The Man I Need (The Man I Need #1)

by Loretta Steel

  When later, she lunged for me, I almost thought she was about to strike me, and prepared myself to spring backwards, away from her, but then she kissed me, and I immediately forgave her prior carelessness that resulted in sunburn. In that instant she was mine.

  I was careful not to touch her arms or neck, seeing the rosy glow on her cheeks, knowing the colour would have looked far better on her ample arse. The paperback copy of the erotic novel I;d bought an ex-girlfriend caught my eye. It had been left open on the first page of a chapter titled Mine. I remembered reading that part of the book, lying in bed with my arms draped over the empty pillow, waiting for Charlie to return home. She never did.

  I remembered reading how the powerful dominant, Jason Cross, took his wife in his arms and carried her into the bedroom, dropping her onto the bed and lifting her dress to find that sweet spot between her arse and the tops of her thighs. Resting his hand on her mound and finding her throat where he kissed her passionately. His hand moving up towards her glistening pussy. Opening her up like a flower, before taking her hard and fast as she’d begged him to.

  I snapped my eyes open to see Ezra staring into them.

  Her skin tasted of roses. Her kisses were firm and fast. But I wanted more. I wanted all of her. I wanted to rip away her clothes and see her stripped of all her fakery. Because even then, gazing into her eyes I saw it: fear. And I wanted to undress her of all her worries. Bare her of the walls she used to keep me away. I wanted to see the woman beneath the shiny exterior. The capable, hard-faced, Ezra. Because inside, I knew, there was a radiant goddess waiting to be freed. And I wanted to be the one to release her of the chains she so gladly fixed upon herself the moment she escaped Tyler’s prison.

  EZRA

  Our tousled limbs were caught together beneath the bed sheet. I reached out to remove his heavy arm from mine and he turned over. From that position, I could see the back of his neck. His thick muscular forearms. The small tattoo of a phoenix on his shoulder, only visible now that he was naked. I wondered if he’d had it done to remind him that life was possible after the horrific death of his sister, stabbed by a homicidal maniac. If we were to become an item, would he always be over-protective of me because of her?

  He looked almost vulnerable as his usually tense body lay supple.

  I closed my eyes to relive the moments that came before he fell asleep beside me. His body above mine, hands clasped over my palms, fingers entwined. His thrusts deep and hard. His eyes filled with a fire I had only dreamt of. It wasn’t love making. It was raw, passionate, animalistic sex. His thick throbbing cock aimed in the right place. His movements focused and controlled, until the point of climax when for the briefest of moments he let go and I noticed his eyes darken slightly. I got the impression he disliked the lack of control that came at the end as a low moan escaped my lips, feeling the hard throb of his cock pulsating inside me.

  Afterwards, he slipped the condom off and pulled his boxer shorts back over his firm arse. He looked at me and grinned. I was breathless. The sheets damp beneath me. My skin was slick with sweat. Then he climbed back beside me and rested my head on his arm. He breathed in and shuddered as I pulled the covers from my bare legs and made my way to the door where I’d left my knickers. Dropping them into the wash basket, I ran a shower and beneath the water, drumming down hard on my skin, I imagined it was his fingers. Remembering the moment he’d parted my legs with his knee and entered me I came again beneath the shower, my fingers pressed inside me, circling them until I came.

  He’d done something to me. He’d undone the fear I’d felt of the unknown. I wanted more of him. I wanted him to fuck me again.

  I couldn’t sleep so I crept down the stairs and into the small kitchen diner where I cleared away the plates, wearing nothing but a towel. I spread a cloth over the counter top and mopped the floor until it gleamed. Returning to bed only as my eyelids drooped and my tired limbs began to ache. I hadn’t realised how late it was until I heard the distant hum of birdsong coming from beyond the window. It was almost dawn when I finally sank beneath the sheet beside Blake’s hot body. I rested my head beside his to feel his breath on the back of my neck.

