All That Is Left of Us

by Catherine Miller

  ‘When Harry wakes up he’s going to love seeing the meerkats.’

  ‘I’m sure he will, Archie, but we’re not waking him up for the occasion.’

  ‘Oh no. Not unless he wakes up. Can we go there now, though?’

  How had she created such a baby expert? Dawn was surprised he hadn’t taken Rebekah that way already, but she’d probably kept him grounded.

  ‘We can, but Auntie Rebekah probably wants to go for that walk and she might like to take Harry with her?’ Dawn said it hopefully, with no real expectation that Rebekah would want to, but it was worth a try.

  ‘No, he looks too comfortable there.’ A shadow passed across her expression like the black cloud in her life was circling closer.

  Without any further thought, Dawn gently unstrapped the sling keeping Harry close to her body. She knew there was a chance he would wake, but that would be no bad thing. If he was asleep the whole visit, it wouldn’t help make Rebekah realise she could manage with him outside the house.

  When she placed Harry against Rebekah’s chest she didn’t resist. Instead she instinctively took in the scent of his head while he was secured in place.

  ‘Comfortable?’ Dawn asked before passing over the change bag as well.

  ‘I just find it so hard when I can’t settle him. I worry people will look at me and realise I’m a bad mother. Or worse, they’ll sense he’s not really mine and call social services to have me investigated.’

  Dawn rested a hand on Rebekah’s shoulder. ‘Every child screams and publicly humiliates us at some point. It’s their right as our children. If today is that day, we’ll deal with it. For now, just take it one step at a time and take Harry to meet the animals.’

  ‘And you’ll be at the meerkats if I need to come and find you?’

  ‘Yes, we’ll be there if you need us. And there’s a nice shady bench there if you need somewhere to feed Harry. In fact, that bench is pretty much moulded to my bottom shape, I sit on it so frequently.’

  ‘Okay, well, I’ll see you soon.’

  Rebekah set off on one path as they set off on another, and Dawn was pretty sure she heard Rebekah whisper ‘I missed you’ into Harry’s ear. Although that would be far too fairy tale, so she must have imagined it.

  Following Archie on their usual route, Dawn tried not to fixate on how Rebekah and Harry were getting on, but it was the only thing she thought of. They were both so vulnerable right now and while sending them off together to go round the zoo had seemed like a bright idea, maybe it would do more harm than good.

  It wasn’t until they reached the meerkat enclosure that Dawn remembered the note Joel had given her. She’d not really thought about it, let alone acted on it. She should have phoned him to say something. It was nice that he’d responded to her son’s suggestion of a date, but currently she didn’t have the time or inclination. She wished she’d responded in some way, even if it had been to decline, as now she felt she’d been rude to someone who was being so kind.

  Dawn took up residence in her usual spot and got her sketchpad out to try and make some progress with the designs she’d been working on, but she was struggling to concentrate. Not only was she worrying about Rebekah and Harry; now she was wondering why Joel wasn’t here like he usually was on a Saturday morning. She’d got so used to him being here ready to greet her son, she missed him on behalf of Archie.

  When they’d been there twenty minutes and Dawn had attempted to sketch a dreamcatcher with perfect lines, she had to admit to herself that maybe she was missing Joel as well. His weekly gift of tea and chocolate was something she looked forward to.

  Unable to sit still any longer, Dawn braved going to chat to Archie during his note-taking. It was a risky business as he might make her try and learn who was who off by heart again, but there was too much going on in her head for her not to try and quieten those thoughts.

  As she approached, Archie put his finger to his lips, indicating for her to be quiet. They didn’t normally have to halt conversation around the meerkats. They were quite used to the daily visitors to the zoo making all sorts of noises.

  When she got closer, it became clear why her son was making her be cautious. Joel was also inside the pen. No wonder her son hadn’t been upset by his absence. He’d known he was there all along.

  ‘What’s going on?’ Dawn whispered, unsure as to exactly what Joel was up to.

