Just an Illusion - EP

by D. Kelly

  “Thanks, Mel. I needed this today most of all,” he whispers as he blinks back the tears. Suddenly, he’s pouring everyone a round of shots and lifts his glass. “To Noah. Happy birthday, big brother, wherever you are.”

  The doorbell rings and Wyatt lets Warren inside.

  “Tattoos all around but no one called the gay guy. I see how you all are.” His eyes twinkle mischievously as he pulls Sawyer in for a birthday hug.

  “Sorry, Warren, I’ve just had a one-track mind lately and thought it would just be like a brother thing. But then we included Mel, and when Mac and Ryan came and gave me shit I realized I was wrong not asking you all. We’ve all been like brothers these past ten years or so. My bad.”

  Warren picks up the photo and looks at it fondly. “You know I’m just giving you hell. But I’ve definitely got room for a new tattoo. Looks like we’ll be keeping you busy a bit longer, Ben.”

  “I came prepared. I know how you guys get once I open my case.”

  “Should we call Veronica?” I ask Darren. She took both kids for the night, but it’s the first time either of them have spent the night away from us.

  “I already did. She says they’re fine and we should enjoy ourselves. She’ll let us know if something changes.”

  “In other words, ‘Don’t call me again. I raised Belle and Amelia and I know what I’m doing.’”

  He laughs. “That’s pretty much the vibe I got.”

  “It feels strange not having them here. I feel like I should be doing something.”

  “It does, and we should be doing something. Enjoying ourselves for once,” he says as he puts an arm around my waist.

  “Do you ever feel like they’re going to walk in the door any minute?”

  “All the time. They were both so full of life it’s like that happy energy still lingers. Do you ever think about moving?” he asks in a low tone so no one else can hear.

  With a nod, I reply, “More often than I’d like to admit. It’s hard living where we have so many memories, but I can’t imagine living without them, either.”

  “Same here.”

  “Don’t you two look cozy. Want to share what you’re whispering about?” Sawyer asks as he saunters up to us. He’s buzzed; it’s nice seeing him seem like his normal self.

  “Just missing our babies,” I reply, not wanting him to know the whole truth.

  “When did we get old? I fucking miss them, too. Remember when birthdays were for partying hard?”

  “Some birthdays were spent partying too hard,” Wyatt answers, and Darren nods his agreement.

  “Well, speaking of partying hard, are we still throwing a big bash for Cadence?” Sawyer asks, changing the topic.

  Darren shrugs, but I nod enthusiastically. “Yes. All the family, two cakes, lots of pizza, and goodie bags for Saylor and Emme. The perfect party for a one-year-old.”

  “Two cakes?” Darren questions.

  “Oh yeah. Belle was big on babies having their faces smashed into a cake. So one for Cadence and one for the rest of us.”

  “That seems like such a Belle thing to be into,” Darren says, rolling his eyes.

  “Belle used to send me video links whenever she saw a really good one. I don’t know why she thought it was so funny. I always thought it was mean, but I know Belle would do it if she were here, so Cadence is going to partake. I’m sure Veronica will do it for us. I don’t have the heart.”

  “Nate won’t get the same treatment?” Sawyer asks.

  “Nope. He can have his own and eat it with his hands, but I’m not shoving his face in.”

  “Come on, guys, enough kid talk. It’s a party … let’s get shitfaced,” Wyatt calls out as he pours another round of shots.

  After everyone retired to their respective rooms, Sawyer walked me to mine. I’ve had more tequila shots than I have in … I don’t even remember how long … and everything is swimming.

  “Goodnight, Princess. Thank you for my presents.”

  I lean against the wall for support and laugh when I almost fall.

  “You’re welcome, Sawyer. Goodnight.” As I turn to go inside, I trip over my foot and start falling fast toward the floor. Sawyer reaches around my waist and pulls me flush against him.

