All That Is Left of Us

by Catherine Miller

  Chapter 18

  Have you seen Rebekah?

  Dawn stared at the message on her phone, double-checking she’d read it right. The message was worrying in itself, but the fact it had been delivered at five in the morning made it even more so. She scrambled out of bed and went to make coffee while ringing her brother at the same time. She needed a few more details before she panicked, but a sharp fear was rising and attempting to grip her throat. Rebekah had run away with Harry.

  As the phone rang, Dawn started to cry. Unexpected tears crashed onto the kitchen counter and splashed a pattern with their speed and volume.

  ‘Dawn.’

  ‘What’s going on?’ Dawn wiped her face with her spare hand and hoped her upset wouldn’t be conveyed down the phone. It was a tiny hysterical moment at the thought of losing Harry a second time round.

  ‘I just wanted to know if you’d seen Rebekah. Have you?’

  ‘It’s five in the morning. Of course I haven’t seen her at this time. What’s going on?’

  There was a deep sigh from the other end of the phone.

  It was enough for the sharp shard of fear to slice through all her thoughts. ‘I’m coming over.’

  ‘No, don’t wake Archie at this time of morning.’

  ‘But she’s taken Harry. We need to contact the police.’

  ‘No, no, she hasn’t taken Harry. He’s here. He’s sleeping as well.’

  ‘So where is she?’

  There was another sigh. ‘We were low on nappies so she went out to get some last night, but she didn’t come back.’

  ‘What do you mean, didn’t come back? What time last night?’ Dawn’s concerns for Harry switched to Rebekah. What if she’d hurt herself? What if she’d been involved in an accident? ‘Have you called the police?’

  Dawn didn’t understand what was going on. Her brother was a sensible person, but she already knew before he’d even answered that he’d not called anyone. He was barely prepared to tell her.

  ‘No, I don’t think she’s in trouble.’

  ‘How can you know? If she’s disappeared, who knows what she’s thinking?’

  ‘Because even though she didn’t come back in the house, she did leave the nappies with a note outside the front door.’

  ‘Oh. What did it say?’

  ‘That she needed some space, but she’d be back today.’

  ‘But Harry’s safe?’ Dawn summoned the energy to flick on the kettle. She needed the biggest dose of caffeine in the world to process everything David was saying.

  ‘Yes, I checked on him to make sure he was still here.’

  ‘So, where do you think she’s gone?’

  ‘I’m not sure. I didn’t mean for my text to wake you, but I figured she might have crashed at yours. She’s not replied to any of my messages.’

  ‘Well, she’s not here. Any other ideas where she might have gone?’

  ‘There’s a couple of friends she might have stayed with. Or maybe she’s checked into a hotel for the night?’

  Dawn sensed from the despair in his voice that he didn’t have a clue where his wife might be or how she was feeling. ‘Why has she gone off like this?’ Maybe he’d have more of an idea about what had made her need some space.

  David hesitated with his answer. ‘I’m not sure she wants me to talk to you about it. I’m sorry.’

  How was she supposed to respond to that? ‘Well, you don’t have to tell her you’ve told me. I do know how to keep a secret.’ After all, she’d been keeping one close to her heart ever since Archie came into existence.

  David didn’t respond. It was a moot point between them that, to this day, she’d never even told David who Archie’s father was.

  ‘Look, this is what we’ll do. If she comes home in the next few hours having had a decent kip in a hotel somewhere, then you text me and let me know she’s home and safe. If I don’t hear from you, then Archie and I are coming over. He can watch Meerkat Manor on the telly and you can tell me what the hell is going on.’

  The plan sounded far too rational considering she was seething, but it felt like one of those moments when she needed to be in charge and make decisions for her brother.

  As Dawn waited for the hours to pass and a respectable hour of the morning to arrive, she considered how her brother was far too calm for someone whose wife had done a disappearing act. It was almost as if he’d expected it. That it was no surprise to him that his wife had opted to run away. But he was also worried, otherwise he wouldn’t have messaged Dawn to see if she knew what was going on.

