What She Deserved

by A. L. Jambor

  What is wrong with you? This is Phil for God's sake.

  "Why don't we go to Oceanville?" she said.

  He looked down at her face to see if she was joking, but the look in her eyes was sincere.

  "Are you sure?" he asked. "You know anywhere we go will be crowded."

  Her eyes lit up. "What about Atlantic City? I haven't been there in ages. What do you say, Phil?"

  No. Phil says no. The whole town will be full of people looking for a parking spot.

  "I'm hungry and I worked all day," he said. "I don't want to go there. Let's try Oceanville."

  Mari's face fell, but she followed him to the back of the hardware store to his car. They spoke little as they went down the parkway and Mari gripped the armrest as new scenery rolled by. She hadn't seen Oceanville since leaving the hospital and was unimpressed by the proliferation of strip malls and tourist shops. There were, however, more restaurants, and Phil took her to a small place owned by one of his mother's friends. There was a line there, too, but Phil smiled as they went to the door.

  "Watch this," he said.

  He went up to the hostess and said something, then she left her podium and returned with an older man who smiled and hugged Phil. Mari's eyebrows rose as she watched the big smile Phil gave the man. This was someone Phil liked, and it was strange seeing him so animated.

  The man led them to a small table at the back of the restaurant. Phil introduced him to Mari, and the man winked. He shook Phil's hand once more before leaving them alone.

  "This is a nice place," Mari said.

  "I came here when I was a kid. My parents knew Sal and his wife."

  "This place smells wonderful."

  "It's the food. It's really good."

  The Italian feast that followed gave Mari a stomachache, but she wouldn't have changed a thing. She wanted a piece of rum cake, but she was too full. She watched as the waiter rolled the dessert cart away and sighed.

  "That was so good," she said.

  "I'm glad I thought of this. It had to be somewhere special tonight." She smiled. "You crossed the line, and drove."

  Mari shuddered. "Yeah, and I got a job, too."

  She waited for his reaction and was happy to see him smile.

  "A real job."

  "Yes, in fact, my old job. They called because the guy they hired walked out and they're desperate. Kathy said the producer has seen the light and now he knows how good I am."

  Phil was smiling at her like he'd smiled at Sal, but Mari was feeling overwhelmed.

  "Do you think I'm pushing myself too fast?"

  He shook his head. "Not at all; I think you're ready."

  She flicked the end of the cloth napkin with her finger as she thought about asking Phil to come to New York with her. It was such a big decision, and he had a job, one he had found for himself. For all she knew, he was just as excited about doing what he loved as she was. Would he go with her just to make her happy? She knew he liked her, and so far, he had been able to keep his feelings in check, but if she asked him to come, would he take it the wrong way?

  Mari liked Phil, she really did, but she was still mourning Harry, which, as she thought of it, was strange since she'd only known him for four days. Was she using Harry as an excuse, too? As long as she thought she had feelings for him, she could avoid any romantic entanglements. As she sipped her wine, she wondered if she had ever loved Harry at all. He had been such a nice man, such a good lover, and she needed someone to make her feel better after losing her mother. Had she been wrong about Harry all this time? If so, then maybe she was wrong about Phil, too. Maybe he was the one for her.

  "You look full," he said with a smile.

  She had her hands on her stomach.

  "I've never eaten so much in my life."

  "Are you ready to go?"

  She nodded, and as she went to the door, he went to look for Sal. She went outside and stood on the sidewalk. Oceanville was nothing like Cape Alden. There were three-lane streets and taxis. Few people walked the streets, and the street lights made it impossible to see the stars. It was sort of a mini New York City, and Mari felt sad. She'd really miss that sleepy little town.

  Phil came out of the restaurant and saw her standing under a streetlight, her red curls glistening, and his heart nearly broke. She was going away, so far that he wouldn't see her again, and the reality had a strange impact on him. He went up to her, put his hand on her cheek, and kissed her.

