by P. Jameson
“But your… your mating ritual…”
“Never happened. Me and Thames left out on our own that night. Never looked back. Found ourselves a temporary home with Cleaver, where we learned what real family is. And now a permanent home here, with the cats. And… with you.”
Mirena felt tears streaming down her cheeks and could do nothing to stop them. Her bear had been harmed so badly. By his own people. People who should have loved him, protected him.
“Theo?”
She swallowed hard, her heart breaking for him. For all he’d been through. She wanted to take it all away. Just erase his past and replace it with something beautiful and lovely. But then he wouldn’t be him. All the wonderful parts of him were formed out of the worst of his past. The fire that melts the sand into glass. The pressure that turns coal into diamonds.
“Come here, Rena,” he murmured, sounding like he was comforting her instead of how it should be, the other way around.
But she didn’t waste a second. She pushed out from the table and went to him, needing to touch him so badly it hurt.
Theo pulled her down to sit on his lap, his arms banding around her waist and hers grabbing onto his neck. He pressed his forehead to her temple and breathed in, long and deep. Her bear was taking in her scent, and even though she wasn’t a shifter, she breathed his in too.
“You see why I crumble when you say you’re mine? Why I’m a complete goner when you say… when you say I’m yours?” He shook violently and crushed her even closer. “I’ve dreamed about you since I was a young. When Thames would ask me to imagine my mate, you were what I imagined. You exactly. Breathtakingly brave, but a little afraid. Strong, but I could help you be stronger. A partner. Someone who treated me like I was worth something.”
“You’re worth it all,” she confirmed. Any risk. Nothing was too high, too much. She decided right then and there, she would always be his. A brave mate, who would let him care for her, because he needed to. One who would never deny him, never be cruel, and never let him think he’s not worthy.
Because no matter what, Mirena wasn’t going to let him lose anything else in his life. Most especially not her. Not when she needed him like her next heartbeat. It was time for the losses to start stacking up to wins.
She kissed her promise to his lips.
You’re worthy brave bear.
Chapter Eleven
Mirena walked along the bank of Lake Haven, looking for a place to be alone. Four days had passed since Theo scented her and announced her body was ready for conceiving. They’d spent most of the hours of those four days tangled together making the baby they both hoped for. But four days had passed without Theo scenting a young in her.
It wasn’t working.
And she hardly even cared about being anchored anymore, even though she knew how important it was. September was almost half over. Fall was coming too fast. There was already pumpkin spice everything around the lodge. The smell was starting to make her ill, and the first leaf hadn’t even given up its branch yet.
But what really bothered her was going one more day, one more hour, with no young in her belly. She was meant to be a mother. She knew it like she knew her name. And now nature was being an epic asshole and saying no.
She wanted to hit things. Hurt things. Like she was hurting.
She reached the wooden dock that stretched out over the water, several boats were parked but no one was around. Good a time as any to have a fit.
“Grrrrrr,” she screeched. “Fuck, fuck, fuck!”
She let her frustration go and kicked the side of the dock hard. Hurt the wood. Hurt the inanimate wood. And yeah, Theo was right. Bad words had healing properties. That’s it. She was taking up cussing. Maybe it would be her new hobby.
“Fuckety fuck-fucken fuck,” she said, louder this time, kicking again, and hurting her foot. She hopped on the good one, hissing at the pain. Dumb move. But somehow it was still better than stewing over her situation.
“Whoaaaa,” a voice came from over her shoulder. Mirena turned to find Layna staring wide-eyed. “I thought I was the most creative fuck talker here. You trying to take my place, witch?”
Mirena crossed her arms, eyeing the were-cougar. “Maybe. Sure.” Why not? She needed another challenge anyways.
Layna smirked. “Don’t get ahead of yourself, amateur hour.” She strolled past Mirena and stepped onto the dock. “Come on. I’ll teach you my ways.”
Mirena stared after the dark haired female. She was tall and slender and had the bold Native features of the Sorcera ancestors. The ones who communed with the mystics before them.
