All That Is Left of Us

by Catherine Miller

‘Is it?’

  ‘He’s the one in the know. Here’s his card. You should see if it’s something you want to work on.’

  Dawn took the card, liking the sound of this prospect. ‘Thank you. I’ll call him.’

  ‘How’s Rebekah?’

  They hadn’t caught up with each other since finding her asleep in the pen. ‘She’s fine, as is Harry. They didn’t see them in there, did they?’

  ‘No, not at all. It was lucky Archie spotted her when he did and we got her out. That would have put a stop to the idea, especially if they’d found out she was in there with a baby. So it wasn’t some kind of mental breakdown?’

  ‘I know it looked like that, but I think it was the opposite. It’s as if she’s realised she’s able to manage.’

  She wanted to tell Joel about meeting with Archie’s father and telling him about his son for the first time, and how, all being well, he would be at the zoo tomorrow to, at the very least, view his son from afar. But the opportunity never presented itself, what with the open plan of the space and her son never being more than a few metres away.

  The afternoon passed quickly. Joel taught Archie how to paint a group of meerkats rather than just individuals and they managed to do a joint canvas, which looked spectacular. It was the distraction she needed to avoid thinking about the following day, and she was glad that, no matter what happened, Archie would still have Joel to turn to, because she was beginning to realise that, without doubt, Joel was Archie’s alpha male. She just needed to work out if he could be hers.

  Chapter 27

  The scene was the same as every weekend: Archie with his notepad, continuing with the checks he did every week, Dawn sat at her bench with her sketchpad. As so often was the case these days, she wasn’t able to concentrate on what she was attempting to do. Instead she was people-watching. Not with her usual aim of whiling away the time here; it was because she was wondering if she would catch sight of a man in his wheelchair.

  As the minutes passed by she began to think he wasn’t coming. It wasn’t surprising considering his physical state. An outing to the zoo would be quite an undertaking and, while at the time it had seemed like a good suggestion, she realised now how impractical it would be for a man who was more or less housebound.

  There was also the possibility that life expectancy had caught up with him. He’d had two extra months already, and learning the truth about a son he’d not known existed might have finished him. He’d seen Dawn, a ghost from his past, and perhaps that was enough to reach the point of goodbye.

  Dawn hoped that wasn’t the case. They might never have a father-son relationship, but she was proud of Archie. If anything, she wanted Shaun to have the comfort of knowing their son was doing okay.

  With all the thoughts of ghosts in her head, it was quite a shock to see a vision of Shaun as she remembered him, tall and lean and with those distinctive grey eyes that were so similar to Archie’s. Of course, Dawn’s brain soon clicked into gear, recognising the person she was staring at as Caitlin’s brother, Graham, pushing his father in his chair. Their similarity now he was older was striking in a way that caught her unawares.

  Joel brought her out of her trance with his weekly offering of tea and chocolate. He was such a gem.

  ‘Is that them?’ Joel whispered.

  They’d ended up spending the whole day together yesterday. They spent so long with Joel they’d ordered a curry at his place before she took Archie home at his bedtime. She’d ended up managing to tell him that Shaun would be here today when Archie had been busy spending half an hour in the toilet because having a wee outside was so much cooler than in the average loo. She knew this as Archie had told her as much.

  ‘Yes.’ Dawn nodded, but didn’t take her eyes off Shaun.

  ‘Are they going to come over? What’s the plan?’

  ‘I just told him we’d be here. It’s up to him if he wants to talk to Archie. I haven’t really thought about it like I should have.’ Dawn had been too busy thinking this moment wasn’t going to happen, even though she’d invited the occasion.

  ‘Are you going to tell Archie?’ Joel took her hand and she let his fingers slide into hers.

  It felt like such a monumental question. There were so many points in life when, as a parent, you could make a mistake. She was pretty sure she’d made some fuck-ups along the way. Today was a testament to that fact. In trying to preserve the integrity of another family, she’d gone and lost the dimensions of her own.

  ‘I don’t know. I’ve lost any comprehension of what the right thing to do is. What would you do?’

