RYKER (Rogue Billionaires, Book Two)

by Olivia Chase

  Relief washes over me, followed by more anxiety. It’s not a yes, but it’s not a no either. “Why haven’t you decided?” And why hasn’t he told me himself?

  “I can’t answer that, Penelope. It’s not an easy decision. I just know that I wasn’t expecting her, and I have a life to live.”

  “Lots of great things in life are unexpected, Ethan.” Us, for example.

  “I’m not meant for parenting.”

  “That’s not true. I’ve seen you with the baby. You’re great. Nobody knows how to be a parent automatically. It takes practice.”

  “You do. It comes naturally to you.”

  “Like I said—practice. I’ve had plenty. You can have plenty, too.” My voice is strained. I don’t want to come across as begging or pleading, but this matters to me and I can’t just pretend that I don’t care. “I know I’m just the nanny here, but I think you’re meant for it more than you think. The universe doesn’t give us anything we can’t handle.”

  “Where’d you hear that, a fortune cookie?” He scoffs and brushes past me up the stairs.

  I’m too baffled to be hurt by his curt reply. I follow him upstairs. “It’s true. We’re greater than we think we are. We’re capable of handling so much in this life.”

  He whirls around. “Some of us have already handled enough for one lifetime.”

  But this is a baby, I want to tell him. Not pain, not family discord, not whatever trauma plagued him early on in life. This is a joyous thing. But I say nothing. Clearly, it’s not my place. Maybe he’s right. Maybe Lilly Belle would be better off with a warm family ready to love her. Who am I to have an opinion?

  “Just…let me think about things. Don’t push me.” Ethan’s eyes reflect confusion, pain.

  “Of course. I was just asking.”

  He heads to his bedroom. I don’t know if he’ll come to my room tonight or if this date is over now that the spell has been broken. Too many of life’s worries took control, but I had to know. If Lilly Belle is leaving, I don’t think I could ever fully fall for Ethan. I wouldn’t let myself. I would miss her too much. If she stays, however, then I know I could.

  I’ve already committed the cardinal nanny sin of caring too much about my charges.

  And Ethan is still so hot and cold, I’m not sure what to expect from him. He could decide this is over between us at any moment. Am I in over my head? Sure feels like it. But because I don’t have a crystal ball, and I can’t see into the future, I’ll just do this—love like it’s my last day. Smile like it’s my last chance. And kiss a sleeping angel when you see one.

  Slipping into Lilly Belle’s room, I pause at her crib to behold her perfect image. I imagine her sleeping under twinkling stars and a shimmering magical forest. If I could decorate her room, it’d be Neverland.

  The tears come quietly, slipping down my cheeks. If Ethan is capable of giving away the flesh and blood who needs him, then what would he do to my love if I were to give it? I have no answers. I can only cross that bridge when I get there. For now, I push down the crib siding, lean close to the little one, and whisper. “I love you, Silly Lilly Belle.”

  Ethan

  I don’t fall in love. I don’t let women into my life past the guard gate. The biggest reason is because love doesn’t last, so why invest into it? It’s a honeymoon phase, it’s la-la land. Sure, it’s awesome how she and I have been spending time together around the house, going for walks in the park, going on dates in the evening once the baby is put in bed, and all that. I love taking her into stores and letting her choose things. She never lets me pay, but I always insist and sometimes get the clerk to ring it up on my card.

  She’s stubborn as fuck, but she’s real. Down to earth. A real woman with real good values. Her mama raised her right. I have to remember to thank her if I ever see her. The whole thing is a fucking fantasy come true. But fantasies don’t last. They don’t follow through. They always fall apart—everybody knows that.

  Half my brain tells me “so what?” Enjoy what you have while you have it, Ethan. So what if it’s an illusion? So what if this woman’s head in your lap while you watch Baby Einstein is a mirage that will disappear as soon as you can’t handle the real pressures of a love relationship anymore? And that baby over there, crawling toward the TV cabinet, trying to figure out how to pull herself up so she can reach those shiny toys on the big screen? Another mirage who’ll one day fade away when she grows up and leaves you in the dust.

