All That Is Left of Us

by Catherine Miller

  ‘Can I help with anything?’ David joined her in the kitchen area.

  ‘I’m nearly done,’ Dawn said, as she ladled gravy onto the plates. ‘Are you okay?’ she asked in the hope of gauging if everything was as harmonious as it seemed.

  David let out a sigh before he answered. Under the surface there was still so much to say. ‘I can’t say I’m not worried.’ He glanced over his shoulder, checking to see if Rebekah was suitably occupied. ‘She just seems so changeable. One minute everything is okay, the next it really isn’t. And I can’t be with her all the time to make sure we’re on an even keel. I need to get back to work before we lose my income.’

  ‘Do you think she’ll manage if you go back?’ It was Monday tomorrow and, judging by how Rebekah had been only a couple of days before, it seemed a bit sudden for her to be left on her own with Harry.

  ‘I’m not sure how else we’ll cope. I can take another day off work but it’s not particularly easy taking last-minute days off. They’ve already been generous with their support. I can take a couple more days’ annual leave, but it means I don’t have it for later on. We just can’t afford for me to take unpaid leave.’

  ‘They can hang out with us then. We don’t have any plans for tomorrow and we’re at the zoo on Tuesday ready for Joel’s presentation. Rebekah can bring Harry here tomorrow. I really think getting out of the house is what she needs to build her confidence. She needs to realise every new mother is in the same boat as her. And I really do think she needs some kind of bereavement counselling. Having Harry has brought about a lot of unexpected feelings for her. It has for all of us.’

  Harry stirred in his car seat and Rebekah started to tend to him. It meant she was in earshot so the conversation quickly died.

  ‘So it’s going well with this Joel guy then?’ David glanced over to the flowers now resting in the washing-up bowl. ‘Rebekah told me about your date.’

  ‘He’s a nice guy, but it’s Archie who’s in love with him. We’re friends, that’s all. I’m not risking it not working out and Archie’s heart being broken for ever. It’s bad enough with Elvis having passed away.’

  ‘Archie did mention that to me. He’s a sensitive lad and that’s a good thing.’

  Dawn wanted to agree, but it was hard to live a life where any kind of change, however small, could be turned into something much bigger.

  With dinner ready, they grabbed a couple of plates each and laid them on the table while they all gathered.

  Harry was mithering on Rebekah’s shoulder. ‘Looks like someone else is hungry,’ Rebekah said, a lightness to her Dawn hadn’t witnessed over the past few days. It was good to see it returning.

  ‘Can Harry have some Brussels sprouts, Mum?’ Archie asked.

  Dawn joined him at the table. ‘Not for a few months yet, Arch. Remember I told you he’s too young to wean at the moment.’

  ‘It can be his first food, though, can’t it, Auntie Rebekah?’

  Dawn grinned at her son’s hopefulness. ‘I think your auntie gets to decide that.’

  ‘We’ll take turns to eat,’ David offered to Rebekah as he riffled through their baby bag getting milk ready for Harry.

  ‘Okay, well, you go first.’ Rebekah contentedly took the bottle and settled down on the sofa with a muslin to feed her son.

  The sight made Dawn smile. Not just because an aura of happiness was filtering from them, but because for once she was regarding Harry as Rebekah’s son. She’d always known it. It was a fact, but there was a part of her still struggling to allow that tie to be broken. Maybe allowing that to disappear would help Rebekah’s bond grow.

  It was a couple of days later when Dawn remembered the card she’d stashed away in the drawer. She waited till Archie was in bed to go and retrieve it, not sure if she’d want him to read the contents.

  Once it was open, Dawn wasn’t sure if she would rather have left it in the drawer. The message read: Friends till the end. There was no sign-off so it had to be from Joel. If they hadn’t underlined that they were going to remain just friends often enough, this was the confirmation. It was oddly disappointing.

