Just an Illusion - EP

by D. Kelly

  “Happy birthday, Nate. A year ago, your daddy and I were eagerly trying to get you to make an appearance into this world. He loved you so much. Do you remember how he used to sing to you when you were in my belly? Probably not, but he did it all the time. You loved hearing his voice, and he loved how you would kick when you heard him. I never thought anyone could love you as much as he did. Not even me.

  “But you know what? I was wrong. I love you at least that much, if not more, and so does Uncle Sawyer. He loves you to the moon and back. You’re so lucky to have him since you don’t have your daddy. It’s hard to believe it’s been a year since you came into this world and your daddy and Auntie Belle left it. She would have loved you to pieces, just like she did Cadence.”

  I look down and Nate is fast asleep. When I stand up to put him in the crib, Sawyer is standing in the doorway watching us. He was probably there the whole time.

  “Ready to get drunk?” he whispers as I lay Nate down. I grab the monitor, even though he’s been mostly sleeping through the night the past few weeks, and close the door behind us.

  “So completely ready to get drunk. Who is still here?”

  “Just us and Darren, but he said he wanted to be alone with Cadence tonight and went to his room already.”

  Sadness fills my heart. “Do you think we should get him anyway?”

  “No, I think he needs time with his little girl to remember Belle. Go sit down, you’ve been going all day. I’ll get the stuff and bring it to the couch.”

  A few minutes later, Sawyer appears with a tray filled with tequila, shot glasses, salt, limes, a couple of bottles of water, and cake. He’s thought of it all.

  “Aren’t you thoughtful bringing cake, too?”

  “Well, I know you have to eat so you don’t puke when you drink. Want Pop-Tarts instead?”

  “Maybe. Depends on how drunk we get.”

  He pours the first shots and cuts up the limes. “As drunk as possible tonight. Lick your hand, Princess.”

  I do as he asks and he does the same before sprinkling salt on each of us. After licking it off, we take our shots and suck the lime. We repeat this three more times before we lean back to talk.

  “Remember that night at Sully’s? You made fun of me for wanting food and now you’re supplying my need.”

  He looks at me and laughs. “I was going through some shit and I was being a dick. I needed to get laid and took it out on you.”

  “Ugh, don’t remind me. I’ll never forget the look in that skank’s eyes when she asked if we wanted to join in.”

  Sawyer’s eyes widen. “She asked you that?”

  “Oh yeah,” I reply, laughing. “Pissed Noah right off. She said something like she wasn’t into chicks but we could totally swap.”

  He grabs his head and shakes it as he laughs hysterically. “No wonder Noah was so pissed. He was super sensitive about anyone asking us to swap or for a threesome.”

  “Did that happen a lot?” I ask, pouring us more shots but forgoing the salt and lime this time.

  “More than I’d like to admit. There are some freaky people out there. I mean, I’ve had my share of threesomes, for sure, but never with my own brother.”

  This discussion could be interesting and I’m all for interesting right now since I’m floating on a drunken cloud. “Two girls and a guy, or two guys and a girl?”

  With a wicked smirk, he knocks back his shot. “Both.”

  “With Darren?”

  “A few times.”

  “With two guys, do you … do stuff with the guys?” He blushes and pours another shot. “Oh my God, you did! With Darren?”

  “Fuck no. Why are we talking about this?” He’s still blushing; I think I’ve hit a sensitive spot with him. This is fun.

  “Because I’m seriously intrigued. How far have you gone with another guy, Sawyer?”

  “Intrigued in a good way?”

  “Hell yeah. I mean, I don’t know about most women, but I know Belle and I both thought the idea of a threesome with two bisexual men is seriously hot.”

  His eyes roam over me as if he’s seeing me in a whole new light. “Don’t get too excited, Princess. I’ve only kissed another guy once and it wasn’t for me. I’m a pussy connoisseur, not a dick enthusiast. But, uh …”

  “What? Tell me. I won’t tell anyone, I promise.”

  “Let’s just say it was kind of a fantasy fulfillment night so I let him go down on me with her.”

