Innuendos (It Had 2 B U Book 1)

by V. Kelly

  “Well, look what the cat dragged in—the college girl—that whisper of a sister I know I have, but never see.” I get up from the bed and attack her with a brotherly hug. “It’s great to see you, Ev. What are you doing here?”

  She laughs. “Mom said you broke off your friendship with Breezy. She said you look like shit and could use a friendly face. She was right.” I notice there is some kind of accent in her voice that wasn’t there the last time I talked to her.

  “You’re talking funny,” I mention, cocking my head to the side.

  “I’m dating a guy who’s from England. I’ve sort of picked up his accent,” she grins.

  “Weren’t you dating a Spanish guy last time I talked to you?”

  “Yeah, we broke up.”

  “How come?”

  “He didn’t like the tacos I made him.”

  “Seriously? What guy breaks up with a girl over tacos?”

  She shrugs her shoulders. “I might have sorta lied about being Spanish,” she remarks picking at the skin on her arm. “When my accent started to falter and my broken Spanglish didn’t hold up anymore, he started questioning my authenticity, but it was when my Mexican cuisine didn’t taste Mexican that he dumped me for lying to him. At least our tanned Italian skin and dark hair got me by for three months.”

  “What is it with you and dating guys with accents?”

  “I don’t know. They’re hot. They get my panties all wet and stuff,” she laughs when my face turns in disgust. My little sister DOES NOT need to be having sex.

  “Do me a favor . . . never talk to me about your wet panties again!”

  “Aww, Max, does it embarrass you?”

  “It grosses me out.”

  “Yes!” she shouts, “My mission is complete.” She pumps her fist in the air.

  “So what’s with the new accent?”

  “I told you, my boyfriend is from England. I sorta adopted his accent and culture.”

  “So now you’re English?”

  “Have you tried tea and crumpets? The combination is amazing!”

  “What’s the new boyfriend’s name? Does he realize you’re not English?”

  “Leo, and no. He thinks I spent a couple years in Cambridge. I have the accent down pretty good, don’t you think?”

  “Holy fuck, you really are an accent hussy!”

  She giggles. “Damn straight I am! Give me an accented man over your average run of the mill Joe any day of the week. I plan on marrying a man with an accent. That way when I have sex, I’m wet all of the time.”

  “Stop it! No more sex talk. You’re killing me, Ev.” I hate how evil her smile is. She loves making me squirm.

  “Fine, no more sex talk. What’s your plans this weekend?”

  “Nothing yet. You’re looking at it.”

  “We should go out,” she exclaims happily. “Let’s do something fun to keep your mind off Breezy.”

  “Okay, like what?”

  As if on cue, my phone chirps. It’s Dashawn.

  Dashawn: Mags wants to Karaoke tomorrow night. She has a friend she wants you to meet. Wanna double?

  Me: I hate Karaoke

  Dashawn: Me too

  My phone chirps again. This time it’s Maggie.

  Maggie: You need to come. The girl I want to hook you up with is amazing and absolutely perfect for you. Please, Max. You need to get out of your damn house.

  Dashawn: Listen to her man. If anything, you can pick up some other chick at the bar.

  Me: I don’t know. My sister is here.

  Maggie: Bring her along

  Dashawn: What’s that little brat up to nowadays?

  Me: Trouble. This two text message thing is confusing.

  Maggie: Will you come?

  Me: I guess, but only because Ev is begging me to get out of the house.

  Maggie: Awesome, meet us at OK Karaoke at seven.

  Me: Will do.

  I hang up my phone and look at Everly. “It looks like we’re going karaoking tomorrow night.”

  “Yes! I love singing.”

  “Why doesn’t that surprise me? Be ready by seven. How long are you staying this time?”

  “Just for the weekend, although, you’re stuck with me after next month.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I’m moving back home after graduation. I’m going to have to find a job, but I miss you guys and want to come home.”

  “What about Luther?”

  “Leo. He’s going to find out I’m not English, sometime. No use in pretending that the relationship will last after he finds out I’m lying.”

  “Exactly how many boys with accents have broken up with you because of your lying anyway?”