Mirena wasn’t up for conversation, but if the cougar could teach her more ways to vent, it might be worth it.
She followed Layna down the floating strip of wood planks all the way to the end. Flicking off her flip-flops, she settled on the edge and dipped her feet in the water, patting the dock beside her.
“Sit, witch. Let Layna hear your troubles.”
"Give me some more words first.” She wasn’t talking until she got what she wanted. And what she wanted was more healing curse words.
Layna lifted one eyebrow. “Okay. Let’s see… fuckballs is a good one. Dickwhistle. Twatwaffle, if you’re going for an insult. Shitsicle. Turfucken is handy around the holidays. Say it to Eagan to get the most bang for your buck.”
“Wow.”
“Yeah, see? With a little practice, you can be this good.” She waggled her eyebrows. “Now, what are you kicking shit for?”
Mirena sighed, hiking her dress up so she could sit cross-legged next to Layna. “You know I mated Theron, right?”
“Yes. Good choice. A little sarcastic, a little blunt, a little sweet. Hulking muscles.” Layna nodded, leaning back on her hands and looking out over the lake. “He’s good for you.”
“And you know we’re trying for a young?”
Layna nodded, squinting against the setting sun. “The shit you found in the tomes when Nastia was off her rocker. Using a baby as an Anchor.”
Mirena’s shoulders sagged. When put like that, she understood why Mason had bristled.
“It’s not just that.” She shook her head, frustrated with the whole situation. “Never mind. You wouldn’t understand.”
“You want a baby. Not just need one. You want to be a mother. You want to give your mate a young. You want to make a family. That about it?”
Mirena glanced at Layna, who still watched the sun go slowly behind the mountains.
“Yes.”
Layna sighed. “Anyone ever tell you about big cat mating rituals?”
Mirena shook her head.
“Big cats in the wild aren’t monogamous. They mate to procreate. It’s the same for cat shifters. Many werecat males breed their females for the sole purpose of making young, yet their animals never bond to them as life mates. On the other hand, the fucked up other hand… females bond to their males almost immediately. We have a strong sense of family. We want loyalty. We want to be a unit like any other family. But nature isn’t on our side. Male cats have to choose the commitment. It doesn’t come naturally like it does with the bears, the wolves, and so many other shifter types. And because of this, our lines are littered with destroyed females, fractured families, bitterness, and regret. We’re a fucked up shifter species.”
Mirena frowned. The Ouachita shifters seemed perfectly normal. She’d watched the cats with their mates and fallen in love with the idea of someday having what many of them had. Layna’s description didn’t make sense.
“Magic started this clan because of his own regrets. He wanted a safe haven for werecats who didn’t see mating as a possibility.”
“Ironic since only one of you is still unmated.”
Layna smirked. “Tell me about it. Love blindsided us all, and we found another way. A compromise. Now, our males fight for us, not against us. They protect our hearts instead of ignore them. Now we can have families. Ones where two parents are in it for the right reasons. Where fem
ales don’t end up broken and males aren’t floundering for the next lay because they can’t wrangle their animals. We’ve got a real good thing here, witch.”
Mirena agreed.
“But you wanna know why I told you all that?”
“Yes.” She did actually. They could trade creative curse words later.
“I became part of this clan so I would never have to be a mother. So I’d never owe my womb to any male just because my cougar called him mine. And now…” She let out a long sigh. “Now I’m in love with the most amazing human, mated to him. Bonded so hard I don’t even know where he ends and I begin. And it’s all I want, to give him my young. To make him a daddy, because I know he’d be an amazing one. And you know, I think I’d make a fucking good mom too.”
“Of course you would,” Mirena assured. “I didn’t know you and Ryan were trying too.”
Layna tossed her a sad smile. “Not anymore. I’m pregnant.”
Mirena’s mood lifted at the good news, even if it was tinged with a hint of jealousy. She opened her mouth to congratulate Layna, but the sadness on her face seemed odd, and Mirena held back.
