Her careful fingers run across the thin skin of my shoulders. The more time goes by, the more the sunburn hurts after all. In my mind I note another advantage of the safety zone, but as soon as I think it, I can see it’s a disadvantage too. There might be no sunburn, but that’s only because there is no sun. I wouldn’t be too happy to do without it now. Why would the Legion commanders keep us from it? Hopefully no one has ever died of sunburn. There are so many things I’ve found out about the Legion that I just don’t understand. Still, I refuse to believe that they’re essentially the bad guys, as Finn and the others here think. They must have their reasons.
When Iris is done, I turn around to put my top back on, and freeze. Finn is standing in the doorway, looking over at Iris and me. When I meet his eyes, his face goes red in a flash, and he turns around quick as he can. I, too, feel the heat shooting through my cheeks. It must be from the sunburn, I tell myself.
I don’t like it that Finn saw me like that. My ribs still stick out, and my skin isn’t pale any more, but red like Grace’s and Emily’s hair. If he finds me even more disgusting now, he’ll surely make fun of me. Quickly I pull my top on.
“At least you can’t see the cream on that pale skin,” he says suddenly from behind the pink curtain. I search for meanness in his words, but find none. He goes on. “If I used it, I’d look like I fell in a bucket of white paint.” He peers around the curtain into the room. There’s actually something like a grin on his face. It’s crooked, more on the right than the left, but the angry lines between his eyebrows are gone. His white teeth flash from between his lips.
Iris seems to have forgiven him, because she starts to giggle. “Or like caramel with cream.”
To my astonishment, he returns her smile, then turns back to me. Although he’s looking in my direction, it’s clear that he’s not looking at me directly, but rather at a point beside my head. “How’s your hand?”
“Getting better,” I say vaguely, and wonder why he’s suddenly being so friendly to us.
His eyes meet mine briefly. “Get well soon.”
That must be one of the clichés that people used to use. I think I remember it from educational training. Is that supposed to be something like an apology?
As usual, he settles down in the hall in front of our room.
A long time after we’ve gone to bed, I still can’t fall asleep although I’m so tired. It’s quiet in the caves at night, and if I hold my own breath and ignore Iris, I can hear Finn. His breathing is irregular and he changes his position from time to time. It must be very uncomfortable on the floor. I wonder how much longer he’ll spend the nights there? What will happen if we’re here a long time, or even forever? Will he always sleep there in front of our door?
- -
09. IT ALWAYS COMES BACK TO BITE YOU
An icy gust of wind blows in my face and makes me shiver. Sleepily, I open my eyes and look around the little cave room. Iris isn’t here. Has she gone to the toilet? Normally she wakes me up, because she doesn’t like going by herself.
Confused, I stand up and wrap my arms around my trembling body. My skin shines white in the dark room. It’s so bright that it blinds me, it’s even shedding light like the moon does. Barefoot I tiptoe into the quiet hall. Finn isn’t here. Where is he? Maybe Iris asked him to take her, but I can’t really imagine that.
I follow the hallway and see that all the other rooms are abandoned. Not only the inhabitants are gone, but even the furniture and curtains. As if no one had ever lived here. It’s as quiet as a tomb. Not a whisper, not a giggle, not a snore. Nothing.
The communal room is empty too. My footsteps echo back at me from the walls. Uncertain, I look back and see that I’ve left bloody footprints. Quickly I check the soles of my feet, but there’s nothing there. No blood, no wounds. Maybe they’re not my footprints? What’s going on here?
Slowly I am becoming terrified. My steps speed up as I exit the caves. Relief floods through me. The Legion is here! A Legion commander in white, with several guards in bright blue. Finally! They found me, and they came to rescue me.
Happy, I run towards them and call out, “Here I am!” They turn to me and I recognise the prisoner in their circle. It’s Finn. His face is covered in scrapes, dirt, and blood. His clothes are torn. The bloody footprints are his. Did he resist them? Why did they hurt him like that?
