“How long do I have to stay with you? How long does it take to get someone on your side?”
Finn notices the sudden sharpness in my words. His eyebrows go up. “Don’t you like it with us?”
“No!” My voice is cold. Why should I like it? I’ll never belong here, I’ll always be a leper. It’s better if I don’t like it, because then I’d have to live with losing it.
But Finn looks properly confused. He stammers a little before he answers. “Really? I—I thought...”
“Thought what?” Suddenly it’s me who’s angry at him. Looks like we’ve switched roles.
“Remember the night you ran away? You caught me spying into your cell.”
“Yeah, you always saw right through me,” I agree sadly. What is this? Is he rubbing my nose in the fact that I could have been at home long ago if he hadn’t caught me?
“No, I didn’t. I didn’t know you wanted to run away. I watched you because you fascinated me that night. You looked up at the stars like no one I’ve ever seen before. You were so amazed, there was so much wonder in your eyes. I thought you liked what you saw.”
I stop breathing. I can only stare at Finn. He’s right. That night, the stars above were the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. The clouds and the rain had also impressed me like nothing in my life had ever done before. But I never expected Finn to see all that in me. Would never think that he’d see anything but an emotionless robot.
His leg brushes mine and I flinch as if he burned me. Goosebumps spread across my whole body and tickle my neck. My heart thumps, my mouth goes dry. What was I about to say? I can’t even remember what I was thinking.
Embarrassed, Finn looks away. Is he regretting what he told me? Is he ashamed that he saw something in me that’s not a monster?
“In the safety zone there are no stars. No storms, not even the sun or moon. The light panels regulate our day and night,” I force out.
There’s something like regret on his face. “Isn’t that awful?”
I shake my head. “Not if you don’t know anything else.”
He nods as if he understands, then goes on. “My parents fled the safety zone before I was born. They couldn’t stand the thought of losing me.”
“Your mother was pregnant when they got out?”
“Yes, they were lucky the rebels found them so quickly.”
“How did your mother know who your father was?”
He looks confused. I guess he doesn’t know anything about the Legion’s mating rites. I’m sure it’s better if it stays that way.
“She never had anyone else,” he explains. Oh, Finn, if only you knew.
“I don’t know my parents.”
“I lost mine last year. The Legion attacked and murdered them, the same as Grace’s husband—Emily’s father.”
“I’m really sorry, Finn.” I mean what I say, although I’m sure he doesn’t believe a word of it. If I could, I’d even give him back his parents, then maybe he wouldn’t hate me quite so much.
“It’s hard to tell the difference between you people from the safety zone, because you all look the same.”
“That is for our own protection, so that no one can ever envy anything.”
“It makes robots out of you.”
“I was actually quite happy to look like everyone else.”
I see he wants to say something, but thought better of it. Instead, he reaches for his backpack, pulls out the canteen, and takes a short sip. He sets it down and looks at me thoughtfully. “I can never forgive or forget what the Legion did to me and my parents.”
“No one would expect anything different.”
“And you’re one of them. I know you didn’t cause their deaths, but whenever I look at you, I’m forced to think of it, and it makes me so damn angry.”
I nod, although I wish it wasn’t so. If someone took away everything I cared for, I would probably hate anyone associated with them, too. Anyone who watched without doing anything. It doesn’t matter that I have no idea about many of the things the Legion does. It doesn’t matter that I don’t know if I even want to belong to the Legion any more. At the moment, I feel like I don’t belong anywhere. Maybe with Iris, but she’s just a child, and she’s doing much better with the rebels than with the Legion. What could I ever offer her? I wouldn’t even be able to protect her.
“We won’t be friends, I won’t even like you—but maybe we can agree on a sort of truce, otherwise we won’t get out of here.”
That’s probably the best I can expect. It’s a small step in my direction, a step that would have been unthinkable even just this morning. “I don’t hold anything against you, Finn.”
“Good.” He hesitates, then passes the canteen over. “You can drink the rest, if you want.”
Sharing water when two people walk together—it should be the most normal thing in the world, but I’m touched all the same. Thankfully I take the almost-empty bottle and let the last drops run across my tongue.
Finn stands up, ready to try climbing again. This time I follow him. But even if both of us grope the sandy walls, it doesn’t change anything. The hole is simply twice as tall as we are.
“Help me,” commands Finn, and beckons me over. “Link your hands like this, then I can step in them and get up. Maybe it’ll be enough to reach the edge.”
I do as he says, although I already think his weight will be impossible for me to hold. And he hardly steps into the palm of my hands before I fail horribly and drop him. My hands and arms hurt—they won’t carry him. He must be at least twenty kilograms heavier than me. I’d have to be an ant, and carry double my own weight. But he refuses to accept the facts.
“Come on, let’s try again.”
“I’m too weak, I can’t carry you.”
“What else should we do? We have to try it at least.”
“You could lift me up.” The answer should be obvious, comparing his muscled body to my bony one.
He doesn’t seem to like that idea at all. “No!” His tone is strict. No compromise.
“Why not?”
“As soon as you get up there, you’d run back to the safety zone and leave me here to die of thirst.”
He’s right, but...“I don’t even know where the safety zone is.”