“I don’t understand. You don’t sound happy.”
Layna was quiet, gazing at the water below them.
“I’m… not. I’m scared. And if you tell anyone I said that, I’ll deny the fuck out of it. But it’s the truth. I’m scared. Because I’ve been here three times over the past year, and every time… my body has betrayed me. I haven’t been able to keep a young in me, and I don’t know if this time will be the same, or not. Doc Davis says to keep it quiet until we know what will come of it. But if I lose this one…” Layna shook her head. “We’re going to stop for a while. We’re going to focus on our nieces and nephews. We’re going to be the most kickass aunt and uncle you ever saw.”
Mirena’s heart ached for Layna and her mate. The two of them had fought hard for Nastia when she was at her lowest. They were good people who didn’t deserve this kind of pain. But then, heartbreak didn’t pick and choose who it visited, did it? It was a vicious bastard that spread pain at his whim, forcing people to endure things they shouldn’t have to.
“I don’t doubt it for one minute, cat.”
Layna twisted her lips in a half smile.
“My point is, if it’s meant to be, it will happen. And if it’s not, we owe it to ourselves to find happiness some other way. Not the most uplifting message, maybe. But then again, you decided to have a heart-to-heart with me. So you should definitely be questioning your life choices right now.”
Mirena nodded, taking up the sunset gazing beside her friend. Silence passed with the sinking of the day, and when the sun was only a glow behind the mountain, they sat there still.
“What do you think of shittwister?” Mirena asked.
Layna shrugged. “You can do better.”
“Goatballed fucktoe?”
She turned to stare, one eyebrow raised. “That, I’d use.”
Mirena grinned big. “I dare you to.”
***
Theron gripped Mirena’s hand as he pulled her through the lobby and down the wing of the lodge that led to doctor Christina Davis’s office. He was nervous for this appointment and he could feel his mate was too. But it was necessary. Too many days had passed and Mirena still wasn’t pregnant with his young.
His plan was falling apart and he was terrified he was going to lose her. Even worse, she wanted this baby badly. He could feel how much she ached to be a mom every time he scented her and came up negative. Not being able to give it to her was crushing him. The disappointment was piling up and he couldn’t take one more day without knowing what was wrong with them.
Doc would have answers. She had to. He’d known the cougar shifter for years. From back in his days working at Cleavers. She’d been one of the falcon shifter’s adoptees, working for him just like the bears. A female determined to keep her werecat mate from claiming her, like so many females of her generation. It was how she came to be one of Magic’s clan, caring for the cats and patching up unfortunate accidents visitors got into.
But in those years and since, Theo had seen Doc work miracles. She was smart. She was skilled. And he had to believe she’d know what to do.
Stopping in front of the heavy wooden door, he turned to Mirena.
“You ready?”
She drew up a deep breath, reaching for her bravery, he knew. “Let’s do this.”
He bent to kiss her forehead, and then reached for the door.
But it opened before he got to it, Josie and her blueberry belly blocking the way.
“You,” she hissed, eyes narrowing. “Where are my gummy bears, bear?”
Oh, shit. Shiiiiiit.
“I… uh… they…” His mind grappled for an explanation, but came up empty. “Forgot?”
She shook her head, looking betrayed. “I trusted you. Now I have no gummy bears and Doc says at least another week to go. What am I going to do now, huh? Tell me that, bear? If you were sweet, I’d take a hunk out of your arm. But no, you are not sweet. And you, sir, are a breacher of deals.”
Theo stared, afraid to blink. Were all pregnant females like this?
“You know,” Mirena cut in, her tone level. “Adira has a gummy worm stash. Not bears, but I bet you she’d help a sister out.”
This seemed to calm Josie.
“You think?”
“Yeah. Sure. Just tell her I sent you.”
“Worms aren’t bears,” Josie sniffed, attempting to cross her arms over chest but failing because of her belly. “But they might work in a pinch. Thanks, Mirena.”
Mirena gave her a sympathetic smile. “Anytime.”