  “Was it hot?”

  “Yeah, but I closed my eyes. It was more of the two mouths at once that was hot. They were a couple and it was like a holy grail fuck for them because of who I am. I get the appeal, but at the end of the day I just want to sink into a tight, hot, wet pussy.”

  “Jesus, Sawyer!”

  “You asked, Princess,” he says with a chuckle and pours our next shots.

  “Were you high?”

  “As a fucking kite.”

  “Can I ask you something?”

  “Sure,” he says as we toss them back.

  “How long has it been since you’ve had sex?”

  “Fourth of July weekend last year, when I spent the rest of our downtime with J.”

  “Wow, that’s a long time.”

  He leans back on the couch and I lay my head on his shoulder, fully feeling the effects of these shots.

  “There hasn’t really been an opportunity, I guess, and it just hasn’t been a priority. I’ve had my hands full lately.”

  “Mmhm. With your cock, I’m guessing.”

  Oh shit. Did I really just say that?

  Laughter comes barreling out of him. “You’re so fucking drunk, Mel, but I like it. You let your guard down. I’ll tell you all about my hand if you tell me how many times you’ve gotten yourself off lately.”

  “I haven’t.”

  “What? Like not at all?”

  “Nope. BOB got lost in the crash, I guess. If he didn’t, I don’t want to know what item number he is from the crash investigation inventory.”

  Sawyer is laughing again. I forgot how much he laughs when he’s drunk. “You could have bought a new one or ordered one online. And what about your hand?”

  “I don’t like using my hand for everything. It just doesn’t work the same. You need one for your clit, one to slide inside, but then your boobs are neglected. Enough about me, we were talking about your hand.”

  “Princess, I use my hand almost every fucking day, sometimes more than once.” I’m blushing but I’m not sure why; his answer doesn’t surprise me. “Now that you’re drunk I want you to make me a promise.”

  “Drunk promises aren’t very responsible, Sawyer.”

  “Even so, I’m going to hold you to it. Promise me you’ll go to the club with me next weekend when the kids are gone.”

  With a groan, I turn and face him. “I don’t want to be under siege from fans or paps. I don’t want you to take off with some chick and forget I’m even there so you can get laid. A club seems like a really bad idea, Sawyer.”

  Sincerity shines in his eyes. “None of that will happen, I promise. I know a place with private VIP rooms. Just you, me, Darren if we can get him to come, and a good time. Come on, Mel, say yes.”

  There’s nothing more I want in this moment than to make Sawyer happy even though I don’t understand why. “Okay, as long as you promise you won’t ditch me.”

  “I’d never ditch you, Princess.”

  “What do you miss most?”

  Sawyer wraps his arm around me, pulls me closer, and sighs. “Everything. I miss his laugh and his happiness, talking to him about things no one else would get, I miss my brother, my friend. I miss his love most of all.”

  “Me, too. Like everything you just said. Noah had a way of making it seem like everything was right in the world even when things were fucked up. He knew just what I needed to hear and when I needed to hear it. You’re good at that, too, Sawyer. You guys share
that trait, among others.”

  “What others?” he asks sleepily.

  “I don’t know … you’re good at making me feel safe and getting me to talk. You make me laugh and you push me outside of my comfort zone. You made me be a mom and Noah would have been so thankful to you for that.”

  “You didn’t need me, you would have been a great mom on your own. All you needed was the time to realize it.”

  I can’t keep my eyes open anymore. “Thanks for making Nate’s first year a good one,” I mumble, wondering if he even understood what I just said.

  “Thanks for letting me be a part of his life. It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

  In the middle of the night, I wake up bleary-eyed. I’m still drunk, and I miss Noah. I’m so lonely. It doesn’t ever seem like anything is going to fill this gaping void in my heart where Noah used to be. Feeling Sawyer’s arm around me, knowing his firm body is here, fills me with need. I know it’s wrong, but it’s been so long since I’ve allowed myself to feel anything and right now I’m feeling everything, with him.

