If You're Gone

by Brittany Goodwin

  “Such a rebel you’re turning into, Lil,” Mandy joked. “If only Brad could see you now.”

  My face dropped. If only Brad could see me now...

  “Oh, I’m sorry, Lillian. I didn’t mean it like that,” she insisted. “I just meant…”

  “No, it’s okay.” I let the words from Chris’ book comfort me. “You’re right. Brad wouldn’t know what to do with me!”

  Everyone laughed, and it felt good. The pain won’t go away, but sometimes you have to push it to the back. Surprisingly, with my friends by my side, it wasn’t as hard as I thought.

  ****

  After finishing up the bottle of champagne and half a bag of cheese puffs that I produced from my duffle, we settled down and watched the ripples in the lake as the moonlight jumped from one to the other.

  “Thanks for doing this with me tonight,” I told everyone. “It means a lot.” I looked around at their faces, they were all nodding and smiling. “I guess I really just wanted to tell you all how much it meant to me the way you instantly accepted Brad into our group of friends. I’ll admit, I was afraid you would think I was crazy and freak out the first day I invited him to have lunch with us, but you didn’t. You all welcomed him to our table and in no time, it was like he had always been a part of our little group. Like he belonged.”

  I smiled with tears in my eyes, thinking back to that December day when I nervously led Brad across the crowded cafeteria and introduced him to my friends. They knew who he was-the quiet, mysterious troublemaker who hung out with Lizard and Jones, but they still smiled and offered him a seat. Within minutes, he was joking with Thomas about the basketball game from the previous weekend and I breathed a sigh of relief.

  “And I’m sorry if I acted like none of you understood how I was feeling once Brad went missing,” I continued. “I guess it was just easier to throw myself a pity party and act like I was going through this all alone. But this… Brad, I mean, has affected all of us. I’m ready to stop mourning him and start celebrating him. Wherever he is.”

  “I must admit,” Anna said. “The day you called me and told me you kissed Brad Lee, I did think you were crazy!”

  Tess nudged my arm as everyone laughed.

  “But then I met him,” Anna continued. “I mean, really met him, not just saw him in the halls, and it was obvious what you saw in him. Brad… he’s cool. Not like in the way that we all think we are.” I let out a giggle. “But in a genuine ‘cool’ way. And he’s sexy, no offense to you, Thomas.”

  “None taken.”

  “Knowing his reputation around school, I wasn’t sure if it would last. But then he gave you this…” She reached for Brad’s ring. “What was it, less than a month after you started dating?”

  “Three weeks,” I grinned.

  “Three weeks!” she repeated. “There was no denying he was crazy about you. Anyway, there’s something special about Brad. He’s genuine, and fun, and always knows how to make people laugh…” Anna suddenly choked up and I watched as her eyes welled up with tears. “I am proud to be his friend.”

  “Me too,” Mandy said with a nod, and Tess agreed.

  “The first time I met Brad, he completely intimidated me. I won’t lie.” Thomas threw his hands into the air. “I mean, we all heard stories about his shenanigans with Lizard and Jones. I had no idea what he was capable of. And I think at one point he may have been in that group that broke into my house and stole food out of our refrigerator while my family was on vacation…”

  “Yeah, that was confirmed,” I said with a laugh.

  Thomas nodded and a smile grew on his face. “I knew it! Anyway, despite everything I had heard about the guy, I realized within seconds of talking to him that I wanted to be his friend. He kind of oozed with a certain bro-charm, but you ladies wouldn’t understand what I mean by that…”

  We all laughed for a moment as we fought back tears.

  “Wherever Brad is now, I just hope he knows how much we all care about him,” Anna whispered.

  “I'm sure he does.” I nodded. “He would have loved to be here with us tonight.”

