All That Is Left of Us

by Catherine Miller

  The person swung round in response to Dawn’s presence and the only thing she had to defend herself with was her mobile phone in her hand. She raised it to throw in their direction before realising it was Rebekah. ‘Fuck. I thought you were a burglar.’

  The screeching noise that had woken Dawn started up again: the baby in its car seat on the sofa.

  ‘I can’t do it. I can’t cope without some sleep. Can you take him? Just for a couple of hours.’ Rebekah’s eyes were so red and wide, she looked wired.

  ‘When did you last sleep?’ Dawn was more worried about the way Rebekah appeared than what she was asking.

  ‘I’m not even sure. David is napping at the moment. I walked round. Neither of us thought I’d be safe to drive.’

  ‘And you used the spare key to let yourself in?’

  ‘Yes, sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you, but I didn’t want the baby to get cold by waiting outside.’

  Dawn hoped this wasn’t going to be a regular thing. She doubted her heart would cope with such frights this early in the morning.

  ‘So you’ll look after him for a bit?’

  ‘Erm, well…’ Dawn was wildly unprepared for caring for an infant. It would go against everything she’d discussed with Jane last night about waiting until he had a name. Not only that, but she had Archie to think of. ‘It’s Saturday. It’s zoo day.’

  With the baby still wailing, Archie joined them in the front room. He went over and started entertaining him with a baby rattle, creating a few moments of peace.

  ‘His name is Harry,’ Rebekah said. ‘Harry David Manton.’

  ‘That’s lovely,’ Dawn said, relieved that not only was it a nice name, it also marked the end of referring to him only as Baby or Junior.

  ‘Can you look after him? Just for a bit. We wouldn’t ask if there was anyone else.’

  ‘He can come to the zoo with us,’ Archie said, clearly quite besotted with Harry. It wasn’t quite the first meeting Dawn had envisaged, but she was glad to see he was happy.

  ‘All his stuff is here.’ Rebekah indicated the two changing bags that were on the sofa next to the car seat. ‘He’s not due another feed until ten-thirty, but he’s not settling to sleep.’

  ‘Where’s the pram?’ Dawn was feeling rather put on in lots of ways. First, since when was it okay to use the spare key to get in without knocking first? And second, weren’t they making lots of assumptions about whether she was happy to help them out without checking? Instead, because Harry was all packed up, it looked like she didn’t have much choice.

  ‘There’s a baby sling in the bag. You can use that if you’re going out.’ Rebekah started heading for the door, not giving Dawn much chance of responding.

  ‘But we need the pram if we’re going to take Harry to the zoo.’

  ‘I can’t even function. I’ve got to go and get some sleep.’

  ‘What if…?’

  All the questions that were forming didn’t get heard with Rebekah heading out the door.

  Cue Harry sensing it was the perfect moment to screech even more loudly, now there was no one left in the room who knew quite how to respond.

  By the time Dawn had familiarised herself with the car seat instructions that were fortunately in a pouch on the side, there was practically steam pouring out of her ears. It was only the piercing screams preventing anyone from noticing. If it hadn’t been for Archie managing to distract his cousin from his major woes, the only trip they would have been taking would have been to David and Rebekah’s house.

  The further Dawn got into sorting the baby, the more she realised Rebekah knew it was Saturday. The fact the baby was in the car seat meant she knew they would be going out. And the bags were packed with such an excess of baby stuff, they were set for the day if necessary. On any other day of the week, she might have been able to say no to going out, but it was Saturday and Archie would never forgive her if he didn’t get to see his meerkats.

  So, with Archie singing songs and generally helping to settle Harry, they headed off to the zoo. It would have been easy to return Harry to his parents, but she’d never seen Rebekah looking so desperate or exhausted. It was just for a few hours to allow them some rest, and even though she needed some kind of provisional parenting licence plate so that all around her knew she didn’t really know what she was up to, she was sure between her and Archie they could manage to take Harry on the trip round the zoo.

