Muscle Memory

by Stylo Fantome

  All of them, so far, were in L.A. His publisher wanted to fly him out there and get him settled in, then arrange a proper press conference. Afterwards, he would do the rounds on talk shows, promoting the book and talking about what had happened.

  They'd all wanted Kitty to come on the show, but he'd said no. And of course, Delaney was necessary, they'd said – a woman bumping into her long lost love and discovering he had amnesia? It was the stuff daytime Emmy's were made of! Her story was almost wanted more than his own. The thought had made him ill, so he was glad when she said a hard no to the offer. She had crippling stage fright, she said, and absolutely no interest in being famous.

  He'd wanted Sloany to go, but she didn't want to leave her job. During a late night heart to to heart, she'd told him if he really wanted her to go, she would ask for a leave of absence and she would go. But he couldn't do that to her. He felt like he'd derailed enough peoples lives. So he just said he'd call her after he got there, and she made him promise that he really would.

  She also made him promise to talk to Delaney again before he left, and made him promise not to fall for Kitty's antics.

  Jon glanced down at his cell phone when it started vibrating in his hand. Kitty. He wasn't ignoring her – he wouldn't do that to her after everything she'd done for him. But he wasn't going to get back together with her. Not a chance in hell. That part of his life was just as over as everything before the accident. They'd spoken on the phone several times, at length. Sometimes it was good. Most of the time it was bad and ended with them shouting at each other.

  Please, let this be a good time.

  “Hello?” he answered.

  “How are you?” she asked in a soft voice. She sounded like she'd been crying.

  “I'm okay. How're you?” he asked, laying back flat on the mattress.

  “Not so good. I'm sorry, Jon.”

  “For what?”

  “Dad told me he pulled the plug on your hotel room.”

  “It's okay,” he assured her. “I'm a grown man, I shouldn't be living off your dad. I've already arranged to have him paid back for all the money he spent on me.”

  “You don't have to do that,” she insisted.

  “I do. I really do, Kitty,” he sighed.

  “And ...” her voice faltered. He was worried for moment she'd start crying again. Then she took a deep breath. “I'm sorry for how things ended between us.”

  “It's oka-”

  “Stop saying that!” she snapped, then took more deep breaths. “Sorry. It's just ... it's not okay. I was horrible. I really, really was, and I'm so ashamed of myself. I just cared about you so much. I felt like ... I don't know ...”

  “I cared about you, too. I still do. I always will,” he promised, and it was the absolute truth.

  “I really did think I was in love with you,” she said, and he was glad to hear it.

  “But you weren't,” he finished. She let out a deep sigh.

  “I don't know. It sure felt like love. I just ... I wanted to be by your side and watch you grow and blossom and turn into this amazing person that I just know you're going to be,” she explained.

  “Kitty, that's great, and you did help me grow and all that jazz. But you should want to be with someone because you want to be with them, not because of what you think you can do for them, or what you think you can turn them into. You're so amazing, yet you just throw yourself into everyone and everything around you. Maybe relax. Let someone take care of you for a while,” he suggested. There was a long silence.

  “And you couldn't be that person?” she whispered.

  “No. I can barely take care of myself.”

  “I'm going to miss you, Jon. So much.”

  “I don't know why, because you're never getting rid of me,” he teased, and his heart swelled when she finally laughed.

  “Can we have dinner? Before you go?” she asked.

  “I don't know if that's such a good idea,” he said, instantly on guard.

  “Just as friends. You can invite Mrs. Sloan,” she offered.

  “Kitty ...” he breathed out her name.

  “You can even invite Delaney,” she suggested, her voice soft and sad. He closed his eyes and tried to ignore the hurt in his chest.

  “Okay,” he said. “I'll come to dinner. Just the two of us.”

  “Really?”

  “Really.”

  “I'd like that, Jon,” she sighed. “I'd really like that.”