  “Careful, Princess. Let me help you.” He leads me to the bed and turns off the light next to it. I don’t even care that I’m still in my clothes. I just want to sleep. “Goodnight,” he says, leaning down. I expect him to kiss my cheek, but his lips float briefly across the top of mine before he turns and walks away. It was only the whisper of a kiss, but my whole body tingles.

  It didn’t mean anything, though. We’re just drunk and it was a bit more friendly of a kiss than I’m used to. It’s not a big deal. At least that’s what I try and tell myself because, as I curl up under the covers, my heart feels like it’s a very big deal and not in a good way.

  Unsteady

  Today marks ten months to the day of the accident. Each time we hit one of these markers we’re all a bit on edge. Something feels different today, though. Things haven’t been this tense since Cadence’s birthday. That was a rough day for us all, including Veronica, but we did our best and made it through. I think we’re doing okay because Cadence is one happy little girl. Her favorite word is daddy and she uses it often. She calls Nate “NaNa” and it’s adorable.

  Rory was here most of the day going over some things for the foundation. The two of us are back to being friends again, which is good because I missed her. Sawyer thinks he’s close to getting some permissions from the artists who own the songs on EP, so that’s positive news.

  Both of us were hungover the day after his birthday, and we’ve never mentioned the near-miss, not-a-near-miss kiss we had. It was fine by me because it was a mistake no matter what it was. Lately, he’s been spending more time in the garage working on music. I’m not sure what kind, or what he’s planning on doing with it, but I’m afraid to even ask.

  As I work on clearing up the paperwork from our meeting today, Sawyer comes out of his room freshly showered and looking good. Too good.

  “Going somewhere?” I ask.

  “Yeah, I’m taking Lola out tonight.”

  My heart races a million miles a minute with his words.

  “I thought you didn’t like her?” I snap.

  “She’s been there for me, Mel. I feel like I owe it to her, and maybe to myself, to try to see where this goes.”

  “Oh, well … um … okay. Have fun.”

  “Sure thing.”

  “Hey, Sawyer?” I call out as he walks toward the door.

  “Yeah, Mel?”

  “Just be safe tonight, okay?”

  His expression softens slightly. “Of course.”

  When Sawyer leaves, I sit at the table and stare out at the ocean. Veronica has Nate and Cadence tonight, so I’m flying solo. Between her and Karen, they’ve been taking the kids at least once a month. It’s supposed to give me and Darren time to go out and do things, but neither of us ever do. It makes them feel closer to Belle and Noah to have them spend time with them, and for that reason alone I’d never deny them. It’s just lonely when they’re not here.

  I spin my wedding rings around on my fingers and miss my husband more than ever. My nightmares have all but vanished with just a few rogue dreams here and there. After I read Sawyer’s journal, they started coming more frequently but in the right order, at least the order according to the journal. Then they slowed after a few weeks. Last night, I had the first one since this time last month. I know it’s the anxiety of what day it is that must be bringing them on.

  I reach for my phone to text Anna and hesitate for a split second. Now that she and Wyatt are new parents, I hate to bother her. They had their baby last month; he’s the cutest little thing. Jacob Miles Smith made his appearance on May eleventh at three in the morning. He was a big boy at almost ten pounds, and he’s absolutely perfect.

  Fuck it. She would
want to know this.

  Sawyer just took Lola out on a date.

  Within minutes, my phone is ringing. “Hey, Anna.”

  “Are you kidding me?!” she squeals.

  “Nope.”

  “Jesus, Mel, did he give you any notice or anything?”

  “No, but it’s not like he needs to. I’m not his mother.”

  She blows out a frustrated sigh. “You’re one of his best friends and you live with him. Did she just show up there?”

  “Hell no. I would have lost my shit. He knows better than that. What am I supposed to do, Anna?”

  “Noah would hate this.” She says and I hear her filling in Wyatt.

  “Maybe she’s changed. Sawyer is a grown man and he wants more, Anna. Maybe Lola will be it for him.” The words taste foreign on my tongue. She’s bad news, I just know it.