Josie edged past them, and Theo escaped into Doc’s office.
She looked up from her desk with a bright smile, staring at them over her thick rimmed glasses. With her blond hair slicked back into a bun, she gave off a librarian vibe. No one would suspect she was loud, full of sass, had a PhD, and could shred a fucker with her claws. She’d earned the brother bears’ respect within her first five minutes at Cleavers.
“Hi, Doc,” Theo grumbled, while Mirena gave her a small wave.
“Go ahead and have a seat. Let’s talk, and see what I can do for you.”
He’d rather pace out his nervousness, but he did what she suggested and lowered himself onto the small leather couch along one wall, pulling Mirena down beside him. He fit her neatly against his side, and she leaned into him, making his heart hammer in his chest.
“So, you’re trying for a baby…” Doc started, like she wanted one of them to finish the sentence.
“Yes.” Mirena nodded. “But it isn’t what you think. Well, it is. But it isn’t.”
A crease formed between Doc’s brows. “Can you explain what that means? And remember, I’m not here to judge you, Mirena. I’m just here to see if I can help. And I do want to help. You’re both a part of us now. Family.”
Mirena took a deep breath and tried again.
“Well, it’s true what the others are saying. We think a baby can anchor me to my light, but that isn’t the only reason for doing this. We…” She glanced at Theo and he gave her a nod of encouragement. “We want a family. We want to start our future together.”
Doc nodded, her eyes softening. “No one thinks bad of you for wanting to live your life. Even if there is something on the horizon, why wouldn’t you live your best until it found you? It makes sense to me.”
Mirena shook her head. “I don’t know if that’s true, Doc. Mason thinks bad of me.”
Once again, Theo wanted to murder the guy. But he was family now. Family wasn’t on the “can kill” list.
Doc’s gaze shifted away and her mouth pressed into a line while she shuffled some papers around her desk. Finally she said, “Mason has his own issues with the subject of young. But that has nothing to do with you. Trust me. And don’t misinterpret his problems as yours. You don’t need that right now.”
Mirena eyed her.
“He’ll come around. You’ll see. Now, tell me why you’re here exactly.”
Mirena looked at Theron, teeth biting her lip.
“It isn’t working,” he told Doc. “She’s fertile, and it isn’t taking.”
Doc cocked her head to one side, considering his words. “Mirena… may I scent you?”
“Uh… yes? Yeah. Sure.”
Doc stood and walked around her desk and Mirena met her in the middle of the room. Expertly, Doc took her wrist in one hand and lifted it to her nose, inhaling deep. With a frown, she bent forward and sniffed near Mirena’s shoulder before stepping back.
“You are fertile,” she confirmed. “How many days has it been?”
“Five.”
Doc’s face stayed neutral, but Theo’s animal knew they were running out of time.
“And even with your unique background, I’m assuming your cycle is much like any human’s?”
“Yes. We have all the characteristics of an ordinary human despite how we are born. Just like shifters. We are human, only altered.”
Doc tapped her chin with one finger.
“That means you have maybe a day left of your heat. Is there anything you’ve noticed that’s felt… odd? Any pain or weakness? Anything like that?” She glanced at Theo. “You too. Anything out of the ordinary happening under the hood for you?”
Theo shook his head. Everything was working just fine on his end. His bear didn’t recognize anything wrong.
Mirena was silent, her hand resting on her lower stomach.
“Mirena?” Doc urged.
“There’s… I’m sure it’s nothing.”
“Tell me,” Doc said gently.
“Well it’s… my scar. My wound, from when Nastia hit me. It doesn’t hurt exactly. But it’s tender sometimes, and feels tight. Not often though. That can’t be the problem, right Doc?”
Doc was quiet, and Theo wanted to shake the answer from her.
“Right, Doc?” he asked, the back of his neck tingling with foreboding.
“I’d like to examine you,” she murmured to Mirena. “Have a look, do some tests. See what, if anything, is causing you problems inside.”