Of Fire and Stars

by Audrey Coulthurst

  “I didn’t expect that,” she finally said, squeezing my hand.

  “Me either. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before.” I looked into her eyes, hoping she would understand.

  “I haven’t either.” She exhaled shakily.

  “I didn’t know. If I had thought you felt the same way about me that I felt about you . . .”

  Her eyes snapped up to meet mine. “You mean you’ve had feelings for a while?”

  “Yes.” I blushed. “But I didn’t know if you did.”

  “Well, now you know the answer.”

  She pulled me close. I inhaled the perfect smell of her, the spice and the sweetness heady and intoxicating. She tipped my chin up and brushed her lips over mine again, stirring a hunger deep inside me. I put my arms around her neck to draw her even closer. I needed her to teach me how this was done. My head swam with the sound of her voice and the feel of her lips.

  She kissed me until I was breathless, until I could hardly see straight or stand upright. And even though I was exhausted and she insisted she had to go, I could hardly bear to stop touching her. Her face looked different than I’d ever seen it before, flushed with exhilaration that I had wrought. The tears were gone from her cheeks, replaced with a ruddy glow that came from more than the fire.

  We walked hand in hand to the window, each pace as slow as I could make it. When I shivered from the cold air blowing in, she engulfed me in her arms again. A sigh escaped my lips as I pressed my head into her shoulder. She rested her chin on top of my head, putting her neck in a convenient place for kissing.

  “If you don’t stop that, I’m not going to be able to leave,” she said.

  “That’s exactly my plan,” I mumbled between kisses, enjoying the way her pulse fluttered against my lips. I never wanted to stop.

  “You aren’t making this easy.”

  “Can you come back later?” I looked up at her hopefully.

  “I can’t,” she groaned. “I’m already late, and I promised Nils and his friends a round of cards. He’s already been complaining that he hasn’t seen me in days.”

  “Well, I’ll let you go on one condition . . . you have to come back tomorrow. And stay.” My own boldness shocked me, but I wanted her so badly I didn’t care.

  “I think I can manage that.” Her smile curled against my cheek.

  When she disappeared out the window, I watched until my teeth chattered with the cold, finally closing the shutters when I was certain she wasn’t coming back. I didn’t know what had come over me. I couldn’t bear to see Mare hurting so much. I had tried to bury my love for her, knowing my marriage prevented a future for us. But this—her feeling the same—I was unprepared for. Guilt ate at me as I thought of Thandi, but all I wanted was to revel in knowing she loved me.

  THIRTY-TWO

  Mare

  I JOGGED AROUND THE CASTLE TO A BACK ENTRANCE that I sometimes used coming back from the barn. The liegemen at the door didn’t spare me more than a cursory glance. Perhaps the cold air was excuse enough for the red in my cheeks. The low hum of conversation greeted me as I crossed the wide room and made my way among well-worn tables that mostly stood empty. A few groups clustered over games of cards, sipping from heavy mugs of strong black tea to keep themselves awake for the night shift. I swept my hands through my hair in a weak attempt to tidy myself as I approached the table where Nils sat. I’d never hear the end of it from the men if they thought I’d been with someone, and there sure as all Six Hells wasn’t any way I’d tell them the truth.

  “Heya, Mare!” Rowlan, one of Nils’s friends, waved at me. Nils turned around to face me, a welcoming grin on his face. The familiar warmth of his brown eyes brought me back down to earth a little. I strode over to his table and slid in beside him. Unfortunately, there was one person at the table I hadn’t been counting on.

  “Late as usual. What a surprise,” Thandi said by way of greeting.

  “Didn’t expect to see you slumming it down here,” I said. Seeing him brought me back to reality with the force of a winter storm. Denna still belonged to him. Even if she loved me, she hadn’t made me any promises.

  “They’re my friends, too. Besides, I like a game of quat as much as you do.” He was full of manure as usual. The only one he could call much of a friend was Rowlan, and that was only because they were regular sparring partners in arms class. I doubted any of the liegemen would step above their station by claiming to be friends with the future king.