  “I’ll talk to him, Mel. Maybe if he hears it from me it will make a difference somehow. I’m not saying people can’t change, but I don’t think she’s one who ever will.”

  “Maybe. I’m sorry to bother you with this I know you’re busy with Jacob. How is he, by the way? I miss him already.”

  She laughs. “He’s good. You just saw him yesterday, but you’re welcome to come by anytime.”

  “And you’re still feeling okay?” I don’t know when I suddenly became this mother hen to everyone, but it’s definitely become a new part of my personality.

  “I’m great. Wyatt is a doting father and husband.”

  “Good. Make sure you tell him I said to keep his O game away from you until the doctor says it’s okay.”

  She cracks up and yells it out to him. I can hear him saying “yeah, yeah” in the background.

  “What are you and Darren up to tonight?”

  “He’s having dinner with his parents, the kids are with Veronica, and I’m sitting here spinning my wedding rings in circles and getting ready to drown myself in a bottle of tequila.”

  Anna is silent for a minute. “Be careful, Mel. Remember what happened last time.”

  I told Anna about how Sawyer kissed me. She hugged me and told me it would be okay and that it probably didn’t mean anything. I felt so guilty. I love my husband with my whole heart and I’d never want to do anything to hurt him. But Anna being her typical, blunt self, reminded me I can be married in my heart forever but I don’t have a physical husband anymore, and I technically didn’t do anything wrong. It felt wrong, though, even if a tiny part of it felt right.

  “Yeah, I know, Anna. I won’t get too drunk. If I do, I’ll do it in my room.”

  “You could come over if you want to.”

  “No, you three enjoy your bonding time. I’ll be okay. I’ll talk to you later.”

  A few hours and a half bottle of tequila later, I’m listening to music and filling some photo albums with pictures. Building memories for Nate always makes me feel better. I’m building them for Cadence, too. I’ve got matching albums for them because they’re together in almost all their pictures.

  I wonder if Belle was right and they’ll grow up and get married. How adorable would it be to have all these childhood memories of them at their wedding one day? But then I think realistically and think it’s more likely they will grow up like brother and sister and never cross that line.

  “Unsteady” by X Ambassadors plays through the house and I stand up to get some water. Hearing shuffling by the front door, I check out what’s going on. Ryan is on guard tonight because the guys don’t leave me alone without someone guarding the door.

  Sawyer and Lola are standing at the door and she hands him something. He sees me and shoves it in his pocket and pulls her in for a hug. Whatever it was fell, but he doesn’t realize it.

  “Let me walk you out,” he says to her and pulls her outside quickly.

  Walking over to the door, I pick up what he dropped and my blood runs cold.

  I’m so furious as I walk back into the kitchen, I can barely put one foot in front of the other. Is this why he’s been acting strange lately? Because he’s using again? Fuck!

  It takes every ounce of willpower I have to not go beat that bitch down so she can never give him or anyone else drugs again. I won’t live like this, and I won’t subject my son to this kind of environment. I wonder if Darren knows. Hell, I wonder if Darren is using with him.

  “Dammit, Noah, what do I do now?” I scream, releasing a desperate sob.

  “Princess, what’s wrong?” Sawyer asks, turning me toward him.

  “Don’t fucking touch me!”

  “Seriously, Mel, you’re freaking me out. What’s wrong?”

  The concern on his face is evident, or maybe he’s an even better liar than I knew. “You have the audacity to ask me that?”

  “Is this about Lola? It was dinner, Mel. I didn’t even kiss her.”

  I bring my hands together in a slow clap. “Well, fucking bravo for you. Were you too high to get it up, or were you just using her to score?”

  Immediately, he reaches into his pocket and his face pales when his hand comes back empty.

  “Looking for this?” I ask, waving the baggie in front of my face.

  “It’s not what you think, Mel. I can explain.”

  “Tell it to someone who cares, Sawyer. I’m done! I will put up with a lot of shit, but this isn’t part of it. How long have you been using?”

  Fury masks his features as he leans back against the counter and crosses his arms. “Is that what you think of me now? That I’m a druggie addict liar? Do you know me at all?”