  So when they were back at his place on another art class invitation she tried not to act like her pride was too hurt. It was a nice gesture. Who wouldn’t want a friend for life as generous in nature as Joel was?

  This time, Dawn was joining in with the art class. Not with the oil paintings, but with her familiar love of pen and pencil. She copied the technique of getting the structure of the animal’s body, then filled in the finer details in black and white. Considering she’d never really drawn an animal without it being entirely abstract she was pretty pleased with the outcome.

  Joel and Archie were still in the midst of their painting when she’d already finished, so she decided to do another in her own abstract style: all lines, stars and shapes forming the overall body. It was her freehand style that was supposedly going to lead her to being a great tattoo artist, but she would have to see if she really had the skill for it. There was something very daunting about the prospect of having to use a needle rather than a pencil.

  ‘I’ve always loved your drawings,’ Joel said, as he finished and started to clear up their painting mess. ‘I used to admire them at Maureen’s café.’

  ‘Thank you. I’ve always considered myself as more of a doodler.’

  ‘And that’s why you want to train as a tattoo artist?’

  ‘I just want to find a way to put that skill to better use than I do now. I think it’s going to be the best way for me to earn a living from it.’

  Archie was still painting and too immersed to join in the chatter.

  ‘Do you have a portfolio?’

  ‘Yes.’ She’d just about completed the work she’d been doing over the summer and her updated portfolio was in the boot of her car. ‘It’s been refreshed so it’s a bit tattoo-focused at the moment.’

  ‘Would you mind if I showed it to a friend of mine? It might be really suitable for something he’s thinking about doing.’

  ‘Really? What is it?’

  ‘It’s an art project of sorts. I think your work might be just the ticket for what he needs.’

  ‘Would it pay?’ She wasn’t going to take time away from preparing for her apprenticeship if it wasn’t worth her while. The whole point was to turn her talent into profit in the hope of making Archie’s and her life more comfortable.

  ‘It would be, if he thought it was suitable. If you can give me your portfolio, I’ll show it to him.’

  ‘Okay then,’ Dawn agreed. She wasn’t going to pass up an opportunity if it came along. And it was lucky her portfolio was in the boot of her car. It seemed this art lesson might have been more to her advantage than Archie’s.

  Chapter 23

  ‘Who’s my dad?’

  It was such a straightforward question, but that didn’t make it an easy one to answer. There was always going to be a day that Archie asked. It turned out today was that day and Dawn was totally unprepared for it.

  They’d arrived at the zoo and were on the way to watch Joel’s presentation.

  Among Dawn’s friends and family, the question of Archie’s fathering was such a taboo subject of conversation it was a long since forgotten topic. She’d never told anyone, not even her brother. It was one of those subjects that over the years had grown totally out of proportion. At the time she’d not wanted to tell anyone. Not the father or anyone else. So it became her secret, knowing the consequences of letting everyone know the truth would have repercussions, and now she was older, those possibilities were no more remote than they once were.

  ‘He’s not in our life any more. You don’t need to worry about him.’ It was all Dawn found to say and it was totally inadequate. It wasn’t what she should be saying.

  ‘I’m not worrying about him, I just wondered who he is. Why don’t I ever see him?’

  Dawn took a breath. Archie’s world was formatted in black and white and this was such a grey area. She didn�
��t know where to start. ‘This is a big conversation, Archie. If we talk about it now, we’ll miss the presentation. Why don’t we go and listen to the talk and then we can discuss it afterwards?’ Considering Dawn had had Archie’s whole life to figure out what to say, she was woefully unprepared. At least if Archie agreed to talk about it afterwards it would give her a chance to think.

  ‘Is he dead? Like Elvis?’

  ‘No, I don’t think so.’ At least he wasn’t last time she’d checked. Not that she did regularly, but then sometimes these things came around by chance.

  ‘It’s just, if he was, then it’s okay for someone else to become the alpha male. They become like the dad then. That’s why it’s okay when one of the other meerkats takes over, because that way, no one will miss Elvis. At least not as much as they did.’