  We all lay on our backs, stretched across the blanket, and stared up at the stars for what felt like hours. Being there with my friends made me feel a little more whole than I had since Brad disappeared. Maybe it really is possible for me to put myself back together. Thomas drove us home once it got late, and I spent the night at Anna’s house with the rest of the girls. We stayed up till two in the morning, watching chick flicks and giving each other manicures just like we had many times before. There were moments when it seemed like nothing had changed and I savored them. I finally felt like someone had pushed the play button on my life again.

  ****

  I walked home from Anna’s the next morning with a plan for what I would do next. My family had already left for church without me but that was okay. I needed the time to myself. There under my bed was the wooden box from Brad-the tiny coffin that contained the remaining shards of our relationship. I wanted to give it a proper burial, and I had the perfect spot.

  After a long search for a hand shovel in our shed, I found the right tool and made my way into the front yard with the box. The tree outside my window appeared thicker than ever, and I wiggled in-between its branches and the side of the house. In the dark opening, I knelt down in the dirt and struck the pointed tip of the shovel into the cool ground. It barely pierced the soil, but I continued to dig until a brick-sized hole formed beneath me.

  I had almost dug deep enough into the earth when I noticed something out of the corner of my eye. Near the trunk of the tree lay something light in color, covered in dirt and pine needles. I tossed the shovel aside and crawled on my knees towards it. It was a small piece of paper sticking out of the ground, with a piece of tape attached to the top of it. I touched it gingerly with two fingers and carefully retrieved it. Once in my hand, I dusted away the dirt with my fingertips, blinking ferociously in the dim light as I tried to read what it said. There was writing on it that had become wet and faded and was nearly impossible to make out. But as I read the last line of the note my heart stopped.

  I love you, Brad

  I scrambled frantically from behind the tree and held the paper up to the light. There were several lines of writing above his signature but the ink was smudged. The only other sentence I could read was at the end of the letter. It simply said, I’m sorry.

  Clutching the note in my hand, I sprinted through the yard and towards the street, desperate to get back to Anna’s house. As I ran my mind raced. This note is from Brad from the night he disappeared. The smudge on the window… The window. I trembled thinking of my window and how I had lied to the police about where I had last seen Brad. If I had just told Detective Padron the truth, we may have found this months ago.

  “Anna!” I tore into the Redmond’s back yard and found Anna right where she had been heading when I left, sunbathing on the back deck.

  “What, do you miss me already?” she said with a laugh as she flipped over onto her back.

  “Look at this!” I raced towards her with the note and shoved it into her face. “It’s from him!”

  She snatched it from me and brought it close to her eyes. “From who?”

  “From Brad! Can you read it?”

  She held it at different angles, squinting in an attempt to make out the faded words.

  “I don’t get it. What am I looking at here?”

  “It’s from Brad. From the night he disappeared. It has been under my window this whole time! It looks like he taped it to the glass but it must have fallen…”

  “But, Lillian,” she said, handing the note back. “What makes you think it’s from that night?”

  I held the paper towards her again and pointed. “Because, look. It says ‘I love you’.”

  She looked up at me with wide eyes.

  “It’s from that night,” I said again. “I’m sure.”

  Anna sat up taller. “So what do we do? Don’t we need t
o take it to the police? Maybe they can read what it says.”

  “No.” I shook my head. “They won’t do anything. It will end up in a drawer somewhere.”

  “Lil, I'm just not sure what else you can do with it if you can’t tell what it says.” Anna shrugged her shoulders.

  “I can’t read it,” I told her. “But I know someone who can.”

  “Really?” she asked excitedly. “Who?”

  “I don’t have time to explain. But... I... need your car.”

  Anna’s jaw dropped as a smile grew on her face. “Wait… what is this? Is this a trick?”

  “What?”

  “Lillian… if you want to borrow my car just ask! You don’t have to show up here with some note and claim it’s from Brad...”

  “No! Anna, I’m serious. Please. Please. I will never ask you for anything, ever again,” I begged.

  “Yes, you will.”

  “Okay... okay I probably will. But I’m begging you.”

  Anna stood up and placed her hands on her hips. “ Good grief, Lillian. You know I’m going to say yes! Just had to make you sweat a little.” She headed towards the back door. “Now hold on, I’ll get you the keys.”

