by P. Jameson
“O-Okay. Yes. If you think that will help.”
Doc tried for a reassuring expression but Theron wasn’t buying it. “I think it could at least point us in the right direction.”
Mirena nodded. “When?”
“Now, if you’re ready.”
“As I’ll ever be.”
“Okay then, Mirena.” Doc put a hand on her shoulder and ushered her toward a door off to the side of the desk. “Right in here is the exam room.”
Theo stood to follow but when he reached the door, Doc turned on him.
“Stay here.” Her tone demanded no argument, but Theo wasn’t having it. He’d stay by his mate’s side no matter what anyone said.
“Hell no,” he snapped. “I need to hold her hand.”
“Theo—” Doc started, but Mirena cut in.
“I’ll be fine, bear. It’s just a few tests. Just a little while and we’ll have an answer. Wait out there for me.”
Theron frowned at his mate. He didn’t want to wait anywhere unless it was right next to her.
He glared his disapproval, but she gave him that soft smile he loved, and he couldn’t go against her.
“Fine,” he grumbled. “I’ll just uh… be out here. Waiting. And shit.”
Doc pushed him out and closed the door but he couldn’t make himself walk back to the couch. So he stared at the cold wood between him and his mate, completely unaware of the passing time.
Chapter Twelve
It seemed like hours dragged by while Theo stood there, waiting for Doc to open the door to the exam room. When his feet went numb he started pacing the small space, but it didn’t ease the worry churning in his gut.
Something is wrong, his bear chuffed. Wrong. Something feels wrong.
His instinct was roaring behind his chest, and it was never off. Something was happening behind that door and it wasn’t good. The tangled emotions hitting his mating bond confirmed his suspicion.
Just as he’d decided to tear the door down and take his place beside Mirena, Doc’s face emerged in a crack in the opening.
“Come on in,” she told Theo. Her face looked weary and sad, and he felt like he was walking to his doom. The same feeling he’d had on his Reading Day, and he hadn’t been wrong about it that time either.
Inside the room, Mirena sat on an exam table. She was hunched in on herself, her arms wrapped tightly around her middle. And she didn’t look at him. Her eyes stayed on the floor even as he put his arm around her. She stiffened at his touch and he felt like he’d been punched in the sternum. His breath was dead in his chest. Couldn’t catch it no matter how he tried.
He glanced at Doc, silently begging her to explain.
She leaned against the counter, crossing her arms over her chest, like she was hurting too. Maybe she was. He knew Doc Davis had a heart the size of Alaska.
Clearing her throat, she said, “The tests I ran revealed the problem, Theo. This… this isn’t easy to say, and it will be even less easy to hear—”
“Doc, please,” he pushed out, finally able to drag some air into his lungs.
She nodded, eyes big, warning him before her words made it real. “Mirena can’t become pregnant.”
Again, Theo’s breath was stolen. But this time his knees went weak too. His body just numbed like it forgot how to function and he had to support himself on the edge of the table. He was aware of Mirena beside him, could feel her pain mixing with his own through their bond, but hell if he could do anything to ease her.
Doc surged forward with her explanation as if she was unaware how his bear roared inside for this injustice. Yet another one in a long list of wrongs he’d been dealt.
“There is a web of scar tissue around her ovaries and uterus. A result of the magic burn she sustained. The root of the problem is that her fallopian tubes appear blocked and can’t carry an egg through to the uterus.”
Theo swallowed hard trying to make his voice work, but his mouth fished open unable to form the question he needed to ask.
Goddamn it.
He tried again, and managed a weak croak. “What can be done for it?”
Doc could fix her. Them. Doc could fix anything.
But she shook her head sadly, and he knew what was coming next.
“I’m afraid nothing. Surgery could be attempted, but it’s very dangerous and would likely only produce more scarring, causing Mirena even more problems in the long run.”
No, bear growled. Can’t risk mate.
Theron agreed.
“The mating bond. It can heal her. Right?”
