If This Is Our Last Night

by Alexandra Page

  His brows draw together over his eyes. “How long?”

  “Does it really matter?” I ask, avoiding his stare. I don’t have any desire to get into this right now. I have a feeling my answer will make him feel guilty. I have no right to make him regret anything and I don’t want to ruin what we just had.

  He shrugs. “You and the brawny guy haven’t?”

  “No,” I answer quietly, shaking my head then burying it into his chest. His heart’s still pounding.

  “Jenna? How long?”

  Damnit, he isn’t going to let this go. I stay in my hiding place. “Do toys count?”

  “What? No. Toys don’t really count. Are you telling me…”

  I nod my head before he can finish.

  “Jen, please look at me.” He takes me by the chin and turns my face up since I’m dawdling. I open my eyes, but it’s difficult to meet his. “No one? There’s been no one in six years?” he asks, almost too quiet for me to hear.

  I shake my head.

  “It’s okay if you have. You don’t have to lie, I’ll understand.”

  I scowl at him and shove at his chest. “I’m not lying, you asswipe!”

  His eyes widen.

  Shit! He did that on purpose. He knows nothing sparks my ire faster than having my integrity questioned. That’s the quickest way to get to the truth with me.

  The shock leaves his face and his eyes dart away before he lays down, tucking his face in my neck. He takes a deep, unsteady breath then blows it out.

  “Brad, please don’t,” I whisper.

  “I can’t say the same, Jenna.”

  “I don’t care. Well, I do, but I don’t blame you. I understand, okay? It’s not a contest to see who was the most faithful. I fucked up and let you go, you didn’t owe me a damn thing. You still don’t.”

  “But I don’t understand.” He comes out of hiding and looks down at me. “Why?” he whispers, his voice sounding as pained as his eyes look.

  I run my fingers gently over his wrinkled brow, trying to smooth it out. “I don’t know. I just couldn’t bring myself to. Every time I thought about it I got sick to my stomach and my chest would hurt. I tried once, I threw up before he even got my shirt off. That was over four years ago. Toys take care of my needs without making me sick with guilt I guess. There’s only one you anyway. No one else would have come close to making me feel the way you did, the way you still do. My heart has always been yours, no amount of forcing is ever gonna change that.”

  His eyes close and he tucks his face back into my neck. “I’m sorry,” he says, sounding miserable.

  “You don’t have anything to be sorry about. I don’t fault you for it. I just don’t want to know about any of them, okay?”

  He shakes his head, then pulls back to look at me again. “So you couldn’t bring yourself to sleep with anyone, but couldn’t bother to come find me? Call me? Something?”

  I pull him closer and press my lips to his shoulder. “I’m sorry. I wanted to. There hasn’t been a day that’s passed that I haven’t wanted to find you, or call you. You have no idea how many times I picked up the phone and even dialed it, but I always chickened out. The guilt and fear never failed to shove my hopes back down. I’m a coward. I couldn’t have stood you turning me away,” I choke out, rubbing my hands over him in hopes of easing any discomfort my words may bring.

  He rolls over onto his back, pulling his arm out from under my head and draping it over his eyes. I ache to reach out to him, to soothe his hurt, but I gave up that right a long time ago, regardless of the night we’ve had. I could try to defend myself some more, but he deserves better than that, so I stay quiet.

  So does he. For much longer than I expect and his breathing is too irregular, so I know he isn’t sleeping. Then, still hiding under his arm, he takes another deep, shaky breath. “I don’t know if I can do this, Jen.”

  He may as well have thrown a sledge hammer through my chest.

  “I’m not asking you to do anything,” I whisper. “You’ve given me more tonight than I ever hoped for and the last thing I want is to hurt you anymore. I can leave right now if you want me to.”

  His silence is deafening.

  God, we shouldn’t have done this. I can already feel the wall of pain heading towards me. I don’t think I’ll survive losing him a second time. I was an idiot to ever hope.