  Joel rubbed her fingers with his hand, like they were small animals in need of his TLC. It sent a shiver down her spine. ‘I think Archie is old enough to know for himself. He was the one who asked about his father in the first place. If it’s important to him, you shouldn’t let the chance slip away.’

  There was a lot of comfort coming from Joel’s words. If she got this wrong, there was the potential that Archie would never forgive her.

  Shaun and his son had parked up nearby at one of the large panel windows by the enclosure. They were as innocent as any other tourists visiting the zoo. Perhaps if they stayed there for a long while, they’d be likely to catch Archie’s attention, but otherwise he was oblivious to them and their significance.

  If she wasn’t able to make the decision herself, was it fair to square that responsibility on her son’s shoulders? He might have grown a centimetre or two over the summer, but he was still very much a kid; one who struggled with changes to his routine, but at times amazed her with his comprehension of the world around him.

  Today might be the only day she got to ask him: “Do you want to meet your dad?” If she left it till next week or the one after, it might be too late.

  Knowing that made her feel a bit braver and, giving Joel’s hand a squeeze, she went over to talk to Archie.

  ‘Any sign of a new alpha male yet, Archie?’ The easiest way to relate anything to her son was through his love of meerkats.

  ‘No. Joel thinks it’ll be Ethan, but I think it’ll be Errol. It’s still hard to say.’

  ‘Do you miss Elvis?’ Dawn wasn’t sure where she was going with this, but it seemed important.

  ‘I think about him a lot,’ Archie said. ‘Ethan and Errol won’t ever be as cool as Elvis.’

  ‘They might be. Once they’ve grown up a bit.’

  ‘Maybe.’

  ‘What you said the other day about wanting to know who your father is. Did you mean it?’

  Archie gazed at her with his grey eyes, his long, dark eyelashes outlining their brilliance. ‘Did you find him?’

  ‘I did,’ she said. She wanted to say more. Like if he didn’t want to meet him now, the chance might never happen again, but it was a big enough decision without adding any extra pressure.

  ‘Can I meet him?’ Archie asked.

  ‘If you’d like to?’

  Archie looked up from his notes to study the meerkats and for a moment Dawn wondered if her son would recognise the figure staring into the same space only a few windows away.

  ‘Yes, I think I would,’ he said, having thought his answer over.

  ‘Okay.’ Dawn struggled to get the simple word out, the situation winding her of anything more adequate to say.

  Archie had already returned to his notes and it gave Dawn the opportunity to signal an okay over to Shaun and Graham. It struck her that, out of his home, Shaun was even more of a shadow of his former self.

  Shaun broke into a broad smile. Graham’s hand tapped Shaun’s shoulder and he gripped his son’s hand. From that moment, Dawn knew he’d told his older son. Whether his wife and daughter knew was another matter, but at this moment they wouldn’t be causing any shockwaves if they went and said hello.

  ‘We can say hello now if you want to?’

  ‘Okay,’ Archie said matter-of-factly, like it was something he would usually take in his stride.

  Graham wheeled Shaun around the corne
r towards them and, as they got closer, Dawn’s throat dried up. How was she supposed to introduce a father to his son after all this time? How did she explain to Archie the reasons for Shaun being in a wheelchair?’

  ‘Hello, I’m Archie.’ Her son started the introductions before anyone else had the chance.

  It wasn’t how Dawn had ever imagined this moment. Perhaps because she’d dismissed it as a part of life she’d shut the door on. The past was firmly behind them until Archie had asked questions she’d never thought she would hear from him.

  ‘That one is Ellen,’ Archie continued now Shaun’s wheelchair was next to him.

  The curious meerkat was sitting on the edge of the window box, and was nosing at the spectators.

  ‘She’s very friendly. She’s always the one who comes up to the window first and you can tell it’s her because her belly fur is paler than the others.’

  With an uninterrupted flow, Archie named each of the meerkats and explained how he knew which meerkat was which. Dawn stayed nearby and listened, realising that actually, after all this time, she was pretty sure she would be able to identify each and every one of the meerkats accurately. She wasn’t about to admit that to Archie, though.