  I awoke a few hours later to a kiss on my cheek, a gentle tug on my ear. I turned my head to see him sat up, resting his upper body weight on one arm. He turned me over and brought my face up to meet his, kissing me. His lips hot and wet. Clamping my wrists down by my sides, he said, ‘if I’d have known I had to fuck you to get you to tidy the house I’d have done it sooner.’

  He didn’t give me time to complain, sinking his teeth into my neck and biting the skin below my ear. I gasped with the sudden shock of pain, mixed with the thrill of being completely unable to break free of his weight above mine. I was tempted to bite him back but stopped when I saw his eyes on mine.

  ‘No,’ he said, his voice serious.

  I surrendered to his touch as he tugged the knickers away from my closed thighs and parted my legs with his knee as he’d done before. This time as he entered me, my pussy already wet, he held my jaw between his thumb and forefinger. Unable to turn away I was forced to look into his eyes. When I closed them he said, ‘stay with me.’ And I did.

  I felt exposed. The thought that he could see the thoughts inside my eyes excited me. I’d never done that before. I came harder and faster, knowing that he was in control, my body responding to his touch. I was unable to control his movements, pinned to the bed by his strong hands, holding mine, his heavy thrusts, the deep throaty moan as he came. This time he didn’t turn away. He didn’t reapply his boxer shorts, but remained above me, kissing me tenderly.

  I felt powerless and so damn sexy at the same time. I couldn’t imagine wanting it any other way.

  BLAKE

  ‘I’m going to fuck you until you scream.’

  I felt her body give way beneath me, spent, as I took her.

  ‘Harder,’ she said, biting down on her lip.

  I increased my speed until she was begging for breath.

  I felt her legs begin to shake as each ripple of pleasure wove its way through her, her gaze glued to mine, her body began to convulse.

  As I held her in my arms I realized I had no intention of letting her go. From that day forward she was mine. I wouldn’t let anything stand between us. Nobody was going to take her from me.

  The way her body responded to my touch, opening up to me, melting with total subjection, gave me a cold sweat. I wanted to cripple her with desire. I wanted to feed her darkest needs. I wanted her complete surrender. I wanted to own her. And I knew from the way her eyes glazed over as I pulled away from her, that she wanted it too.

  EZRA

  The bed was cold. Empty. I glanced around the room for a sign that he was there, that I hadn’t conjured him up from my imagination.

  I must have fallen back to sleep.

  ‘Blake?’ I called.

  Panicking, my voice rose a few decibels as I imagined Tyler had found him and tied him up or stabbed him and thrown his body into the basement. A vivid imagination had always been my downfall. I dressed quickly and opened the bedroom door to be met with the smell of percolated coffee, so strong it stung my nose.

  I found him sat in front of the laptop, sipping coffee from a sparkling clean cup. He seemed amused by my domestic goddess routine the night before. I didn’t want him to get used to it though.

  ‘Here,’ he said, passing me a cup.

  I thanked him and sat down beside him, stroking his arm. His body had returned to its tense factory setting. His movements stiff and pre-decided. He buttered the toast as soon as it popped out of the toaster and set it on a plate in front of me.

  He watched me take a bite, making sure I was eating. He did care. I saw that now. Why had it taken me so long to figure it out?

  I took a sip of coffee and said, ‘I could get used to this.’

  I noticed he wasn’t really listening.

  He mumbled something but I realized the moment we’d shared last night a
nd again, only an hour before had evaporated. The Blake I’d grown used to had returned: closed, sullen and quick tempered.

  I wasn’t going to try to placate him this time. I’d had enough of his bullshit.

  ‘You’ve got what you wanted from me so I’m no use to you now, is that it?’

  ‘Sorry?’

  ‘Cut the crap.’

  ‘Excuse me?’

  ‘You used me.’

  ‘I … used you? I thought you wanted to sleep with me?’

  ‘I did.’

  ‘Then what’s the problem?’

  ‘You’ve gone cold.’

  ‘No, I think you have.’

  ‘Definitely you.’

  ‘I haven’t changed, Ezra, you have.’