Doc tilted her head. “I’d don’t think so, Theo. She would be healing already. The burn was caused by magic. I don’t think a mating bond can change magic. The same way Thames couldn’t heal Nastia.”
“So…” Again, he struggled for words. But he needed to be clear there was no chance of him and Mirena ever having young. “This… is it?”
Doc nodded. “I’ll always say it straight, Theo. You and your mate can’t produce a cub.” Her voice was soft, but sure.
He turned to Mirena who sat stiff and cold on the table. No tears fell. She didn’t look up from the floor.
He needed to get her out of here. See to her. Give her a safe place for her to cry and mourn their loss. And when they’d done that, he’d find another way to anchor her to the light. Because he was keeping her no matter what he had to sacrifice.
Theo took her cold hand in his and tried not to flinch when she jerked at his touch.
“Let’s go, mate,” he whispered, pulling her down off the table.
She nodded but didn’t let him keep her hand. Straightening her shoulders, she walked through Doc’s office to the door. Theo followed her, his bear scared and tumbling into a freefall.
Just get her home. Get her safe. Everything will be okay.
Through the lodge they walked, Mirena robotically while Theo trailed behind. Outside, they crossed the footbridge and started on the trail that led to their cabin. But when they climbed the steps of the porch, she stopped. Theo slid around her to unlock the door, and when he opened it, she didn’t go inside.
“Mate?” he murmured. “Let’s go.”
Mirena shook her head, eyes still unfocused and downcast. “I wouldn’t be like this if I hadn’t…”
Theo stiffened at the realization, a million things tumbling into place at his feet. A million guilts and regrets and a dreaded prophecy come true, and none of them things he could change.
No. No, no.
“Rena,” he choked, and she finally looked at him, her eyes so big he could see all the whites.
“I’d be able to have children if I hadn’t stepped in front of my sister’s attack.”
Her words stung him so deep his bear let out a shameless whimper. And it wasn’t that she’d said them, it was the fact that they were true. She’d be able to have the baby she so wanted if only she hadn’t chosen him as mate. If only she hadn’t stepped in to keep him safe from Nastia’s attack. If she’d chosen any other male… none of this damage would have been done to her.
Regrets. His mate was destined to regret ever choosing him. That’s what the Mother Bear said.
All the pain of that day came back to him, except this time, it was worse. Because he’d had her, his mate, within his grasp. He’d loved her and felt her love returned. She’d healed so many of his wounds, made him forget he’d been cursed at all. And now he was the cause of her worst pain.
She spun on her heel, bounding down the steps of his cabin, and his panicked bear clawed him up inside.
“Wait! Rena!” He ran after her, but she twisted to face him, a deadly look on her face.
“Don’t follow me, bear.”
Shit. Fuck.
She commanded him to stay. His bear would listen.
“Mate, please,” he choked. “Can we talk before you…?” Leave me. Theo swallowed hard but it felt like poison in his throat. His mind grappled for something to say. Some way to make her remember all the good things
they still had left to fight for. “I need… I just…”
Mirena turned and stalked off down the trail without another word, and all Theo could do was watch her walk away as his bear roared inside.
“Shit,” he breathed, twisting to slam his fist into the door.
Pain exploded around his knuckles but it felt better than what was happening on his insides. With a roar, he repeated the action over and over until the door to the cabin was cracked and splintered.
Heaving and out of breath, he pressed his forehead to the broken wood and let his pain take him.
She was gone. Mate was lost. Another crack in his heart he’d never be able to fix.
“Fuck,” he hissed, slapping his palm against the door.
It hurt too bad. Everything hurt too much. There was only one thing to do. The way he’d coped as a young when the betrayal and ridicule was too painful for him to handle.
He’d give it to his grizzly.
With one last vicious roar, Theo let the animal rip through his body. Dark brown fur replaced skin. His fingers lengthened to form massive curved claws. His eyes became the brown of his bear, the blue human ones fading to nonexistence.
