Belong

by Radha Agrawal

  O

  Oxytocin

  Activated by physical touch

  Make an effort to hug someone today instead of shaking their hand. Positive human touch releases oxytocin and it’s vital for our health and happiness.

  S

  Serotonin

  Activated by mood, behavior, appetite, sleep

  Increase your serotonin levels naturally: Go outside and get some sun! Work out or share three things you’re grateful for when you wake up.

  E

  Endorphins

  Activated by working out, getting heart rate up

  Release your endorphins naturally: Exercise! Run! Dance! Burn calories! Laugh!

  Why do we separate our bodies from our minds?

  We go to therapists for our minds and go to the gym for our bodies—forgetting that they’re intertwined and connected. Why do we sit in chairs to talk about our feelings and exercise our bodies without understanding the effect on our minds?

  To truly understand energy, we must first understand the interconnectivity between our bodies and our minds.

  Sit with that for a moment. Do you compartmentalize your mind and body?

  Now imagine if we could go to a Mind Gym.

  What if this Mind Gym had fitness circuits for both our brains and our bodies?

  We would quickly learn how to release our D.O.S.E. naturally in the same way we currently build our muscles and strengthen our cardio. Since I’ve been D.O.S.E.-ing for the last five years and focusing on this natural release, I’ve felt the most epic highs of my life. Now when I’m out and friends ask me what I’m on, I smile and say, “I’m D.O.S.E.-ing.” When they reply, “Dosing on what?!” I answer, “On myself!” And then I dance away.

  What D.O.S.E.-ing Actually Does to Our Brains

  Dopamine

  Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that helps control your brain’s reward and pleasure centers. It motivates you to take action toward your goals and gives you a rush of reinforcing pleasure when you achieve each goal. When I wake up and go to the gym (or to Daybreaker ), I get an exciting dopamine rush. It’s my brain saying, “Good job, Radha! You set a goal for yourself and did it!” It’s our brain high-fiving and congratulating us for getting sh*t done. Any goal we hit is rewarded by dopamine.

  As with everything, there’s a good side and a dark side to dopamine. The dark side is our addictive tendencies toward our phones and our brains tricking us into thinking, “That feels good!” It’s the dings and notifications that lure us deeper into our phones, looking for the reward of a “like” or amusing tweet, and push us farther away from real connection. As I mentioned before, app developers have learned all the tricks from casinos! As you become more self-aware, you’ll actually feel the pull of addiction to checking your phone. That’s the first step to being able to resist! I’ll keep on giving you suggestions on how to do that—and soon you’ll find you’d rather check in with your body than your phone.

  Oxytocin

  Oxytocin is often referred to as the “cuddle hormone.” When we hug, touch, or kiss someone, our oxytocin levels increase. Social recognition, forming trust, reducing fear, and being generous are all by-products of oxytocin release. As psychotherapist Ranjan Patel beautifully said, “Biologically, we’re born with the drive to touch. Psychologically, we thrive when touched, and spiritually, we grow with it. . . . Without touch, we would have no life on this planet, and without it, we would die as a species. Deep in our heart, we’re hungry for it, and when we get it, we’re jolted into pure sensate feeling.”

  Patel goes on to say, “In a famed study, a researcher studied how many times friends touched each other while sitting at a café. In Mexico City, couples touched each other 185 times. In Paris, 115 times. In London, zero times. In Gainesville, Florida, twice. We are not a touch-oriented culture. For all our obsession with sex, in contrast to other cultures, Americans are physically starved.”

  While building trust is a great by-product of an oxytocin release, there is an aspect of it that we should be aware of. Oxytocin Overload can make us feel territorial over our friendships and communities. From a macro level, Oxytocin Overload can also inspire cliques, groupthink, and ethnocentrism (where we think our culture or group is better or more important than others). I’ve definitely felt territorial when my best girlfriend started hanging out with another friend. At the time, I didn’t have a language for that feeling. While I was happy that she had made another friend, I was also irrationally jealous about their new budding relationship. It was a feeling I had to face and overcome. Now I can tell when I’m getting territorial and I acknowledge the Oxytocin Overload and let that feeling move through me toward a more supportive place.

  Serotonin

  Serotonin is considered a natural mood stabilizer and helps to reduce depression and regulate anxiety. It’s also the brain chemical that helps with sleeping, eating, and digesting. We feel calmer, happier, and more focused when our levels are normal. When we feel significant or important, our serotonin flows. This is why belonging to a group or community feels so good—when we’re a part of something bigger than ourselves, our serotonin levels increase. On the flip side, when we feel lonely or depressed, our serotonin is low. Here are ways to increase your serotonin levels naturally:

  Go outside and get some sun!

  Work out!

  Practice gratitude and take a moment to reflect on past achievements!

  Join a group or community!

  The thing is, when humans were hunters and gatherers, we would spend all day outside running around in the sun getting exercise and lots of light. Now that we’re more sedentary and indoors most of the day, it’s harder to get our serotonin release, and many of us turn to pills or unnatural means to lift our mood. So when you’re feeling down, ask yourself if you’ve been outside or practiced gratitude or connected with like-minded friends and see where that takes you!