  Dawn decided that, even if Rebekah did turn up again in the next couple of hours, she was still going to go over. Something was up and she wanted to know what.

  When they arrived at Rebekah and David’s house even the front garden looked defeated. The grass was several weeks past the point of needing to be mown and, in the battle of plants versus weeds, the latter were definitely winning. It didn’t seem so long ago that she’d been here, so why was it only now she was noticing these things?

  Even before Dawn arrived at the front door with Archie in tow, she knew Rebekah hadn’t returned. If the absence of her car wasn’t a clear enough sign, Harry’s wailing from inside proved the mother he craved wasn’t around to comfort him.

  David opened the door before they knocked, Harry up on his shoulder, howling like only a hungry baby could.

  ‘We’re going to watch Meerkat Manor,’ Archie informed his Uncle David. ‘Harry can watch it with me. He needs a bottle.’

  Dawn almost laughed at the clear-cut advice from her ten-year-old son. But the haunted appearance of her brother made her stop. He was still in his pyjamas, with several days’ stubble growth, thick enough to call it a beard.

  In the front room, the once immaculate house appeared as if a small tornado had ripped through and destroyed much of what was there. With some takeaway containers still out on the coffee table it was looking more like a student’s pad than a family home. Without consulting her brother, she flicked on the telly, ready to entertain Archie, and swooped up some of the mess on the way to the kitchen.

  ‘Have you had any sleep?’ Dawn asked as she stuffed the containers into a too-full bin.

  ‘Not much.’ David had followed her with the howling Harry.

  Dawn crushed the litter down and hauled at the black sack and tied it, ready to take outside.

  ‘Do you need a bottle made up?’ As she said it she spotted one ready on the side.

  ‘He’s not taking it. I don’t know what’s got into him.’

  Instinct overtook Dawn. Washing her hands first, she took Harry into her arms and tried to soothe his cries. Taking the bottle with her, she wandered back into the front room to make sure Archie was managing to operate the DVD without any problems and attempted to find somewhere to sit down.

  Once she’d found a corner to perch on she tested the milk on the pulse point of her wrist. The temperature was fine and she attempted to settle the teat into Harry’s mouth, but his screaming was so angry he wasn’t accepting it.

  ‘Nappy,’ Archie said, as if he was more highly experienced with babies than anyone else in the room. Certainly he was thinking more clearly than anyone else. ‘Here you go.’ Her son placed the changing mat on the floor and passed over a basket containing everything needed for nappy duties.

  ‘Thank you, Arch.’ Dawn offered her son a smile. ‘You can watch your programme.’

  ‘We need to make Harry happy first, then I’ll watch it.’

  ‘What do you want me to do?’ David asked like the concerned father he was.

  Taking in her brother’s appearance, there was only one thing to suggest. ‘Take a shower and change your clothes.’ There was a chance Harry was crying because he thought his dad had gone away and some homeless guy with no access to running water had taken over.

  ‘But…’

  ‘I’m guessing you’ve tried everything already. If he hasn’t settled by the time you’ve had your shower, then we’ll take
him to the doctor’s and make a report about Rebekah.’ She didn’t want to mention the words police and missing with Archie about.

  Taking Harry out of his Babygro, she slipped him out of his nappy and gave him a proper check over. The nappy was wet, which was good. There were no marks on his body and his bum wasn’t sore so there was no obvious cause to his distress.

  Archie got one of his baby rattles and jingled it in Harry’s vision. ‘It’s okay, Harry. Mum will get you sorted.’

  For the first time since their arrival there was a pause in Harry’s warbles.

  ‘Aww, you like that, don’t you?’ Archie continued to dance the rattle from one side to the other, Harry’s vision following the toy.

  The moment’s silence gave Dawn an idea. When Archie used to get this upset she would give him a tummy massage in the bath to try and ease any trapped wind. The plastic tub they were using for Harry was propped up on the dining table.