  “Thank you!” I shouted as she disappeared into the living room. “Thank you, thank you, thank you.”

  “Do you want me to come with you?” she asked when she returned, bedazzled key ring in hand.

  “Thanks,” I said. “But no. I should do this alone.”

  “Okay, well just be careful,” Anna told me. “And I don’t just mean with my car.”

  “I will,” I promised as I threw my arms around her neck. “Thanks.”

  Once I had the keys in hand I took off running towards her car. The only other thing I needed before I could start my trip was waiting for me inside the drawer of my bedside table.

  15. Remember Me This Way

  I tore down the highway heading north in Anna’s blue compact, the noon sun’s rays were blinding as they penetrated the windshield. According to the GPS, my destination was just over three hours away, but I was determined to make it in two and a half. On the passenger seat beside me sat the note from under the tree, tucked safely inside Chris’ book. The navigation was programmed to the address written in the front cover of the paperback, and I could only pray that I would find him at home. Chris could read the note just as he had read the waitress’s scribbles that day in the diner. I knew he was my only chance to learn what the paper said and possibly put an end to the mystery of what happened to Brad. And, in the back of my mind, I knew it might be the only way I would see Chris again. Even if only to say a proper goodbye.

  I traveled for over one hundred miles, bringing me almost to the Virginia state line, until the GPS prompted me to exit onto a two-lane highway that seemed headed to nowhere. The occasional aluminum mailboxes were overgrown with vines and tall weeds and the sight of a lonely, burnt out gas station gave me the chills.

  I didn’t tell Anna where I am going. I didn’t tell my parents where I am going… I didn’t tell anyone where am I going. I’m driving to an unknown address in the middle of nowhere in search of a guy none of my friends have even met. Am I making a huge mistake?

  My thoughts wandered and I dreamed up a small, pink handgun in Anna’s glove box, which made me laugh. Anna had been terrified to hold Graham’s BB gun when he set up old soda cans for target practice in our back yard. There were undoubtedly no weapons in Anna’s car, with perhaps the exception of a metal nail file that had become lodged between the seats. I grabbed my cell phone from the seat beside me and glanced at the LED screen. Like a cliché in every bad horror movie Brad and I had watched together, there was no service. Even if I wanted to tell someone where I was going, I couldn’t. I was in this alone.

  “Turn left in three-quarters of a mile.” The robotic woman’s voice from the GPS made me jump and I nearly slammed my foot on the brake.

  “Get a grip,” I whispered aloud.

  I gradually slowed the car, craning my neck to get a better look at the turn. I was being directed towards a narrow road surrounded by trees on each side. There was not another car or living soul in sight.

  “Turn left,” the GPS reminded me.

  The car crept along at twenty miles an hour as I turned the wheel and continued onto the road, hitting bumps and potholes on the uncared-for pavement. With a glance to the navigation screen, I saw my destination was approaching on the right in half a mile. This is it. To my left was an unkempt plot of mobile homes, assumedly abandoned, but it was impossible to sure. My heart was pounding as I struggled to read the numbers on the few mailboxes I passed. What will Chris say when he sees me? Has he even realized he gave me his address when he gave me the book? Or did he give me the book so I would be able to find him?

  “Your destination is on the right.”

  I pressed the brake until the car was at a slow crawl and brought it to a stop. Between rows of trees was a gravel driveway, overgrown with thick weeds that sprouted up the middle. There weren’t any signs forbidding my entry, so I took a deep breath and turned onto the rocky drive. In the distance, behind a grown up yard and tall shade trees, sat a little white house with a wooden porch. Potted plants and faded lawn ornaments were scattered on and around the railings.

  As soon as I made it to the clearing I pulled to the side of the driveway and put Anna’s car in park. I sat there for a moment, scanning the area, before turning off the engine. A rusted-out Cadillac was parked in the grass beside the house but I wasn’t sure if it belonged to Chris. Thinking back to the times I had seen him around town, I realized I had never seen him in a car-he had always been on foot. I reached to the seat next to me for the book containing the note and opened the front cover to reveal the address.

