusk have missed that? Abe kept fiddling around on his laptop and always shut it whenever he was approached. He used an electronic pen too, and yet Dusk never considered asking him what it was that he did. As if it didn’t matter to him. Was he actually a really crappy boyfriend? Had the show been just about him all this time?
“I love you, Abe,” he choked out. “Please, don’t dump me.”
Abe stepped back, gasping for air. “What the hell… you can’t just say this to my face now.”
Dusk’s heart was sinking into his chest. Never in his life had he felt so bad. And yet if someone gave him the chance to just forget all about Abe, he wouldn’t have taken it. “I don’t know what else to do. Can’t we just go back to how it was in the morning?”
Abe pushed the heels of his hands against his eyes, breathing rapidly. “No. No, we can’t. This... thing we had has gone too far. I didn’t plan this.” Abe dropped his hands and glanced at Dusk again, like a pink fury in the faint light. “And this is just like you. You don’t listen. You’re not dependable, and then you want to fix everything with grand words and gestures.”
Dusk wasn’t sure what he could say to that to not make things even worse. He’d never professed love to anyone. He’d never been in love this way, and even in his thoughts he’d been afraid to touch upon it until it came out of his mouth. But it was true. He did love Abe, and his confession got crushed and thrown in the trash. His heart hurt so bad he couldn’t utter a word.
It took forever for Abe to speak again. He exhaled and looked at the sky, rubbing his arms vigorously as if he were cold. Dusk wished he could put his arms around Abe and make him warm, but at this point he knew it wouldn’t have been welcome.
“Look, Dusk... it’s been a great few weeks. It really has. I just... I don’t think I can be with anyone like this,” he said in the end.
Dusk swallowed, desperately trying to not imagine Abe with anyone else, because it was making his mind so overcast, it was getting hard to think. “It doesn’t mean you have to go.” Though he wasn’t yet sure how that could possibly work. All he knew was that if he lost sight of Abe now, he’d lose him forever.
Abe flinched. “What are you talking about? Of course I do. I’ll just disappear. It’s my thing,” he said, looking down, as if he didn’t want to meet Dusk’s gaze.
“No, really. This disaster is all my fault, and you depended on the money, and I wasn’t thinking. Now that the band’s popularity is gro
wing, there’s more stuff to do. You could stay and help out with whatever’s needed.” Please don’t go.
Abe bristled up. “I can look after myself. I wasn’t in it for the money!”
“I know.” Dusk automatically reached out for Abe’s hand, but quickly pulled back. “But you do need to live off something. It’s not charity. You’d work for it.”
Abe’s nostrils flared, and Dusk’s heart soared when he realized that the delay in answer meant Abe was considering the offer.
“I promise I wouldn’t be getting in your face,” Dusk quickly added, even though it split his heart in two.
Abe licked his lips and sunk his head between his shoulders. “Why?”
“Because you’re not just a lover. We’re friends. I don’t want to lose you.”
Abe watched him, cautious as a wild cat. “We are,” he agreed in the end.
Dusk sighed. “And you’re the Abe who drew all that pretty fanart, aren’t you?”
Abe blinked several times and looked away, crossing his arms on his chest. “Yeah.”
“You’re very talented…” Dusk thought back to all those pictures of them together, of Abe smiling on them, of the art always so beautifully rendered, full of soft, tender gestures that were so right and unpretentious. “I’m sorry I completely missed that. Will you allow me get to know you better?”
“As a friend,” Abe said forcefully.
Dusk took a deep breath and held out his hand. “As a friend,” he said, even though every fiber of his body screamed about just how wrong this felt.
Abe hesitantly met his gaze, not relaxing one bit, but he did accept Dusk’s gesture and squeezed his hand. The handshake felt formal. But it was the best Dusk could get, so he would take it.
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