  “Funny that you like the game even though I always manage to beat you,” I replied.

  The other guys at the table chuckled at the challenge, jostling one another as they always did.

  “You can take my place, Mare. I’m on duty in less than a sunlength—lots to do before the Gathering tomorrow.” Brin, another of Nils’s friends, tossed his hand down onto the table and stood up.

  “Thanks.” I switched to Nils’s other side and slid into Brin’s place. It put me at a diagonal from Thandi, which was better than facing him straight on. Looking at him across the table, I was torn between guilt and pride. She loved me. She had kissed me.

  “So where were you?” Nils asked between turns.

  “I lost track of time. Sorry.” I stared at the table, my fingers twitching on my cards.

  He sat back, an amused smile on his face. “Really?”

  “Probably with Lord Kriantz getting aroused over horseflesh.” Thandi rolled his eyes.

  If only he knew how wrong he was. Still, my cheeks burned. The men laughed, all looking at me now.

  “I wasn’t with him, not that it’s any of your business,” I finally managed to stammer.

  A flash of understanding crossed Nils’s face, and he sat back upright. “I heard you’ve been having trouble with Lessi, Rowlan. She still got you by the short hairs?”

  Rowlan groaned and put his head in his hands, earning another round of laughter from the table and blessedly putting attention elsewhere.

  “She wants me to dress as a cat for the harvest masque in town. Can you believe it? A blasted cat!”

  “She’ll probably put a bow with a little bell around your neck.” I snickered.

  Rowlan’s expression morphed from dismay to raw horror. “I’m never going to live this down. Never.”

  “You’ve got that much right,” Nils said, wiping tears of laughter from his eyes.

  “What about you, Thandi? How’s the pretty princess from Havemont?” Rowlan asked, clearly desperate to change the topic of conversation.

  Thandi shrugged. “She’s clever, and we get along well. It’s about the best one can hope for from an arranged marriage. She’ll make a fine queen.”

  I feigned interest in my hand, shuffling the cards back and forth in no particular order. If any of them deduced my opinion on the topic, I was doomed. Part of me was relieved that he didn’t seem overly keen on Denna, but his lack of appreciation for her also made me want to kick him. She deserved more.

  “So have you gotten anywhere with her yet?” Rowlan waggled his eyebrows.

  Thandi played his card and smiled slyly. “What do you think?”

  If I could have gotten away with smacking the smirk off his face, I would have. And the worst part was that I didn’t know if he was bluffing. Ice coursed through my veins at the thought of him touching her. She couldn’t have kissed him, could she?

  “That’s a definite yes, then,” Rowlan said. “Dammit, I’m out of trump cards. You always block me, Thandi.”

  “Romancing her a little can’t hurt. We’re stuck together either way,” Thandi said.

  He had definitely kissed her. I dug my fingernails into my thigh as everyone else laughed. It was true—they were stuck together, moving toward the same unchangeable goal. It would leave me wanting. I played a trump and took all but two of Thandi’s counters off the table. Beating him didn’t hold the sweetness it might have before I knew he’d kissed her.

  “Damn. You always have the card you need at the end.” Nils shook his h
ead.

  “‘Pennies come to the patient,’” I quoted.

  “Dammit, Mare,” Thandi cursed, taking back the counters he’d managed to keep on the board.

  “Nothing you don’t deserve,” I said.

  The longer I sat at the table, the heavier my limbs felt. The lightness of being with Denna dissipated, replaced with the reality that she was destined for my brother. I had to choose a future. And though it would break my heart to leave her, it would destroy my soul to stay.

  “Are you all right?” Nils turned to me with concern in his eyes.

  “Kind of tired. I’d better go,” I said.

  “I’ll walk you part of the way.”

  I didn’t have the heart to object, so I waved good-bye to the other players and my brother, though I didn’t meet his eyes. I knew what I would see there. Confidence. Arrogance. A future of certainty before him, married to the girl I loved.