  ‘Last night … and this morning …’

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘Now you just sit there like nothing happened.’

  ‘What do you want me to do, follow you around the house like a lost puppy, lick your boots?’

  ‘No, I just … I’m not used to this.’

  ‘You mean the morning after?’

  ‘Don’t be smart with me.’

  ‘Then don’t give me attitude the moment you decide to show your face at the breakfast table.’

  ‘You’re unbelievable.’

  ‘And you’re paranoid. There’s nothing wrong with me. I’m not in control of your emotions so if you feel something accept it and move on. Or if you want to talk to me about it, then do, but don’t blame me for the way you interpret a situation because I don’t have that kind of power.’

  Did I get him wrong? Was he upset, and not acting hostile as I’d predicted?

  I guess I’d never been very good at picking up on other’s feelings. It all stemmed back to Tyler and that basement. For years after my escape, I used to struggle to look anyone in the eye. I was making a fool of myself in front of Blake-again.

  ‘I’m sorry.’

  ‘Actions speak louder than words.’

  ‘Blake, please …’

  ‘I’m hurt that you think I used you when in fact it was you who practically jumped on top of me.’

  ‘Are you calling me a whore?’

  ‘What? You are seriously-?’

  ‘Messed up? Damaged? Is that what you were going to say?’

  ‘No. Actually, I was going to say you’re angry and upset and you need to chill out.’

  ‘I have the right to speak my mind.’

  ‘At the expense of other’s feelings?’

  Sensing a stalemate I did the only thing I knew to work. I turned and ran, towards the bedroom. I heard his footsteps as I slammed the door behind me. Blake ignored my obvious wish to be alone and entered the room, his shoulders drawn. He wasn’t angry. He looked hurt like he’d said. But I didn’t believe him. I stood there and tried to look at the situation as if through a lens. Twisting and turning the dial to see the argument from his perspective but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t.

  ‘You’re afraid to get close to me so you’re reacting the way you’re used to. You let me fuck you then you push me away. Am I right?’

  I looked to the floor, picking out a pattern in the carpet. I couldn’t look him in the eye because he was right. And I hated it when he was right.

  ‘Ezra, you need to understand something. I’m not a one night fuck kind of man. I’m not going to let you walk away. I know there is a soft side to you. I saw that last night. That’s the part of you I want to see more of.’

  ‘I don’t know if-‘

  ‘You’re scared. I can see that. But you think you’re the only one who’s hurt, who’s loved, who’s lost? That’s life my little vixen.’

  It wasn’t so much the words he used to seduce me into his way of thinking, it was his hypnotic tone of voice. He wove the words through the air and I became tangled in them.

  ‘What do you want?’

  ‘I want you. All of you. Warts and all.’

  The uncertainty must have been visible on my face because he continued, ‘I don’t know where I stand with you. One minute you’re in bed with me. The next you’re angry over nothing.’

  ‘I don’t know how else to be!’

  The words left my mouth before I had the chance to process them.

  ‘I’ll teach you.’

  The thought of this older, more experienced man, as broken as I thinking he could fix me both pissed me off and made me want to laugh out loud.

  ‘You can’t handle it.’

  ‘Try me,’ he said.

  My smile faded.

  ‘You’re sassy and full of energy. I love that about you. But you need to learn when to tone it down. That’s all I’m saying.’

  I’d heard it all before. Before he slept with me he tried to offer me his dominant side. He should have known then that I disliked it.

  ‘I might be old-fashioned in my ideals but I won’t commit to you if you don’t feel the same way.’

  And there it was, the truth.

  ‘Commit?’

  ‘You can’t drop me and pick me up whenever you feel like it. I’m not going to take it lying down.’

  An image of his body above mine sent a shiver down my spine. Did he think I’d treat him like a doormat?

  ‘I don’t mean to.’

  ‘Women are emotional. Men are practical. That’s the way the world ticks babe. It can’t be any other way. But we learn from our mistakes. Except …’

  I haven’t.

