Just an Illusion - EP

by D. Kelly

  He leans down and bites my neck and I inhale deeply, wishing for more. As his tongue licks over the bite, his husky voice greets my ear. “Stamina has never been my issue and you know it, Princess. Threaten me with a good time all you want, you’ll be the one begging for mercy in the end. Maybe tonight you’ll finally let me have that ass. My cock has been dying for a new place to play on your body.”

  “Fuck, Sawyer, let’s go before you make me come with your words.”

  He pulls back and his gaze locks on mine. “That’s what I thought.”

  A few hours and many emotions later, Sawyer and I are dancing under the stars. I’m trying to be a good sport and have fun, but I haven’t been to a wedding since mine and Noah’s; this one is triggering so many memories.

  Mama looks incredibly happy, even though we both shed a few tears before the ceremony. As I watch her and Marcus dancing, I want what they have. I had it once with Noah, and I want it again with Sawyer, but something is holding me back.

  “You look a million miles away,” he says solemnly.

  “I’m sorry, it’s been a long day.” With a sigh, I lean my head on his shoulder as the lyrics from I “Just Wanna Love You” by The Shires wash over us. I can’t help but feel the part in the song about the storm is where we are right now. We’re at an invisible impasse. As much as I thought I’d let Noah go, today has proved I haven’t—not completely—and it bothers me immensely. Sawyer deserves so much more than what he’s getting from me.

  This wedding is starting to send me spiraling downward. My emotions are getting the best of me and I find myself clinging to Sawyer, wishing for relief.

  “Do you want to go home, Mel?”

  “Would you mind? I think I’m just … tired.”

  “No,” he says sadly, “I don’t mind, but I’m pretty sure the word you were looking for there was overwhelmed. You’re lost in your memories of him, and there’s nothing I can do to change it or help you.”

  Darren left with the kids about an hour ago, so Sawyer and I wish the happy couple a good honeymoon and make our way to the car.

  We’re quiet on the drive home; I’m pretty sure Sawyer is upset. That makes two of us. I’m frustrated I’m having so many emotions tonight, and I’m even more frustrated he’s not being more sympathetic to me.

  When he pulls into the driveway, he turns to me, his sadness slaying me. “I’m going to work on some music in the garage for a while. I’ll be in later.”

  Just like that, all his promises from earlier are gone, but I’m not really in the mood at this point. “Alright, I’ll see you later.”

  Inside, I kick off my heels and carry them to my room. The sound of giggling kids carries into the hall. At least they’re having a good night.

  After putting on my pajamas, I go into the kitchen and open a bottle of wine.

  “I thought I heard someone come in. You’re home early, what happened?”

  “Want some?” I ask, holding up the wine.

  “Nah, I’ll just grab a beer, thanks.”

  “Will things ever get easier, Darren? God knows I’m trying, but then something happens and bam … back three steps again.”

  “I’m not sure, Mel. You’ve made it further than I have. I’m back to randomly fucking people, but it’s not messy when emotions aren’t involved. Belle’s the only person who has ever evoked those kinds of feelings in me.”

  “Am I a horrible person? I love Sawyer, so much, but tonight brought back all the memories of my own wedding. Noah and I were so happy that night.”

  Darren takes a long draw of his beer. “I don’t know, Mel. I don’t think you’re a bad person at all. Maybe if you were involved with someone outside the family it wouldn’t be as difficult. But you can’t help who you love, and you and Sawyer are pretty fucking perfect if you guys can get past all your shit. Besides, it was your first wedding since, maybe it won’t happen again.”

  “Yeah, maybe not.”

  As he picks at the label on his bottle, he looks at me. “Don’t think you were the only one affected tonight. Sawyer is being sensitive right now because he was reminded of your wedding, too. You’re not the only one who has lingering feelings and guilt about Noah. Sawyer is in this with you, Mel.”

  “I know he is, but I don’t feel like he’s sympathetic to it anymore.”