Dismayed, I look at the Legion commander. It’s Gustav, A175. Confused, I look at the faces of the guards. There’s Grace, Jep and Pep, Paul and Florence. Even Emily and Iris are wearing little blue suits.
Finn hangs between Jep and Pep. He’s so weak that he can hardly stand.
“No more Big Mouth.” Jep grins.
“Not the best any more,” agrees Pep. What’s up with them? Can’t they see the state he’s in?
Florence approaches me. “Dear one, now it’s time for you to prove you belong to us.” She hands me a knife, and its blade sparkles in the light of my shining skin.
My fingers grip the handle, and everyone drags me close to Finn.
“He doesn’t belong here. Eliminate him!” commands Gustav. Although his voice is just as kind as ever, I flinch at his words. He can’t be serious.
Finn’s gaze pleads with me, his lips form silent words. “Help me!”
What am I to do?
“She’s a traitor,” Emily’s squeaky voice accuses as she points at me.
“Don’t you want to be my sister any more?” Iris’s lips tremble and tears form in her eyes.
“You have to decide. Do you belong with him, or with us?” Now Paul is pressuring me too, even though he’s always defended Finn.
“Make your decision!” Florence hisses, scaring me. Now I understand why Jep and Pep said she has a sharp tongue. Dammit, what should I do? Finn has never been kind to me, essentially he’s taken every chance to hurt me, but I don’t want to injure him. He’s suffering enough already.
A terrible scream pierces the night. My gaze falls on Finn. A huge wound gapes in his belly. His eyes widen with horror. “Why?” he whispers accusingly.
I want to shout out. “I didn’t do anything!” But then I look at my hands and fall silent. They’re drenched with blood. The red is a livid contrast on my white skin. What have I done? I didn’t want to!
I gasp and scramble upright, waking Iris beside me. No! Finn! I have to help him right now. Maybe I can do something. Quickly I kick the blanket off my legs and lunge into the hall, but I trip over something and fall full length to the floor. My knees hit hard and my teeth clack together, biting my tongue. The metallic taste of blood fills my mouth. When I turn around, I see Finn sitting in front of our room. He rubs his eyes sleepily and stares at me, his face screwed up. He’s well. He has no wounds. I have done nothing to him.
I’m so happy about this that I drop to his side to convince myself from close up. Before he can resist, my hands are on his cheeks and I look in his eyes, search his face for cuts and bruises.
‘You’re alive,” I whisper, not quite believing it, but I’m so relieved. My gaze hangs on his lively blue eyes. They remind me of pictures of little streams in the sunshine. His eyes reflect the light, clear and pure like water.
Then suddenly he squeezes them shut and shoves me away roughly. “What do you think you’re doing?” he shouts.
“I’m just so happy that nothing happened to you,” I reply, shrinking back. I feel dumb. Why doesn’t he know what just happened?
“Just don’t touch me, then everything will be wonderful,” he growls, and wipes at his cheeks as if I poisoned him.
“I saw pictures in my head while I slept. It was like a film,” I explain clumsily.
He hesitates for a moment, his head tilted, his eyes narrowed. Then he shakes his head and frowns. “You were only dreaming.”
“Dreaming? What’s that?”
Iris emerges from the doorframe to defend me. “No one dreams in the safety zone.”
Finn’s eyes start to sparkle with humour while he stares
me down. “Don’t tell me you’ve never dreamed before?”
His voice is full of malicious joy, which riles me up no end. He loves to show me up and laugh about me. So? I never dreamed before. But he’s never seen the pictures in the Atrium or taken a steam shower, which by the way he is in terrible need of.
“No, I haven’t. But have you ever seen a film?” I answer in the same contemptuous tone.
“No, but I don’t want to. I dream, and that’s enough.”
I see how right the twins were about him. Finn wants to be the best at everything. Unkind, and so full of himself. “You think you’re so great! War happens because of people like you,” I accuse him, and I mean it. Why did I worry about hurting him? He would hurt me if he was allowed. It wouldn’t bother him in the slightest if I fell down dead.
