I handed her the keys to her car and decided to walk the rest of the way home, insisting I needed the air. As I took in the crisp, fall breeze, marveling at the leaves that had turned bright shades of orange and red, I rehearsed the speech I would give my parents. It was for the best. He did it for his family. I made the right decision to leave him there. I’m not going to regret walking away from the love of my life. It was easy to leave him there… I started to wonder who I was actually trying to convince-my family or myself. Will I regret walking away from him? Or could I ever have continued a relationship with him after everything he put me through?
Once I neared my yard I looked down the road and noticed a familiar car in my driveway. It was the same brown, rusty Cadillac I had seen parked at the house in Gladeville. Brad. He came back for me. Oddly enough, the car was parked in the exact spot where I remembered seeing Detective Padron’s squad car on the first night after Brad disappeared. I ran across the grass and the driver’s side door opened as I approached.
“Lillian,” Chris said as he gently closed the car door behind him. “Hi.”
“Hi.” I stopped a few feet away from him. “What are you doing here?”
“I owe you an explanation.”
“No.” I shook my head. “You don’t owe me anything.”
“I wanted to tell you the truth. I even tried… I just didn’t know how to say it. And, honestly, I didn’t think I could stand to see your face when you found out the truth.” He took a few steps towards me, fidgeting with the sleeves of his gray hoodie. “I couldn’t be the one to hurt you like that.”
“I understand.”
“I really did understand what you were going through,” he said. “When we were kids and Mom couldn't take care of us, she sent me to live with my uncle. But he didn't have room for Brad, and before I knew it Mom had given him up and he was gone. I spent the last eight years wondering what happened to my brother, never knowing if he was safe or even alive. I hadn’t seen him until the night Uncle Jack showed up with him at our house...”
“The night of graduation.”
He nodded. “Mom got out of jail three years ago and decided she was ready to be sober. We've been looking for him ever since.”
“But how did you know about me?” I asked.
“Are you kidding?” He smiled. “Brad couldn’t stop talking about you, telling Mom all about how incredible you were and how you were the best thing that had ever happened to him. I felt like I had to meet you. Based on his description of you, I couldn’t figure out how he was able to leave you behind.”
I dropped my head and my eyes explored the tiny cracks in the pavement. “So, once you met me, did you figure it out?” I asked softly.
“No. I still can’t figure it out.” He stared off across the yard for a moment before looking back at me. “Look, Lil, I know what I said about Brad that day at the lake. About how you didn’t deserve what he was doing to you…”
I shook my head. “Chris…”
“And I still think that’s true,” he continued. “You don’t deserve that. But, I saw how he looked after you left today. I hope you realize how much he cares about you, even if he hasn’t done a good job of showing it. Everything that has gone on with our mom put him in a really tough spot. He didn’t mean for things to happen the way they did.”
“I know.”
“And… I didn’t either.”
I turned up one corner of my mouth. “I don’t blame you for anything, Chris. Really. Honestly, I probably wouldn’t have believed you if you had told me the truth. And anyway, I should thank you.”
“Thank me? For what?”
“The book.”
Chris dropped his head and nodded. “Right. The book.”
“See, really, you did tell me about Brad. In one way or another. It just took me awhile to realize it.” I cocked my head to look into his tired eyes. They were partially hidden behind strands of his hair as Brad’s often were. “Does he know you are here?”
“No way,” he said. “He probably thinks I took off to avoid him kicking my ass once he found out I had been sneaking down here to see you. Which is the other reason that I left.” He smirked and I couldn’t help but let out a chuckle.
“Are you going to be okay?” I asked after a moment.
“Yeah, of course. Don’t worry about me.” He took another step towards me. “Are you going to be okay?”
“Yes.” I cracked a small grin. “After I re-define the meaning of ‘okay’.”
We exchanged goodbyes and shared a long hug before I watched him back the old car slowly towards the street. My parents were standing in the living room window watching as I waved to him. They had a lot of questions. I only had a few answers.
“Things are going to be different around here, I promise,” I whispered as I hugged my dad and then my mom.
After chatting briefly with Lizard, I turned off my cell phone to silence the constant alerts as I received endless texts and phone calls asking about Brad. I wasn’t sure how the word had gotten out, but I suspected Montana and Anna both had a hand in spreading the news. Mom baked my favorite homemade macaroni and cheese for dinner that night and I gorged on the creamy, custard-colored noodles until the button on my jeans was ready to pop. Graham and Eliza insisted I join them in a game after dinner, and I laughed with them as we sat on the floor around the coffee table.
I was desperately trying to feel ‘normal’, yet I felt like I was having an out-of-body experience, watching myself joking and smiling even though I wasn’t actually experiencing the emotions. Despite the colorful, fast-moving card game, my mind kept racing back to the image of Brad and his mom on the porch. I lost for the second time, then hugged each member of my family and retreated to my room. I needed to be alone with my thoughts.
