All That Is Left of Us

by Catherine Miller

  Archie considered for a moment by staring into Norman’s tank. She hoped her son didn’t think the spider was invited because he really wasn’t. ‘Do they do roast beef?’

  ‘I’m sure Maureen will do. Hopefully.’

  ‘We can go if I can have beef.’

  ‘Fingers crossed,’ Dawn said and actually crossed her fingers. If they didn’t then she would have to scrap any plans to take her son out.

  When she rang, thankfully Maureen had both a vacant table in a quiet corner and roast beef on the menu.

  By the time they arrived, the lunch crowd were mostly gone and it left them with only a couple of other diners finishing off their pudding. It was perfect and she wasn’t sure why she hadn’t brought Archie before for Sunday lunch. Probably memories of the mealtime meltdowns from the past. They’d been so frequent and all-encompassing that at some point it became so much easier to remain at home, then if the gravy was on the wrong section of the plate he didn’t ruin dinner for them and everyone else around them.

  Today, Dawn asked for a jug of gravy on the side and, with knowing the owner well, it didn’t feel much different from dining at home. And when she thought about it, the meltdowns had been dying down for over a year. It was just Dawn continuing to live in fear of their appearance, which was no way to live.

  ‘I like the new pictures,’ Archie said.

  Dawn was thinking so much about how Archie was changing that she’d neglected to pay attention to any of the café’s usual décor. It was very twee. All dollies and plastic tablecloths. In some ways it needed an overhaul to keep up with the chains that were taking over most high streets, but in another way it was absolutely perfect. It matched its beautiful surroundings. A roast in one of the chain pubs wouldn’t have suited Archie, but here he was comfortable. They’d have to come again another Sunday. Looking at the pictures Archie was referring to, she realised that Maureen must have agreed to display for another local artist. At least she assumed they were local with most of the drawings depicting local wildlife, the New Forest ponies featuring heavily. They were mesmerising, their colours capturing the animals and setting in a way that sprung off the canvas. ‘They’re beautiful, aren’t they?’ Dawn said.

  ‘Can I look at the rest of them?’ Archie asked.

  They were the only customers left now. ‘Do you want any pudding? Looks like they have apple crumble on the menu.’

  ‘Yes, please. So can I look?’

  ‘Of course – just make sure you don’t knock into anything. I’ll go order us some dessert and you can come back to the table once it’s ready.’

  ‘Cool.’

  Dawn watched her son for a minute as he stared at a picture with a level of intensity most would struggle to find. She marvelled for a moment at the person he was becoming. She was so used to life with him being complex it was hard to relax and appreciate this stage, whatever this stage was.

  When Archie moved on to stare at the next picture, Dawn took it as a cue to get up. It wouldn’t help matters if he managed to look at each frame before she’d put their order in.

  On the way back from ordering two apple crumbles with custard, Dawn took a closer look at a drawing of a fox. It was an oil painting, a medium she’d never mastered. All of her drawings were pencil sketches. Even though she could draw, she knew little about the different painting techniques, having given up on art when she’d been forced to leave college. It was a natural talent she wanted to use to her advantage, but she was pretty sure she’d never be able to paint with this level of skill. It made her doubt her tattooing apprenticeship before it even started. It was one thing sketching onto paper, but she wasn’t sure about a moving subject.

  ‘Realistic, aren’t they?’ Maureen came over to chat, the café now being empty of other customers.

  ‘It almost looks like a photo.’ If Dawn wasn’t so close, she wouldn’t have been able to tell.

  ‘I hope you don’t mind that I let this chap have some pictures here. I figured as you said you wouldn’t be doing any for a while it would be okay.’

  ‘Of course. I’m sure you’ll sell lots more this way.’ Maureen took a small percentage of any sales so it made good business sense to have pictures that would have more appeal to the tourist trade they served. It was just a shame hers didn’t have similar appeal.

  ‘Don’t lose heart, dear. Your drawings are very unique, but I still can’t see you as a tattoo artist.’

