Sequins and Snowflakes

by Jane Linfoot

  ‘Oh my poor Johnny.’ I put my hand on top of his and squeeze, because what he’s saying is literally wringing my heart out too. If only he’d said, I’d have stayed with him in a heartbeat. But there’s no point labouring that now. ‘I actually loved you so much, I wouldn’t have minded.’ I just wish I’d believed in myself enough back then to tell him.

  He squeezes my fingers in return. ‘Thank you for saying that. Actually there were some very hard times. Having a child wasn’t what I planned, the shock took a few years to adjust to. But I wouldn’t change it now. If there’s anything good about being years late getting together, it’s that you’ve missed the difficult parts. ’

  The way he’s talking about getting together as if we are is warming me up as much as the steaming coffee.

  He wrinkles up his nose. ‘I was pretty tied up with Jake. A couple of times when I did meet people, there was always something missing. It wasn’t right, because they weren’t you.’

  I’m beaming and it’s from sheer relief. ‘Same here. No one else compared, so I could never be bothered.’ As we’re being totally honest here, I’m going to have to tell him. ‘Actually I didn’t lose my phone all those years ago. When I came back to be with Gran, the one thing I’d pinned my hopes on was us meeting up again. I was so disappointed when you didn’t text back, after two weeks of waiting I flung my phone in the harbour. How stupid is that?’

  His sigh is deep. ‘No more stupid than me not being open about how I felt in the first place.’ He pulls down the corners of his mouth. ‘We’re older now; Jake’s older too. We’re at a better place in our lives. We’re both old enough to know what we want – at least I know I do.’

  Awesome doesn’t begin to cover it. ‘Me too. And we’re both established in our careers. I thought I was grown up, but it’s strange how much this last week has changed me. I always felt like the family failure, but I don’t any more. Helping make the wedding happen let me find my super-powers.’

  Johnny laughs. ‘I always knew about those, though. They’re why no one else ever came close.’

  If I was on a cloud of happiness yesterday, today it’s like I’ve landed on the moon. I half-close my eyes and lean towards him. I can almost taste the spicy warmth of the kiss even before it arrives. A few seconds later, when he still hasn’t met my lips, I open my eyes to see where he is. He’s a mile away. Not even close.

  As he pulls his gaze back from where he’s been staring down to the beach, his brow furrows into a frown. ‘There’s still a little bit more to say…’ His hand lands on my knee. ‘About Jake.’

  ‘Have you got any pictures?’ I don’t want to push, but at the same time I’m longing to know what he looks like.

  Johnny’s eyebrows go up. ‘Only about five thousand. Would you like to see a couple? I sorted some specially.’ As he pulls out his phone the lines on his face soften. ‘I’m bit of a proud-dad bore, so cut me off before I send you to sleep.’

  My pulse is pounding with anticipation. As I lean in for the first close-up, for a second my voice whooshes away, because the resemblance is huge. The boy looking back at me is like a junior Johnny. ‘Oh my, he’s got exactly the same grin as you. And your floppy brown hair.’ I reach out and push back the same piece that’s trailing down over Johnny’s forehead.

  ‘We are both ridiculously good-looking, obviously.’ Johnny’s cheeks crease as he smiles and he flicks through the next few photos.

  As I snuggle against the warmth of Johnny’s elbow, I’m watching Jake on a pony, Jake sitting in the sea, Jake lying back on his pillows, laughing like a mini-version of his dad. ‘Hey, nice pyjamas…’

  ‘Superman ones. They’re ironic, obviously.’

  As he flicks onto wider views, I catch a glimpse of Jake on arm crutches and my heart gives a jump. Then we’re back to ponies, one with a birthday cake and candles, the next one Jake’s in a wheelchair. And in the next too. And my stomach is contracting and my heart is aching, and somehow I’m putting my arm around Johnny. ‘So are you going to tell me about it, then?’

  As he turns towards me his voice is low. ‘The wheelchair’s because he has a lot of problems with his joints. There were complications with the meningitis. There was brain damage, he has epilepsy too.’

  ‘Oh no…’ I’m so shocked I can barely manage a whisper.