  It’s better you end this soon. You’re getting in way too deep.

  It’s the best choice for everything. Yes, there will be a period of temporary pain for everybody, but then soon, life will resume in a much better way for both of them than I could’ve ever provided. I don’t deserve them.

  I am damaged goods to the nth degree.

  But because of Penelope, I’m trying to stay positive. She has a way of seeing things that instills hope in me, and I’m trying to adopt that same mentality. I’ve gone all in these next two weeks. We make love more and more like we did on the balcony. We make dinners together, and we talk about her startup business. She’s even let me step in a bit to help, between her website and sending her a couple of my client’s clients. It’s small and humble, but it keeps her busy and happy, and there’s nothing I love more than seeing her happy.

  She deserves it.

  She deserves so much more than I can give her.

  One day, while Penelope is sleeping, Lilly Belle is fussy as all get out, so I take her out for a walk—just her and me. It’s the first time I go anywhere with her alone. A month ago, I never would’ve seen myself doing it, but here I am. In the stroller, she’s bouncy about the endless possibilities. Maybe that’s why she was fussing—she wanted us to take her for a stroll. I think I’m learning baby talk.

  Right away, I feel the pressure to make her happy. Amazing how women can do that.

  “Alright, Silly Belle,” I say, turning right and going down Fifth Ave. “Where to? Uncle Ethan at your service.” I inhale the city’s deepening aura. There’s Halloween decorations in windows, the park is a blanket of gold, and there’s a bite of deep fall in the air.

  She slaps the stroller tray happily, sitting up all the way. This kid has grown so much in the two months she’s been with me. I was scared of how fragile she was when I first saw her, but now that she’s older, I can almost see her as a toddler running around the playground. I think that’s when dads do their best, when they can chase the kids and toss them into a pile of leaves.

  If you let her stay, you can do that next year at this time.

  Pushing the thought away, I take her up Fifth Ave, cut into the park, and take her all the way to the Discovery Center. There by the lake, I take her out of the stroller and plop her into the grass. She gives me the most thankful look ever, like Penelope never takes her out of the stroller. Then she stares at the green stuff around her, wondering what it is.

  “It’s grass, Silly Belle,” I laugh, ripping some up and handing it to her.

  She examines it carefully then takes it straight to her mouth, of course.

  “No, not to eat. To play with. See?” I pull it off her lips and rip up more grass, throwing it in the air and making a big show about it falling on my head.

  Lilly Belle laughs her ass off, which in turn makes me laugh my ass off. She pulls at the grass and throws it in the air, except her fists are empty, ‘cause she wasn’t strong enough to actually rip out any. Doesn’t matter. She keeps laughing. An older woman sitting in yoga position nearby laughs, too. This baby is so cute and crazy, I get a real unexpected pang of sadness in my heart just then. My sister’s not here to see this. Just nine months ago, they brought this little garden gnome into the world with the biggest, happiest expectations, and they then fucking perished, because some DUI asshole decided his drunk driving was more important than anyone else’s life.

  It’s fucking cruel. A cruel joke.

  A duck heads our way under the false impression that we’ve got
some breadcrumbs for her. “Sorry, girlfriend. Just grass. Shoo,” I tell it. Then I see Lilly Belle’s eyes widen in horror at the massive feathered beast headed her way. She whines and turns toward me to please pick her up, and I do, and she clings to my chest. Who knew that babies could be scared of birds?

  I hold her against me, feeling her tiny heart pounding against mine.

  I can’t explain what goes through me just then. She turned to me when she got scared. She clung to my chest. She needed me to protect her.

  “I got you, Silly Belle. It’s just a mean, ol’ duck.” I shoo the evil beast away one more time until it finally gets the point. Silly Lilly Belle clings to me until she’s sure the imminent danger has passed. Then, she gets up and looks in my eyes, babbles something then pats my face, tiny finger-spread hand just “whack” on my face.

  “Ah, the thanks I get,” I tell her, pulling her hand off. “No hit.”

  She points at the duck. Her eyes are deep blue with sparkles reflecting off the water’s surface.