  “Seven.”

  “You’ve dated seven guys in the last five years?”

  “No, I’ve fucked seven guys with accents in the last five years. I’ve only had two relationships, meaning they lasted longer than a month—not including Leo.”

  “I’m buying you a chastity belt; then I’m throwing away the key.”

  “Face it, Max. Your little sister isn’t so little anymore. My vagina has almost been to all seven continents, and dipped in at least nine different cultures.”

  “Nine? Why is the number increasing?”

  “I may have forgotten a couple. The number is closer to ten.”

  “Holy shit, not only is my sister an accent hussy, she’s also a floozy.” I run my hand through my hair and try to grasp the fact my sister openly admits to being easy. She’s like my female doppelganger. I gotta put a stop to this shit, and soon.

  “I’m so not a floozy. Think of it like I’m expanding my horizons. I’m cultured now.” Her smile says she’s proud of herself. My stomach clenches in disapproval. I hate thinking of her playing around with sex this way.”

  “Cultured in dick,” I smart.

  “That, too. Did you know that Jamaicans are really well endowed?”

  I groan, “Fuck, Everly. Just stop.”

  She laughs hysterically. “You’re way too easy, Max,” she grins. “Come on. Let’s go find something to eat. I’m thinking Mexican.”

  “Not English?”

  “Max, they don’t make English food, you idiot. Now come on; this will be your treat.

  Friday night came too quickly. In all honesty, going out and hanging with my friends is probably exactly what I need, but I’m seriously dreading doing anything right now. Everywhere I go, everything I do, somehow it all reminds me of Breezy.

  Everly smacks my arm when we get to the bar and laughs. “No wallowing. Tonight we’re having fun—possibly getting you laid in the process.

  “I’m not sure having fun and getting laid is possible tonight. My dick just doesn’t get happy anymore.”

  “Well, I’ve heard pussy is a natural cure for an unhappy dick. Seriously, it’s like a reverse enema.”

  “You’re disgusting,” I say laughing.

  “Sorry, I had to take a basic nursing class while in school. I learned a lot.”

  “What does a basic nursing class have to do with business?”

  “Nothing, I took it before I picked my major. All it took was seeing blood and changing a bed pan for me to change my major. Everly and body fluids don’t mix like that. So where are these friends of yours?”

  I notice Dashawn and Maggie off in the corner. They’re alone. I guess my date didn’t want to show. I place my hand on Everly’s elbow and guide her through the crowd. Maggie smiles brightly when she sees us.

  “You must be Max’s sister!” she exclaims.

  “Everly,” Everly tells her. “Thanks for inviting me. My brother here is a bit of a dud right now. He needs to get fucked A.S.A.P. Where’s the girl you set him up with?”

  I don’t remember my sister having this much of a potty mouth before. Nor do I remember her being this crass and forward.

  “She’s running behind. She should be here after a while.”

  I nervously drum my fingers on the table and look
around. The place is already starting to crowd, and unfortunately the only thing we can see right now is a sea of heads and the fat Asian woman butchering Kelly Clarkson’s Because of You on the stage.

  “She’s awesome!” Everly exclaims. “She’s got the donkey mating call down pat.”

  Maggie giggles. “Max, you never told me your sister was funny.”

  “I didn’t know,” I mumble shooting my sister a confused look. This girl is nothing like I remember. No more Barbie dolls and kitten obsessions; it’s all dick and accents now. I notice a round of drinks on the table, and I down my first beer in three gulps.

  “Geesh, Max, slow down,” Dashawn scolds. “You’re date isn’t even here yet.”

  Date. It’s like a rotten egg. The word festers in my mouth as I try to think about who on Earth is perfect for me that’s not Breezy. All women are beautiful, but only one is perfect in my eyes.

  “So, Everly, how long are you in town for?” Maggie asks.

  “This weekend, but I graduate in a month and plan on moving back here. I miss home. I gotta find a job though, which sucks.

  “What’s your major?”

  “Business. I’m not sure where I’m going to take that, either.”

  Dashawn’s face lights up. “Max, you didn’t tell her?”