“It happens because of people like you, who think they’re so much better!” His voice is raised and sparks fly from his eyes.
I can’t believe it. I laugh at him. For him to be the one to say that! Who’s the one who thinks he’s better than everyone?
“Children! What have you got into now?” It’s Marie, feeling her way along the passage with her cane.
“You can ask our prisoner about that, if she doesn’t lie to you,” growls Finn, and shoves past Marie. Idiot!
After breakfast, Finn appears before me again. There’s a sort of net over his shoulders. “I have to walk the border. You’re going with me.” His face is almost completely hidden in the shadow of his cap, but my mind’s eye shows me his hateful expression just the same.
“How about asking politely for a change?” Florence asks, although she doesn’t look hopeful that Finn would follow her advice.
“How about not butting in? She’s got her own mouth. If I was her, I’d be embarrassed at you mothering her and speaking for her all the time.” Finn is his usual contemptuous self.
His words have an instant effect—I do feel ashamed that Florence protects me all the time. At the same time, I’m annoyed that he’s talking about me as if I wasn’t right here.
Florence doesn’t answer him this time either, but glares at him with crossed arms.
“Aren’t you scared I’ll run away from you?” I stand up. I’m almost as tall as Finn.
“What else would we do with you? You can’t cook, you cut yourself in the garden, and you’re too slow to hunt. If you run, I’ll catch you. I’m faster than you.”
I pass him on my way to the door, grinning, and I can’t resist one last comment. “Only in your dreams.”
Finn rages and blusters and prepares to object, but Florence laughs heartily. “That’s what you get, Finn,” she snorts, and holds onto her stomach.
The sun beats down on my bare arms and I’m regretting not bringing a jacket. Although Iris put cream on me again this morning, my burned skin is starting to peel. But when I wipe the sweat from my brow, I’m happy I’m not wearing extra clothes. My whole back is wet and the jeans are sticking to my legs while my feet perspire inside my boots. The stink of my own sweat pervades my nose and I can only hope that Finn hasn’t noticed it.
He’s “very talkative” today—not a word since we left the caves. We’re going cross-country through the red desert, between markings that only Finn knows. It’s a mystery to me. I don’t know what he’s doing, and if he abandons me here I couldn’t find either the caves or the safety zone. I’d probably die of thirst.
Finn has a canteen with water, but he’d rather shoot himself than offer me any. I’m too proud to ask him for water. I wish Florence were here to ask it for me.
Now he kneels down and gropes along the ground. I watch, baffled, not understanding what he’s doing, what he’s looking for.
“Crap!” He crawls about on the ground. When he doesn’t find what he’s after, he stands up and looks at me hesitantly. “You go first!”
His change of mind is odd to me. “I don’t even know where I’m going.”
“Just straight ahead, you can manage that.”
“Why?”
“Because I said so, dammit!” He grabs my arms and shoves me ahead of him. His touch burns my shoulders and I cry out.
He snaps at me. “What is it now?” He tears his hands away as if I burned him.
“You hurt me!” I wail, and try to loosen my sore arms and shoulders.
He gulps. Pause. Then, “Don’t make such a fuss.”
There are tears in my eyes. It’s just too much. Sunburn, heat, my mouth dry as the desert, and now he’s being mean again too.
When he sees my tears, he flinches back. I guess he’s not going to apologise. “Would you keep going, please?”
He said please! That’s almost sorry. No use resisting him any longer, so I do as he says and walk ahead.
Then, suddenly, the ground falls away under my feet and I walk on air for a split second. I land hard on an uneven floor. When I lift my head, I can smell Finn’s unique scent of pine and moss. His wavy hair is in my face, but then he shoves me off him. My shoulder hits a rock and I scream in pain. Now I’m really crying.
“Stupid cow!” he hisses at me, gripping his own elbow.
My gaze slides up along the walls. We’ve fallen into a hole several metres deep—so narrow that I can’t move away from Finn. Even though I sit against the wall farthest from him, our legs still touch. I remember he was searching along the ground and then suddenly wanted me to go ahead. Is this why? Did he want me to fall in the hole? I guess he didn’t mean to fall in himself.