  She began to doubt that when she was tackling the sling. It was still in the packaging so she was the first to use it and she was suddenly very glad the instructions were there as she really didn’t want to get this wrong. She also didn’t want to hold the baby this close. A pram would have been far simpler. Why Rebekah hadn’t attached the car seat to the pram and wheeled him to their house seemed odd. Especially with bags to carry as well. Without much chance to consider the whats and whys, Dawn clipped the sling on and gently placed the once again screaming infant into the harness.

  Having checked in both changing bags, she knew she only needed one of them, and even that could do with half the stuff being taken out. To be fair, she recalled she had been the same when Archie was a newborn, only growing more confident when he was older.

  With the baby strapped to her, they set off in the usual direction, Archie eager not to be late two weeks in a row. She’d been dreading this – being in physical contact with this child that was hers and not hers – and here the moment was being forced upon her. If she was going to look after him, physical contact was required. Fortunately it wasn’t anywhere near as challenging as she’d thought it would be, or at least not for the reasons she’d thought.

  Rather than being worried about how she felt, she was concentrating on Harry’s cries, which she was pretty sure every creature in the zoo could hear. As he squawked, his features turned red and his anger seemed to increase with every breath.

  Archie had already gone to the meerkat enclosure and, as soon as Dawn reached her bench, she set about sorting a feed for Harry. He might not be due one yet, but it was what she used to do when Archie was like this. When he’d not settled after a feed, generally she understood it meant he was still hungry. Or in this case hangry. Hopefully another round of milk would be like a reset button and there would be harmony again. At least she hoped that would be the case before a large stampede of animals headed their way.

  Checking Archie was safe, she set to sorting out Harry. In the change bag were several sterilised bottles along with cartons of the readymade formula milk. What she would have done to have these back when she had Archie. They made life a lot easier and within a few minutes and with minimum fuss she was able to fill the bottle.

  Lifting Harry out of the sling, Dawn placed the teat to his mouth. He instantly suckled and the reduction in sound made all of the animals (and humans) staring at her turn to something more interesting. With a sigh, she was also able to relax a little. She’d forgotten how listening to a baby’s cry made any mother tense to the core.

  It was only then, in that moment of quiet, that she noticed his details. The fine hair on his face. The brilliant colour of his eyes that hadn’t quite settled on blue or brown so shone a deep navy shade. The beautiful smell of his newborn head, like a freshly opened vanilla pod, so distinct was the aroma. These small things were the reason she’d not wanted to hold him. Being close enough to notice them was doing funny things to her insides. It wasn’t so much the worry of Harry wanting to bond with her over Rebekah; it was the fear that this whole process had made her want this as well. She’d long dismissed the thought of having another. She was happy having just Archie, but by having Harry she’d reawakened thoughts that were long since dormant. And for some reason there was a sixth sense telling her this was it. There would be no other point in time where she would be a mother.

  Of course she was still young; she’d not even hit thirty. There was plenty of time for her to meet the right guy and enough childbearing years to grant her another child. But there was some inexplicab
le sense within her telling her this would be the closest she ever got to a second child. And that thought opened up a whole world of mourning she wasn’t able to process. It was a feeling she wanted to shake off while all the time it was choking her.

  When Harry reached the halfway point, she propped him up to burp him. Already he was calmer and his eyes were drooping, a milk coma already taking hold. Hopefully it meant he’d be more settled for the rest of their visit. Perhaps they would manage their walk this week if he slept, allowing David and Rebekah a bit more time to catch up on their sleep. It was for their benefit she was willing to play mum a bit longer. Not because she was enjoying holding him for the first time.

  ‘Hi.’

  The voice shook Dawn out of the little world she had been in for a while, where only Harry and she had existed. Seeing Joel, she panicked about Archie before spotting him in his usual position, checking all the meerkats and taking his notes.

  ‘Thought you might need a care package.’ In Joel’s hands were a thermos and a chocolate bar.

  Dawn had been miles away. ‘Thanks, but I can’t steal from your lunchbox again.’

  ‘It’s not stealing if it’s being offered.’ Joel perched next to her on the bench. ‘I can pour you a tea seeing as your hands are full.’

  Harry managed an almighty burp as Dawn soothed his back.