  ‘I’m not some weak vessel you can push around.’

  ‘When did I say that?’

  But I went on, and on, and on. I didn’t stop for breath, stinging the air between us with insults towards women I thought he believed.

  ‘You think you’re better than us. You think you can treat us like china-fucking-dolls.’

  ‘Ezra,’ he said, looking at me sharply. But I’d stopped listening. I was in the throws of a meltdown. I barely stopped for air. My voice rose higher and higher until he shouted, ‘enough!’

  His stern voice wasn’t reciprocated in his features. ‘Enough.’

  He wasn’t angry. It was a warning. Like the way you stop an errant child from screaming down the supermarket. His penetrating gaze halted me in my tracks.

  ‘Ezra, you need to calm down.’

  ‘You need to take a long hard look in a mirror because you’re the one who started this with your misogynistic, egotistical views and your warped fucking-‘

  ‘Ezra, please, look at me.’

  I did. I couldn’t help it. Even though my head was screaming at me to walk away my eyes were drawn to his. He really was insatiable when his feathers were ruffled.

  ‘You need to show me some respect. I’ve brought you here to look after you and like it or not I intend to do just that.’

  ‘Sod it. You know what you are, don’t you?’ But, I didn’t give him time to answer. ‘A control freak.’

  He shook his head. ‘No, I think you are. I have no intention of controlling you. You’re the one who keeps bringing it up. I’d say you’re so afraid of being under someone’s thumb that you have become the one thing you’re afraid of.’

  I couldn’t answer him. It infuriated me that he could see the things I thought I’d kept so well-hidden. I was scared. I was angry. I was terrified of losing control. I was … I was everything he said.

  I sat on the end of the bed, my legs trembling with nerves. Knowing that Blake seemed to understand me better than myself frightened me more than anything.

  ‘I just want a quiet life. Coming here, I thought that was what you wanted too?’

  ‘You know I do.’

  I don’t know because you don’t talk to me. Our conversations are superficial.’

  ‘We’re talking now aren’t we?’

  A brief pause passed between us. It was time to be honest.

  ‘I don’t like the thought of being kept cooped up in here all day.’

  ‘This isn’t a gilded cage.’

  I raised my eyes to the ceiling. That was e
xactly what it felt like.

  ‘How did we get here?’ I said, breathing in the echo of our sour words.

  ‘What do you want, Ezra?’

  He sat beside me placing his hand on mine and squeezing it for a response.

  ‘Not this.’

  ‘Us?’

  I shook my head. ‘I hate fighting.’

  ‘Then stop fighting me.’

  My eyes skirted the floor searching for a way out of the hole I’d dug for myself.

  ‘Do you want to know what I think?’

  I listened as he said, ‘I think you want someone to take care of you, except you’re too afraid to admit it so you keep pushing me to see how I’ll react. Testing me for a snapping point. My only concern is that you’re too stubborn to accept the consequences.’

  ‘Well, that’s where you’re wrong because the last thing I want is to be a kept woman. It’s too much like … it would make me feel just like … being shut up in that basement with him.’

  And that was where I let my guard drop. My true fears, my true feelings knocked the air from my lungs. I fell limp against his chest, heaving sobs took over me as he held me, stroking the hair from my face, wet with tears.

  I guess that was the moment a light went off in my brain. I couldn’t blame Blake for my wounded heart. It was Tyler who made me become the woman I was. I was overwhelmed with a sadness I’d never allowed myself to feel before. I was relieved too, that I could let go of the broken girl inside me. I nestled my head against Blake’s shoulder, breathing in the smell of his skin, remembering his embrace as we’d made love.

  He sensed that I’d dropped my guard because when he spoke it was almost a whisper.

  ‘Honesty and respect are important to me.’

  I knew the hidden meaning behind his words. I’d seen it in his eyes, the way he shook his head at something I’d said. It didn’t take a genius to work out that he held very traditional views of how a man and woman should behave when in a relationship together. But I wasn’t sure I could handle it. That kind of commitment was too great.