  “Shit, today was miserable for me, too. The last wedding I attended was yours, and Belle was my date. Her mom got married and she wasn’t there but I was. Do you realize how much that fucks with someone’s head?” He chuckles. “Well, yeah, of course you do. You’re not alone, Mel, we’re all here. But do you really need Sawyer’s sympathy? If it were me, I’d rather have his support.”

  “Sawyer said he’s working on music. Do you know if he’s been working on anything new?”

  Darren’s eyes widen in surprise. “No, but I wish he would. Sawyer needs that creative outlet. Hell, we all do. We could never tour again without Noah but fuck, I wish we could just jam and let out some stress without feeling guilty for doing it without him.”

  “I think Noah would want that. To use your music as an outlet and a way to relieve some stress. He’d want you guys to be happy.”

  Darren smiles and tips his beer bottle toward me. “And he’d want you and Sawyer to be happy, too. Today was rough, but for all his roughness, Sawyer is one of the most sensitive people I’ve ever met. Don’t be too hard on him, Mel. He loves you more than he’s ever loved anyone, except Noah.”

  “Thanks, Darren.”

  “Yeah, no problem. Can you watch Cadence tonight? I need a release of my own, if you know what I mean.”

  “Sure, have fun, and double bag that shit.”

  “You know it, Mel. Go talk to him, I’ll be here a little bit longer.”

  I decide to take Darren’s advice and go downstairs to the garage. “Heathens” by Twenty One Pilots is blasting down here. Sawyer is sitting on the couch, crying, looking at a photo of him, Noah, and me. I back up against the wall and out of sight, feeling like I’m intruding on a private moment. Belle took that picture of us and I framed it for Sawyer that first Christmas we were all together.

  Instead of bothering Sawyer, I head back upstairs, deciding it’s time to make another post on Belle’s blog.

  Hey, Slammed Family!

  This late-night post is more for me than you. However, you are all my lifeline to Belle right now so there is no one I wanted to share it with more.

  Today, our mama got married and Belle wasn’t here for it. Yeah, it’s been one of those days. Time is a strange thing, an infinite loop of happiness and sadness. Today was one of those strange times. Watching someone get married is one of the best feelings in the world, especially when it is someone you’ve hoped would find their happy ending for a long time.

  Our mama deserves to be happy, especially after these past few difficult years. Next month will mark two years since we lost them. Can you believe that? In some ways it seems like yesterday, and in others it seems like a lifetime ago.

  Tonight, I missed Noah more than I have in a while. His loss hits me at random times but at the wedding—my first wedding since ours—it hit me hard. It hit Darren and Sawyer hard, too, but for different reasons.

  Darren went to his mother-in-law’s wedding without his bride. Even though he and Belle never officially tied the knot, Darren is family in every way. The last wedding he went to was mine, with Belle by his side.

  And Sawyer, well … this is a bit more complicated and I hope you all will bear with me because I have some explaining to do. Today was also Sawyer’s first wedding since my wedding to Noah. The memories and guilt plagued us both just below our happiness. You see, it’s time to come clean with you, Slammed Family. Sawyer and I are a couple now.

  This may surprise some of you, probably most of you, because we keep our relationship extremely close to the belt. For those of you who think it’s wrong and we’re assholes, join the club. There are a few fami
ly members who are right there with you. And at times, Sawyer and I are with you, too.

  The rest of the time we are happy. We’re in love, and no matter how wrong it may seem, I would have never made it through the past two years without him. Sawyer is an amazing father to Nate and loves him purely, in a way no one other than Noah or I could. Nate has the love of a father, an uncle, and someone who keeps the memory of his own father alive daily all wrapped in one incredible package.

  Why tell you this now in a midnight confession after a half a bottle of wine? Because I just saw something that broke my heart and I don’t know how to fix it. I thought maybe, by telling the world my secret, it could somehow help ease the hurt both Sawyer and I carry around.