  ‘Well, hello to you as well,’ Joel said, as he poured tea into the cup that served as a lid.

  ‘Rebekah, my sister-in-law, asked me to look after him for a few hours.’ Dawn felt the need to explain seeing as only a couple of weeks ago he’d been comforting her in a moment of crisis. It was a bit complex, all told, and hard to convey.

  Joel passed her the cup of tea and she managed to gulp some down in that awkward twisted position every parent adopts when they can’t let go of the baby, but need to make sure they don’t spill any. ‘Thanks, this is perfect.’ It really was at the perfect drinking temperature.

  ‘I’d offer to hold him, but I’ve been cleaning some of the equipment. I’ve washed my hands, but even so, I don’t think his parents would want me holding him.’

  ‘How’s Archie? I hope he’s been behaving over there.’ It was hard to comprehend that the boy standing over there so autonomously had once been as small and dependent as Harry was now. She plugged the bottle back in Harry’s mouth while he was still awake enough to manage some more.

  ‘I wanted to talk to you about Archie.’

  ‘Oh.’ Dawn concentrated more on what Joel was saying, worried Archie was in some kind of bother.

  ‘I was hoping he might be able to help me with a project, but only if you think he’d enjoy it. I’m sure he gets enough homework at school so I don’t want to add to that if you think it would stress him out.’

  ‘What is it?’ Dawn was impressed that Joel had picked up on so many of Archie’s sensitivities. It didn’t take much to upset her son.

  ‘The zoo wants to start running some zookeeper days. You know, the type where kids or adults can get a more hands-on experience. They want the meerkats to be part of the experience day and I wanted to get Archie’s opinion on what people would enjoy and what they need to know. Sort of make a project of it for over the summer.’

  The suggestion made Dawn want to leap with joy. ‘That would be great if his favourite subject will occupy him over the summer. What would it involve?’ Harry continued to suckle on the bottle, slowing as his tummy got fuller and his eyelids grew heavier.

  ‘I want to update the information boards and make some of it more interactive for kids. They’re ploughing some extra money into us so I can make the set-up a bit fancier than it currently is. Archie can be involved as much or as little as he likes. I wanted to run it past you before talking to him about it as I figure it’ll involve some extra visits and you come here often enough as it is. You might not want to be here more than you already are.’ Joel shifted slightly on the bench. He was perched rather than sitting, as if he was one of those people who never sat still for very long.

  ‘It sounds amazing. Archie will be really honoured if you asked him and I’m happy to visit as many times as needed. I normally get dragged here a lot over summer so a few more outings will be welcome.’ It would be nice for Archie to be involved with a project at the zoo, particularly as his goal in life was to become a zookeeper. Helping set up an experience day on what would be his dream kind of day out would be blissful for Archie. Possibly not so much for Dawn, but then she would get to concentrate on completing more of her portfolio, and frankly there seemed no better way to spend a summer. It would be a good distraction.

  Harry was now making no effort to drink from his bottle and was in a full-blown milk coma. Dawn propped him upright and burped him with smooth stokes across his back.

  ‘Shall I ask him now? Or wait until he’s broken up for the summer holidays? This is the last week of school, isn’t it?’ Joel was keeping an eye on Archie.

  A warm glow went through Dawn, knowing someone got her son and was looking out for him. ‘Please tell him today. He loves school and normally hates breaking up for summer because he misses it. If you tell him today, I might avoid a week of moaning and he might look forward to the summer holidays instead.’ Memories of the last year and how much Archie hadn’t wanted the summer off made this a very welcome move. It would be nice if Archie looked forward to spending time together, even if it involved her watching from afar. If he could engage in some of his interests, it would be one of their best summers yet.

  ‘Great, I’ll let him know then.’ Joel went off to talk to Archie.