  Dawn was confused. She needed some kind of analysis book to work out how her son was connecting life’s dots. ‘The only male I need to worry about is you. And if you want to know who your dad is we’ll work something out.’ In her head this had been something they would resolve when he was sixteen. Old enough to have an understanding of why his father couldn’t be in his life. Or at least why his mum had decided they didn’t need him. Now was too early, but she would do whatever was best for Archie even if it meant causing upset along the way.

  ‘No, I want to know when you’ll let Joel become the alpha male.’

  It was hard to explain to a ten-year-old why it was impossible to force these situations. Especially when there wasn’t a line-up of other potential males wanting to take up the position, unlike in the meerkat family. In Archie’s logical head, Dawn should be taking Joel on as her chosen male. At least it seemed to be more about that than it was a sudden desire to know more about his father.

  ‘Look, we’re here.’ They’d arrived outside the education centre where the talk was being held. ‘Do you want to go in and listen or do you want to chat some more?’

  ‘We have to go in.’ Archie was adamant on the point and without further discussion they went in to go and find Joel.

  They’d spent the day with Rebekah yesterday and she’d agreed to come and meet them after the talk. Dawn just hoped she was brave enough to cope with another outing with Harry. She didn’t want to worry any more about them when Archie was creating a small minefield of awkward matters for her to deal with.

  ‘Hi.’

  It was Joel wearing a suit jacket, and he looked just as dapper as when he’d worn a tux the other night. Friends till the end, Dawn reminded herself.

  ‘Nearly everyone is here. I saved you some seats at the front.’ Joel offered Archie a wink and Dawn found her own stomach doing a somersault. Her son had invested lots of time in this; it was no wonder she was nervous. And now seeing everyone in the room looking very smart and official and particularly non-zoolike, the butterflies inside her stomach intensified.

  As they found their way to the front of the room Dawn offered some weak smiles to those waiting in other seats, but it did nothing to hide the sudden onslaught of concern. The reason Archie wanted Joel as the alpha male in his life was because he was his hero. For so long, he’d only ever had his Uncle David to look up to and now he was too busy with his own son. Of course a man sharing his own interests would be the bee’s knees. And today had the potential to demonstrate how capable they were. Joel and Archie – the team. It would be a very sad day if they didn’t secure the funding they’d worked so hard to gain.

  A gentleman who, in his fleece top and combat-style trousers, actually looked like he might work here introduced the purpose of the talks. It was in the hope of securing the funds to allow the keeper for the day programme to go ahead. He talked financial figures about the initial layout and how, despite the expense, it made monetary sense long-term with the potential income the zoo would gain. He explained it in such a way that even Dawn knew what he was on about. It made sense, but there were people around her making notes and, even with this clear pitch, she sensed it wasn’t a done deal.

  First up he introduced the staff presenting for the larger animal experience: the elephants, giraffes and rhinos. An older woman with wiry hair took over the discussion at this point and conveyed her talk with the help of a PowerPoint presentation. The proposition of caring for wildlife the public wouldn’t normally encounter so close up sounded fun to Dawn, but when the woman was questioned on aspects of health and safety, she stumbled with some of her answers. It wasn’t the kind of thing they would want overlooked when it came to hefty animals and the public interacting.

  Joel was up next and, after a brief introduction, it was his turn to take the floor. His presentation wasn’t quite so high tech with him holding a set of cue cards to remind him what to say.

  ‘When the idea of making the zookeeper experience came about, within five minutes I knew who to ask about making our meerkat family part of the day as successful as possible. He’s a familiar figure to many of the staff at the zoo as he’s one of our most loyal visitors. In fact, I can’t remember a Saturday when he hasn’t come to visit us. So I can’t claim to have worked alone on this. I would like to introduce my helper, the biggest meerkat expert I know, Archie Manton.’

  The audience clapped and, to Dawn’s astonishment, Archie got up to go and stand next to Joel.