  *

  Jon was nervous about the dinner. Would she throw herself at him? Threaten him again? Make a scene? Any or all of the above? He resisted the urge to chew on his fingernails, then caved and nibbled at his thumb. Thankfully, she walked into the restaurant before he could do any real damage.

  “It's good to see you,” she gushed, practically running up to him and enveloping him in a big hug. He hesitated for only a second, then hugged her back. Squeezed her. Crushed her to him. They'd seen each other almost every day for over four months, and then had gone the last two weeks without seeing each other at all.

  I missed her.

  “You, too. You look great,” he complimented her when he pulled back, and he meant it. She was wearing her hair down and the same clothing she'd probably worn to her volunteer job. She hadn't dressed up for him, which made him feel good. Like she wasn't trying to pull anything.

  “Thanks. You, too. Your hair is getting long,” she laughed, running her fingers quickly through his thick locks. He didn't want to grow it out, but he'd been letting the top get a little wild and unruly.

  They both sat down and ordered drinks. Made brainless chit chat about her work, Mrs. Sloan, everything but the elephant in the room.

  “So ...” she cleared her throat. “How's Delaney? Are you two ...”

  “No,” he answered quickly. “I haven't seen her since you and I broke up.”

  “Oh, wow,” she seemed genuinely surprised. “Not once?”

  “No.”

  “But you talk, of course,” she said, and he slowly nodded.

  “Yeah, we text each other about once a day,” he said.

  “That's good. But why ... I'm sorry if this is personal,” she cut herself off. He shook his head.

  “No, it's okay, I don't mind telling you. You already know everything else about me,” he managed to laugh. “I just decided ... everything is complicated right now. I was with you, and what she and I did wasn't right. And apparently, that was kind of normal for the relationship we used to have, doing things that aren't right. We're both in such good places right now. I also don't want to get into something when I don't know I can offer her my best, and she really deserves the best in life.”

  Kitty let out a deep breath and stared at him with so much love, he almost felt guilty.

  “You really are a good person, Jon,” she whispered. Then she cleared her throat again. “And you shouldn't ... shouldn't sell yourself so short. You have a lot to offer, and you clearly care about her. I think you maybe even still love her.”

  “I do care about her,” he agreed, becoming uncomfortable with the conversation. “But how could I possibly love someone I barely know?”

  She thought for a second, toying with her napkin. Then she started smiling.

  “Well, it's just like you said, isn't it?”

  “What?”

  “It's all in the muscle memory.”

  Their food was served and they turned back to more mundane topics. She was thinking of going back to school and moving away from her parents. He told her it was a good idea. He told her about moving to L.A., and though it clearly made her sad to hear he was going so far away, she was genuinely happy for him.

  “And it won't be forever. New York is home,” he told her, leaning back so a waiter could clear the table.

  “Yeah, but you'll be so different when you come back,” she sighed. “So much more ... you.”

  “God, I hope so,” he laughed. “I have to ask, Kitty – where'd this turn about come from? What changed
your mind?”

  She waved her hand at him and he smiled as she started blushing.

  “I just had a long talk with myself, and Geraldine.”

  “Who?”

  “Geraldine – the lady who worked in the kitchen with us, when you first started volunteering?”

  “The grump?” he was shocked. He'd forgotten all about her.

  “Yeah. She caught me crying in the office and asked what was wrong, so I pretty much raked you over the coals. Big mistake. She's half in love with you herself,” she snickered.

  “Me!?”

  “Yeah. She always liked you. And she said I was being stupid, and how I would fall in love with a baby bird that fell in my lap, and how it wasn't right putting so much pressure on someone in your position. Then she told me I was going to hell for what I'd done to Delaney, and that really kind of scared me. I thought about it for a while and ... well ... I realized how selfish I was being, and how I wasn't one step closer to getting you back. I was just pushing you away. I guess I'd rather have you as a friend, than not in my life at all. I didn't want to lose you,” she finished.