  While Archie amused Harry, Dawn chucked out the folded towels that had been stored in the baby bath and went to fill it with warm water. In every quarter of the house were signs that Rebekah and David weren’t coping with Harry’s arrival. The sink was full of bottles that needed cleaning, there wasn’t a clear surface and, judging by the other evidence of takeaways she spotted, they’d given up on cooking.

  Harry was months old rather than weeks now. Surely they should have adjusted and found some way to make it work, even if it involved hiring a cleaner to keep things ticking over.

  When the tub was full enough, Dawn carried it into the front room and placed it beside Archie and Harry. The crying had started again although not as urgently this time, with Archie managing to provide distraction for short periods.

  ‘Any chance you want to help me give him a bath?’

  It would be easier with two pairs of hands and, as it was a while since she’d done this, Archie’s help would be a godsend.

  ‘I’ve never bathed a baby before.’

  ‘I don’t think I had either before I had you.’ Dawn grabbed a couple of towels from the table so they were in reaching distance and proceeded to lift Harry off the changing mat. ‘We have to be really careful to support Harry while he’s in there and keep his head above water.’

  ‘You’re going to have a lovely dip in the water, Harry.’ Archie was providing more reassurance than Dawn. ‘Can I help wash him, Mum?’

  ‘Of course, just remember to be gentle and don’t get any water in his eyes.’

  Archie cupped his hand and let the small amount of water trickle over Harry’s delicate tummy and repeated it when Harry gurgled approval.

  ‘He’s a water baby, Mum. Harry likes it.’

  It was a relief to see the baby responding positively to being immersed. Carefully, Dawn wetted Harry’s hair, ensuring nothing trickled into his face, as Archie continued sprinkling mini waterfalls over Harry’s tummy.

  ‘When you used to get wind I’d rub your tummy ever so gently. You do it like this.’ Dawn let her thumb trace ever so gently in a curved direction. ‘If you do it like that it should help any of that wind find its way to his bottom. Do you want to have a go?’

  Archie copied exactly what she’d done and Harry gurgled a satisfied response.

  ‘He likes it.’

  ‘He does. You best carry on.’

  For a good few minutes they were there, Dawn supporting Harry’s head with Archie giving his tummy gentle strokes.

  In these calming moments the noise in Dawn’s head became louder and louder. She got the distinct impression that Rebekah had been gone longer than overnight like David had claimed. And considering the state of his stubble and the odour of his clothes, he’d certainly not been into work at any point recently. Once David was out of the shower, as long as Harry was more settled, she needed to get the truth out of him. Just as her concerns were starting to topple over, an eruption of sound caught her attention.

  Archie started to giggle wildly.

  ‘What was that?’ Dawn asked, realising she hadn’t been focusing anywhere near as closely as she should be.

  ‘Shall we try again, Harry? Show Mum what you did.’

  Archie controlled his laughter and carried on his gentle massage of Harry’s tummy.

  Harry grimaced, which made him look distinctly like a pug dog, before allowing another volcanic effort out. Bubbles filtered through the water and Archie giggled with delight.

  ‘Harry farted, Mum! Isn’t that the funniest thing ever?’ Scrunching up his own face into a pug-like expression, Archie got close to Harry’s face. ‘I bet that feels a whole lot better, baby boy.’

  And for the first time, at least that Dawn knew of, that little baby boy grinned a gummy smile, as if he’d been waiting all this time for Archie to come and be here for him.

  By the time David returned from his shower, Harry was dressed and in his bouncer. Archie had fed him his bottle with supervision and they were now watching Archie’s beloved TV series together. Dawn was pretty sure Archie’s action-by-action commentary would be enough to send any baby to sleep. Any adult for that matter.

  ‘So has Rebekah been in touch?’ Dawn asked David out of earshot of the boys.

  ‘Not yet.’

  ‘Have you reported her missing?’

  ‘Not yet.’ David sounded so despondent, it was hard to know what to say.

  ‘When exactly did she leave? Did she say anything about where she was going?’ Perhaps if they could at least work out where she might have gone they could go and look for her themselves, and save having to involve the police.