  “What is wrong with you?” Nils asked, putting his arm around me. “You came in there high as a kite and now you look like you want to vomit or punch something. Maybe both.”

  “I do,” I growled, and shrugged his arm off.

  “So . . . do you want to elaborate on that?”

  “My brother is such an arrogant ass. Doesn’t appreciate a damn thing he has.”

  “I assume you’re not talking about all this.” Nils gestured to our surroundings.

  “I’m talking about Denna. It’s like she’s an object, another thing he gets to have because he’s going to be king someday.”

  Nils cocked his head to the side but didn’t speak.

  “She’s worth so much more than that, but he doesn’t see it. There’s so much she can do for this kingdom, and no one is giving her any opportunity.” My vehemence grew the longer I went on.

  “I’m not sure that’s exactly what he was saying,” Nils said. “I mean, it is an arranged marriage. A political alliance. You’re lucky if you so much as get along with a person you’re stuck marrying, from what I understand. And he seems to appreciate her intelligence and think she’ll make a good queen.”

  “I have to get out of here,” I said. “Maybe I should ask my father for some of the unclaimed territory up north. Go start a horse-training business.”

  “In the middle of nowhere? That should go well.”

  “I don’t want to watch the life of one of my closest friends be slowly ruined.” The explanation was less than half-assed. Her kisses still burned on my skin.

  “Why are you so upset about this? I know you’ve been spending a lot of time with her lately, but—”

  “I don’t know what to do.” I didn’t know how to admit what had happened between Denna and me. How it had changed everything.

  “It’s all right, little Mare. Choosing a direction for your future is a big decision. Think about the people here who love you . . . and the people you love.” His voice was gentle as he squeezed my shoulder.

  His words cut deep. My decisions were bigger than me, and Denna wasn’t the only one I loved. He mattered too. I took his arm until we reached the bottom of the stairs and then pulled him into a hug.

  “Thank you for being my safe place. And my best friend,” I said.

  “Of course,” he replied. “I always will be.”

  I gave him a farewell kiss on the cheek and climbed the four sets of stairs to my portion of the royal wing, but when I reached my hall, I found an unexpected guest. Lord Kriantz stood outside the door to my rooms.

  “What brings you to this drafty part of the castle?” I asked, trying to conceal the mess of emotions still warring within me.

  “There’s a small matter I wanted to discuss with you,” he said.

  I hoped to the Six he finally had some useful information about the Zumordan blade or the Recusants. Anything, really. I beckoned him into my receiving room and shut the door.

  “What was it you wanted to discuss?” I collapsed into one of the chairs without much dignity, already exhausted from the evening.

  “Marriage,” he said.

  My body went hot and then ice-cold in the space of a breath. I sat up in my chair, wide awake again.

  “You look like a spooked colt,” he said, smiling through his dark beard.

  “I apologize, my lord. It wasn’t what I expected you to say.” I couldn’t imagine what in the Sixth Hell he was thinking. I’d rather have horseshoe nails hammered into my skull than get married. Besides, I hardly even knew him.

  “You don’t need to decide right now,” he continued. “I did want to let you know that I’ve discussed it with King Aturnicus, and he is pleased by the idea of a match between us. However, obtaining your consent is equally important. I think it could be good for both of our kingdoms, and good for us as well.”

  “But why?” I asked. What deranged logic had led him to think marrying me was a good idea?

  “Your knowledge of horses would serve me well in the breeding program I’m developing.” He leaned forward. “I hope to create a new breed with the endurance of the desert horses and the strength of your Mynarian war steeds. I want a partner, not a piece of property, who can help me build Sonnenborne into a powerful kingdom, and I know that you would never settle for less. Since I’m the elected ruler of the tribes under my banner, which comprise the largest settlement in Sonnenborne, our marriage would also create an alliance between our two kingdoms. If Zumorda is truly behind the attacks on Mynaria, we must present a united front. Havemont, Mynaria, and Sonnenborne must stand as one. I don’t know how else we could expect to take on their forces.” He spoke with the passion of someone who believed in his mission.