  I start to scramble off the bed, but he stops me, just like earlier, but this time with his arm around my waist like a steel band. “Don’t.” Pulling me back against his chest, he wraps his other arm across mine, his wet face in my neck.

  “We’re torturing ourselves, Brad. If my being here is too much, you have to let me go. I can’t stand the thought of hurting you again. I can’t. I won’t.” I begin to sob again, holding his arm to me with one hand, my face buried in the other.

  It’s the night I left him all over again. My heart is screaming at me to stay, but my mind says run.

  “Then stay. Stay with me.” He squeezes me tighter. “I didn’t mean…I meant I don’t think I can live without you. Not again. I’m so mad at you I could kill you, but I don’t want a life without you in it. I hated every minute of the last six years. I thought if I moved back…”

  I jerk my head around to look at him. “You’re not here for business?”

  He shakes his head. “I’ve been back two weeks.”

  I push against his hold and he loosens it enough to let me turn around. I wipe my face roughly and look at him. “Two weeks. You’ve been here in Dallas for two weeks?" He nods. "You said moved, does that mean you’re back for good?” My stomach is in knots anticipating his answer.

  “Sort of.”

  “Please explain that.”

  “Raymond wants me to manage the build of his new Atlanta office,” he says, reaching up and brushing some hair off my face.

  “Are you going to? What about Norway? Brad, I’m so confused.” I sniffle, my breath hitching.

  He takes a deep breath and looks me in the eye, taking my hands in his. “I quit my job in Norway two months ago. I’m never going back there.”

  All I can do is stare at him.

  His hands reach up to cup my face, his thumbs rubbing my cheeks, his eyes shining bright. “I came back for you.”

  “Me?”

  “You,” he whispers. “The work was good. I made a lot of money but like I said, I hated it because you weren’t there.”

  He probably wants me to be happy about that, but I just break down in sobs again. “I’m so sorry! I tried to give you what you dreamed of but I ruined that too!”

  He gathers me in his arms, stroking my hair and back. “Ssshhhh. Please don’t cry anymore, I can’t stand it.”

  “I ruined everything!”

  “Maybe not everything,” he says, trying to console me. “We still love each other, that’s something.”

  “You should hate me! I hate me!”

  “Jenna stop, you’re just being dramatic now.” He pushes me back so we’re eye to eye. “I don’t hate you. I’m pissed, but I’ll never hate you again. That didn’t work out so well for me the last time I tried it,” he says softly.

  My teeth catch my trembling lip. He doesn’t want me to cry, but seeing his face twisted with grief makes it difficult to hold back. I hunt for another emotion to hopefully waylay it. He said he’s pissed, so I will be too, although I don’t really have a right to be. I scowl at him. “If you’ve been here two weeks and you came back to see me, why haven’t I seen you? You didn’t even call.”

  He shrugs his shoulders and shakes his head. “I’m a coward too, I guess. I did call, a lot, but I always hung up.”

  I gasp. “That, was you? I thought I had a stalker or something.”

  “Yeah, sorry, but that was me.” He scoots to sit on the edge of the bed, leaning over with his elbows on his knees. He runs his fingers roughly through his hair, making it stick up everywhere, then drops his face into his hands. “I was in the same building as you most days, I even
made it up to your floor.” He turns towards me, wincing through his fingers. “I couldn’t get past the elevator doors.”

  “Oh, sweetie.” Running my hand over his hair to smooth it down, I lean over and kiss his cheek. “I understand,” I whisper, resting my forehead against his temple, breathing him in.

  “What are we gonna do?” he asks, leaning into me.

  “What do you want to do?”

  He sits up and looks at me, his expression half scared, half hopeful. “What I always wanted. Us. I don’t give a shit where we go as long as we’re together.”

  Something shifts inside me, swelling up and making my eyes burn. “After all this time, after everything I did to us, you still want me?”

  “I do. I know I can live without you, I’ve done it, but I don’t want to. Not ever again. Life sucks without you.”

  I tuck myself into his side, hiding in his neck and truly smile for the first time all night. “I know exactly what you mean.”

  “Do you want to stay here?”