  ‘Elvis isn’t well. He’s not acting right. Some of the other males are squabbling, trying to take over and become the alpha. Joel’s keeping an eye out to see if there’s anything he can do. Elvis probably needs to see a vet.’

  Peering into the enclosure, briefly taking note of Joel’s stocky figure, even Dawn was able to pick Elvis out. He was curled up in a ball, appearing very sorry for himself, and it looked like Eleanor, his alpha female, was watching out for him. If she’d ever thought human behaviour could be odd, the meerkats beat it hands down. They stuck together and then, when it came to working out who was in charge, it turned to wrestling scraps. Thinking about it, maybe they were more like humans than she’d realised. ‘Are you okay?’ Archie would find it really hard if Elvis didn’t make it and, not knowing enough about the lifespan of a meerkat, she didn’t know if the alpha male was near to the end of his.

  ‘I know Joel will do whatever is best. I wish he would stay as the meerkat keeper for ever.’

  It was telling that Archie was just as worried about Joel’s departure when he rotated onto another section of the zoo as he was about the possible imminent death of his favourite meerkat. It was amazing how these attachments could develop so quickly.

  A sure scream broke through their melancholy of observing the poorly Elvis. There was the attachment that needed most work. As Rebekah approached she appeared to be crying as much as Harry.

  ‘He won’t stop. I shouldn’t have taken him off by myself. I knew this would happen.’

  ‘He’s hungry,’ Archie said, so matter-of-fact.

  Dawn guided Rebekah and Harry to the bench.

  ‘We were doing okay, but sometimes he cries so urgently I can’t do anything fast enough. I’m sorry, it’s set me off. I don’t know how anyone copes, honestly.’

  ‘It’s okay, you don’t need to apologise to anyone. No one here is going to get upset about a hungry baby crying. Ignore any looks you might get. Just keep yourself calm and get on with what needs to be done. I know that’s easier said than done, but the only person you need to focus on is Harry.’ Dawn was trying to avoid clichéd lines about how it would get better, but Rebekah needed reassurance in whatever form it came.

  Rebekah was already going through the process of getting Harry’s bottle ready. Dawn had forgotten how incredibly adept she’d been at getting things ready using just one hand when Archie had been small. There was that, and the ability to prep a bottle with your eyes closed.

  When the teat was in Harry’s mouth and all was peaceful again, Rebekah smoothed away her tears with her coat. ‘Are you okay? You look pretty pale.’

  Dawn should have been asking Rebekah that, not the other way round. ‘Elvis might die,’ she whispered.

  ‘Erm… I thought he already had?’ Rebekah arched an eyebrow, as if Dawn had lost the plot.

  ‘Elvis is the alpha male meerkat. Don’t tell me Archie hasn’t managed to bore you with every detail about his favourite animal?’

  ‘Come to think of it, he has. Is Archie going to be okay?’

  ‘He’ll be very upset if he doesn’t make it. He’ll probably be the first meerkat to ever receive a eulogy. He’s got really attached to the new keeper as well. I’m just as worried about that. He’s only working with the meerkats for another three months and Archie already has the date he leaves up on our calendar. He’s been really good for Archie. I’m going to be sad to see him go as well.’ Their summer project was almost at an end and Joel was due to present all their work to the zoo trustees next week.

  Peering over to the subject matter of their conversation, she saw Archi
e was talking to Joel over the enclosure wall. Archie’s head ducked and, even though he was almost out of reach, Joel managed to put a hand on his shoulder.

  Instinctively, Dawn went to him. Whatever was going on it didn’t appear to be promising.

  Joel had obviously had the same idea and was making his way round, but taking longer with having to go through the partitioning doors.

  ‘Elvis is dead, Mum.’

  ‘Oh, darling.’ Dawn embraced Archie tightly, knowing his little heart was breaking and there wasn’t any more she was able to about it.

  ‘I’m sorry.’ Joel crouched down to speak to Archie. ‘It was his time.’

  Archie stretched out his arms and linked them round Joel’s neck. ‘I wasn’t ready.’

  ‘It’s okay, bud. I chatted with him like you always do and he told me he was ready. That the time was right. He told me to say goodbye. You’ve been such a good friend to him.’