  “Tell me what?” Everly asks, taking a sip off the margarita Maggie bought for her.

  “I’m getting my own gym, and I asked Max here to be my partner. We’re looking for a business manager.”

  “No shit? Max, why didn’t you tell me?” Everly yells. Asian Kelly finishes her song, and now a very tall guy with a ZZ Top beard graces the stage. It’s no surprise that he breaks into a pretty accurate rendition of Sharp Dressed Man.

  “I haven’t decided yet,” I motion for the waitress and order another round of drinks. I’m so getting wasted tonight.

  “Well, I’m deciding for you. He’s in. I’m applying for your business manager position. I’m organized and driven. I’m also dedicated to fitness, if you couldn’t tell. I also have human resources experience working for a small trucking company. If you need someone to pay your employees, I’m your girl!”

  “You’re hired,” Dashawn exclaims excitedly.

  “Wait, don’t I get a say in this? There’s no way I want to work with her scrawny ass every day.”

  “You don’t have a choice. I’m perfect and you know it!” She opens her mouth to say something else when she notices a guy across the bar staring at her. He looks vaguely familiar, and I realize he comes into the gym a lot. I think his name is Caleb. He notices me and waves.

  “Hey, isn’t that Caleb?” Dashawn asks.

  “Yeah,” I answer watching attentively as Caleb makes his way over to our table.

  “Hey, Max, Dashawn, how’s it hanging?” His eyes wander to my sister and he smiles. The smile on her face fades, and she busies herself with her drink. My sister lost all interest in him when she heard his voice. Obviously, it really is a guy with an accent that attracts her. She makes an obnoxious sound over her straw and rolls her eyes. Well, aren’t we suddenly snippy?

  “We’re hoping Max here will cheer the fuck up and get up on that stage to sing some karaoke,” Maggie answers. “I’m thinking It’s Raining Men. You and Dashawn can sing backup. I’m Maggie by the way. I’ve seen you around the gym. You have a very nice right hook.”

  “Right hook?” Everly asks.

  Caleb grins. “I’m a light weight boxing champ. I’m hoping to be a professional fighter within the next year. I’m really good.”

  Everly rolls her eyes again.

  “This is my sister, Everly,” I introduce them.

  “Beautiful name, for a beautiful girl.”

  “Hey, Caleb, it would be in your best interest not to hit on my sister while I’m in the room. I like you, but I will punch you in your goddamn mouth.”

  “Don’t worry, Max. He’s not my type. I don’t date cocky.”

  Caleb laughs. “I’m not cocky, Baby. I’m honest.”

  “Honestly cocky,” she grits her teeth. “Do you mind? We’re trying to have a good time tonight, and your cockiness is sucking away my buzz. Now, shoo, go away.” She dismisses him with her hand, and he looks at me in confusion.

  “She’s a ball-buster, man. What can I say?” I’m proud of Everly. At least I know that she can hold her own when assholes hit on her—not that Caleb is an asshole, he just can’t hit on my sister.

  “Um, nice meeting you all,” he says, his eyes never leaving Everly. “Especially you, with the mouth.” His gaze is directly on her lips. When she scowls at him, he grins.

  “Did you forget my name, already?”

  “Nope,” he winks at her and walks away.

  “Ugh, are all muscled men morons?” She directs her comment to Maggie who’s giggling away in the corner.

  “Hey, I take offense to that,” I shout in defense.

  Everly looks over at me and winces. “See what I mean?” she grabs my shirt and lifts it. “Muscles.” She motions to my chest, and then she points to my head, “Moron.”

  “You’re an ass,” I tell her, ruffling up her hair.

  “I can’t help it if your IQ matches your body type.”

  “One of these days your mouth is going to get you into trouble.”

  She laughs, “Of course my mouth gets me into trouble. I’m awesome at giving . . .”

  “Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.” I cover my ears and shout.

  Maggie and Dashawn laugh.

  “You can totally tell that you two are siblings,” Maggie exclaims.

  “Don’t remind me.” I revert back to my earlier thought of Everly being my female doppelganger and cringe.

  “Aww, Max, you love me and you know it.”