Behind my closed bedroom door, I sat on my bed with my legs dangling off the edge, letting my toes brush back and forth against the plush strands of the rug. I stared blankly at the photos taped around the vanity mirror as my eyes went in and out of focus. Brad was there, smiling back at me, as always, but his smile looked different than I had remembered. I could see now that even in the pictures with me there was a touch of sadness in his eyes. Maybe now he will find what he has been looking for.
Below the collage of photos, a handful of college pamphlets were stacked neatly where my mom had left them in May. Maybe I am finally ready to get away from here. Maybe I can go to college and find what I have been looking for. Maybe I can learn how to help kids like Brad, and Chris. Maybe the past five months haven’t been completely in vain. Just maybe.
I collapsed backward onto my bed, legs still hanging off the edge, and realized there was one thing I hadn’t done since finding Brad. I hadn’t prayed. But this time, I didn’t want to pray a whiny prayer, begging for this and that and questioning why things were happening to me. I wanted to express my thankfulness. As hard as it was to grasp, I was still thankful that I knew the truth. I squinted my eyes shut, biting my lower lip as I attempted to silently form a sentence, but the words didn’t come. I wasn’t sure how to pray it. Not yet.
Pulling open the small drawer in the top of my nightstand, I rummaged through old birthday cards and tubes of lip balm until I found the small, blank journal I had received as a gift from my aunt on my sixteenth birthday and a purple gel pen. If I can’t think of the words, maybe I can write them. I sat up and rested the small of my back against my pillow before bringing my knees towards me and placing the open book against them. I pressed the tip of the pen to the paper and began to write.
Dear Brad,
It was far from a prayer, but suddenly words were rushing through my hand and appearing in the ink on the page.
I thought your disappearance had broken me. But now I realize that you were broken long before I was. While I saw you as my rock, you were the one who was crumbling beneath me. It hurts me that I didn’t see it. But I think what hurts me more than anything is that you didn’t want me to know the truth about your pas
t. There is nothing you could have told me about yourself that would have made me love you less. Knowing the truth would have only made me love the person you have become even more. I naïvely thought that who we were before we were together didn’t matter, but I was wrong. I lost part of myself while I was looking for you, and now I have to re-discover who I was before you, to figure out who I am without you.
I dropped the pen into the crease between the pages and started to close the book but something stopped me. There was one thing left to say.
I’ll always remember you, and I’ll always love you. Even if you’re gone.
Acknowledgments
There are so many people to acknowledge, but first and foremost I must thank God for the many blessings in my life. I strive to use my gifts for His glory.
If You’re Gone grew out of a novella I wrote in eighth grade and I am so grateful to my parents for always supporting my creative endeavors and making me feel like I could accomplish anything. Fast-forward a decade to when I met my incredible husband, John, who has encouraged me and gone along with every project I’ve ever dreamed up. Thank you, John, for believing in me even when I didn’t believe in myself.
I’m just going to continue with the Thank You’s because there aren’t many more words I can come up with at the moment that express my gratefulness! Thank you to Stephanie for reading that dreadful first draft and providing some much needed harsh feedback while giving me insight into the world of publishing. And to Morgan, for your suggestions and support. You have been a ray of sunshine in my inbox despite the fact that we have never met. To Justin, one of the most talented people I have ever met who always makes time to answer my call, I am so grateful for your friendship and encouragement.
I must also acknowledge two selfless women who keep up invaluable websites devoted to the missing. Jerrie Dean, founder of Missing Persons of America, and Meaghan Good, founder of The Charley Project-thank you for your hard work and dedication to your cause. Your efforts don’t go unnoticed.
And I can’t say enough about the group who brought my characters to life in the If You’re Gone trailer. Tara, Adam, Valkyrie, Elise, John, Shayna, James and Wade, thank you for offering your talents to the project. And to Emory and the fabulous group of extras who braved the wind and cold, it wouldn’t have been the same without you!
I’d have a whole separate book if I named everyone who has inspired and supported me over the years, so I will express a wide-spread thanks to all of my family, friends and fans who pre-ordered, pre-read, shared, encouraged, praised, and constructively critiqued. I have been blessed with an incredible support network for which I am extremely thankful.
About the Author
Brittany Goodwin is an author, performer, screenwriter and director, best known for the internationally distributed faith-based feature films, Secrets in the Snow and Secrets in the Fall, which have both been awarded the highest honor of five Doves from the Dove Foundation.
Brittany lives outside Nashville, TN with her husband and every growing number of rescue pets. She enjoys traveling with her hubby and dogs, DIY projects, quoting John Hughes films, playing (and winning!) movie trivia games, and binge-watching Investigation Discovery Channel. A self-proclaimed armchair detective, Brittany is an active member of many Missing Persons blogs and Facebook pages, which inspired the topic of her debut novel, If You're Gone.
www.brittanygoodwin.squarespace.com
Twitter: @thewritebritt
P.S. In filmmaking there are always deleted scenes, and although it is a novel, If You’re Gone has a deleted “scene” of it’s own! Curious what Lillian is up to eight years later? Does she ever reconnect with Brad? You can read the epilogue that didn’t quite make the “final cut” exclusively on my website!
www.brittanygoodwin.squarespace.com/ifyouregone
Thanks for reading!
Much love,
Brittany
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