Taking Chances

by Flowers, Loni

  “Are you sure you don’t want me to come with you?” he asked.

  “I’ll be fine. You’ll just be bored waiting in the lobby anyway. Would you mind calling… my dad… and letting him know?”

  “Okay, baby, I will. Call me as soon as you can.” He leaned over and kissed her forehead. Before shutting the door, he looked over at Roz. “You let me know as soon as you hear something. If you’re not going to let me come, at least don’t keep me waiting,” he demanded.

  “I will, I promise. Don’t worry, hon, I’m sure it’s just exhaustion or a cold. We’ll be back shortly, okay?”

  He nodded to Roz and looked back at Clair. He looked like he wanted to say something to her, but instead only said, “I’ll see you soon,” before he shut the door.

  Clair had to fill out a ridiculous amount of paperwork. The entire time she tried to convince Roz she didn’t need to be there, blaming her fainting on being stressed and working a lot.

  “Roz, I don’t have the money for this. Can we please just leave?”

  “Forget about the money, that’s not what’s important right now.”

  Clair sighed and handed the paperwork back to the receptionist at the front desk.

  “You can go on back and have a seat in the bench outside room two,” the woman directed her.

  Clair motioned for Roz to follow her. It had been years since she had been to the doctor. She had never liked going and there was no way she was going into the back by herself.

  After a few minutes of waiting, a nurse walked up to them and said, “Ms. Davidson?”

  “That’s me.”

  “I need you to come with me, please,” the nurse instructed.

  They walked down a short hall, stopping at a door. She directed Clair to leave a urine sample in the bathroom and place it by the sink when she finished. Handing her a small plastic cup, she turned to walk away.

  “Whoa, wait a minute. Why do I have to do this?” she asked. “Can’t they just give me some antibiotics to get rid of this cold?”

  “I’m sorry, it’s just routine. We have to run tests before we prescribe any medications. When you’re done, come back here and we’ll take you to the lab for blood work.”

  All this for a freaking cold, Clair thought. She walked into the bathroom and filled her cup as requested, setting it next to the sink. She wasn’t dumb; she knew what they were testing for. As if I could possibly be pregnant, Clair thought as she walked to the door to leave. Her hand stilled on the doorknob and she shook her head. No, no, no. It can’t be. We used protection every time. We were always careful. Clair gasped as she remembered the morning Alex left for Pittsburgh the first time. She wanted him; told him she didn’t want to wait two weeks. If she were pregnant, it was her fault for rushing it. They were both caught in the moment, neither stopping long enough to realize the consequences of their actions. Nervous beads of sweat broke out across her forehead and she walked over to the sink. She stared at her reflection in the mirror above it, somehow knowing she didn’t need a test for confirmation… She was pregnant. The fatigue, the nausea, the cravings, or lack thereof. Clair felt like a fool for not realizing it sooner. The knock on the door caused her to jump and when she opened it, Roz was waiting for her.

  “Is everything okay? You’ve been in there awhile.”

  Clair nodded, “Yes, I’m fine.” She felt a sob bubbling up inside her and she bit down on her lip, trying to force it back down. But nothing could stop the tears. She shook her head violently back and forth and reached for Roz.

  “I’ve messed up,” she sobbed. “It’s all my fault. I should have known what was happening to me.” Clair looked down at the floor, her vision blurred with tears. “What am I going to do?”

  Roz pulled her into her arms, holding her tight. “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. You don’t know for sure, do you?”

  “How did you know?” Clair mumbled against Roz’s shirt.

  Roz rubbed her back, “Don’t you know by now? I usually know these things. Now come on, let’s go see what the doctor has to say.”

  Clair managed to hold herself together while she talked with Dr. Moore. She was in a state of shock through most of the conversation and Clair was thankful Roz had been with her to do most the talking. All Clair could manage was a “yes” or “no” to specific questions Roz couldn’t answer.