  ‘She didn’t say anything. She just left this note.’ David went and took a piece of paper off the fridge, which had been secured by a magnet.

  It simply said: Sorry, I’ll be back tomorrow.

  ‘How many days has she been gone?’ It had occurred to Dawn when she’d changed Harry that the basket was running low on nappies. There might be a hidden supply she didn’t know about, but if those were all that was left, then they hadn’t been delivered yesterday evening.

  Despite his shower, David looked gaunt, the dark shadows under his eyes causing the rest of him to look a pale grey. He leaned against the kitchen counter as if the weight of everything had suddenly become too much.

  ‘How many days?’ Dawn repeated.

  ‘Two.’ David said it so quietly it was barely a whisper.

  ‘What?’ Dawn wasn’t able to mask her despair. ‘Why haven’t you done anything yet?’

  ‘I just figured she needed some rest and that she’d be back like she said she would.’

  ‘But she didn’t come back, so why haven’t you done anything?’ Rebekah could have been in an accident or hurt herself without anyone knowing. If Dawn’s head was filling with dread knowing her sister-in-law had been gone for two days, then David’s should be in overdrive. So why the hell hadn’t he rung the police already?

  David reached into his jeans pocket and pulled out his phone. He pressed the screen with his thumb and then turned it for Dawn to see.

  It was a text message with the words: One more night.

  Both the note and the text message were far too brief. They didn’t give away what was really happening.

  ‘What is it that Rebekah doesn’t want you to tell me? You have to. If we’re going to find her I need to understand what’s going on.’ The thought struck Dawn that perhaps David had been having an affair. She didn’t like to think ill of her brother, but surely only something like that would drive Rebekah away.

  ‘It’s silly.’

  ‘How can you call something that has driven your wife away silly?’

  ‘I don’t think I’ve been a very good husband.’

  ‘What have you done?’ It was strange to be as close to someone as she was her brother, but on occasions feel so far apart.

  ‘I didn’t listen to her.’

  ‘About what?’ Dawn was getting frustrated with her brother. It wasn’t as if they had all day to talk about this. Archie and Harry would only be c
ontent for so long and they needed to work out what they were going to do to find Rebekah.

  ‘She hasn’t been herself ever since the baby arrived. It’s not just the sleepless nights and the change of lifestyle. It’s more than that. The health visitor and doctor have suggested it’s postnatal depression, but she’s refusing any help. She keeps saying they’ve got it all wrong because she can’t possibly be diagnosed with that when she isn’t postnatal. That’s why she doesn’t want you to know. It’s because she thinks you’re the only one entitled to be feeling depressed and she doesn’t want you to know she’s not coping.’

  David took a deep breath as if a great weight had been shifted from his chest.

  ‘Did she refuse treatment?’ Dawn didn’t want to feel angry, but there was unease shifting through her at the thought this was all going wrong. Creating a perfect family for them wasn’t meant to go like this. A child should bring a family closer together, not split them further apart. She understood why Rebekah had wanted Dawn to stay away in the first few weeks, but since then she’d become alienated from her brother. The worry about a bond not being formed had been Rebekah’s first concern and now it seemed it was becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy.

  Dawn ignored the tug on her heart saying that Harry was hers. Maybe the fact she still secretly thought that was part of the problem.

  ‘They offered her counselling, but she’s refused. She keeps saying it’s just down to lack of sleep. I figured she was coming back as soon as she got a good night’s rest.’

  ‘And when she didn’t… Why didn’t you do something about it yesterday?’ It was hard to understand why her brother wasn’t more concerned. ‘Do you know where she is?’

  ‘I’m pretty sure I do, although I haven’t checked yet.’

  ‘Where?’

  ‘The TravelStop in Owerdale. She’s stayed there one night before so she could get a break. I should have told you then, but I blamed it on a tummy bug. Somehow it was easier to tell you that rather than the truth.’

  Dawn didn’t want to dwell on the fact her brother had been dishonest with her. ‘So why didn’t you try to find her there yesterday?’

  ‘Things haven’t been easy. I never know what to do or say to her these days.’