  ‘Neither can I yet,’ Dawn grinned. Perhaps she wasn’t covered in tattoos herself, but she wanted to use her eye for detail in a way that would be appreciated. The apprenticeship would be unpaid, but it would mean she might be able to make something of her talent for sketching out designs. So with the maternity leave she was entitled to as a surrogate, she intended to do a bit of intense training to see if she was any good. Then, when she was back at work, she would continue part-time. It was her hope that eventually she would earn more money as a result. She loved working as a teaching assistant, but it wasn’t giving her the fulfilment she craved. And unfortunately the pictures gathering dust here weren’t either.

  ‘I’ve got a card for the artist if you’d like one. Maybe he can convince you you’ve got talent. He certainly thought so when he was here.’

  ‘Really?’

  Maureen fetched her a card. ‘He did. You should call him.’ There was a mischievous twinkle in Maureen’s eye as she said it. ‘He was cute,’ she added.

  Dawn took the card and slipped it in her pocket, ignoring the fact that Maureen wanted to do some matchmaking. The card might be useful for an unusual Christmas present for Archie, seeing as he was so drawn to the pictures. Peering back at the fox who seemed to have his eye on her, she glanced at the price tag. Seventy-five pounds, the small white cardboard plaque said. That was pretty reasonable for a piece of art, but it was definitely a price for a special occasion. She just hoped Archie didn’t get any ideas about taking one home today.

  ‘I like the frog best,’ Archie said, when he rejoined Dawn at their table. The crumble had been delivered and he’d come back without an argument.

  ‘You’ll have to show it to me on the way out.’

  Once they’d licked their bowls clean, one of them more literally than the other, they said goodbye to Maureen. Archie showed Dawn the stunning emerald-green frog that had caught his attention.

  ‘It’s marvellous,’ Dawn said, secretly hoping he wouldn’t want an amphibian for his next pet. An arachnoid was quite enough.

  On the way back to the car, Dawn realised it had gone without a hitch. The simple task of a meal out had become too big a prospect to consider and now they’d managed without anyone else on hand. It felt like a huge achievement for both of them.

  ‘Do you think I could save up my pocket money?’

  ‘What for?’ Dawn could see where this was heading.

  ‘The frog was forty-five pounds. If I use my piggy bank money and save up I could buy it.’

  Dawn smiled. She really had raised a good kid. He wasn’t tearing the walls down demanding that he had it now. He’d clearly worked out how much he would need, and knowing Archie, as soon as he’d counted out his pennies he would be able to calculate the date when he would have enough. ‘It might be a good idea if we came again soon. Perhaps Maureen would let you reserve it.’

  The idea of bringing Archie here again for a meal was no longer scary, it was inviting. If he was on board for coming again, she would embrace it.

  ‘Yes, please, Mum. The food was delicious. Do you think we could go soon and see if Maureen will reserve it?’

  ‘Yes, sweetheart. We’ll see if Uncle David is coming round next week. We can come here if he isn’t. If not, we’ll come in a couple of weeks when school has broken up for summer.’

  ‘But what if someone buys it?’

  ‘Tell you what. I’ll ring Maureen tomorrow and see if she can reserve it until we’re next in. I’m sure she’ll be happy to for you.’ If not, she had the number of the artist in her pocket a
nd there was always the possibility of ringing him directly.

  ‘I hope we get to go back soon.’

  So do I, Dawn thought. Because for the first time in her adult life her wings were unfurling.

  Chapter 8

  That evening, Dawn went in for a little wine o’clock celebration. On the whole life felt better and today’s achievement with Archie was one to rejoice about. It was strange to think this event had been so long in the making. That something so simple could create such a buzz of achievement. Her only regret was not trying it sooner, although, if she had, no doubt she would have enlisted David and Rebekah to come and so it wouldn’t have been her managing by herself. It was only with his absence she was realising how much she’d relied on her brother to help survive parenthood. Ever since Archie was a baby, he’d been the one she would turn to. If she needed help getting the shopping, if Archie had a hospital appointment, if they needed a lift. He’d been a surrogate father to Archie and a stand-in parent for her. It was no wonder she’d been prepared to help him become a father himself.