  Jon stared at her for a long second, then abruptly stood up. As he came around the table, she asked what was wrong, but he ignored her. Just grabbed her by the arms and yanked her up into a hug.

  “You know what, Kitty?” he whispered as he held her tightly. “I do love you, and I wish nothing but good things for you, and nothing could ever make you lose me.”

  She hugged him back, her face pressed against his neck. He could feel her tears.

  “I love you, too,” she said in a shaky voice. “I'm sorry we couldn't be in love, though.”

  “I'm not. Not at all, because this way, we get to hold onto each other forever.”

  “That's true. You have such a beautiful way of looking at things.”

  “Thank you, Kitty. So much.”

  “You're welcome, Jon.”

  20

  Delaney hadn't been interested in meeting Kitty Beaumont again. Not one little bit. But then she remembered Jon's happiness was her priority in life – not being a massive bitch. So when the other woman called and invited her to lunch, Del gritted her teeth and said yes.

  They met at a fancy place near Central Park. She felt uncomfortable in her jeans and sneakers. Of course, Kitty was in slacks and cashmere, fitting right in. She still wore the little gold locket around her neck. Still looked perfect.

  I hate her. No, I don't. It's not her fault. But still. I hate her.

  “How are you?” Delaney asked politely.

  “Not so good,” Kitty sighed, tucking a strand of perfect blonde hair behind her ear.

  Oh god. This is it. She's going to kill me. Jay told her everything that happened, and now she's come to finally kill me.

  “I'm sorry to hear that,” Del replied, glancing around.

  “I wanted to tell you something,” the blonde seemed to be struggling with her words. Every second was making Delaney feel like she wanted to throw up, so she finally let out a deep breath.

  “We're not together,” she blurted out, startling Kitty. “Not at all. I haven't seen him in like two weeks. I never wanted to come between you, I promise. I just wanted you two to be happy together, and I -”

  “I'm here to apologize, Delaney,” she interrupted her. Del sat back in her seat, stunned.

  “What?”

  “I did something really bad,” Kitty said. “And you didn't deserve it, and Jon really didn't deserve it, and I just feel awful.”

  Delaney was really confused now and her imagination started working overtime.

  “What? Did something happen? Is Jon okay?” she asked, leaning forward in her seat.

  “He's fine, he's fine. I told you some things that weren't true. Last time we met,” Kitty said.

  “Oh. Like what?”

  “You're just ... the way he looks at you. Like he's finding himself in your eyes. I couldn't stand it! You guys hadn't slept together yet, but I knew it was gonna happen. I just wanted to stop it,” she babbled.

  “What did you lie about, Kitty?” Delaney pressed.

  “Almost everything I told you that night,” she said. “I mean, yes, he was stressed, and yes, it hurt him to see you hurting, but he never wanted to stop seeing you. He wants to remember you. I think he does, in some ways. He doesn't know this, but after you found him, he used to say your name in his sleep. He started dreaming about you all the time.”

  “You lied ...” Delaney breathed. Kitty blushed, but kept talking.

  “I was so scared of losing him. You never made him feel like you were trying to make him live in the past. And yeah, my family took him in and he spent a lot of time with them, but ... it wasn't like I said. We were never ... we were never ...” she started to stammer, and her brown eyes shimmered with tears.

  “You were never what?” Delaney asked.

  “We were never in love,” Kitty whispered, looking down at her plate. “I thought he was going to leave me, so said I loved him, but he never said it back. He was never in love with me, ever. And I don't think ... I don't think I was ever really in love with him.”

  Delaney fell back in her chair. Of course she'd known Jon had ended things with Kitty. He'd told her right after it had happened. Delaney had felt so guilty. Here she was, making promises to keep him happy, and then she'd gone and broken up his relationship. He'd told her repeatedly that she didn't really have anything to do with it, that even if she'd never found him, he and Kitty wouldn't have lasted. Still, it was hard on her.