“You don’t know where the caves are, either.”
“But I could find them and get help. We came from there, after all.”
“I don’t trust you. You ran off once and just today you threatened you’d do it again.”
“We’ve made a truce, right? Did you forget?”
He shakes his head stubbornly. “There must be another way.”
“If we wait any longer, it’ll get dark, then I really won’t find the way.”
“Kneel down. I’ll stand on your back.”
I sigh and get down so Finn can use my back as a step. I can carry his weight like this, but we’re still too far from the edge to pull ourselves out.
His boots dig into my sore, sunburned skin. I straighten, relieved, when Finn gives up and gets down.
“Please, trust me. I promise I’ll come back.” I try my hardest to get through to him. I seek to meet his gaze and hold it steadily. There’s a storm in his ice-blue eyes. It’s hard for him to trust others at all, but to trust me? Impossible.
“Give me one reason I should believe you. You despise me just as much as I despise you.”
“No, I don’t.”
“You want revenge because I didn’t share my water with you. I know, it wasn’t nice of me...”
No, it wasn’t. But he admits it, so at least I know he’s aware of feeling guilty. Anyway, I have plenty of other reasons to let him rot in this hole.
“You gave me the last sip. It’s okay. Please, Finn, it’s our only chance.
He hesitates, struggling with himself. Finally he forces himself to speak. “If you run off, I’ll find you, and I will kill you. I promise you that.”
Another threat. He’s earned at least one night in the ho
le, and yet I know I won’t let that happen. “I promise you I won’t run off.”
To my amazement, he takes off his dark cap and sets it on my head. “If you get sunstroke, you won’t be any help.”
His damp hair falls across his forehead, and the cap warmed by his head makes my own skull tingle. He links his hands together, as I did before, and nods at me to climb up.
Carefully, so as not to hurt him, I set my boot in his hand and shove off from the ground with the other foot. Finn lifts me up. Our eyes meet. I’m closer to him than ever before. There are only a few centimetres between the tips of our noses.
“Climb up on my shoulders.”
What? What did he say? I can’t hear a word, can only stare into his eyes, so full of worry and pain. It’s like I’m looking right into his soul.
“Hurry up!” he growls, and his unkindness calls me back to reality. Quickly I do as he says and stand on his shoulders. I can just look out of the hole. I lean on the edge with both hands and try to pull myself up. I only make it because Finn is pushing from below with both hands.
In front of the hole, I stop and look back down at Finn. Fear is practically screaming in his eyes. He still doesn’t trust me. I don’t think he even expects me to come back.
I want to tell him again that he doesn’t need to worry, but when I open my mouth, he interrupts me. “Just go!”
I spin and walk off. It’s strange to leave him there alone. I’d prefer to stay with him and make use of the time he’s treating me like a human. I’m scared he’ll forget our truce by the time he gets out of the hole. Maybe he’ll be just as cold and punishing as before. Maybe he won’t remember our conversation.
It was hard to find the caves, but I did it. When I told the others what happened, they immediately came with me to look for him. They didn’t doubt me for a second. It seems they trust me completely, although I’m just an experiment for them. I could have been sending them into a trap, I might have already told the Legion, but I don’t think the idea even occurred to them. I don’t know whether to be happy that they trust me, or to feel sorry for them. Finn is right to trust no one. It makes you vulnerable.
When we reached Finn it was already starting to get dark. He seemed really surprised to see us, but he didn’t say a word to me.
Now I’m in bed with Iris, and she’s telling me about Emily’s birthday that we missed. “Emily is nine years old now, in her tenth year exactly like me. This year I would have graduated from being a child to a teenager. I would have become E701 and they would have let me wear red instead of yellow.”
Although up till now I thought Iris was happy here with the rebels, it almost seems now that she’s sorry to be missing all these things in the safety zone.
She goes on. “Emily had a cranberry pie just for her. There were nine candles on it, she had to blow them all out and make a wish. You’re not supposed to tell anyone what you wish for, but she whispered it to me later. She wants her daddy to come back. He’s gone to heaven, you see.”
I’m only half listening to Iris, but I’m trying to look interested. I’m thinking of Finn. I didn’t expect him to thank me, but he could have looked at me at least. He behaved as if he’d been alone in that hole the entire time, and the others only found him accidentally. He behaved like I wasn’t there at all.
“She got a rag doll that Grace sewed herself. The doll’s called Laura and has red hair just like Emily.”
Since then, Finn has kept out of my sight. He went to the hot spring as soon as we arrived back in the caves. I didn’t see him at dinner, either.
“Cleo, how do we know when our birthdays are?”
I wonder if he’s going to sleep in front of our door again tonight?
“Cleo?”
Oh, she’s talking to me. “Did you ask me something?”
“Aren’t you listening?”
“Of course I am, I’m just so tired.”
“Oh, all right, that’s okay, you had a long day today. When’s my birthday, Cleo?”
“I don’t know, why do you ask?”
“I want a cake too, and a party where everyone celebrates for me.”
Only now do I notice how sad she sounds. I’m ashamed of paying so little attention. “Why not choose your own birthday? We’re sisters, remember. No one can say when your real birthday is.”