  Dawn was left with the task of getting Harry back into the sling without waking him. It was not an easy manoeuvre and felt like it took about twenty minutes with the slow speed she moved at to ensure she didn’t disturb him. Fortunately, keeping his parents up all night meant he was saving his deep sleeps for the daytime. As she got him into the harness she once again questioned why the hell Rebekah hadn’t brought him over in his buggy. Perhaps tiredness had got the better of her and she’d been unable to see straight. She certainly hadn’t seemed in any position to do so. Hopefully, by doing them this favour, they’d be more on the ball from now on because she didn’t want to be doing this too often. Not if she could help it.

  Once they left for their walk, Archie was a jumping bean of excitement.

  ‘They might let us set up a webcam.’ Archie bounced from one side of the path to the other, like he needed to add extra mileage with the epic excitement of what Joel had asked.

  ‘That sounds good.’ Dawn’s tone was neutral, not wanting Archie to be disappointed if such high-tech things didn’t ended up happening.

  ‘It’s not good, it’s great. I’ll be able to keep an eye on them from home if they make it a live stream.’

  ‘Oh, will you?’ Images of the TV constantly being on meerkat cam filled Dawn with concern. Perhaps it would be time to finally allow him one in his room if it would involve more than an hour’s viewing at any time. She could see him now with his notebook, adding to his notes from the weekend.

  ‘Isn’t it the most awesome thing ever?’ Archie’s boundless energy was going to trip Dawn up in a minute. Normally she could handle him whatever mood took him, but with a newborn strapped to her chest it was going to be more difficult.

  ‘It is, but you need to help Joel first and it might not happen.’

  Harry started to stir and it was way too soon for him to rouse yet. He needed some solid sleep. Dawn recalled having to push Archie round in his buggy for endless hours so he’d get a decent nap. Seemed like Harry was going to be of a similar nature.

  ‘I’m going to start as soon as we get home.’

  ‘Good plan. Now I think we might need to be a bit quieter so we don’t wake Harry.’

  ‘Will he cry again?’

  ‘Probably. It is his only way to communicate at the moment.’

  ‘See you at the next enclosure?’ It was nice that he was checking it was okay, rather than dashing o
ff like he used to.

  ‘We’ll catch up shortly.’ This was how their walk round the zoo always went. Dawn would walk at a reasonable pace and Archie would do the whole lot in short bursts. He would run to the next animal enclosure and wait there until she caught up with him. Fortunately the paths here went round in a loop so it meant, by doing it this way, he was always in sight and not getting bored with having to wait for her.

  Archie went on to the lemurs. It was strange how none of the other animals had quite the same appeal as his beloved meerkats. He enjoyed seeing them, but they didn’t hold his attention in the same way.

  ‘Dawn, Dawn.’

  A voice calling her name took her attention away from her son and his quirks. It was Joel. She didn’t realise he knew her name. Far too often she was known simply as Archie’s mum.

  ‘You left this behind.’ Joel hadn’t broken a sweat despite running after her. He held out one of the clear plastic bottle lids.

  ‘Thank you. Sorry, I hadn’t even noticed.’ Dawn took the lid and slid it into one of the nappy bag’s side pockets.

  ‘And you never ate this.’ Joel took the chocolate bar out of his shirt pocket. ‘Here, save it for later when you have your hands free.’ He popped the chocolate into the same spot she’d placed the lid into.

  ‘Thank you.’ He really was turning out to be a diamond.

  ‘I hope asking Archie about the project hasn’t got him too excited.’

  ‘It doesn’t take much to excite Archie. Honestly, his being happy about the summer holidays is really a blessing.’ Especially with their usual family dynamic being up in the air since Harry’s arrival. It would provide welcome distraction.

  ‘And how are you feeling? You’ve got a bit more colour this week.’

  Dawn glanced in Archie’s direction to check he was waiting at the lemur enclosure like he usually did. He was where he should be, waiting to spot the animals. ‘Physically I’m doing okay. I’m feeling a lot stronger than when I was last here.’ She peered into Joel’s blue, clear-as-the-ocean eyes, unsure how much she wanted to confide in a virtual stranger. ‘I’m just finding this a bit hard. He’s my nephew and yet parts of me keep telling me he’s my son. I’m sure it’ll pass, I just wasn’t prepared for looking after him yet.’ Having Harry thrust upon her wasn’t helping matters in that regard.