  Joel smoothed her son’s back and it was enough to make her cry as well. Of all the things there were to be upset about, she was crying over a meerkat, but then Elvis had represented so much more than that.

  ‘Tell you what, bud, why don’t we take advantage of my staff discount card and get everyone tea and cake. Then we can find a quiet spot and talk about all the things we loved about Elvis.’

  Joel got his wallet out and passed Dawn a card with some cash. Having brushed away her emotional moment, she needed to try and keep it together for her son.

  ‘I just need to go and sort out a few things. Can you get me a black coffee and I’ll meet you up by the llamas? There are some benches there where we can get some peace and quiet.’

  Dawn knew from Joel’s expression that he needed Archie to be away from the enclosure. That during the time they were waiting in the queue, he would be removing Elvis’s body away from the rest of the pack. The llamas were on a route away from the meerkats and she knew this was also deliberate. That whatever it was that Joel needed to do would be done with dignity and out of sight of her son. She nodded a response, not quite able to form words without letting it become apparent this had hit her in a way she hadn’t expected.

  Joel crouched down so he was at eye level with Archie again. ‘And make sure you pick out the best cakes they have for us.’

  Archie responded with a nod as well, clearly hurting.

  With an arm round his shoulders, Dawn led her son away in the direction of the café. She wanted to pick him up and hold him close and return to the days when a hug would make it all better. In his short life he’d been fortunate enough not to have to deal with grieving. This was the closest he’d ever come to losing a family member and in his world of order it might be a huge derailment.

  ‘Are you going?’ Rebekah was on the bench in the midst of feeding Harry.

  Dawn had forgotten they were there in the few minutes she’d discovered her son’s idol had passed away. ‘We’ll be up by the llamas. Come and find us there.’

  Dawn did her best to signal with gestures that she needed to take Archie away from the area.

  ‘But what do I do if Harry starts screaming again?’

  ‘You can come and find us. We’re not far away.’ It wasn’t Dawn’s intention to abandon Rebekah – after all, she needed reassuring that she was doing a fine job of parenting – but at this moment in time it was Archie needing her support. It wouldn’t do Rebekah any harm to be tested outside of her comfort zone. Hopefully it would only prove she was more capable than she realised.

  Before long they were all assembled round the table with drinks and cakes. Harry was in a contented slumber in his sling, Rebekah rocking ever so gently in an effort to keep it that way. Archie was waiting for everyone to say their bit about Elvis before tucking into his cake. ‘You go first, Mum.’

  ‘My favourite thing about Elvis was how he made you so happy and how he made me see you in another light.’ Dawn didn’t know how else to put it, but yes, in the years they’d been coming here, she’d gone from a mother worrying about why her son had such obsessive habits, to one that knew his habits just showed he cared and was happy to go above and beyond in his love of animals.

  ‘You next.’ Archie looked to Joel for the next comment.

  ‘I loved how much Elvis cared for his family. He’s been a great alpha male and he’ll be a hard act to follow. What was your favourite thing about him, Archie?’

  For a moment, Archie concentrated on the picnic bench’s wooden slats, tracing the grain with his finger.

  ‘I think there are too many things to say all in one go,’ he said.

  Dawn put her hand out for him to hold if he wanted to. ‘You can tell me all the different things as many times as you like. You don’t have to say them all today.’ She was aware of how upsetting this would be for him.

  ‘Can I say one thing? It’s a bit silly.’

  ‘Say whatever you like,’ Dawn said. It was a large audience for a boy who was hurting.

  ‘I like the way he used to scratch himself. You know, like a proper boy scratch.’

  Joel laughed and Dawn realised what her son must to be referring to.

  ‘I said it was silly, but it always made me laugh.’

  Dawn smiled at the thought of her boy finding something like a meerkat scratching his balls amusing. He was growing up, but he was still a kid at heart.

  ‘Now, are we allowed to eat these cakes?’ Joel asked. From behind Archie, Joel winked at Dawn. It seemed they were both finding the humour in Archie’s remark. It made her think of the winking meerkat he’d painted.