  Mari let him kiss her, resisting her first impulse to push him away and giggle. She couldn't let this go too far, not if she wanted to remain friends with him, so she put her hands on his chest and pulled her lips away.

  "I have to ask you something," she said.

  "Okay."

  "Kathy said I could have an assistant. I want you."

  Phil backed away and looked at her.

  "So, you don't want this relationship to be anything but a friendship because you couldn't be your boyfriend's boss, right?"

  "Yes, because it would be awkward and weird." She put her hand on his arm. "You and Cassie are my best friends. I can't take her with me, but I hoped, I really thought you could come with me. I don't know if I can do this alone."

  "You know I have a job."

  "Yes, and I'll respect you if you decide you can't do this for me, but I couldn't let things get...well, any stranger until you decide what you want to do."

  "And if I say I'll keep my job, would you see me that way?"

  She took her hand away and bit her lower lip. He looked so earnest, so hopeful, and she was so screwed up. Thoughts ran around her mind, thoughts of Phil putting his arms around her, protecting her, guiding her through her recovery. What did she feel for him anyway?

  Stop, she told the thoughts. Let me just feel.

  She liked him, she cared for him, but she also knew that one day she would hurt him as she had every other man who tried to make her happy. Phil was different, yes, but he was still a man.

  "I'm afraid," she said. "I can't trust myself."

  "What does that mean?" he asked.

  "It means before I would have been with you, taking you for granted, and using you when my feelings changed. I can't do that to you."

  "You've changed. You said so yourself, so why not give me a chance?"

  She spun around and walked away. "Because you are a good guy, a genuine good guy."

  "And that's a bad thing?" He came up behind her and put his hand on her shoulder. "Come on, Mari."

  "I don't deserve someone like you." She started sobbing. "I'm not good enough for you."

  He turned her around and hugged her.

  "That's bullshit. If you don't feel that way about me, okay, but don't give me that."

  He held her and she calmed down. He took her hand and led her to the car. She wanted to grab him and hold him, but he was already opening the car door. She slid into the passenger seat and waited for him to get in and say something, but he remained silent. What did she want? Why was she pushing him away?

  "It's not bullshit," she said. "I'm a terrible girlfriend. My work always comes first, and I forget to do things like leave messages, or cook, or remember birthdays. And what's worse is I don't even care. I don't feel guilty." She reached for his hand. "You are one of the nicest people I've ever met. You care about things like taking your mug to the counter so the server doesn't have to. I'll never care about that, and I just don't know if you could handle being with someone as selfish as me."

  "You haven't met my mother," he said.

  She burst out laughing. "No, I haven't."

  Phil smiled. "I don't care about any of that. All I care about is knowing that you're okay."

  Phil started the car and pulled out into traffic. When they stopped at a red light, he looked at Mari.

  "Do you like me?" he asked.

  She looked at his kind face, his glasses, and his receding hairline. He wasn't her type at all, but looking at him made her feel happy. When he smiled, she felt good. Maybe this wa
s better than all that passionate love crap she'd felt in the past. Maybe this is what those long marriages were made of.

  "Yes."

  "Do you think there's a chance in hell for us?"

  "Yes."

  "Then if you want me to be your assistant, I'll do it. I don't care if you're my boss or whatever, because you already are my boss, and I want to be with you. I love you."

  She might not love Phil, but she liked him a whole lot. Maybe one day she would love him. She unbuckled her seatbelt, slid next to him, and gave him a kiss. It lasted until the car behind them beeped when the light changed.

  Mari

  The next day, Mari walked to Charlie Jackson's house and watched the swimmers rolling on the waves of the ocean. They would all be gone next week, as would Mari, who had called Kathy to tell her she would take the job.

  "I already know who I want for an assistant," she said. "His name is Phil. He's a good guy."

  Kathy was thrilled Mari was coming back and told her they would pay for a hotel room until Mari found a place of her own. That took one thing off Mari's list. She and Phil would have time to find something once they were settled in New York.

  Ginger had called and invited Mari for lunch. As she approached the house, Mari saw a man in a suit walking around the yard. She smiled at him as she neared the front door. Ginger answered her knock and invited her inside.