  Johnny rubs his jaw. ‘We were so close to losing him. But when it happens, believe me, you’d settle for anything to get to keep them with you.’

  ‘I’m so sorry.’

  ‘He was only four, but he was so damned brave. I’d have given the world for it to have been me not him.’

  ‘Four?’ However hard I swallow, my face is crumpling. As I stand up, he turns and I fit into the gap between his knees. ‘That must have been so awful.’

  He drags me towards him. ‘It’s that cliché – every parent’s worst nightmare. At the time it felt like it was happening to someone else. You contacted me a few days in, but eventually I got it together to ring, then sent a text explaining what had been going on. Hoping to meet up. I thought you didn’t get back to me because you couldn’t cope and didn’t want to get involved. It’s why I didn’t try to find you.’

  Worse and worse. ‘I’d never think like that.’ As I press my cheek against his there are tears streaming down both our faces.

  ‘I know that now.’ As he crushes me against him, his chest is shuddering.

  My tears are soaking his sweatshirt, but I don’t care.

  Johnny is rubbing his nose and sniffing, ‘It’s actually way more okay than you think. Jake’s amazing. Life is about what we can do, not what we can’t. You’ll find out when you meet him.’

  ‘I’d really like that.’

  Our foreheads are touching as his dark-brown eyes meet mine, I see his lashes are clumped.

  I nod. No wonder Alice told me Johnny needed someone to love him. ‘I might be years late, but I’m getting back to you now. I would like to see you again. Very much. And I can’t think of anything better than spending time together. And getting to know Jake too.’

  His lips twitch into a smile. ‘That’s exactly the answer I was hoping for. We’ve got so long to make up for. And there’s so much to find out about each other. I can’t wait.’

  He’s so right about that. ‘That’s true. I still don’t even know where you actually live, because I’ve been trying not to ask questions. Or what on earth we’re going to do once the wedding’s over and you go away again… Or how we’ll ever mesh our lives…’ I’m sounding panicky because I am. That’s how it is with huge events. You’re so busy working up to them, you don’t get to see beyond them. Regardless of Johnny, my life plans never got beyond the day after Boxing Day, when the wedding ends. And the clearing up, obviously.

  Johnny laughs. ‘For starters, I’m in Bristol, which isn’t so far away. In a flat that’s way too big for me, and desperately in need of someone to leave their leopard print leggings on the floor and make it feel like home.’

  I want to hug him more than ever. ‘I could maybe help you out with that one.’

  He pulls me towards him and rests his chin on my head. ‘Don’t worry. We’ve got a lot of catching up to do, but I promise, I’ll do whatever it takes to make this work. Think of it as an adventure, we’ll go one step at a time. So long as we’re together, there’s no rush.’

  ‘Together sounds good.’

  ‘So what do you say to Christmas dinner for our first date? Once we’ve had our next Christmas Morning kiss, obviously.’

  ‘That would be…’ Perfect. Except I never get to the last bit, because his lips land on mine. And a second later I dive into the deepest mocha-and-mince-pie snog of my life.

  54

  Sunday, December 25th, Christmas Day

  In the ballroom at Rose Hill Manor: Lashings of sauce

  Christmas dinner for a hundred and fifty the afternoon after a huge wedding could be chaotic. Hog roast, with all the trimmings. Apple sauce, sage and onion stuffing, the crispiest
roast potatoes in the world ever, Yorkshire puddings, mash, roast parsnips, sausages, pigs-in-blankets, a zillion different vegetables and ladlefuls of gravy. With stuffed courgettes and filo parcels for the vegetarians. And in the event, it’s mayhem. Every one of Alice’s glasses are in use again. But somehow it works. And it’s beyond delicious.

  Rafe and Poppy were supposed to be having lunch with his family, but they come over afterwards and still arrive in time to eat a second lunch with us. It turns out Rafe and Johnny could talk for England about horses and machinery, and we let them get on with it. Immie and Chas are there too, with Immie’s son Morgan. Jules has come along, complete with his mum, and her hollow legs. And between us, she’s looking so stunning, I suspect she had the entire make-up team to work on her before she left. Jules is ecstatic to expand the wedding album into his first coverage of a house party. And Jess is here too. She’s sweet-talked her latest conquest slash pick-up into driving her over, so she doesn’t have to hold back on the macaroons. As for the cocktails, it’s like Jaggers’ White Christmas Night revisited.