  When two hours pass and my supposed date still hasn’t shown, I’m over being at the bar. I’ve sat through ten botched versions of Pink songs, and one amazing cover of Queen’s Somebody to Love, sung by a barely legal redhead. Even after she finishes, my eyes follow her. She’s gorgeous: thin but curvy, tall but shorter than me. Her sexy, red, curly hair reminds me of Merida from Brave. She has an amazing smile that has successfully captured my attention. My dick stirs in my pants, and it almost makes me jump.

  Holy shit, he does work.

  “My friend should be here any minute,” Maggie tells me, when she sees my line of vision. I’ve barely seen Maggie tonight. She keeps disappearing. Frankly, I don’t care who her friend is, not after seeing this ginger gem.

  “Tell her not to bother coming. I’m going to talk to that red head.”

  Maggie makes a sound of protest, but I’m already gone. The red-head notices me walking over to her and smiles. She’s sitting at the bar, her legs are crossed, and she’s wearing a provocative, low-cut, black dress. She’s talking to some guy at the bar until I stop in front of her.

  “You were really good up there.”

  “Thanks.” Her cheeks go pink.

  “Sorry if this sounds too forward, but I’ve drank way too much tonight and my filter is broken. I think you’re incredibly sexy and was wondering if you wanted to spend the night together?”

  “I don’t even know your name,” she giggles.

  “Does it matter? Are you attracted to me?”

  She nods.

  “Do you want to fuck me?”

  She shrugs her shoulders.

  I walk up until my mouth is directly on her ear. “How about my tongue? Do you want my tongue between your legs until you’re screaming so loud the cops are called?”

  She whimpers, “Yes, please.”

  “Then let’s get out of here. We’re going to your place. If you don’t have a place, we’ll find one.” The old Max is back and horny. The old Max needs a distraction from the constant chatter of Breezy that’s invading his mind.

  She quickly scrambles from the bar, and I wrap my hand around her waist. I briefly say goodbye to my friends, and ask Dashawn to take my sister home. She’s not at the table when I walk over.
I’m practically running towards the door with my ginger goddess. As my hand hits the bar that opens the door, the microphone squeals with feedback and a familiar voice filters in.

  “This song is dedicated to Max. I’m sorry I didn’t realize how much you meant to me until you were gone. There hasn’t been a moment that’s gone by in the last eight days that I haven’t been thinking about you. I was stupid to think we could never be more than friends. I’m sorry it took me ten years to realize that the man I want to spend the rest of my life with has been next to me this whole time. Max, you’re my crutch, my rock, my best friend, and the love of my life. I understand if you don’t want to forgive me, but I need you to know that I’m in love with you. If I have to, I will spend the next ten years trying to win you over.”

  I’m completely frozen by the entrance, my fingers hovering on the door. Red head looks at me in confusion when tears begin to flood my eyes. She yanks on my hand and uses her back to open the door, but I refuse to budge. This must be a dream. It can’t be my Breezy up there. She’s not professing her love for me. Then the music starts . . . Barbie Girl. It has to be her. Breezy can’t sing. She’s got a severe problem with stage fright when it comes to being in front of crowds, and yet as I turn around, my tear-filled eyes meet hers. There she is standing up on the stage, shaking like a leaf. Her beauty shines through the petrified layer of nerves and horrible karaoke. She’s sobbing and yet still manages to belt out the song. I rip my hand from the red-head’s and give her a shrug when she asks me what the fuck I’m doing. Quickly I make my way through the crowd and just as the song hits the guy part. I vault onto the stage, ripping the microphone away from her.

  She’s laughing and bawling as I croak through Ken’s lines like a champ. Taking the microphone back from me, she continues to play Barbie. We do this until almost the end of the song, when both of us can’t take being this close to each other without touching. She drops the microphone, hurtles herself into my arms, and crushes her lips against mine.

  “I love you,” she whispers. “I almost died without you, Max. You’re my world—my everything. Without you, I am nothing. Please don’t make us go through any more time apart. I’ve learned my lesson now.”

  I laugh, wiping the tears from her cheeks. “Do you really mean it?”