  "That man is an appraiser," she said. "He's going to tell me what I need to do to get this place sold."

  "You look happier than the last time I saw you," Mari said.

  "I'm going home. I can't wait to see my family."

  "Well, I got a job."

  Ginger smiled. "Oh, dear, that's wonderful. When do you start?"

  "I'm supposed to go to New York this weekend, but Phil has to work on Monday, and I have to pack my stuff, so we'll probably go up there on Tuesday."

  "Phil is going with you?" Mari blushed and nodded. "I knew you two were made for each other the minute I saw you together. Well, this is a day to celebrate. I've made us soup and sandwiches."

  Ginger had the sandwiches on a plate waiting on the dining room table, and Beelzebub was sitting on the breakfront looking at the food when they came in.

  "He's going to his new home later today," Ginger said. "I'm going to miss the old thing."

  "He looks like he's seen better days."

  "He's not so bad. He's just a bit beaten up is all. Why don't you sit while I get the soup?"

  Mari sat and looked at the place settings. There were two spoons for each of them, and it occurred to Mari that she might get away with taking the one Ginger used to eat her soup without the older lady even missing it. It would contain her DNA. Mari had seen some plastic bags in the cupboard when they were cleaning. She'd have to find a way to get one without Ginger noticing.

  The grilled cheese sandwiches were good and the tomato soup wasn't too sweet. They ate and talked about the old house and Mari tried to get Ginger to tell her what it was like growing up in Wisconsin. When they were done, Ginger got up to take the plates away, and Mari saw an opportunity to get the DNA.

  "Sit," she said. "I'll take them to the sink."

  Ginger returned to her seat as Mari took the plates to the kitchen. She went to the cupboard, got a plastic bag, and slid Ginger's soup spoon inside. The bag fit in Mari's pocket, so she kept it there until she could put it in her purse. She rinsed off the plates and put them into the dishwasher before returning to Ginger.

  "I wanted to ask you something," Ginger said. "You did some research on that murder near the lighthouse, didn't you?"

  "Yes."

  "What do you know about Joshua Jackson?"

  Mari hoped she wouldn't blush. She had sworn to herself that she would never tell Ginger the truth about her mother and father, and she meant to keep that promise. She folded her hands on the table and pursed her lips.

  "Not much. I know he was an athlete during high school."

  "I found some things in Charlie's desk that puzzled me. There were articles about Joshua Jackson, and I'd never heard of him, so I had a talk with Birdie the other night. She told me he was our big brother."

  "Really, and you never knew about him?"

  "No one ever said a word about him. Birdie told me he died in an accident and after that, mama couldn't stand to hear his name. I didn't press her, but it still doesn't make any sense to me that they wouldn't tell me. He was my brother. I should have been told, especially after mama died."

  "Maybe it was hard for Birdie to talk about it."

  "But my other sisters knew and they never said anything either. Don't you think that's odd? It makes me so angry to think about it. I feel like a fool."

  "I'm sure they didn't mean to hurt you."

  Ginger sighed. "I know, but after all these years...

  "Did she tell you where the accident happened?"

  "Here, in New Jersey. I asked her where he's buried, and she said she didn't know. It's as if they all just forgot about him. It just breaks my heart."

  Mari clenched her teeth. She had to keep her mouth shut.

  "Do you think Constance would know?" Ginger asked. "I know it's a long shot, but if he was in an accident in town, she might know what happened. The articles said he was the star of his team."

  "Did Charlie keep anything else?"

  "Not much, just some clippings, and photos, and a gold necklace with a broken clasp. They were in a file with that Charlotte Johnson's name on it."

  Mari clasped her hands tightly.

  "Look, if he died before you were born, it might just be that they figured you wouldn't care about him. I have relatives I can barely remember. We all do."

  "But he was my brother." Ginger sighed again. "The poor thing, how could they all just forget he existed?"

  "Are you okay?" Mari reached for Ginger's hand.