  I don’t know what to say to her after that. I almost can’t even look her in the eyes anymore. How am I supposed to tell this little girl that she’d be better off without me? That somewhere in her future, there’s a mom and dad who desperately have been waiting all their lives for a baby girl like her who will give her the most amazing childhood ever?

  How do I tell her that I don’t think it can be me? That I don’t have the patience, the lifestyle, nor the relationship for it? “I love her, Lilly Belle. I love your nanny. At least, I’m pretty sure I do, but it’s just a feeling, you know? It fades with time. This is a known fact.”

  No, it’s not, her eyes seem to tell me. Would you stop loving me over time?

  Don’t know where that thought came from, but the answer is a resounding no. What she doesn’t understand is that she should go away from me because I love her. She should go with another family because I care for her. I want her to be happy. I can run a Fortune 500 company, I can make billions of dollars a year, and I can keep the families of Townsend Industries employed and functional, but I don’t know how to be the parent I never had.

  Little girl, our beautiful fall will soon turn to coldest of winters, but then will come spring, and spring means rebirth. And hopefully by then, you’ll have a real family.

  Penelope

  As I sink my feet into warm water laced with lavender oil, I think about where I am.

  Ethan’s gorgeous house, yes, but where else? Am I his girlfriend, his employee, what? I’m still getting paid and I still watch Lilly Belle, though he’s been taking on a lot more childcare responsibility lately. He even took her for a walk yesterday by himself, which was astounding considering where he came from. But at some point, we should define this.

  I need to know how much I matter to him.

  So…my intention tonight is to take this relaxing bath (because he insisted he could handle Lilly Belle after I’ve had her all day) and then when he comes into my room after bedtime, lead him to talk. Ethan doesn’t talk much. I know when he’s content, and I know when he’s frustrated, but he doesn’t express his feelings much, and when he does, he needs a break. It’s exhausting work for him.

  Sinking all the way in the bath, I lean back against the tub pillow and watch the curls of steam rise into the air. I wouldn’t mind if Ethan walked in right now and gave me some of that sweet-n-sour love that he’s so good at. Some days, he’s so hardcore and filthy, a dirty horny lion, and other days he’s a docile lamb. That’s who he is and it still scares me. I’m still waiting for the day when he flips the switch and decides his fear will win.

  I take a deep breath, taking in the scented air and exhale long and contentedly. I live like a queen. I’m an extremely lucky woman. Soon, I’m falling away into a meditative trance, imagining my family taken care of. Money is no object. I’ve graduated, my business is doing great, and I’m taking care of them.

  Suddenly, I hear something out in the hallway. Shouting? Ethan’s shouting. At first, I think I’ve fallen asleep and having a bad dream, but then I realize he’s still yelling like the world has ended. A surge of adrenaline shoots through my veins, spreading throughout my body like an atropine injection, and I sit up, splashing water over the edge of the tub. I’m up and grabbing a towel before I can process anything. “What is it? Ethan?”

  God, please, please don’t let it be anything terrible.

  My brain goes through a mental checklist: did I cover all electrical outlets, did I leave anything sharp lying around, did I baby-proof the entire upstairs before I headed into the bath? Skidding into the hallway, I find Ethan sitting about a third way down the stairs holding Lilly Belle close to his chest. She’s crying, and all I can think is “thank God” that she is. Crying is good. Crying means she’s breathing.

  The stair gate is wide open. “Ethan, what happened?”

  He pulls Lilly Belle’s head away from his chest so he can inspect her, as I crouch next to her and give her a complete visual check. Her face is pink from crying, fat tears are falling down her cheeks, but otherwise she looks okay. “She fell.”

  “What do you mean she fell? I locked the gate.” Did I? I’m pretty sure I did. I’m pretty good at securing the house, though I could’ve made a mistake.

  “Yes, but I went downstairs to get her some juice and forgot to lock it. She fell, Penelope. She fell down the fucking stairs.” He’s nearly in tears, holding the baby so close to his chest, my heart breaks for him.