  “I don’t know what to say,” I said. At least that was one thing it was easy to be honest about. I liked him well enough, but leaving Mynaria hadn’t ever been part of my plan—if the random bits of thought I had about my future could even be labeled a plan. But Lord Kriantz’s suggestion of a partnership was more than I would get from most suitors. And I was curious about his plans for the Sonnenborne horse-breeding program.

  “That’s why I don’t expect your decision at present. Please, take your time to consider my offer. The Gathering, harvest ball, and Thandilimon’s marriage are at the forefront right now anyway. The border raid has pushed up my timeline to return home, but I still want you to have some time to decide.”

  “Of course.” I was still too stunned to say anything else.

  “I’ll leave you to think, my lady. I am sure your day has been quite long enough.” He stood and walked past me to the door.

  “I’ll consider your offer,” I said, my mouth dry. As if I hadn’t already been confused enough.

  “I am glad to hear it. Good night, Mare.” He bowed slightly at the door, and favored me with another smile. “If there is anything else I can do for you in the meantime, please let me know.”

  “Good night, Endalan.”

  As the door closed behind him, images of my future flashed before my eyes, and I did not recognize myself in any of them. Was I ready to become a wife? A Lady of Sonnenborne? Gods forbid, a mother? I supposed he was handsome enough, though I had never spent more than a moment or two considering it. I stared into the fire long after he left, trying to get a grip on what to do. I couldn’t decide if I should stay or go, or if it was worth it to fight for Denna or better to walk away while we might still remember each other fondly. I didn’t know if I should try to go forward alone or take the easy way out that Lord Kriantz had offered. At least one thing about his proposal held appeal—my future would be on the back of a horse, and that was the one place I knew for certain I wanted to be.

  THIRTY-THREE

  Dennaleia

  EARLY-MORNING LIGHT FROM AN OVERCAST SKY GAVE everything a washed-out look, the restless hooves of the horses carving half-moon divots in the grass as we waited to depart for the Gathering. Somewhere out in the hills, the king’s broodmares and foals awaited us. My bones crawled with the hum of magic, and every time I thought of kissing Mare, it rose dangerously close to the s
urface. My reservations about riding out intensified as Shadow and I joined the other gatherers at the base of the hills. If I set something on fire, the most important members of the Mynarian court would be the first to see it.

  “Ready for the ride?” Ellaeni asked as I approached the group, running her hand down the dappled neck of her gray horse.

  “As ready as I will ever be,” I said, easing Shadow to a stop beside her. “Any news from Claera?”

  Ellaeni shook her head, her face somber. “My mother sent word that the canal riots have ceased and most of the local Recusant factions have been dismantled. But many people went missing over the past moon. Claera would never reach out to my parents anyway, even in desperation. Not after how they’ve treated her.”

  “I’m so sorry,” I said.

  We fell into a grim silence.

  A brisk wind stirred the horses, making them fidget and champ at their bits. More than twenty nobles and liegemen waited near us on horseback, while another dozen or so circled the outdoor arena to warm up. I scanned the crowd for Mare and Flicker, craning my neck in hopes of catching a glimpse of her bright hair or Flicker’s telltale white sock. Maybe having her nearby would put me more at ease. I needed to see her face and know that the previous night hadn’t been a dream. Shadow sidestepped, agitated by my tension, and Ellaeni’s gelding pinned his ears. I patted Shadow absently and tried to take steady breaths.

  With no hope of rest after Mare’s departure last night, I had frantically thumbed through the pages of the green book from the library. I thought about using Karov’s feather, but my skin crawled every time I thought of his weapon and how keen his interest in me was. I couldn’t trust him. Even if my magic couldn’t be entirely hidden, there had to be ways to stop it from surging at random. But according to the book, control was even more elusive for those with multiple gifts, as the rules that applied to one Affinity might not apply to another.

  When I couldn’t make sense of any more words, I came back to the picture that had caught my eye in the library. Even in the midst of the storm of fire and stars, the mage looked calm and in control.