  "Oh, I'm all right."

  "Would you mind if I looked at that folder?"

  "Not at all. It's in the top drawer of his desk."

  Mari got up and went down the hall to Charlie's study. She opened the desk drawer and pulled out the folder. The chain fell on the desk, and Mari looked at the charm bearing the pearl. It was the necklace Charlie ripped off Charlotte's neck after he killed her. Another trophy.

  She looked at the clippings and the photos. There was nothing new in them, so Mari put them back in the folder. The study was paneled in dark, carved wood, and it felt like a tomb. Mari left it and went back to Ginger, who had brought a cake to the table.

  "I need something sweet," she said. "How about you?"

  "I'm always up for cake."

  Mari smiled and Ginger laughed. They each ate two pieces of cake and when it was time for Mari to go, they hugged for a long time.

  "You've been a big help to me," Ginger said. She slipped a piece of paper into Mari's hand. "That's our phone numbers. Please call and let me know how things go."

  Ginger had given her Birdie's number, too. As she walked home, Mari put the numbers into her contact list. She was happy she hadn't had to ask for them. She had a few questions for Ginger's big sister, and now was as good a time as any to call her. Mari dialed her number and waited for Birdie to pick it up.

  Birdie's voice was hoarse, like someone who'd smoked all her life. Mari explained who she was, and when Birdie understood, Mari asked her point blank what had happened to Josh after they left New Jersey.

  "I don't know," Birdie said.

  "I just talked to Ginger and she's upset you didn't tell her about her brother." Mari waited, half expecting Birdie to hang up, but she didn't. She didn't talk either. "I know how Josh died. What I want to know is where is he buried?"

  "How dare you?"

  "How dare I what? Your sister is very upset. She called me because she doesn't understand why she was kept in the dark about her brother for over seventy years."

  There was a pause. Mari could hear Birdie breathing.

  "You wouldn't tell her, would you?"

  "Never, beca
use it would hurt her terribly."

  "You have to understand, I don't remember much about that...time. I was ten. All I remember is being in the back of the truck. Josh was lying between us and Charlie told us that Josh was sleeping."

  "When did you find out he was dead?"

  There was another pause.

  "We were told after we got to Wisconsin. My grandmother told us he had been in an accident and Mama wanted to bring him home to be buried."

  "Where did they bury him?"

  Birdie sniffled. "Behind the barn. We were told not to go there."

  "And no one ever asked about him?"

  "We were young. Grandma told us if we told anyone, we would be arrested. We believed her."

  Geez, such an ignoble end for the golden boy of Cape Alden.

  "What about Charlie? Did anyone say anything about Charlie?"

  "Charlie stayed in his room a lot back then. Grandma said he was sick. She taught him at home." She paused and Mari heard her breathing hard. "You promise you won't tell her."

  "I promise. I care about her too much to hurt her that way." Mari stopped walking. "Birdie, I know Charlie killed Charlotte Johnson."

  Birdie gasped. "What are you talking about?"

  "He killed her after she killed Josh. Josh was trying to hurt her and she bashed him over the head with an oil lamp."

  "That's not true. I don't believe you."

  "Well, believe it or not, it happened."

  Mari imagined Birdie thinking back, putting the pieces together in her own mind.

  "She was a nice lady," Birdie said. "She always waved at us when we played on the beach."

  "She was also pregnant by Josh. Did you know that? Did you ever ask where Ginger came from?"

  "Oh, dear." Birdie was breathing hard. "Oh, my God."

  "Did you? Did you ever ask?"

  Mari was angry, but she was talking to the wrong person. Birdie was innocent. It was Charlie who deserved this interrogation, and when Mari realized what she was doing, she pulled the phone away from her face and tried to calm down.

  "I'm sorry, Birdie. It wasn't your fault."

  "I'm sorry, too. It all makes sense now, the way my mother treated Charlie, and how she loved Ginger."

  "Ginger is a sweet woman. I'm very fond of her. I don't want her to know what happened."