  Archie turned and caught the exchange. ‘So are you two going out yet?’ He turned from Joel to her, his expression practically pleading.

  ‘What’s that?’ Rebekah asked, startled into thinking she’d missed something.

  Dawn didn’t know how to explain to any of them. She wanted to like Joel in the way her son wanted her to, but if that were the case she would have called him despite being crazy-busy. As it was she’d been too distracted by everything going on with David and Rebekah to concentrate on her own life. And she wasn’t really sure she was ever going to be ready for anything in that department.

  ‘Thanks for asking your mum out for me, buddy, but she’s far too busy looking after you to have time for dating.’

  ‘Oh,’ Archie said, sounding far too much like a wounded puppy.

  ‘She has time for dating,’ Rebekah said, putting her not so helpful two penn’orth in. ‘You two should definitely go out.’

  Talk about being ganged up on. ‘It’s just…’ There were so many things to say, but also none at all. There was no reason why she shouldn’t go out with Joel, but seeing the way Archie looked up to him, she wasn’t sure she would ever see him in that way. ‘I don’t want Archie to be disappointed when we end up being just friends.’

  ‘We can go out as just friends,’ Joel said. ‘I have something I need a plus one for. It’s tonight. If you’re up for it?’

  Dawn shrugged her reservations away. If life was teaching her anything of late it was to go with the flow. ‘Why not? If it’s just as friends.’ Even though every excuse under the sun had passed through her mind at the prospect of dating, if it was just as friends then there didn’t seem to be any harm in that. Although the mention of plus one did sound like she might be dragged along to a wedding unawares. If it would make Archie happy to know she’d at least tried, then she would go.

  Chapter 21

  Getting ready for a date that was a non-date was the most ridiculous concept ever. Since Dawn had agreed to be Joel’s plus one he’d refused to give her more details other than that she should wear a dress. As she currently had a built-in babysitter in the form of Rebekah (who was also encouraging the event wholeheartedly), it was hard to back out so soon after saying yes.

  But the wardrobe crisis she was suffering was so unbelievably epic she wasn’t sure what to do. It was only three months since she’d given birth to Harry and, as she’d not been doing sit-ups like a crazed woman, she wa
s nowhere close to her pre-surrogacy body. All the dresses she owned were clinging to places she’d rather not highlight and she’d not had a reason to buy any new outfits of late, so there were none sitting in her wardrobe waiting.

  In the end she settled for a black A-line skirt that did a good job of smoothing over any bumps and a floaty silk halter-neck top that glided over the parts where it was necessary. Overall, the outfit showed off her toned legs and arms without drawing the eye to the part that needed attention. Even though she wasn’t wearing a dress, the two pieces of clothing together looked like some of the modern designs, so hopefully it would be right for wherever it was they were going.

  At half seven that evening, Joel picked her up in a taxi as planned. To her surprise he was in a tux and the difference from his usual appearance at the zoo was striking. Yes, he still had his dreadlocks, but they were neatly tied back, showing off his tanned face and striking blue eyes. Had she really been blind to him all these months? And now she was noticing him, she had to remember she’d forced the issue of this date being platonic.

  ‘Are you going to tell me where we’re going?’ The taxi driver pulled off as soon as they were in, so Joel had obviously given him instructions on where to go before they arrived at Dawn’s flat.

  ‘Why spoil the surprise?’

  ‘Because if we’re heading to your ex-girlfriend’s wedding or something, then I’d quite like to know.’

  ‘You look lovely, by the way.’ Joel did a half-grin, taking the sight of her in in a way that gave her butterflies.

  ‘Don’t try and change the subject,’ she said, trying to be practical and not get distracted from the fact they were just friends.

  ‘We’re nearly there anyway, so you’ll know soon.’

  The taxi driver was taking them away from the centre of Owerdale and further into the New Forest. The skies were so clear you could make out every star in the sky tonight.

  There were fewer places for them to head to this way and, for a while, Dawn listed all the wedding venues out this way to see if she was right about what they were up to.