  Shaun listened and nodded and smiled. Graham stayed keeping a hold on one of the wheelchair handles. It was one of the most surreal moments: strangers brought together by a boy’s love of meerkats.

  ‘Will you come and see them again?’ Archie asked.

  ‘I’d like to if I get the chance,’ Shaun said.

  ‘You’re my dad, aren’t you?’

  ‘I am, Archie. I’m sorry we haven’t met before today. I didn’t know about you until recently.’

  Guilt prickled across Dawn’s skin, but she knew Shaun’s statement was for Archie’s benefit, not an accusation over the decision she’d made.

  Archie, who was never one for much physical contact, took Shaun’s hand. ‘You’re poorly, aren’t you?’

  ‘Yes, I have been for a while.’

  It was enough to make Dawn want to cry that her son was perceptive enough to know Shaun was poorly, but out here in the daylight it was so much more evident than in the comfort of his own home.

  There was a pause while Archie stared into the enclosure. Joel put an arm around Dawn’s shoulder, making her realise how tense she was.

  She wanted to say something. To explain everything to Archie. She’d not wanted everything to happen so quickly, but then the moment was here and she saw in her son’s expression how he was processing everything he was learning.

  ‘When you die, you’ll get to meet Elvis.’

  Shaun smiled at the enlightening comment. ‘Well, I was always a fan of his music so it’ll be good if he’s putting on gigs in heaven.’

  Archie shook his head. ‘Not that one. Elvis the meerkat. He died a few weeks ago. He was the alpha male and the best meerkat in the world. I miss him.’

  ‘I’m sorry. I should have realised. Well, when I see him, what should I say? And how will I know it’s him?’

  Archie gave a description of Elvis and how the main way to tell him apart from the others was his lack of a tail tip. ‘And you have to tell him about the display. Can we show him, Joel?’

  Archie peered at Joel, noticing the arm around Dawn’s shoulder. Turning to Shaun he whispered in a not very effective way, ‘Joel is Mummy’s alpha male now. So it’ll all be okay.’

  After that they went on a whistle-stop tour of the display that was still up in the education centre. Archie told them about all the different boards with such enthusiasm, you wouldn’t have known he’d reeled off those facts hundreds of times before.

  ‘Dad’s getting tired now,’ Graham said almost in a whisper to Dawn. ‘I need to get him home for his medications.’

  ‘Of course,’ Dawn said. ‘I’m sorry.’ She felt she had so much to apologise for and no real perception of where to start.

  ‘Don’t apologise,’ Graham said. ‘We Brits do far too much of that in our lifetimes. It’s the happiest I’ve seen my father in a very long time. Those four walls at home have been pinning him in. He needed a reason to come out and see the world. A tad unexpected, but welcome all the same.’

  ‘Do your mum and sister know?’ The friendship Dawn had once had with Caitlin was ruined, and she didn’t expect it would be easy to form any kind of relationship if she was now aware she was Archie’s half-sister.

  ‘Dad wanted to meet Archie before telling them. He’s not sure how they’re going to take it.’

  ‘I imagine not very well.’ It was the secret she’d kept to protect them from the consequences of a family fallout.

  ‘They’ll cope. I mean, I know it’s a shock. It certainly was for me when he told me, but once you get over that, there’s the prospect that, any day now, I might lose my father, and I can’t think of a nicer thing to distract me from my grief than getting to know the little half-brother I never knew I had.’

  A wave of her own grief overtook her as she found tears welling up. She wasn’t even sure what she was upset for as she had no right to grieve. And yet, knowing this day could have come sooner made her sad in a way that was overwhelming. Knowing now wasn’t the time to be upset, she sucked in those feelings, creating a mask that she would only let fall later when she was alone.

  ‘Would it be okay to come again next week if my dad’s up to it?’

  ‘Of course.’ Dawn wondered how likely that would be. ‘Will you message me and let me know? You know, if you can’t.’

  Graham nodded in a way that made Dawn realise it was a stark possibility. How hard it was to finally be brave enough to open a door, only to find it was closing before they’d ever have a chance to fully explore what lay beyond it.