  Endorphins

  Endorphins are morphine-like chemicals released from the pituitary gland that help diminish pain and trigger positive feelings. They get released in times of stress, pain, orgasm, and strenuous exercise. The terms “second wind” and “runner’s high” come from that endorphin release. Here are a few ways to release your endorphins naturally:

  Exercise! Run! Dance! Burn calories! Laugh! Listen to comedy! Learn a few jokes! Build your sense of humor!

  Now, instead of thinking, “I have to go to the gym and work out,” I think, “I have to go to the gym and release my D.O.S.E.,” which gets me excited to put on my gym shoes!

  Use the doorway trick to refresh your energy.

  D.O.S.E.-ing also helps you hold your temperature and maintain a positive energy. I love the expression “Be the thermostat, not the thermometer.” It means be the type of person that holds your temperature at a sunny 70 degrees, like a thermostat, regardless of the energy around you, rather than being a thermometer and mirroring others’ energy.

  I have a trick that reminds me to be the thermostat: I use a doorway as my energy-refreshing opportunity. Before I enter any room, I like to stop at the door, take a few deep breaths, and remind myself to “be the thermostat and not the thermometer.” If I have a stressful conversation, going through the doorway reminds me that I can refresh at any time and choose a new, energetic direction. It actually works—try it!

  Focus on Five Sense Friends (FSFs)

  We have five incredible senses, but use only one or two in our texting and phone interactions. What’s up with that?! We’ve replaced our ability to “feel” one another through our animal instincts and five senses with “judging our emoji game.” When all five of our senses are activated and firing on all cylinders, we feel happiest and most connected to one another.

  Let’s focus on cultivating Five Sense Friends—or FS
Fs. I’ve made a rule for myself: For every friend I keep in touch with primarily electronically, I have to cultivate one FSF who I will see regularly and engage with fully. Let’s stop replacing FSFs with Instagram followers! Followers are for marketing ourselves, FSFs are for feeding our souls and experiencing an authentic relationship. Let’s also keep from confusing the use and enjoyment of all our senses with being sexual. That’s great, but there’s more to it! Paying attention to our five senses in all our relationships, not just our romantic ones, is vitally important in developing a sense of belonging.

  This week, anytime you go through a doorway, take a deep breath, allow yourself to refresh your energy, and think:

  So What Would Your World Look Like If You Focused on Being an FSF?

  Seeing: Making eye contact is the backbone of belonging and connection.

  Hearing: Listening to one another allows for love and empathy to grow.

  Tasting: Eat together! Feed each other! It has been a crucial part of connection since the beginning of time.

  Touching: We cannot survive without touch and skin to skin connection. Hugging, holding hands, or cuddle-puddling is key to feeling a sense of belonging.

  Smelling: We are all animals, and getting used to one another’s smells inspires a sense of belonging—our pheromones dancing together allow for a deeper connection.

  Close your eyes and activate each of your senses (yes, even sight!). Touch your arm, taste what’s on your tongue right now, smell the room you’re in, and listen for any sounds. What do you hear? What do you smell? What do you taste? What texture do you feel? What do you see when your eyes are closed? This sensory awareness is going to be important for when we Go OUT.

  Be an FYF—F*ck Yeah! Friend

  If there’s one thing you get out of this book, this is it.

  At a dinner party, I asked my dear friend Mark what his New Year’s resolution was. He said, “I’m going to be a f*ck yeah friend this year. I’ve been so focused on work; but this year, I want to enthusiastically say yes to all social engagements with humans I want to connect with more meaningfully.” As I thought about it, I realized being an FYF (F*ck Yeah! Friend) is the cornerstone of making friends and building community. My happiness and success as a community builder are directly attributable to being an FYF and surrounding myself with other FYFs. Being an FYF means your body language says, “F*CK YEAH! I’M IN.” It means not being too cool for school and not shoulder-shrugging. Being an FYF means you SHOW UP.

  Fully. Presently. Lovingly. Energetically. Empathetically. Intentionally. Courageously. Vulnerably. Curiously.

  Also, saying no to misaligned or depleting communities will give you the space to be an FYF for those who inspire a real sense of belonging and will fill up your tank. Developing your filter by simply being aware of who you’re saying yes and no to will be game changing as you Go OUT.

  Notice how you’re showing up this week. What are you saying yes and no to? Are you leaning in and saying an enthusiastic YES!!? Or are you putting on a mask of “cool” or “I don’t care”? Get gently curious as to why you’re acting that way. Try being an FYF this week and see what happens. What happens when you FULLY show up? See how it impacts your day! “Be an FYF!” is now in many employee handbooks too! #proud

  Showing Up

  SHOWING UP is key to making real friends and building lasting communities. We’ve made phrases like “I’m overwhelmed,” “It’s so intense,” and “It’s so hard and scary” a part of our day-to-day language. That way of being gives us support and excuses that keep us from putting our shoes on and showing up. You end up cheating yourself—and others.