  Dr. Moore confirmed her fears. Since Clair was certain it happened about four weeks ago, the doctor guessed her due date to be around March. On their way out, they made another appointment to come back in about a month for an ultrasound, which by that time would confirm the due date by the measurement of the baby.

  Roz and Clair sat silently in the car, before Roz spoke. “Clair, you’re going to get through this, you and Alex both. I’ll be there with you when you tell him if you want, but I just know he’s going to be so happy. And your dad—”

  Clair burst out crying and shook her head. “No, I can’t tell him. He’ll hate me forever. It was my fault, and I will be the one who ruins his life, just like Mia. I won’t do it!”

  Roz turned in her seat to face her, “He won’t hate you… he loves you. I actually think he’ll be excited to hear this. I mean, I’m sure he’ll be scared at first, but who isn’t when they find out this kind of news? Especially when it’s unexpected. And why on earth do you think it’s your fault? The last I heard, it takes two people to make a baby.”

  “I know that. I rushed things, and we just got out of control. I shouldn’t have teased him. Ugh…don’t make me go into detail about this. I’m sure you can guess what happened.”

  Roz chuckled despite the seriousness of the situation. “I understand what you’re getting at, but no matter what you think, it’s not your fault. You didn’t make him have sex with you, Clair. Sometimes our emotions get in the way of our ability to make clear decisions and this was one of them. But I don’t think you should regret it. Everything happens for a reason. Don’t you think he has a right to know?”

  “I don’t know. I mean yes, of course he does deserve to know, but I don’t know how he’ll take it. I don’t want this to affect his reason for staying, when he’s supposed to be leaving for Pittsburgh in a week. I will not hold this as leverage against him, making him think he has no choice but to stay here with me; it’s not fair to him. Please don’t say anything to him about this. I’ll tell him, but I have to find the right time and now isn’t it.”

  “I’m sorry, I don’t agree with you,” Roz sighed. “But it’s your choice and because of that, I won’t say anything. Just don’t give me a reason to have to tell him, okay?”

  “I’ll tell him soon.”

  “Okay. Let’s get you home to rest. I’ll call Alex when we get there and let him know everything’s fine and you just need some rest.”

  Clair nodded and dried her eyes, resting her head against the seat. Once they pulled into their driveway, she immediately saw Alex’s Jeep. He was sitting in a chair on the front porch, waiting.

  “Crap! What am I going to say to him?” Clair asked in a panic.

  Alex bolted off the porch, practically running toward the car. When Clair opened the door and got out, he pulled her into his arms, exhaling as if he were relieved to see she was all right.

  He pulled her back to look at her face, worry in his eyes. “Tell me what they said? Is everything okay?”

  Clair pushed her way out of his arms and walked toward the house. “It was nothing. Really, I’m fine. Just a little scare, that’s all.” What else was she going to say? She knew she was lying but she didn’t want to talk about it right now. She didn’t feel like dealing with his barrage of questions. When she kept walking, Clair heard Roz talking to him behind her.

  “She fainted from having low blood-sugar. Sometimes our blood gets like that when we are—”

  “Roz!” Clair snapped. She corrected her tone and attempted to cover up what she thought Roz was about to tell him. “Don’t scare him. It was just low because I’m not eating regularly li
ke I should, and it made me faint.” Technically, she wasn’t lying. That was what the doctor said.

  Clair walked through the door and Roz huffed as she walked past her, “That’s what I was going to say. You need to do what the doctor suggested and get some rest and I need to get back to the diner. I’ll be home later to check on you.” She looked at Alex, “You get five minutes, then off you go… She needs to rest.”

  Alex’s shoulders slumped as he sighed, “Yes, ma’am.”

  When Roz left, Alex walked over to Clair, keeping a small distance between them. It was as if he were scared to touch her. She took his hand in hers and gave it a squeeze. “I’m sorry for being short with you, I didn’t mean it. I’m just tired and still a little woozy.”