  His hand trails down my arm softly, and I don’t think he knows I’m awake. He’s so careful—probably hoping he doesn’t wake me up—but I allow myself this moment to enjoy these sensations. After a year of misery, I deserve something, don’t I? When a soft moan falls from my lips, he whispers, “Princess?” and fuck if that doesn’t make me even needier for his attention.

  As I lean my head up toward his, I use my arm to pull his face to mine. Pulling his bottom lip into my mouth, I tug on his lip ring the way I’ve imagined too many times. I’m a horrible person, but I never claimed to be a saint. As he tightens his arm around me, his tongue tentatively seeks mine. This isn’t uncontrolled passion like our other kisses—this is soft, seductive, and exactly what I need from him. As his tongue caresses mine, my body floods with need. Maybe it’s the tequila, maybe it’s the loneliness, or maybe it’s just him.

  “Sawyer, please …” My anguished words are filled with desperation.

  “Please what, Princess? You’ve got to tell me what you need.”

  Why is he making this harder?

  “Fuck me, Sawyer. Fuck my pain away. I need to you make it stop.”

  He squeezes me tighter in his embrace and kisses the top of my head. “I can’t do that, Princess. The only way to ease your pain is to let it bleed out onto the floor while you drown in it.” With those words, he releases me and walks away. A minute later, the sound of his bedroom door closing echoes through the hall.

  Not even Sawyer wants me now. Who can blame him? I’m a sad, pathetic mess. And he’s my husband’s brother. God, what is wrong with me?

  As I stand up, the room begins to spin but I manage to grab my water and the monitor and head to my room. Hopefully, in the morning, I’ll realize this whole thing was one big nightmare.

  Amelia – Present Day

  Karen took a break from reading and made us all lunch. As we sit around the table, it’s quiet at first; that is, until Rory decides to finally speak up.

  “Why didn’t anyone tell me you and Sawyer kissed first?”

  “Because it wasn’t relevant to what is going on now, Rory. That night was a fluke, but it’s also the night Noah laid the groundwork to steal my heart,” I tell her.

  “Everyone knew Sawyer had feelings for you but me.” Her words sound like a petulant child but I’m trying to have patience with her.

  “Look, Rory, I don’t know what you want me to say. Sawyer had feelings but he was trying not to. Maybe everyone knew, but they didn’t matter to me at the time. My heart belonged to Noah one hundred percent.”

  Anna looks up from her pasta and turns to me. “Do you really think that’s true?”

  “Of course I do. I’ve always had a bond with Sawyer, there’s no denying that. But never once did I question my decision to be with Noah. I felt terrible because I saw how badly Sawyer was hurting.”

  Pausing, I take a drink of my mimosa. “As I write these pages now, the one thing I do realize is even though I wasn’t in love with him back then, it’s probably why I was able to fall for him so easily now.”

  Rory’s eyes flash with anger. “And you love him now, right? You think it’s okay to just step on your marriage and put us all in the middle of your sordid affair?”

  “Rory, that’s enough!” Karen shouts. “Listen here, young lady, I’ve had enough of you judging Sawyer and Mel for making the best of an awful situation. There are things you still don’t know, but you’ll find out soon enough if Amelia continues telling the truth in this book. I strongly suggest you reserve your judgment for when you finish reading and know the whole truth. There’s a lot more than a black and white story here. Love is messy, Rory, and someday you’ll understand just how messy it can be. We’ll be there for you when that day comes, but please try to keep reading with an open mind.”

  “It makes me sick, Mom, and it makes me miss Noah,” she sobs.

  “I know, sweetie. Trust me, Noah would want you to know the whole story and he wouldn’t want you angry with Sawyer and Mel.”

  “I’m going to go get some air.” I push away from the table and head out the back door. It’s cold out but it’s no longer raining. I don’t go down to the beach as much as I used to; it’s too hard. Noah and I had some of our best times down on that beach.

  I lean over the wall and look out at the waves crashing against the shore. The sound calms me more than anything—it centers me when I’m off kilter. My phone buzzes in my pocket and when I pull it out there’s a video clip from Sawyer. I open it up to find “On the Road Again” by Willie Nelson.