  I shake my head. “If you’re going to be in Atlanta then I guess I will be too.”

  He pushes me away, staring with wide eyes, his eyebrows up in his hairline. “You’ll go with me?”

  Seeing the hope tug his mouth into a small smile makes my heart swell and break all at once. I have to bite my lip for a few seconds to keep the tears at bay. “I’ll never leave your side again if you don’t want me to.”

  His hands thread through my hair to hold me still. “I don’t, so you better fucking not.” Then his lips are on mine.

  We’ve said many different things with our kisses tonight, this one is new—a confession of remorse and an urgency to start again, molded into one.

  I feel as if the whole of spring is blooming inside my chest.

  He pulls me towards him and I wind up straddling his lap. Our hands compete to see who can touch more and hold the most, our lips and tongues battling for dominance. He’s hard again moments later, hot and anxious pressing up against me.

  He grasps my head and pushes my mouth away from his, panting. “Fuck! Do you know how damn perfect it is to have you in my arms again?” he asks, pulling me back in and resting his forehead on mine.

  “Yeah,” I whisper, my chest heaving. “Nothing’s ever been better.”

  “I’m never letting you go again, I hope you know that.”

  “You won’t have to. I swear I’m not going anywhere.”

  “I love you, Jen.”

  “I love you too, baby.”

  He smiles, then stands up, taking me with him like a toddler wrapped around their parent.

  I kiss up the side of his delicious neck. “Where are we going?”

  “Shower.”

  “We’re just gonna get dirty again,” I whisper, sucking on his earlobe.

  “You’re sore, we’ll wait. I don’t want to hurt you.” He places me down on the cold bathroom counter and kisses my forehead before turning around and starting the shower.

  God, he’s beautiful.

  He turns back around and helps me down. I give him a serious pouty face. He laughs and I pout some more just so I can hear him do it again.

  He rushes us through our shower, making my pouts much more genuine. It’s probably better though since seeing him naked, wet, and soapy is making me light-headed. He helps me out, dries me off, then wraps me in a towel. Another goes around his waist then he leans down to give me a quick kiss. “Dry your hair some, I’ll be back.”

  What’s he up to?

  Damn, that man is sex on two legs. Did you see him in that towel? Holy shit!

  I saw him wet and naked. He’s mine, go get your own.

  Told ya.

  Yes. You told me. Thank goodness you’re always right.

  You’re welcome. I’m so happy for you.

  I’m happy for both of us, now stop before you make me cry again. He hates it, remember?

  Sorry. I guess I’ll see you later. Don’t have too much fun without me.

  Oh, I most certainly will.

  I pick up his brush and run it through my wet strands, smiling to myself. I lean back to look out the bathroom door to see if I can catch what he’s doing, but I can’t, so I get busy drying my hair. When I flip my hair back up he’s leaning against the doorway dressed in plaid flannel sleep pants and a black sweater. It’s clinging to every dip and bulge on his muscular torso. My hands itch to rub all over it.

  “Hey.”

  “Hi. Got it dry? I don’t want you catching a cold.”

  “Are we going somewhere? You’re kinda in your pj’s.”

  “Just out on the balcony,” he says, holding his hand out to me.

  I take it and let him lead me to the bed. There’s another pair of sleep pants and a gorgeous pale aqua sweater lying on top of it. He pulls me close and kisses me until my toes curl as he unties my robe. “We’re almost outta time. Hurry.”

  “Time for what?” I ask, dropping the robe and grabbing the sweater. It smells heavenly, just like him. He’s gonna wear this tomorrow if I have any say so.

  He’s grinning and pointing at the nightstand when I pull the sweater away from my face.

  Oh! It’s almost midnight. New Years! I completely forgot.

  I throw on the clothes, tightening the drawstring around the pants, and grab his hand, smiling up at him. “Let’s go.”

  “You look gorgeous in my clothes. You always did.”

  “Thank you. I love this sweater, I want to see it on you though.”

