Shape Of Love

  “Oh wow, that is something,” Kristy said. “It's something, but I bet I can beat it.”

  “Oh yeah,” Sam gave a small nod. “Come on then. Let's see what you've got.”

  “Oh you're gonna see it,” Kristy said in a mock-competitive tone.

  She lifted her wand, pursed her lips, and blew as hard and as quickly as she could. Instead of one large bubble, several small bubbles emerged from the wand, and instantly scattered as the wind took them.

  Sam chuckled.

  “Really? That's it?”

  Kristy playfully slapped at his forearm.

  “Stop!” she laughed. “I wasn't ready.”

  “You mean you don't have any technique. You can't just blow all at once, like that. You have to blow a steady, even stream of air.”

  Kristy snorted.

  “That's what she said.”

  Sam felt his mouth pop open.

  “Whoa! We're going there now, huh?”

  Kristy giggled.

  “I'm sorry. Those jokes are so dumb. I don't usually do that, but it was just too easy that time. I could pass that up.”

  They continued to blow bubbles for another few minutes. Each small cluster of bubbles, floated across the lawn, and Sam could see several of their bubbles floating as far as ten yards away, dispersing across the jogger's path that cut through the lawn.

  “Hey Sam?”

  Sam stopped mid-bubble and met Kristy's eyes.

  “Yeah?”

  “I'm...I'm really liking hanging out with you. You're really nice. You're really fun to talk to and I feel really comfortable with you.”

  “Thanks Kristy. I mean, I feel the same. You're really interesting. You have so much passion. I really like being around you.”

  “Right,” Kristy said. “But here's the thing. Even though I really like you, there are certain parts of my life...well, you don't know everything about me yet. I'm just so nervous about all of this. I don't know if I can handle a relationship...”

  Sam could feel that his face was falling. He could feel his smile dropping away, and he could sense the way that his brow furrowed. But despite how much it hurt to hear this from Kristy, he had to admit to himself that his own feelings were not far off.

  “Are you okay, Sam?” Kristy asked in a soft voice.

  Sam coughed.

  “Yeah, I mean I appreciate you being honest.”

  “Sam..”

  “No, it's okay,” he interjected. “It can be really scary to make yourself vulnerable to another person. I get that. I'm not gonna pretend that I'm not a little scared. I've never actually had a serious relationship.”

  Kristy's eyes widened.

  “Really?”

  “Yeah, I think we have a lot in common. There is some stuff about me that I'm not always so quick to share. I just like to make sure that I'm going to be accepted and understood by a person before I go pouring everything out. But if we keep dating, I am going to tell you everything. I'm just not quite there yet.”

  Kristy blinked rapidly and nodded briskly.

  “I need some time too. But if you're okay with that, if you're okay with....not lying or hiding anything...but just sort of agreeing that we can each maintain a certain amount of privacy for a while.”

  “That sounds wonderful to me,” Sam said.

  “Okay,” Kristy agreed.

  They stood and gathered up the red blanket. Kristy folded it neatly into a square and tucked it back into her large shoulder bag.

  “So Sam,” Kristy said. “Can I just ask you one more thing?”

  “Sure,” Sam said. “Shoot.”

  Kristy gave a coquettish smile and tilted her head. Her light brown hair fell across her forehead, the wispy strands fluttering the breeze.

  “Will you walk me home?” she asked.

  A smile broke out across Sam's face. He'd been worried for a minute there.

  He nodded, closing his eyes.

  “Of course, Kristy.”

  Kristy took hold of his arm and Sam felt his heart begin to pound. She was so lovely, and small and sweet. He needed so much to make this work with her. Now that he knew how it felt to have her clinging to his arm, he didn't know how he could ever go back to a life that didn't include it. The grip of her fingers was firm against his arm. With her free hand, she swung her bag back and forth. Back and forth; in sync with their walk.

  They reached Kristy's doorstop about a half hour later, and once more Sam wondered if he ought to kiss her. She paused facing him, looking at him in a manner that was, very nearly, imploring. Her chin was tilted upwards, and her hand remained pressed against his arm.

  He felt that her body language was open and that she was hinting she wanted to be kissed. But what if he was wrong? What if she refused him again? What if she turned her face away, tucking her chin into her neck to avoid his lips. And before Sam could make a decision one way or the other, it was Kristy that was sending her lips crashing into his. She was too small in stature to make it, but he bent at the waist, and met her halfway.

  Her lips were soft and warm against his. Sam felt a spark of electricity as he pressed his lips into hers. Kristy's breath was light and warm. It smelled sweet and was faintly tinged with the aroma of cinnamon gum. Sam pressed harder into Kristy's lips and he felt Kristy's lips part as she gasped against him. Sam brought his hand to the back of Kristy's head and tangled his hand in her hair. He pulled Kristy tighter against him. Their lips shifted back and forth, caressing and rolling against one another. Kristy moved in closer, eliminating the minimal space that was between their bodies. Sam groaned as he felt Kristy's slender frame pressed firmly against his own. Her breathing quickened and her breasts crushed into Sam's own hard, muscled torso. He brought his second hand down to the small of her back. She made him feel so large and masculine. His hand covered nearly the entire width of her back. She was so tiny and delicate in his arms.