  “Here, let me see…” I hold out my arms to Lilly, and she immediately flies into them, wailing and wailing her grievances. “I know, baby. Shhh, it’s okay.” Double checking, it seems that her arms and legs and fine. Nothing looks broken. She’s got a nasty bruise on her forehead, though. “How far did she fall?”

  Ethan’s hands tremble at his brow. “Several steps. I caught her before she fell all the way.” At this point, I notice the spilled juice cup downstairs, which he’d probably been screwing closed when he noticed the baby falling. “We should go to the ER. Now.” He takes out his phone and calls for an ambulance.

  He’s taking this pretty bad. “Babies are pretty tough, you know. Look, she’s already bouncing back,” I say after Lilly Belle’s cries turn to sobs. “She’ll probably only have a couple bruises and—”

  “We’re taking her to the ER,” he hisses, giving me a wicked glare.

  I draw back and let it go. No point in arguing with him. Besides, it’s no skin off his back to make sure that she’s well-taken care of, checked out by a doctor, and everything. The fees are nothing to him.

  And even though I’m fairly certain she’s going to be okay, she should be checked out by a doctor to be certain.

  “I’ll go get dressed.” Standing with Lilly in my arms, I head to my room, put her on the floor surrounded by pillows, but she immediately wants to be carried. I end up having to get dressed with one arm while I carry her. It’s times like these I think of my own mother.

  At the hospital, Ethan is a wreck. I’ve never seen him so distraught. He paces back and forth while we wait for X-ray and MRI results, and I know he’s going to take the blame for this. I only wish I could tell him that all babies have accidents and survive. Even the doctor told him so, though he did say she was very lucky. It could’ve been worse.

  Lilly Belle falls asleep inside of a crib while we wait to be seen by the doctor again. I can tell this is something Ethan has never had to do—wait for service. Apparently, it doesn’t matter how much money you have, this hospital gives attention in order of urgency like they should.

  “How much longer, for fuck’s sake?” he mutters, sitting on the edge of a hard metal chair, head in his hands.

  “It’s good that we have to wait.”

  He shoots me a sharp look that makes me instantly regret it. “What the hell does that mean?”

  “I just mean that if it were worse, they’d be attending to her right now. If it was a matter of life or death, she’d be surrounded by doctors and nurse
s. It wasn’t that bad, Ethan.”

  He sucks a deep breath through his nose, like he’s losing patience with me. Never mind that I’ve been patient with him and always feel like I’m walking on eggshells around him. “She could have died, Penelope. I don’t think you realize the gravity of what happened. Those stairs are wood. The bottom floor is polished concrete. She could’ve ended at the bottom with her head split open.”

  “I know…” I nod, shaking off the horrible image. I see where his shock is coming from, but it still ended well. “It could’ve ended terribly, but it didn’t.”

  “But it could have!” he shouts, standing halfway out of the chair only to sit down again.

  I won’t be scared by Ethan’s antics. I don’t care how loud he gets with me, his bark is worse than his bite. I don’t back down. “I understand,” I say quietly. “But my point is, we should be grateful it wasn’t worse.”

  “This has nothing to do with gratitude, Penelope. This has to do with me, my inefficiency as a parent. I can’t do this.”

  “What?”

  “I can’t…fuck…” He drops his head into his hands and shakes it. “I can’t do this anymore. I’m not fit to be a parent.”

  I want to slap him so hard. But I also understand that he’s going through emotions. Sitting in the hard chair next to him, I put my arm over his shoulder, knowing there’s a good chance he’ll shrug his way out of it. Ethan has a way of not allowing himself happiness or even comfort. “Ethan, listen to me. All babies have accidents. All parents go through scares like this…”

  “Don’t…do that, Penelope.”

  “Do what?”

  “Tell me this is normal. It’s not. Nothing about this is normal. Her nearly dying isn’t normal, and us being here together isn’t normal. Nothing is normal.”

  I can’t help but feel hurt by his words. “So, you hate this new normal? Is that what you’re saying? You hate the way your life has changed? Because I don’t. I’ve had the best time of my life here with you, Ethan. With you and Lilly Belle, and even though I didn’t expect to feel any of the one thousand different feelings I’ve had, I’m still grateful for them. I welcome them.”