  If any of you have ever walked in total darkness and had to find your way to the light, you’ll understand my post. Losing Noah and Belle was the darkest time in my life. Having Sawyer with me to not only walk me through but understand my pain makes getting to the light almost bearable. I’m still not out of the dark completely but I’m working my way through as best as I can.

  On a lighter note, I want to personally thank all of you for your support with the launch of The Noah Weston Foundation for Kind Acts. Your donations continue to pour in, as do your notes of love and support. You made the release of his EP beyond amazing. I used to struggle with releasing his album to me—to the world—but now, every time I hear one of those songs, it makes me happy to know his fans are experiencing the joy that was Noah Weston. He had the purest heart of anyone I’ve ever known.

  I’m pretty sure his son will be a close second, followed by Sawyer. These Weston men are a caliber of their own. I consider myself blessed to be a part of their world. In closing tonight, I leave you with a picture of the ring bearer and the flower girl. Could these kids of ours be any cuter?

  Much love to you all.

  Mel

  Amelia – Present Day

  With a sigh, I stretch my arms above my head.

  “Where are you now?” Sawyer asks for about the umpteenth time.

  I hit save and send him what I just finished. He’s only a chapter behind me and catching up fast. I’m making everyone else wait for the second half of this third part. I want Sawyer to finish it first.

  “I’m about to write the last chapter. Well, the ending is still to be determined, but at least I’ll be caught up to the here and now.”

  “Have I mentioned how fucking proud I am of you for doing this?”

  “You might have, but can I ask you something?”

  He laughs hysterically. “You’re never going to stop asking me that, are you? I’m yours, Mel, ask away.”

  “What do you think about the book so far? Are you learning anything you didn’t already know? Does it make you feel any different about everything, or anything?”

  “Put our computers on the floor for a second,” he says, passing his computer to me after I put mine down. “Come here.” He lies on the bed and pulls me into his arms. Using his hand to brush my hair away from my face, he kisses me tenderly.

  “I’m not sure I can express everything I’ve felt while reading this book. You brought back some of the best times of my life and some of the worst. This story is real and it’s us. It’s everything, Mel, and then some.”

  A sigh of relief escapes my lips and he brushes his over mine briefly.

  “You know how you doubted my love for you was real until Wyatt told you his story?”

  “I wouldn’t say doubted, more worried it was a subliminal love.”

  “Uh huh, anyway, I guess there’s always been this part of me that has kind of wondered the same thing. Was I just a substitution for Noah, someone you fell for because I helped you and maybe it was more of a … I don’t know … owed … kind of love? Do you know what I mean?”

  “Yes, I understand what you mean, but you could have asked me.”

  He sighs and brushes his lips against mine. “I was terrified of your answer. Through your words, I understand your love is as real as mine. Reading your emotions from our first kiss, and all of our interactions, proved that to me without a doubt.”

  “What about the Noah scenes?”

  “Amelia, I’m so happy my brother had someone who loved him as much as you did. His life was cut short but he experienced it all because of you. What I understand now, that I’m not sure I could have ever understood before this book, is we did have a spark but it wasn’t our time. The timing was yours and Noah’s and you lived it to the fullest. But Mel, the story is ours. Mine and yours, do you see that? From the first kiss in my bathroom, until whenever fate decides it’s over, this is our story.”

  Tears are streaming down my cheeks. He gets it.

  “So you understand now that you never were and never could be second best?”

  “I do, Princess, I totally fucking do.”

  “Can you also understand that it’s going to be natural for both of us to have days where something reminds us of Noah, and those days will be harder than others, but it doesn’t diminish our love? I need this most of all, Sawyer. I need to know you have my back even if my mind is temporarily lost.”

  His hands caress my back in soft circles and his eyes are bright with love. “As long as you understand I’m here with you and can help you through it. No pulling away, no hiding out in Noah’s closet, no listening to your death playlist. In fact, I think your next order of business after the closet should be replacing that fucking playlist with something happier. Or something sexier we can listen to while we fuck our blues away.”