  Fuck.

  That means the roads are clear and they’re coming home earlier than what I was prepared for when they thought they were snowed in. I should have figured this would happen; snow rarely sticks in California if it’s not winter. It doesn’t matter now. They’ll be here in a few hours and there’s no way I’ll be finished with this book by then. He’ll just have to sit and read it with everyone else. I don’t know how this turned into me working my way toward a decision to the whole family sitting around reading something I never wanted to share in the first place.

  I send a text back to him with a link to “Lego House” by Ed Sheeran and go back inside. It’s time to finish our story.

  Second Chances

  When I wake up, regret washes over me like a cold shower. But so does the realization Sawyer and I have been playing a dangerous game for months and it’s finally come to a head. I’ve got feelings for him. I don’t know when it happened, but it did. It’s wrong, and it’s dirty and sinful, but I’m starting to feel whole again. Sawyer makes me feel alive; it’s a heady sensation after the hell I’ve lived this past year.

  Our kiss last night was everything I needed from him. If only I hadn’t fucked it up by asking him to take away my pain. That had to have hurt him. I’m so used to being able to say anything to Sawyer, but I crossed the line last night. I’ve got to figure out a way to make it right.

  It’s still early and Nate is asleep. Sawyer is standing at the coffeemaker when I enter the kitchen. I look like death warmed over, but he doesn’t even flinch.

  “Good morning,” he says as he sips his coffee and leans against the counter.

  “Sawyer, about last night … I’m sorry.”

  The heaviness I feel every morning when I wake up was still there this morning, but it was accompanied by embarrassment, regret, and longing.

  “Why are you sorry? Because you wanted me, or because I wouldn’t fuck you?” His facial expression is stoic. I don’t know what answer I’m supposed to give him that would make this better either way. “Because I’ll tell you why I’m sorry, Princess. There’s only one thing in this world I want more than I want you and it’s never going to happen. We’re self-destructive people, Mel, and fucking our pain and anger away isn’t going to get us anywhere.”

  “Sawyer—”

  “N
o, let me finish. I’m tired of dancing around the obvious. Noah is gone, and we’re left picking up the pieces. Don’t you think I know it’s wrong to be in love with my dead brother’s wife? I’ve loved you from afar for long enough. If you want me, you’ll have to come to me. You need to want me for who I am, Mel, not because I remind you of something you’ve lost.”

  It’s as if he’s slashed a dagger through my heart. I’ve never wanted Sawyer because he reminds me of Noah—just the opposite. Their looks are similar—not identical—but it’s hard to get past those eyes sometimes. Noah’s eyes were always full of love and life. Sawyer’s are filled with depth, sorrow, knowledge, and desire. I try to blink back the tears; it’s futile. Ever since Nate was born, my emotions have had a mind of their own.

  “I’ve never wanted you for anything other than who you are, Sawyer. I know you’re not Noah, that you never will be Noah, and I don’t ever want you to be him, either. I’m sorry I didn’t realize you were in love with me. I love you, too, Sawyer, but I’m not sure how.”

  “I don’t need you to reciprocate my feelings, I’m just telling you they exist. I know better than anyone that you’re still in love with Noah.”

  His sadness echoes through the room and my guilt is eating away at me. “Tell me, Sawyer, what’s the one thing you want more than me? Maybe I can at least help you get that.”

  Sadness clouds his features as he shakes his head. “Noah, Mel. I want my best friend and my brother back. I need him. I need his advice, his friendship, and his heart and love for life. It should have been me, and I regret being where he should be every fucking day.”

  The rawness of his words steals my breath as I crumple to the floor. The pain he told me to feel last night is working itself out of me in a god-awful way. Through my sobs, I begin screaming at him.

  “Do you think that would make this better? How broken do you think we’d be without you? If it were reversed and you were gone, Noah wouldn’t be Noah anymore. He’d be a shell of himself and he’d feel exactly like you do now. And what about me? And Nate? What the hell would we do without you, Sawyer? You’re our everything!”