  SHOWING UP is more than physical. You’re not showing up if you’re distracted, on your phone, inauthentic, or in the clouds. Showing up means helping out. Showing up means adding value. Showing up means wagging your tail. It’s also about being CONSISTENT and patient. Belonging develops over time, and it rewards you forever.

  SIT WITH THIS. And then go back through Part 1 as often as you can. These ideas can serve you all your life, through different ages, stages, and the inevitable ups and downs we all experience. When you show up, you are not alone. So keep Going In to always, eventually, Go Out!

  Part II

  Going Out

  This is where life gets really exciting. Buckle your seatbelt— we're Going OUT.

  Chapter 5

  Where to Find Your People

  The Four Stages of Community

  When you move to a new city, start school or a new job, or just realize you want new relationships in your life—where do you look? It can be overwhelming. Understanding the Four Stages of Community will help you navigate this expansive and often paralyzing world and give you clear steps to answer the question, “Where the heck do I find my people?!”

  Four Stages of Community

  To find your people, you have to be willing—and generous— with your energy.

  Stage 1: Exploratory

  It is easy and tempting to fall into communities or groups that are convenient. Who doesn’t want easy and convenient? But convenience doesn’t always lead to best. When we do a full Mars Rover exploration of what’s around us, we’re more likely to end up in communities that are soul-filling. Think of this as a period of learning about yourself. What are you excited about right now? What are you reading? Consuming? Creating? What do you want to contribute to a community? Go into every situation curious, with your beginner’s mind open.

  Flip back to Chapter 3 and do a refresher on your Values, Interests, and Abilities (VIA), then start mapping out your city (or state or town or wherever) for places and groups that align with your interests. Exploration can also start online. This is where the internet is magic! Just don’t get stuck there. It’s meant to be a stepping-stone to get offline and interact with real humans. As you explore, connect with the curious animal inside of you that says, “What’s out there?!” It may take a leap of faith if you think of yourself as shy or a homebody, or you think you’ve seen it all already, but curiosity and exploration are what brought humankind to where we are today and make life way more fun! Do it your way—maybe quietly at first—

  but do it!

  You can start with smaller meet-up groups or dinner events, where it’s more intimate and you’ll have a chance to engage right away, or larger groups like festivals and community events, where you’re anonymous and just checking things out. Either way, the idea is that it’s low-risk and low-stress.

  Here are some things that worked for me when I found myself in a new city where I didn’t know anyone:

  • Reaching out via Facebook to specific friends and acquaintances who I knew shared my values and interests (while avoiding the endless scroll) and asking if they could connect me with like-minded communities.

  • Joining FB groups in that city and going to meetup.com, where I found communities that matched my interests, and showing up to the meetups that had at least twenty people attending the event.

  • Going to the local yoga studio for drop-in classes.

  • In various cities, I have joined a soccer league, softball league, dodgeball league, and kickball league.

  • My twin sister, Miki, and I played soccer in college, so when we moved to New York City, we went to Central Park and jumped in a pickup soccer game. We made our first friends on the dirt fields by Sheep Meadow.

  • We also joined a choir in Brooklyn and were the youngest by about thirty years. After twelve weeks of rehearsals we sang with the Brooklyn Symphony Orchestra!

  It may take you three weeks or three months to figure out what you’re actually interested in, so don’t rush this process. It’s the most important step, as it will lead you to your Inner Core Community. Stay patient and keep going back to your Values, Interests, and Abilities, and stay authentic and true to what lights your fire. Don’t just do what everyone else is doing, but sta
y open to opportunities that feel like a stretch for you. There will be humans who love the same things you do and who will inspire you in ways you can’t imagine! Go in with a positive attitude, but since you’re just exploring, you don’t have anything to lose and don’t have to be gung ho about something before you know if it’s for you. You really need only the amount of energy it takes to get yourself out the door. Showing up is the goal at this stage of the process, and everything stems from there.

  Find five to ten communities and groups that interest you (meetup.com and/or Facebook are good places to start), then join the groups and start showing up! Explore at least one new group that aligns with your Values, Interests, and Abilities this week. Plan to get through one group a week for the next five to ten weeks. Think about anything positive that interests you right now. If you don’t think you have any interests, dig deep—you really do. Just put on your shoes and show up.

  Stage 2: Participatory

  Once you’ve explored five to ten communities, narrow them down into two or three groups and start participating in making them better or volunteering your time. This is where your FYF attitude comes into play.

  Participation with a positive attitude is the ultimate key to belonging. You’ll feel the most emotionally invested and connected to others in the group by getting your hands dirty and offering your time and energy to enhance the community experience. The sweat and effort of doing something for the benefit of the greater whole will fill you with the most satisfaction and joy. This is also how people come to view you as someone they want to be around, know more about, and care for. These are the cornerstones of belonging: being an FYF and participation.