  Dawn’s phone bleeped. As if he knew she was thinking about him, her brother’s name flashed up on the screen. CAN I COME UP? the message said. She got up and buzzed him in, letting him know the door was open. Her buzzer system only liked to work fifty per cent of the time. Had he said he was coming and she’d missed it?

  Snapped out of her reverie about her lovely lunch with Archie, Dawn started to worry as she waited for her brother to reach the third-floor flat. It wasn’t like him to pop by late at night. Maybe he was snatching a moment out of the house while Junior was sleeping.

  ‘Hey, sis,’ David said, once inside the flat. ‘Any chance you can stick the kettle on?’ The bags under his eyes had bags. She’d never seen him looking so tired. It probably wasn’t a good moment to point that out, though.

  ‘Of course. How’s it all going? It’s been weird not hearing from you.’ Dawn made her way to the tiny galley kitchen attached to the lounge and David followed.

  ‘I’ve never seen this many hours in my life. I literally fell asleep standing up yesterday.’

  ‘So are you getting any sleep?’ He didn’t look like he had. She should be offering him the chance to snooze on the sofa rather than filling him up with caffeine.

  ‘Barely. We’re taking it in turns to do feeds, but even with doing that it’s hard to sleep. Junior’s cries are so piercing it’s impossible to sleep through.’

  ‘Haven’t you decided on a name yet?’ Dawn was pretty sure she would cry if she didn’t have a name by the time she’d been in the world for two and a half weeks. In fact, it annoyed her a little to think she’d carried the baby for them and yet they’d not even prepared enough to decide on a name.

  ‘We can’t agree. The names I like, Rebekah hates and vice versa.’

  If they couldn’t agree on that, they were going to be in for some tough times, but then what did Dawn know? She hadn’t been in a relationship when she’d had Archie and she’d not been in one since. At least not one that went beyond a few weeks of dates, and not once had her dates ended up meeting her son. ‘You need to sit down together and decide. Just trawl through baby-name books if you have to, but I think Junior will be more settled once his parents have named him.’ The bonding experience at this stage was essential – they’d explained all of that when they’d signed up to the surrogacy process – so not having a name certainly wouldn’t be helping.

  ‘If only it was that easy. The midwife says its colic, but everything she’s suggested hasn’t had any effect yet.’

  ‘Poor Junior. Archie suffered terribly with that, remember? I’m sure what they suggested back then is different to now. The only thing I can remember working was those Dr Brown bottles. Have you tried those? They settled Archie down if I remember rightly.’

  ‘We’ve ordered some, but they’ve not arrived yet. They should be delivered tomorrow with any luck.’

  ‘Tea or coffee?’

  ‘Black coffee. Actually, tomorrow is what I wanted to talk to you about.’

  Dawn spooned coffee into a mug and eyed David up to gauge what he was going to say. ‘What about tomorrow?’

  ‘It’s my first day back at work. My paternity leave is over and I really don’t think Rebekah is ready for me to go back. She’s barely slept either and the baby is only napping in the day if he’s lying on her chest so she’s too worried to sleep at the same time. I was wondering if you’d mind popping in to see her?’ David took the coffee and they both sat down on the sofa.

  As Dawn was officially on maternity leave she didn’t need to head into work like she normally would have. They’d aimed for the birth to be near the summer so Dawn would only need a few weeks off, then it would be the holidays and she could start her apprenticeship in September and return to work once her leave was over. With it working on the first attempt, the timing had worked out. It just felt very odd to be on maternity with no actual baby, but she was opting to take advantage of the situation. ‘Have you told Rebekah you were going to ask me to?’ She had a sneaking suspicion he hadn’t. She took a sip of wine.

  ‘I’ve told her we should get some help, but she’s too tired to see sense at the moment. You know we agreed to this two-week period of no contact so Rebekah had a chance to bond with the baby. At the moment she’s so sleep-deprived she probably still sees you as a threat to that bonding period, rather than realising a mother who can’t see for tiredness is no use to anyone. I’m hoping if you pop by she’ll see some sense.’