Standing on his hind legs, his plate sized paw smacked at the rails of the porch to do damage. He could never live in this cabin again. Not the one he’d prepared for his mate. The one he’d shared with her for even a short time.
But something made him stop. Instinct told him he’d regret destroying the place they’d shared their first kiss, their first everything.
With a pained chuff, he dropped to all fours and lumbered from the porch. He needed to be wild. Be a bear. Later he’d decide how to live with being human again.
***
Mirena stomped through the thick foliage, deviating from the dirt packed path. She kicked rocks aside, moved branches to make way, and took a few leaf-slaps to the face in the process. But it was the shortest way to Nastia’s cave, and she was in a hurry.
She was going to kill her.
This was all Nastia’s fault.
Theo was losing yet another thing in his life and it was all her fault. She had let the darkness overtake her. Let it bleed out of her in a fit of rage, burning a scar in Mirena that couldn’t be cut away. And now Theron would never have a baby of his own to hold. He’d never have the chance to do all those things he and Thames dreamed about behind the dumpster.
Mirena froze mid-step as she heard a vicious growl rip through the air. It was far away, but somehow, she knew it was her bear. And no matter the distance, she could feel his despair. It bled like death through their mating bond.
She hurried forward. She had to get back to him soon. They only had a little time before the equinox and she wanted to spend it making up for the awful things she’d brought into his life.
Then she’d transition and return to the darkness since there’d be no baby to anchor her.
She shivered at the wind that whipped her hair into a frenzy. The sky was growing dark through the canopy of the trees. A storm was brewing. It reminded her of the night they’d fought for Ouachita and Nastia has used dark magic to kill their foe. It reminded her of the night the darkness took control of Nastia and she used it against the clan. It reminded her of the Before.
Would Mirena let tonight be another one of those? Was that what was happening to her?
She squeezed her eyes closed. Focus. Focus on light.
Theron. He was all that mattered now.
The wind whisked the clouds back, and in the darkening sky she could see the stars beginning to peek through the gray canvas. Those were her lights. The ones she came from. The mystics that fed her magic. They were still with her.
Mirena climbed the short ridge, yanking at her skirt as it caught on a bramble. And then she was back on the path, mere steps from her sister’s cave.
She stalked up to the wide door that had been built into the cave entrance and lifted her hand to give it a knock.
“Fuck that,” she muttered, and threw both hands at it, channeling all the magic she could muster.
With a loud pop, the wood cracked and the inlaid glass shattered, sending shards flying in every direction. Pushing aside the broken pieces, she stepped into the cave, marching down the short hall until she reached the big open area Thames and Nastia used as a living room/kitchen combo.
“Sister!” Nastia gasped when she spotted her. Thames was nowhere to be found.
“You,” Mirena hissed accusingly.
Nastia stiffened. “Mirena what is this? Does the darkness have a hold on you?”
The darkness wasn’t with her. Mirena didn’t feel any of the inky blackness she remembered from the Before. No, all she felt was righteous anger. Vengeance for her mate who was suffering. For herself, and the loss she was enduring. The loss of a future, of a family. She felt pain because she was broken beyond fixing. And it was because of her own damn sister.
“You injured me,” she screamed, and Nastia’s face contorted with confusion and pain.
“Mirena, please. Tell me what this is about.”
Words were weak. She was brave. She’d show her.
Mirena yanked viciously at the buttons of her dress until her scar was exposed. “This,” she screeched. “You did this. And it goes deep, sister. All the way to my womb.”
Nastia’s eyes went big and Mirena could see pain reflected in them as realization bled over her features.
But her sister’s pain did nothing to ease her own. In fact, she hurt worse just knowing the guilt she was taking part of. Nastia harbored much of it, she knew. And Mirena thought coming here, and blaming her, would somehow give her peace over her and Theo’s loss.
Except it didn’t do any such thing.