  It’s lovely to have all my friends around me.

  Somewhere in between clearing the plates and the arrival of the flaming Christmas puddings Alice comes over to our Brides by the Sea cluster. All it takes is one small nod from her. Next thing, she’s herding me off to the deserted winter garden with all the expertise of a sheepdog splitting a single sheep from the flock. Which just goes to show, I’ve still got a lot to learn in the people-handling area, but whatever. At least I’ve made a start.

  She waits until we’re an inch through the door and then she swoops. ‘So how did it go at the beach with Johnny? Did you find out what the problem was?’

  If she’d stuck to the first question, it would have been easier. There are times when the only way forward is to come straight out with it. And fast. Like now. ‘There was a pregnancy test in my bathroom, Johnny thought it was mine and assumed I was with someone else.’ On balance I decide to leave out the word ‘pregnant’.

  Alice’s mouth is open. ‘Bloody hell, Sera, I’m so sorry, that was my fault. I never thought.’ At least that’s got the admission over. ‘On the upside, I forgot to say earlier, but while I was there peeing on sticks in your bathroom, I did bring your slippers back.’

  ‘Thanks for that.’ I’m shaking my head and laughing at the same time. ‘So should I be saying congratulations?’ It’s a very tentative enquiry. Whatever the evidence, if you’re going round asking people if they’re up the duff, you have to be a bit careful. I raise my eye brows, hold my breath and wait.

  But it’s fine, because Alice’s eyes are popping and her face lights up. ‘Yeeeess. It’s sooooo exciting.’ It comes out as a strangled squeal and she’s flapping her hands wildly. As she pulls me into a huge hug she drops her voice. ‘We’re keeping it to ourselves for now. But Dan’s totally over the moon.’

  Better and better. ‘Finding out you’re having a baby on Christmas morning – as presents go, they don’t come much better, do they?’

  Alice’s wild smile turns smugger. ‘Dan giving me my eternity ring on our first Christmas was a lot to compete with but I reckon my baby news has topped it.’

  ‘I’m so happy for you. When did you actually realise?’ Sorry, but I have to ask.

  She laughs. ‘I’ve been feeling sick for a while, but I thought it was nerves. You can imagine the stack of crystallised ginger I’ve got through. But the penny dropped that day at the shop. There’s no other reason you’d grow out of your wedding dress in a month. Not when you’re running around like a Bridezilla in a mist.’ She’s on the nail with that description, but I’m glad she said it, not me.

  I try to forget that I was the one who went haring around buying multi-packs of Clearblue, and look as if it just hit me now. ‘It’s obvious when you think about it.’ There’s no need to tell her Jess was onto her too.

  ‘Well, thanks for getting the tests. I didn’t take one before, because I didn’t want it to cloud my pre-wedding judgement. If the baby’s a girl, we’ll definitely be calling it Seraphina, though. Which shows you how hugely grateful I am.’

  ‘That’s so cool.’ I’m torn between being so touched, I’ve got a lump in my throat, and wanting to spare the poor baby the hell I went through as a child. ‘Although maybe don’t do that. It’s got so many letters, I was the last person in the class to be able to write my name.’

  ‘Maybe we could have it as a middle name, then.’ She gives a shrug and another guilty smile. ‘Actually, at the moment I’m calling it Ugg.’

  Heaven help us. Now I’ve heard it all. ‘Brilliant.’ If I’d wondered what project she was going to go on to after the wedding, I’ve found my answer. A baby. Perfect. Hours on from a positive test, she’s already organising names. Between us, it wouldn’t surprise me if she’d already started her baby-planner spread sheet.

  ‘No more Winter Warmers either.’ I take it this will come as the biggest shock of all to Alice, but her anticipated shriek of horror doesn’t come.

  ‘Hell no,’ she says. ‘Have you seen what’s in that stuff? It’s practically neat brandy.’