  He smirks at me and leads me out onto the balcony, then sits down in one of the patio chairs, pulling me onto his lap. The lights and music from the club are drifting up to us from below. They must have all the doors open to the terrace and the party is spilling out of them.

  “We could go back down there if you want?”

  “No way.” I turn so I’m sitting sideways and can see him better. Smiling at him, I reach up and run my fingers through his hair and across his jaw. “I’m right where I want to be.”

  “Me too.” He smiles back, then wraps one of his big hands around my neck and pulls me in for a kiss.

  We don’t stop when the crowd below begins their excited countdown, or even when the fireworks boom and crackle over our heads. By the time we come up for air, the party has moved back into the warmth and the sky is filled with trails of smoke drifting across its starry blanket.

  I didn’t miss a thing. The gorgeous man smiling at me is all I ever want to see again.

  I can’t leave without saying thank you to some very special people who made this book, and those still to come, possible.

  Barb, you are everything I wish I could be. Without you and your constant belief in me I never would’ve taken this amazing journey. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I love you.

  Rach, there aren't enough words to tell you what you mean to me. You’re the sister I always wanted and my best friend. I love you dearly and it means the world to me that you agreed to help me tackle this mountain. Big hugs to my favorite editor!

  Jo, my saving grace. I would still be floundering like a fish out of water without you! Thank you for your wealth of knowledge and endless patience!

  To my hubby and kiddos, I love you with all my heart and soul. Thank you for putting up with all my craziness.

  And last but not least, to all my fanfic, tumblr, and instagram girls. Love you all to pieces!!

  As a special thank you for reading, here’s a sneak peek of my new novel, Save Me. Coming soon to Amazon.

  –Alexandra Page

  Save Me

  Magnolia Series Book 1

  Ellie

  Savannah’s a hell of a lot bigger than I thought it’d be. And if I’d known there’d be this many people I would’ve stayed right where I was.

  Just breathe, Ellie. Breathe and count. It’s just traffic and people. They don’t know you and you don’t know them. There’s no need to turn around and go back. We gotta get groceries remember? And coffee, I need coffee. I want Starbu
cks too. One of those caramel frappuccinos I had in Jackson. It was one of the best things I’ve ever tasted. Maybe it’ll soothe my nerves a bit so I can actually make it inside somewhere. Now I just need to find it. That might be tough since I’ve managed to get myself downtown.

  After fifteen more minutes of driving, hunting, and sweating, I find the elusive mermaid—I’ll count that as my miracle for the day. The drive-thru, however, is packed. That’s more like another curse to add to my list of curses. Do I risk going inside? Inside means people. I don’t do well with people. Ugh, I just need to get my shit together and act like a normal person for once!

  Gathering my courage, I circle the block one more time then pull into the parking lot. I’m going inside even if it kills me. Maybe it will if I’m lucky. I take a few deep breaths for good measure and get out of the car. Once inside I see it’s not very crowded at all. Thank God. There’s only five other customers and two employees that I can see. I get in line and just try to stay relaxed. It’s quiet in here and smells heavenly, so that helps. The bell over the door rings behind me, but I keep my eyes ahead and wait my turn. The two guys in front of me seem to be ordering for their whole office from the sound of it. They’ve been up there forever and they’re still giving more orders.

  Whoever’s behind me let’s out a weary groan. “And I thought it was a good idea to come inside,” a deep, velvet voice says.

  I decide to be brave—normal people speak when they’re spoken to after all—and turn around to give him a smile of agreement. All I see is a muscular chest covered by a snug white dress shirt. My eyes trail up to his face and meet the most beautiful set of blue eyes I have ever seen. They’re twinkling as they smile down at me.

  “Guess we should have went through the drive-thru, huh?” he says with a lopsided grin.

  Good Lord Almighty, I had no idea a real man could be so gorgeous. It should be illegal for somebody to be so pretty, especially a man.

  He has short, dark blonde hair that has lots of natural highlight and a perfect golden tan. His eyebrows and cheekbones frame those beautiful blues perfectly and his lips look so soft compared to the scruff that’s surrounding them.