  Alex brushed Clair’s hair away from her eyes and tucked the strand behind her ear. He looked at her cautiously, as if he were trying to decide what he wanted to say. “Seeing you fall like that, Clair… it scared the hell out of me. It was like I was seeing you lying there on the sidewalk again after those guys tried to rape you. Not being there made me feel helpless. I just wanted to be with you, even if you didn’t think it was a big deal.”

  It didn’t even occur to her what the incident looked like to him, and hearing him talk about it, made her feel that much worse. Clair reached her hand out, and held her palm against his cheek. Looking at him now, she couldn’t help but wonder what their baby would look like. The more she thought about it, the more emotional she felt and Clair knew, if he stayed much longer, she would break down. As badly as she wanted him to stay, she had to get him to leave. “I’ll be fine, I promise. I just need some rest. Can I call you tomorrow?”

  “Sure. You want me to come up and stay with you for awhile?”

  “No, it’s okay. I’m going to take a shower first anyway, but I’ll call you if I need anything.”

  It was obvious with the look on his face that he was disappointed. But after a moment, he conceded and kissed her tenderly, letting his lips linger over hers the way he always did. Closing her eyes, Clair took in the moment, the way his tongue played with hers, the taste of his lips, and the feel of his fingers as they gripped her arms. She wanted the memory of his kiss burned into her heart so she would never forget. They only had a week left before Pittsburgh and within that time, Clair knew she had to let him go. Pregnant or not, she had to allow him the opportunity to have a successful life, without making him feel tied down with the added responsibilities of their baby.

  Clair pulled away as she fought hard to keep her voice steady and her tears back. “I’m going to go rest now. We’ll talk later, okay?”

  Alex agreed and kissed her on the forehead before walking out the door. Clair gradually made it up to her room, barely having the strength to pull herself up the staircase. She found her bed and fell into it. Curling up in a ball, she finally let go of every emotion that had tormented her throughout the day, and she cried long and hard into her pillow.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

  Alex

  Alex called Clair as he always did when he got off work. He had been trying to meet her all week but either his schedule or hers kept interfering, or so she said, whenever he called to see her. He had a feeling this time when he called, he’d hear the same excuses. She would either be too tired, working at the diner, or running errands for Roz. It was always something, and he felt Clair was purposefully avoiding him. All week, he had wanted to talk to her about Pittsburgh and how they could work through it, but the timing was never right. After getting her voicemail, he called Roz. According to her, Clair’s car was in the driveway, so she had to be home. He didn’t understand why, all of a sudden, she was acting this way and he was determined to get to the bottom of it.

  He knocked on her door and hoped she wouldn’t ignore him again like she was, avoiding his phone calls. After a few seconds, Clair opened the door.

  “Sorry, I was in bed. Come in,” she said.

  She slumped away from him and over to the couch, leaving him standing at the door. She dropped onto the cushions and Alex walked over and sat beside her. He rubbed his hand across her arm and he noticed how tired she looked. Her eyes were red with dark circles under them and her hair was a tangled mess.

  “You feel bad again?” he asked.

  “It’s those damn vitamins the doctor gave me. They make me feel horrible. I need to see if they can give me something different.” She looked down and picked at a loose string from the pillow she was leaning against, “What’s up? Did you get off work early or something?”

  Alex stared at her, wondering where the feelings had gone. Before, he never made it through the door without her wrapping him in a hug or kissing him. Now, she just sat there, unaffected by anything… like she had turned off her emotions.

  “No, I left early to get my bags packed for Pittsburgh and I wanted to spend the rest of the day with you. We haven’t seen each other all week and I miss you.” She didn’t look up, but continued picking at the string on the pillow.

  “Why are you doing this, Clair?”

  She looked up then, surprised by his blunt question. “Why am I doing what?”

  “Why are you giving up? Shutting me out as if this relationship is over?”

  “Isn’t it though? What’s the point in pretending we can work this out?”

  “So that’s it,” he said, throwing his hand in the air. “You don’t even what to try? You’re just going to forget about everything, like it never happened?”