  Dawn really wanted to point out that he’d just said she was too tired to see, so how could she make her see sense? But she realised he wouldn’t see the funny side of it. ‘Do you think I’m the right person? Couldn’t you ask one of her friends?’ She was just getting to a point where she felt normal again, not robbed of something that was never hers in the first place. However much she wanted to be there to help, it would be hard for her as well as Rebekah.

  ‘I thought about contacting some of her other friends but then I realised you would still be the best person. This is Rebekah at her most vulnerable and she won’t want her friends seeing that. She wouldn’t admit that she was struggling to them. She’d put on a front, they’d make her tea, and then they’d leave and she’d be no better off. I think with you she’ll be honest.’ David gulped some of his coffee, which must have still been molten hot, but he’d always been able to drink it like that.

  Dawn took another sip of her wine to give herself a chance to think. She wasn’t going to say no, but she also needed to find a way to protect herself. ‘Okay, I’ll go over. I’ll drop Archie off at school in the morning. Come back here, do some batch cooking to take over, then head over at lunchtime. I’ll sort food out for her, do all the washing-up and sterilise the bottles and whatever she needs me to do. I’ll talk to her, I’ll listen to her, but on one condition.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘I’m not going to hold the baby. That’s Rebekah’s job.’

  ‘I think Rebekah will be happy with that rule.’

  ‘And you must let her know I’m coming. I don’t want it to be an awful surprise where I have to try and talk my way across the threshold.’

  ‘Fine by me and thank you. I never knew it would be this tough.’

  ‘I did try and warn you. But this stage doesn’t last long. I promise.’

  ‘You, sis, are one in a million.’ David gulped the rest of his coffee and got up to place the mug into the kitchen sink. ‘And if you don’t mind, I’d better get a move on. I was only supposed to be popping out for nappies and formula. Rebekah might kill me if she knows I squeezed in a hot drink while I was out.’

  ‘Tell her I’ll be round about twelve,’ Dawn said as she saw her brother to the door.

  ‘Thanks again.’

  When Dawn was reunited with the rest of her wine she tried not to think too much about what she’d agreed to. She was deliberately going to stick to helping with the logistics of them being new parents. The boring stuff li
ke the washing-up. She was not going to hold the baby because there was a chance she’d never want to let go.

  Chapter 9

  Dawn made up a couple of easy pasta dishes to take over: lasagne and a tuna melt dish that could easily be eaten cold if Rebekah wasn’t able to let it go ping in the microwave. It would mean they were getting some goodness into them for the next few days rather than living off cereal, which was pretty much how she’d survived those early days with Archie.

  When Dawn made it to the doorstep, she was more conscious of how she felt. She was trying to ignore the mummy tummy where skin had folded down in the absence of the previous tenant. She was still having to make use of pads in both her knickers and bra. In all honesty, she was a bit of a mess, but that was why she was off work. To recover.

  Rebekah opened the door and Dawn realised she wasn’t the only one looking the worse for wear. She might not be feeling wonderful, but Dawn had at least got dressed today. Not that she was having critical thoughts of her sister-in-law; it was just she’d never seen Rebekah looking anything other than perfect. Her normally shiny long hair was a greasy mess bunged on her head in a topknot. It was the first time she’d seen Rebekah without a trace of make-up. And cushioned on her shoulder was the reason for her complete transformation.

  ‘Are you coming in or are you standing there?’ Rebekah said, sounding none too pleased to see her.

  ‘I’ve got food,’ Dawn said, hoping it would pave the way to re-establishing their normal level of friendship. She went in and tried not to gawp at the fact that their usually immaculate house was now a mecca to baby paraphernalia. It was how it should be, so it shouldn’t have been surprising.

  ‘I’m sorry it’s such a mess.’ The baby was asleep on Rebekah’s shoulder. He was obviously comfy, but there was little chance of getting anything useful done.