“Do you think that would be all right?”
“Of course, why not?”
“Then I could have my birthday tomorrow!” Her eyes are wide, her enthusiasm is childlike.
It makes me laugh. “Maybe not quite yet tomorrow. Otherwise I won’t have a present for you.”
Her eyes grow even wider and her whole face starts to glow. “You want to give me something?”
“Of course!”
“And when?” Now she’s all excited. I think she’d like to celebrate her birthday right here, right now if she could.
“I promise, you’ll notice when I’m ready.”
“But what if I sleep too long?”
“I’ll come and wake you.” Although, she’s normally awake long before me, so it doesn’t matter.
“Will it be this week?”
“Surprise!”
Iris giggles. “Now I’m all nervous.”
“Then you should go to sleep as fast as you can, so that your birthday will be closer when you wake.”
She snuggles into me and closes her eyes. “I hope I fall asleep really quickly! Good night, Cleo.”
“Good night, little sister.”
Someone’s missing. Iris always says good night to Finn, but he’s not there. He’s been with us every night, and I wanted him to go away. Now I wish he was here. Dammit! Why is it such a big deal what he thinks of me? He can’t stand me. He won’t ever like me, he said that himself, and that was when he was being nice. It shouldn’t matter to me. But the tears in my eyes and the lump in my throat tell a very different story. With great effort I hold back the sobs, letting the tears fall soundlessly down my cheek and onto the pillow.
- -
10. A BIRTHDAY FOR IRIS
It seems like forever since I dropped into a dreamless sleep. Now I feel exhausted, and my neck is clicking unpleasantly when I stretch. The sun is already high in the sky and the birds are singing their morning song. But today I’m not so excited by it. I don’t know any more what I should think or feel. Everything’s upside down. Finn, all the others, the safety zone, nothing is certain.
Iris is awake already—her half of the mattress is abandoned. When I step into the hallway, I’m disappointed all over again. Finn isn’t here. Of course not, why did I expect any different? Now that we’ve declared a “truce”, there’s no reason for him to watch me so closely.
The aroma of fresh-baked bread comes to me from the kitchen. A smell that usually makes my mouth water, but today I just acknowledge it with a shrug. I’m happy when I see that Marie is sitting alone at the big kitchen table.
“Good morning, Cleo,” she says, before I can greet her.
How does she do that? “Good morning. How did you know it was me?” I sit down across from her and take a slice of the warm bread.
“I know your steps. You’re light on your feet like a ballerina, but purposeful like a soldier.”
Lost in thought, I pull the bread apart and eat one piece after another. My teeth chew mechanically.
“You’re sad,” she says. It’s not a question, but a statement. “Why?”
“I don’t know. It’s just a feeling,” I deflect her, but I wonder if I should tell her what Finn said. Does she even know about the plan to send me back to the safety zone? I don’t know how involved Marie is with the others’ plans. She’s in the background most of the time, and listens more than she speaks. That’s what I like about her.
“Every feeling has a reason. Listen to yourself, then you’ll find it faster than you think.”
An unintentional sigh forces its way out of my throat. Marie lays her wrinkled hand right on mine and pats it gently. “I
know that feeling.”
I screw up my face, confused. “What feeling?”
“Love troubles. It must be hard for you to deal with so many feelings at once.”
“I’m not in love!” I’m aghast. I pull my hand away.
Marie is amazingly calm and only smiles at me reassuringly. “No? Then I suppose I guessed wrong. That can happen, I’m just an old blind woman.”
Immediately I’m sorry for my hard words and long for the touch of her warm hands again. “It’s Finn.”
“I thought so.” She smiles. But she’s understood me all wrong.
“No, not like you think. It’s something he told me.”
“What did he tell you?” How patiently she asks.
“He says you want to send me back to the safety zone to spy on the Legion for you. Did you know that?”
“Yes, but why aren’t you asking if it’s even true?”
“Finn wouldn’t lie,” I retort so fast it can only be a natural response.
“No, he wouldn’t,” she agrees, and smiles. “What’s the problem? Don’t you want to go back? Or is it that you don’t want to be a spy? I could understand that, since the Legion is the only family you have.”
“The Legion might shoot me.”
“They’re far too interested in your information to do that.”
“Then they might kill me after they’ve got everything they want to know.”
“Maybe.”
Her honesty hits me hard. She’s just agreeing with me, as if my death means nothing. Why can’t she just deny it? Why can’t she at least pretend I’m important?
Tears come again and my throat tightens. “Doesn’t that matter to you?”
Marie is distraught. She stretches her arms towards me. Her fingertips touch my cool skin and I flinch away, shivering.
“No, little one. It matters very much to us. We don’t want to consider that option. It would hurt us very much to lose any more members of our community. No one wants you to die.”
Doubts spin in my head. I don’t know whether to believe her. Marie is a good-hearted person, it’s easy to see that at first glance, but maybe she’d lie to me for that very reason—so as not to hurt me?
“Sometimes you grow to love a person although it would be better for everyone if you didn’t. You’re that kind of person, Cleo. We trust you. I believe in you.”
The Outcast Ones Page 11