  Clair sighed. “You leave tomorrow. I know we should have talked about this before now but… well… I think we both knew this was coming.”

  Alex shook his head, “No, I had no idea this was coming. How can you just give up?”

  “I’m not giving up. I’m looking at the current situation for what it is. We need to be honest with ourselves. We can’t have a real relationship separated by another state. I can’t let you put your life on hold because you have to go to Pittsburgh; it’s not fair for me to expect you to.”

  Alex edged closer to the end of the cushion, sitting up straighter. “If it’s my choice, does it really matter? I want to be with you, Clair. If I want to put my life on hold, I can do that. Hell, I’ll quit if that’s what it takes. I’ll do whatever it takes to be with you. I know we can make this work.”

  “And that’s just it; I don’t want you to feel like you have to quit. I want you to take this job because you deserve it. I know this will lead to great opportunities for you. Your move to Pittsburgh has to be about you, not me. If you don’t go, you’ll regret it later, and don’t tell me you won’t, because I know eventually, you will.”

  Alex leaned forward and took Clair’s hands in his. He knew he was pleading with her, begging her not to do this, but he didn’t care. After everything they’d both been through up to now, he didn’t want to lose her.

  “Then come with me.”

  She bit down on her lip and he watched her, waiting for a sign that she would consider his request. He rubbed his thumb across the back of her hand but she pulled it away and laid them back in her lap. His stomach sank at the thought that she would say no. When she finally looked up at him, her eyes held a sadness he hadn’t seen before.

  “We’re on different paths right now. I think it’d be best if we both just see where it takes us, especially after everything we’ve been through. We owe it to ourselves, don’t you think?”

  Alex stood up and paced the floor in front of her, angry that she was being so stubborn. If it didn’t work out that was one thing, but to give up without trying?

  He stopped in front of her and knelt down, cupping her cheek with his hand. Looking deeply into her eyes, he wanted Clair to see what he felt, how much he loved her. “No. We owe it to ourselves to be happy. I love you and I can’t be happy without you.”

  “I’m sorry, Alex,” she said softly. “I’m not leaving. I just got my father back and I can’t leave him, not now. I need to be here so we can try to build back some of what we lost.” Clair stood up
and walked to the door, opening it. “I’m really sorry it has to be this way.”

  Alex smirked as he went to the door. He felt like he was a nobody and what they had meant nothing. “You’re sorry? Sorry for whom, me or you? Because right now, it seems like you’re sorry for me and you just want me out of your life.” He held his hands up in surrender as he stepped outside the door, “Obviously, what I thought we had together didn’t mean as much to you as it did me. What a fool I was for believing… for believing in us… that this relationship was worth taking a chance on.” His voice was cracking and he needed to get out of there before he fell apart.

  He hurried down the short flight of steps, his fists clenched, biting his lip as he fought hard not to cry. But when he turned around and saw no emotion on her face, the floodgates opened. Tears slid down his cheeks as he stared at her in disbelief. “Thanks for doing me a favor. Now I’ll never have to wonder if you really did love me. You’ve made it loud and clear.” He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. Turning from her, Alex walked quickly to his truck and heard Clair’s footsteps behind him. She yelled his name, but he couldn’t turn around to look at her. It hurt too much.

  “Alex, wait! Please. I never said that I didn’t love you,” she cried. “I’m just doing what I think is best… for both of us.”

  Wrenching his car door open, he turned to look at her one last time. “No, Clair. That’s just it; you’re doing what’s best for you. You don’t give a shit about me! I may be the one leaving, but you’re the one giving up everything and walking away.” He laughed smugly, “You’re right though, it’s better we split up now. It’d be pretty fucked up if I went and did something stupid like ask you to marry me.” She gasped, making Alex realize the gravity of what he’d just said. He took one last look at her before getting in his car. Clair shook her head while tears streamed down her checks. She was sobbing over everything she had just said to him, but he didn’t feel sorry about her tears. Not this time.