  “I like that idea, and I have a surprise for you but I want to write the last chapter before I show you. Then, while everyone else is catching up, maybe I can relax for a bit.”

  Sawyer bites his bottom lip and grins. “Actually, I was hoping you’d let me take you somewhere while they are all reading. I have something to talk to you about. Something I realized was long overdue when we were up at the cabin.”

  Popping a quick kiss on his lips, I hop up and get our computers. “It’s a date, Weston. One more chapter and I’m all yours.”

  The Beginning of the End

  Sawyer never came to bed that night, and my emotional state after that took a nosedive. Sawyer started spending more time in the garage over the next two weeks and I started spending more time in Noah’s closet.

  The thing is, I was sad, but my time in the closet wasn’t all about Noah this time. For some reason, I feel close to him in here and I’ve been talking to him about Sawyer. I know it sounds crazy, but it helps me since Sawyer and I aren’t exactly talking.

  Ever since the wedding, Sawyer has been pulling away from me and it hurts so much. After I saw him crying I’m hesitant to even try talking to him. He’s hurting; I don’t want to make it worse and I don’t know how to fix it. They’re leaving tomorrow to go to the cabin in Big Bear for their second try at an annual trip. More than anything, I want things to be okay with us before he goes.

  Call it separation anxiety or PTSD, but I worry every time someone leaves the house. It’s subtle most of the time, but he’ll be gone for three days; a lot can happen in that amount of time. If something were to happen, I don’t want any anger between us.

  I’m in the kitchen making coffee, trying to psych myself up to talk to him today and fix this, when he comes in fully dressed.

  “I made you coffee,” I say, trying to open up a dialog.

  “Thanks, but I’m meeting someone for coffee. A meeting with a new angel investor.”

  “Oh, okay. Have a good day, I guess. Will I see you later? I’d really like to talk today.”

  Leaning against the counter, he crosses his arms and stares me down. I hate when he does this; it’s intimidating and I don’t want to feel intimidated by the man who owns my heart. “Yeah, sure. I’ve got some errands to run and stuff to put together for tomorrow. I left you a list of stuff to pack for Nate if you have time, it would really help me out.”

  Nate. He’s
taking my baby away for three days. What am I going to do without them? I’ve never been alone in this house for more than a few hours, let alone three fucking days.

  “Of course. Whatever you need.” I’m emotional, and I wish he’d just leave so I could fucking cry in peace.

  “Thanks, Mel, I’ll see you later.”

  Grabbing his keys, he leaves. No kiss goodbye, not even a second look back. I’m pretty sure Sawyer has finally decided he’s done with me. I thought after reading the blog post he’d be happy. I didn’t get a reaction out of him one way or the other. The readers, on the other hand, had plenty to say and a lot of it wasn’t kind.

  Maybe that’s part of it for him. Not the readers but the family. Rory, Rob, and Owen are still causing issues. Well … that’s not fair. Rob has come around; he was even going to go with them until Diane’s due date interfered. I get a personal vibe from him that he’s not okay with us, but maybe it’s just me looking for something that isn’t there. Same with Owen. He hasn’t said anything one way or the other, but his lack of opinion makes me think it’s not favorable. And we all know where Rory stands; she becomes angrier and more bitter each time I see her. At least she maintains a professional manner in the office, albeit a cool one.

  “Good morning, Mel,” Karen says, coming into the kitchen. She spent the night here last night because she was up late working on foundation business with me. Last week, she came over and found me in the middle of a closet meltdown. She’s been hovering ever since. It might have to do with me breaking down and crying about Noah and Sawyer and babbling about the things I kept from Noah and how they feel like lies even though I thought I was protecting him. She was quick to remind me some things Noah knew, and some he didn’t, but there were also things he kept from me.

  Karen also reminded me that just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean you have to know every single thing the other person does. Sometimes, secrets aren’t a bad thing. But I don’t want secrets anymore and maybe I’m living in a bubble hoping for the impossible.