  Which reminds me of another piece of shocking news. ‘You might need to wave your “no sex” flag at Quinn and Hetty. He practically ate her under the mistletoe earlier.’

  Alice rolls her eyes. ‘That flag was for you, silly. You probably noticed, Quinn can be very persuasive, but he never sticks around. I refused to let him charm his way into your… well wherever… then break my baby sister’s heart. Whereas Hetty knows exactly what she’s doing and, what’s more, she’ll have a fabulous time. He’s got a reputation for being great in bed.’

  ‘Sorry?’

  ‘Don’t worry, Hetty will have him for breakfast, then spit him out.’

  Alice carries on. ‘So I take it from the snogging that you and Johnny sorted yourselves out?’

  Excuse me? I thought we were being pretty ‘hands off’ in public, although our thighs have practically been welded together since we came into the ballroom. Somehow, now he’s almost mine, I don’t want to let him go.

  ‘We did.’ Those two little words don’t quite express how much we’ve gone through. How much we mean to each other. ‘Thank you for the mercy-dash anyway. I couldn’t have done it without you.’

  As her hand lands on my arm, her frown is anxious. ‘And you know about…?’

  I nod. ‘His boy, Jake.’

  ‘I was asking Dan earlier, and he says Johnny’s a wonderful dad. Just think, we’ll all be able to go to the park together, how lovely will that be?’

  It’s great she’s embracing parenthood so enthusiastically for both of us, although I’m not sure she’s factored in the age gap there. I’m saved from explaining because Dan comes in and calls us back to the ballroom for Christmas pudding and rum sauce with lashings of cream. Then we work our way past a cheese course, through to coffee and chocolate logs, and homemade rum truffles. And just when we think we can’t eat or drink any more, Quinn sends the champagne round again. He does a toast and suggests we all come back and do the same again next year. As if.

  Then we move seamlessly on to opening the presents. Quinn gives the bridesmaids’ sweatshirts with our names on the back, and the message on the front ‘I will kiss guys for mince pies’. Looks like he’s covering all bases there. Dream on, Quinn. And Alice has bought us all silk pillow cases so we can sleep without getting folds in our faces and bed hair. Yay to that.

  And as Johnny and I are totally unprepared for presents, we make promises instead. He promises to teach me to ride and I promise to let him. I promise to knit him a jumper, but we both know that’s more to make him laugh than because it’s going to happen. And he promises me something really special for later and I say ‘back at you’ because I think I know where he’s going with that one.

  As for my own gifts, I give everyone key rings with stars made from driftwood and washed-up glass, and Christmas-tree ornaments made from shells from the beach, so they’ll alw
ays be reminded of the Christmas they came to St Aidan, when Alice and Dan got married. Although, between us, I doubt they’ll forget a wedding quite this mega in a hurry.

  55

  Sunday, December 25th, Christmas Day

  At Rose Hill Manor

  ‘So are you ready for your very special, once in a lifetime, present, Fi?’

  It’s a lot later when Johnny comes up to me in the ballroom, takes my hand and leads me out into the hallway. It’s ages since he left to prepare this special present, which I suspect is bedroom or bathroom-related. Maybe with a few gorgeous scented candles thrown in too. If we’re talking rose petals on the bed here, he’s been gone so long he’s pretty much had time to grow the roses, not just sprinkle them. I’m expecting to head for the stairs, so it’s a big surprise when we veer towards the front door.

  ‘Okay, put this on. Alice says it’s okay to borrow it.’ He’s holding up Alice’s huge white fur cape.

  I hesitate. ‘I know I’ve come a long way this last week, but I’m not sure I’m up to being a snow queen.’ Even if it is payback time for her borrowing my Uggs.

  Johnny laughs. ‘I get where you’re coming from. Here, take my parka instead.’

  So I do. I can’t believe it’s taken me so long to discover how amazing it is to wrap myself in my boyfriend’s coat. I’m guessing it’s okay to call him that. It’s as if I’m wearing his scent like an animal’s pelt. And, believe me, now I’ve finally found him again, I’ll be hanging on very tightly.

  Then as we open the door and head outside into the snow there’s a familiar snort, a stamping of hooves and a jingle of bells.