“I… I…” She felt the tears coming. They burned her eyes like acid, betraying how her pain was stronger than her anger. So much stronger. “I can’t… have… Nas, I can’t have... a baby… I can’t…” She couldn’t breathe as grief overtook her like a tsunami. She rolled and rolled in it, drowning. Flailing. “This isn’t fair,” she cried. “Not fair, Nas. I’m supposed to be a mother and I’m supposed to stay with Theo. Now I have neither. It’s… it’s… not fair.”
She fell to her knees on the floor, unable to help the sobs that ripped from her in jerking wails. Despair wracked her, shaking her to her core. How could this be happening? Now, when she’d found happiness with Theo. She wanted to scream why from the tallest mountain and demand an answer from whoever was in charge of life. Why wasn’t she allowed to have what Josie had, or Bailey? Why was Theo still having to suffer losses after all that had already been taken?
Why?
“Not fair.”
Arms came around her, squeezing tight, just like they had those times when they were children. When she’d been afraid of the darkness, before she was brave.
“I know,” Nastia hitched. “I know, brave sister. It isn’t fair. Nothing is fair. Nothing in the mystics and nothing on earth. There is only what is. There is only reality and sometimes, it just can’t be fair. And I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry for what I did you. But… sister, it wasn’t me. I fought the darkness as long as I could.” Nastia let out a jagged sob of her own. “I did my very best, I did. Never wanted to hurt you. Never wanted any of this.”
Mirena clung to her, hearing the words that were true. The darkness had control of Nastia when she attacked the clan. And if those words were true, it meant there was nobody to blame. This was nobody’s fault. It wasn’t Nastia’s, not Mirena’s, and not Theo’s. Not the Ouachita cats’. Not the mystics’.
It just was.
If there was anything to blame, it was the nature of magic itself. The yin and the yang. The necessary evil that existed to temper the good. It was the evolution of a Sorcera’s light magic returning to darkness. It was the nature of who she was, who her sisters were.
It just was.
“I’m so sorry,” Nastia whispered. “If I could fight this for you, and change it, I would. In a heartbeat, I wo
uld. If I could undo the way I was deceived the night I hit you, I would. But nothing can change what has happened and we have to live with the reality of our existence.”
“How?” Mirena wailed. “How do I do that?”
Her sister vibrated with her sobs, hugging Mirena tighter as if it could hold her together. And it did. Somehow, it gave her strength. Even if just a little.
“You… you make the best of it. You live the best life you can. You find new things to fulfill you. You be the best version of yourself. And you never compromise who you are even when you hurt so bad you don’t recognize yourself. Like now, Mirena. Look at you. Look how strong you are. I don’t feel any darkness on you. Not any. Even with your despair, even with your pain, you remain pure.”
Hadn’t Layna said the same thing? Make the best of your reality. Both females were the tell-it-straight sort. Logical in their reasoning. Both were people she trusted. But how could she think logically when her heart was breaking?
It was impossible.
Clinging to Nastia, she had a good cry. She cried for the things she’d never have, and for the things she could’ve had. She cried for the future and what it meant for her now. She cried for the loss of her family. She cried for Theo and what losing her would mean for him. She cried for the clan, because they’d have to pick up his pieces when she transitioned. She cried for Layna, and for Nastia, and for Adira, who might not find a way to anchor.
She cried, letting her sister hold her. Letting her tears fall to the wooden floor and form a puddle, while the aching flowed along the mating bond. Her bear was hurting just like she was.
She needed to go to him.
Pulling back, she managed to brush her tears aside and meet Nastia’s watery gaze. But her sister’s expression held a question.
“What?” Mirena asked, dashing more wetness from her eye. The tears couldn’t seem to stop coming.
“You’ve found your Anchor.”
Mirena frowned, shaking her head.
“Yes, sister. You have. This tragedy should have broken you. Should have snuffed out the light in you. The darkness should at least be tempting you, whispering to your heart, asking you to do things you shouldn’t. But… it’s not, is it?”