  Chris Colvin

  108611 Liberty Road

  Gladeville, North Carolina

  I glanced up at the faded house numbers that hung on the doorframe. The navigation system had led me to the right place. I turned off the engine and slipped the keys into my front pocket. It was time. I opened the drivers’ side door and closed it gently behind me, not allowing it to latch. The yard was eerily quiet, apart from the chime of a metal wind ornament that was tied to the gutter on the edge of the porch.

  I walked lightly on the gravel as I headed towards the house, cringing at each crunch my tennis shoes made against the rocks. I shouldn’t be here. It doesn’t feel right. I stopped for a moment, staring at the front door and searching for any sign of movement inside the house. But if I leave now I’ll be no closer to having answers. If I leave now I may never see Brad, or Chris, again…

  I moved quickly towards the house and heard a loud creak under my feet as I stepped onto the rickety wooden porch. A weathered rocking chair sat beside the door with a blue, crocheted afghan strewn over the arm. I clenched anxious fists before raising my right hand to knock. I knocked three times, each one gradually louder, and took a step back. Silence. I had just begun to lift my fist again when a noise came from behind the house, like the clanking of metal. A chill ran up my spine.

  Stepping slowly and quietly off the porch, I took strides around the stained, white vinyl siding walls until I had a clear view of the backyard. There in the overgrown garden was a guy in a baseball cap and dirty t-shirt, bent over as he tilled the soil. I couldn’t see his face, but his broad shoulders were familiar.

  “Chris?” I called out across the lawn.

  He continued to work at the ground, his body moving back and forth. I took a few steps closer and spoke his name again, louder this time. “Chris?”

  As I moved towards him I noticed a thin white cord running down his back. He was wearing headphones. His head was down and he didn’t see me as I approached. I stretched my hand slowly towards his body, trying not to scare him, and let my fingertips graze his shoulder as I stepped closer.

  “Chris?” I said with a smile.

  He flinched, dropping the shovel to the ground and yanking the earbuds from his ears as
he quickly straightened up. The brim of the baseball cap shaded his eyes and nose and I squinted in the sun trying to make out his facial features. As he pulled the cap from his head and lifted his chin, his eyes locked with mine. Suddenly the breath I had been attempting to catch the entire drive was sucked from my body.

  “Lillian?”

  I felt dizzy, my knees were weak, and I blinked rapidly as I stood there frozen, staring into his eyes. Don’t do this again. Don’t imagine it’s him.

  “Lillian? It’s okay, it’s me.”

  “I…” My mouth hung open and my jaw started to tremble. I reached a cautious hand towards him and let my fingertips brush his unshaven cheek as I searched his face. “Brad?”

  Suddenly he threw his arms around me and pulled me into his chest. I couldn’t move. My limbs hung at my sides as he squeezed, my face pressing into biceps. I tried to shake my head and tell myself to snap out of it, that I must be daydreaming again or losing my mind, but as he held me it felt familiar. My thoughts raced back to the night of graduation and the smell of his skin as he had lain with me under the stars. I wasn’t dreaming. It was him. I have found him.

  “Brad,” I whispered, still clutching Chris' book in my left hand. He continued to squeeze me in a tight embrace, but something didn’t seem right.

  I had often dreamed up scenarios in which Brad was found, suffering from amnesia and lying in a hospital bed, or being rescued from captivity in an abandoned building, but this was neither of those. He knew who I was and he wasn’t wearing shackles. This backyard reunion was a far cry from a search and rescue mission.

  I pushed away from him, escaping his grasp so I could take a step back. I could feel my cheeks growing hot as I stared into his eyes. “Brad, what is going on?”

  “Lillian, I’ve missed you so much. How did you find me?” His voice was trembling as he reached out to touch my face, but I turned away.

  “I… I don’t understand,” I whispered. “What are you doing here?”