  Joel placed a supportive arm on Archie’s shoulder and continued with what he was saying. ‘So, without further ado we would like to invite you all to come and look at the plans we’ve been working on.’

  Joel slipped his arm away and Archie and he headed in opposite directions. It took Dawn a second to realise the back wall was covered with a canvas sheet. Joel and Archie exchanged a look and, in a fluid movement that reminded her of the waiters from the other night, managed to yank the covering away from the wall.

  What Dawn had seen before was only a fraction of the work they’d done. In the centre was a large painting of Elvis (even Dawn was able to recognise who it was), but even if she hadn’t the words ELVIS’S LEGACY were a helpful clue. All the people in suits started to head over to the boards, the eye-catching colours brightening the room up. Heading for her son, she hugged him before getting him to give her a personalised tour.

  ‘They’re all interactive,’ Archie said, lifting a flap to show her an interesting fact on one board. ‘It’s so it’s good for all ages. For kids like me as well as adults.’

  Her son didn’t seem like such a kid at the moment. Suddenly, it felt like he was very grown-up and she’d barely witnessed the transition.

  ‘As you can see…’ Joel started speaking with a microphone, his voice booming over the chatter to give an explanation of how they hoped the display would increase the footfall to the meerkats and raise interest in the keeper experience. He went on to explain what would be involved with the activities available on their part of the zookeeper experience.

  Dawn had to admire their hard work. Okay, much of the hard graft had been done by Joel, but he’d featured all the different elements Archie had suggested, including the webcam that was due to go live soon.

  At the end of his talk, Joel handed the microphone to the gentleman compering the whole event and he finished up by inviting everyone to enjoy the lunch buffet and chat with the relevant staff if they had any further questions.

  Joel made a beeline for Dawn and Archie. ‘What do you think?’

  ‘It’s amazing. I can’t believe how much you two have got done over the summer. Do you think it’ll get the go-ahead?’ Dawn was looking at the artwork, not quite able to meet Joel’s eye.

  ‘They’ve invested in the idea so far, so hopefully there isn’t any reason why it won’t. It’s just a case of it all being signed off on now.’

  ‘Great.’

  Archie was eyeing up the buffet and Dawn hadn’t realised the time had run to lunchtime. She was supposed to be meeting Rebekah up by the meerkats so she was leaving her waiting.

  ‘I wanted to ask you something,’ Joel said.

  ‘Oh.’ Dawn took in his ex
pression, trying to work out if it was something to do with the other night. It was a surprise to find she wanted him to ask her out again, even if it was for a platonic evening of enjoyment.

  ‘Would you be okay if I entered Archie’s project into a competition? National Geographic magazine are running a contest and I thought it would be a shame not to put it forward, given all the effort he’s gone to.’

  ‘Oh,’ Dawn said again, this time more from embarrassment at being so far off the mark. ‘Yes, that’s fine. Just let me know if there’s anything I need to do.’

  ‘I might need your signature, but that’s about it.’

  ‘Great, well, let me know.’ It was with sudden sadness Dawn that realised this was the end of this, whatever ‘this’ was. She would for ever remember it as Meerkat Summer and it was one of those blissful periods of time she hadn’t wanted to come to an end. It was probably the only school holiday on record when she’d not struggled to find ways to entertain Archie. Instead he’d been so engrossed in the zookeeper project she’d not even had to worry about finding ways to alleviate his boredom.

  ‘Can I have some food, Mum?’

  As always, Dawn had their packed lunch with them, but as there was a buffet on offer, it seemed a shame not to partake, especially as today was partly about celebrating Archie’s hard work.

  ‘Yes, I just need to get hold of Auntie Rebekah. Would it be okay if she joined us here?’ Dawn asked Joel. Seeing as she’d invited Rebekah to the zoo as a way of being company and support, it was a bit rude to abandon her, and she already had for longer than she’d thought they would.