  Tears begin falling from my eyes as I toss the baggie to the table behind me. “I thought I did, Sawyer, but I’m not sure anyone has ever surprised me more.”

  I turn and go to my room, locking the door behind me. Once I have my pajamas on, I turn off the lights and cry myself to sleep. Just like I have on the anniversary of this day for the past nine months. But tonight, the pain is worse because I feel like Sawyer is slipping through my fingers and I can’t imagine my life or Nate’s life without him.

  When I woke up this morning, I pulled out my suitcases and opened them up on my bed. Now, I’m sitting here looking at the whales playing in the ocean, sipping my coffee, and debating my next step.

  I’m freaking out on the inside but trying to stay rational. I can’t live here if Sawyer is using. I can’t have him around my son. But should I call the family and have an intervention? Karen and Owen can’t lose another child, and I can’t wrap my mind around why Sawyer would start using again. I know the anniversary days are hard, and we all cope the best we can, but why didn’t he talk to me if he was feeling this desperate? Why couldn’t he say something?

  “Mel, can we talk?” Sawyer calls through the door.

  “Come in.”

  He gasps as he walks inside. “You’re leaving?”

  With a sigh, I turn to where he just took a seat on the bed. “I’m not sure what I’m doing, Sawyer. I want to help you but I don’t know how. I thought we were friends.” Tears begin streaming down my cheeks again. He reaches out to wipe them away but I smack his hand. “I’ve never been as vulnerable with anyone as I have been with you since the accident. It breaks my heart you were hurting so much you couldn’t talk to me and went back to drugs.”

  “Mel,” he runs his hands through his hair frantically, “you don’t understand.”

  “Please enlighten me because I’m at a complete loss, Sawyer. Before last night, I never thought my heart could be broken any further. I was wrong. You shattered whatever was left. But I can’t raise my son in a house with an addict. I won’t.”

  “I’m sorry. I was angry last night and let this go on too long. You were right, Mel. Lola was bad news.”

  Releasing a combination of a snort and a laugh, my eyes lock on his. “Tell me something I don’t know.”

  “Look, this is kind of embarrassing, okay? I took her to dinner at Duke’s and when we got in the car afterward, she did a line right
in front of me.”

  What the hell?

  “She just busted it out right there?”

  “Yeah. I was shocked, too. I was texting Wyatt back because someone told him and Anna I was making a bad life choice by going out with Lola.”

  His tone makes me chuckle. “Well, it seems like that someone was right.”

  “Yeah, you were. The whole way home she was telling me about her dealer boyfriend and how he’s the best in the business. That baggie was basically her calling card. My sample to test the goods for myself. She was hoping I could spread the word to my industry friends. I felt like I was being punked.”

  I feel like a ten-pound weight has been lifted from my chest. “So you aren’t—”

  “No, Mel, I’m not using again. I wouldn’t do that. Losing Noah was hard, and the urge was strong when it first happened, but do you know what was stronger? My love for you and Nate. He needed me, Mel, and that was more important than any high.”

  “I’m sorry, Sawyer. I was drunk and it was a bad night. When I saw that, I freaked out. I don’t do well around drugs after my dad, and I felt like I’d somehow failed you.” I’m crying again, but this time he pulls me from the chair and into his arms.

  “Don’t leave, Princess. I don’t have a clue what I’m doing with my life, but I do know you and Nate are the only things I’ve got that make it worth living right now.”

  “What about the drugs?”

  “I ran them down the drain last night. That’s not my life anymore. I feel sorry for Lola that this is her future. She’s an addict who plays people to get her boyfriend business. I mean, he’s basically pimping her. She didn’t even mention him until after dinner. She was all flirty and touchy feely. I know I could have fucked her if I wanted to but all I could think about was coming home … to you.”

  “Because me and my scrapbooking are such high excitement for a Friday night.”

  He leans his head against mine. “Because you’re my best friend, Mel, and I missed you.”