  Chapter 28

  Maureen’s café provided good neutral ground to meet with David. She owed it to her brother to offer a proper explanation.

  The weather was glorious enough to sit outside and appreciate the sun blazing on their skin.

  ‘What’s this about, sis?’

  ‘Aren’t we allowed to hang out any more?’ Dawn missed the days when they would get together just to chat and catch up. She missed doing it for the sake of doing it.

  ‘You and I know we’re both too busy to meet up for coffee whenever we like. You must have arranged for Jane to look after Archie, so what’s up?’ David picked up his coffee and, holding the mug with one hand, his accusing gaze held hers.

  It was hard to know how to explain away a decade of hiding the truth, especially when it now seemed so futile.

  ‘Archie asked who his father was.’

  ‘Oh,’ David said, shock showing on his face. Not the topic of conversation he’d been expecting given it had been off the menu for a decade. ‘And?’

  ‘It’s made me realise I’ve been a bit naïve to think I was protecting people when all along I should have had Archie’s interests at heart.’

  ‘You’ve always had Archie’s best interests at heart.’ David corrected the doubts that were forming in her head.

  ‘I went and spoke to his father and they met this morning.’

  David placed his mug down. ‘Wow. You finally braved it. So do I get to know who he is?’

  Dawn’s drink was going cold on the table and she stared into it like it might hold an answer to the question of how to tell her brother. ‘Do you remember Caitlin from college?’

  David nodded. ‘She’ll always be the one that got away. What about her?’

  ‘I don’t think she knows it yet, but she’s Archie’s half-sister. Shaun, her father, is Archie’s father.’

  Suddenly David sat up, making Dawn jump. ‘If he laid a finger on you, I’m not going to be responsible for my actions.’

  ‘No, it wasn’t like that,’ Dawn said quickly before her brother took flight. ‘He didn’t do anything against my wishes. It was just a one-time thing that shouldn’t have happened. Archie came as a total surprise.’ It was weird talking to her brother about this, knowing how fiercely protect
ive he was of her.

  ‘But still. You were at college. He was old enough to be your father.’

  ‘I know all of that, but there’s no changing what took place in the past.’

  David settled again, no longer looking like someone off to beat Shaun up. ‘So you’re in contact with him? And he knows about Archie?’

  ‘They met this morning at the zoo. Shaun is very ill. He has terminal cancer. There was a chance if they didn’t meet today it would never happen.’ Dawn hoped David would understand why she’d arranged this before telling him.

  ‘Was Archie okay? How did he take it?’

  ‘He was surprisingly okay. I guess because he was in his own environment and able to talk about his beloved meerkats non-stop it didn’t faze him. I’m not entirely sure he comprehended everything, but time will tell.’

  ‘You’ve really had quite a day. Archie met his father.’ David shook his head in disbelief.

  It was an understatement for what had gone on. ‘Yep.’

  ‘And you’re certain I don’t need to beat anyone up?’

  ‘Nope. Unless it’s me for never telling you. I was trying to protect his family without thinking about my own.’ It was beginning to sound like the story of her life, putting others before herself; but she also knew family was the most important thing in the world. So knowing Archie and her were only half of their family, she asked after Rebekah and Harry.

  The rest of the conversation established David and Rebekah had started bereavement counselling, and now they were both talking to each other about how they were feeling, things were on the up. That and Harry’s sleep pattern improving was making life considerably easier for them.

  Dawn was looking forward to their family roast the next day. It had taken a while, but it did feel like they’d re-established themselves as a family unit. And much to Archie’s delight, Dawn had invited Joel. That really would complete the family tree if her son had his way.

  The thought of inviting Shaun had occurred to her, but that would also involve having his family over as well and there was no way she was ready for that level of awkward. They would need alone time at the moment, a chance to explain and the hope that wounds would heal quickly. It was horrid to think Archie’s existence might create rifts in their family so late in Shaun’s life. Hopefully they might all adopt the attitude Graham had and there would be hope for a relationship with Archie. It was highly possible they might become more involved with Archie’s life than her own mother was, but then that wouldn’t be hard. She just had to hope everything worked out for the best.