“This is your hole!” He bites his teeth together so hard I hear his jaw clack.
“Did you want to leave me here to die of thirst?”
“Not really.”
“Then what?”
“These are traps we set for the Legion, in case they get the idea to come looking for us again.” He regards me steadily. “I suppose it worked, in a manner of speaking.”
I bite my tongue and don’t respond. What good would it do to fight with him? He hates me, and nothing can change that, no matter what I say. I pull my knees up close to me so I touch him as little as possible, and decide to let him handle this. He can figure out how to get himself—or both of us—out of here. He’s just as stuck as I am.
Just as I expect, Finn stands up after a short silence, and tries to climb out of the hole. His hands grip the red sandstone, but it breaks off every time. He falls back every time he tries to put his weight on his hands. I hold my hands over my head so I don’t get dust in my eyes.
I have to admit, Finn is right on one thing: surely there’s no one with more endurance. He doesn’t seem to care how often he falls. He must so despise the thought of being stuck here with me for one more minute—he’d rather break his fingers than ask me for advice or help. I guess it’s stubbornness.
After what feels like an hour he finally gives up and sinks down on the floor opposite me. His knee hits mine and makes me flinch, but he doesn’t care. Beads of sweat run down his forehead and sun-worn neck. I have this strange urge to wipe away the drops with my finger. I wouldn’t mind touching his warm skin again. It’s a very odd thing. Finn has never said a kind word to me, still I want to be close to him. No matter how much he scowls and grimaces, he can’t hide the fact that he’s a good-looking man. If he laughed more often, he’d easily be as pretty as Florence.
Finn notices I’m watching him. “What?” he growls, in his usual tone.
Quickly I shake my head and flap my hands. My cheeks glow hot.
It is quiet again. There’s no sound, not even from outside the hole. The quiet makes me nervous. I’d rather fight with Finn than be silent any longer.
“The others must be looking for us,” I begin.
Finn shakes his head. “I don’t think they’ll find us.”
“Why’s that?”
“The desert is so huge and everyone has their own area to monitor. Paul doesn’t know his way around my area, just like I don’t know his. We don’t have enough people to form proper guard units.”
O
ddly, his voice is neither accusing or arrogant, just...honest. Maybe now that we’re stuck in this hole, he might give me some answers. “Is that why you kidnapped me and the others?”
“You think we just want you to become one of us?” He makes it sound stupid of me to even consider such a thing.
I shrug. “I don’t know what to think. No one tells me why I’m here or what you all expect of me.”
Finn’s eyes move across my face. I don’t know what he’s looking for, but he seems to find it, and sighs. “We need more people in the safety zone. Preferably someone who is a Legion commander.”
Baffled, I stare at him.
“How do you think we nabbed you in the first place? We’ve got informers in the Legion. D people, C people, even a few in the laboratories. Just no Legion commanders so far. We hear some things, but the really important information is kept from us.”
“I’m not a Legion commander. Neither is anyone else you kidnapped.”
“I know, but we had hoped that one of you would become one when you go back.”
“Go back? Paul said the Legion would shoot us on the spot.”
“True, they probably would. But maybe they’re just as interested in us as we are in them. There’s only one way for them to buy someone’s silence, if that someone has seen through their lies: they give that person power and make them one of their own.”
His answer shakes me. I don’t know what I expected, but not that. Suddenly I feel betrayed by Florence’s kindness. Basically I’m just an experiment for them. If they send me back, they accept that I might die. They’re only interested in the information I can give. Why did I ever think they liked me? I’ll never be one of them, just a robot from the Legion.
“And what happens if someone betrays you?” I could imagine doing that, especially knowing how little I mean to them.
“I ask that all the time too, but Gustav and the others are convinced you’re human.” For the first time it’s not some random person they want to send back, but me. So it’s been decided.
Instantly Finn seems to be a nicer person. He never deceived me, never pretended to like me.
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