  She'd kept her distance from him ever since then. If he wanted her, he knew where to find her, and he certainly wasn't coming around. He called a couple times, and texted her quite a bit. Sometimes she thought he sounded lonely, and it hurt her soul to think he might be. But she never invited him over. Never offered to go see him. He seemed to be playing the same game, because he never asked her, either. She'd sort of assumed it was because of the way things had ended with Kitty.

  All a lie. I've felt guilty for so long ...

  “So ... you just wanted to get me out of the picture?” Delaney checked. Kitty nodded.

  “Mmm hmmm. I thought maybe without you there, he would start to forget you again.”

  “And did he?”

  “No,” Kitty smiled sadly. “If anything, it just made things worse. He was obsessed with finding out where you'd gone. I ... I told him you'd probably left because seeing us together was too hard on you.”

  “I'm sorry, Kitty,” Delaney blurted out. The blonde head jerked up and confused brown eyes met Delaney's blue ones.

  “What? Why? You didn't do anything. I'm apologizing,” she pointed out.

  “I know, and I accept your apology. But I caused a lot of pain for you, and when you hurt, I know Jon must be hurting, and I hate that. I'm really sorry. Sometimes I wonder ... maybe he would've been better off if I'd never recognized him,” Delaney voiced her fears.

  “Oh no. Don't ever say that. I was angry for a while, but now I really am glad you found each other. So many great things happened because of it. He wrote his book, he's going to L.A., he's got his family, he -”

  “He's going to L.A.?”

  Another awkward silence descended on the table.

  “He didn't tell you?” Kitty asked slowly.

  “No. He messaged me earlier today. I told him how you and I were meeting. He just said he was glad, and how he hoped we could be friends, but nothing about L.A.,” Del replied.

  “Oh, well, maybe he meant to surprise you, or something. I'm sorry if I ruined it,” Kitty babbled. Delaney took a deep breath.

  “I'm sure you didn't, he'll tell me when he's ready.”

  “So ... I'm sorry,” Kitty repeated herself. Delaney managed to smile again.

  “Me, too.”

  “Friends?”

  “Maybe. Someday.”

  “Maybe,” Kitty nodded. “My family is throwing a going away party for Jon. Of course, you have to be there.”

  “
Oh, I don't know,” Delaney started feeling nervous again. “I think it would be kind of strange. Two ex-girlfriends in one room.”

  “It would be strange if you weren't there. You're the most important person in his life.”

  Kitty said it simply and genuinely, as if she were announcing a fact. Like it was one in the afternoon, the sun was shining, and Delaney Carter was the most important thing in Jon Doherty's life.

  “Thank you. I'll think about it,” Del whispered. Kitty nodded and opened up her menu.

  “Besides, technically there'll only be one ex-girlfriend in that room,” she pointed out while she perused the lunch options.

  “Excuse me?”

  “He broke up with me. He never broke up with you.”

  21

  Jon had only been to Delaney's apartment once, and she was glad – New York was full of memories of them. They hadn't spent much time together in the city, but everywhere made her think of Jon. And being in Brooklyn made her want to kill herself. It was filled with Jayson.

  Her bedroom was her safe space. He'd only been in there for a couple minutes, so it wasn't stained with his presence yet. She could go there to escape and just be Delaney for a while. Not Delaney-and-Jayson. Not Delaney-helping-Jon. Just her.

  Do I even know who “her” is anymore?

  So when Jon called and asked to come over, she wanted to say no. Wanted to suggest they meet somewhere, anywhere, else. Before she could, though, he said please. Said he had things to say to her. He was already on his way – was that alright?

  She'd closed her eyes and images of their one night together played in her mind. His smile and his touch and his soul. She wiped her tears away and told him yes, he could come over.

  She was glad he wasn't in a suit again. He'd been dressed up the night he'd followed her, and the last time he'd come he'd been in a suit. It was nice seeing him in jeans and t-shirt. The hair was going to take her a long time to get used to, but he looked good.