  Kristy parted her lips then, darting her tongue out to roll it coyly across Sam's bottom lip. Sam pulled back and looked down into Kristy's flushed face. Her chest was still rising and falling at an accelerated rate and she was staring up at him with an expression that was something like breathless and needy wonder. She blinked and then looked shyly away. Taking a step back and Sam's hands fell away from her small body.

  Kristy laughed, a short and lyrical laugh. It was stilted in a way that showcased her nerves.

  Sam smiled and Kristy looked up to meet his eyes. She smiled back and the edges of her eyes crinkled slightly.

  “Your eyes are beautiful you know,” Sam said. “They're the most gorgeous shade of brown I've ever seen.”

  “Thank you,” Kristy replied with a grin. “And if I can give you a compliment, you're a pretty amazing kisser.”

  “Thanks.”

  They both hovered at the edge of the brownstone for another moment, and then Kristy began to back towards the steps.

  “Well,” she said. “I guess, I'll see you later?”

  Sam nodded fervently.

  “Absolutely,” he said. “How about this weekend?”

  Kristy giggled and ran a hand through her wavy hair.

  “Sure,” she said. “Saturday?”

  “I'll pick you up at seven,” Sam replied with a wink.

  Kristy sent the most radiant smile his way, before turning to skip up the steps of the brownstone apartment building. Sam watched her hair float and flutter behind her.

  Chapter Nine

  Kristy signed as she fluffed her hair in the mirror. She was going to wear it down again, as she had on her previous two dates with Sam. He seemed to like her hair down.

  Kristy felt her eyelids begin to flutter rapidly. Tears pricked at her eyes. She took a deep draw of breath in, filling her lungs with air. She was consumed with worry and dread.

  After that kiss with Sam, all doubt had been erased from her mind. He was the man for her. She wanted to be with him. Despite her fears and unease, she wanted a relationship with him. But that meant that she was go
ing to have to open up. She had to tell Sam the truth about herself. But of course that meant that he may not want to see her anymore. There had been so many times when boys had wanted to stop seeing her once they knew. Some were even angry that she hadn't told them sooner.

  Kristy leaned forward at her vanity and began to apply mascara to her lashes. She loved the way that mascara emphasized and lengthened her already voluminous eyelashes. It made her feel so feminine.

  Kristy bit her trembling lip. Feminine. She remembered the last boy that had taken her out. She'd told him at the end of their first date, when he'd tried to kiss her. He'd been angry and had glared down at her with widened eyes, looking at her as if she were someone new. He had told her that he couldn't continue to see her, now that he knew she wasn't a real woman. She wasn't a real woman.

  There were times when that fragmented sentiment echoed inside of her mind, reverberating against the inside of her skull and banging into her brain. Today was one of those times. She knew that Sam was different. He was kind and considerate. Kristy tried to reassure herself. She tried to convince herself that even if Sam didn't want to continue seeing her, he wouldn't mistreat her. He wouldn't become angry and act as though Kristy's very identity was somehow an affront to his own. He wouldn't act as though he had been wronged, simply by Kristy being who she was. Kristy tried to convince herself of this, and still she couldn't shake that phantasm of a thought. Not a real woman. You're not a real woman.

  Kristy jumped as she heard the door of the apartment bang open. Lizette. She was always so loud and clumsy. She couldn't enter or exit a room without a symphony of banging and clattering. She could never simply open a door, but seemed to only know how to slam and throw them. Kristy decided that it was all of her exuberant energy that caused it. Lizette had too much potential energy fizzling beneath her skin and it manifested itself in noisy and overarching gestures and movements.

  “Kristy!” Lizette called from the hall. “You home?”

  “Yeah,” Kristy called back. “I'm just in the bedroom getting ready. Sam's taking me out.”

  Kristy smiled as Lizette clamored into the bedroom, tossing her teal green shoulder bag on the bed by the door.

  “Oooohh,” Lizette cooed. “Look at you, getting all dolled up. Your man's taking you out again, huh?”

  Lizette plopped down on the vanity bench beside Kristy, giving her shoulders a firm squeeze.

  Kristy shook her head and gave a dry laugh.

  “He's not my man,” Kristy said flatly, as she began to apply a thin layer of contour to her cheekbones. “And after we talk tonight, he might not want to be my man. In fact, he might not want to ever see me again.”

  Kristy paused once more to blink back tears and released a short puff of air, blowing it out slowly between her lips.

  Lizette nodded and patted Kristy softly on the back and then leaving her hand, letting her palm rest between the peaks of Kristy's shoulder blades.

  “You're going to tell him tonight?” Lizette asked.

  “Yes. I'm going to tell him that I'm trans.”

  Kristy stood, giving her hair one last pat, steeling herself for the night to come.

  Chapter Ten

  Sam was already standing at Kristy's front steps when she flung the door open and stepped outside. Sam caught himself standing up just a bit straighter and smoothing the imagined wrinkles out of his buttoned up shirt.

  Kristy didn't seem to notice him at first. She faltered on the step for a moment after closing the door. Sam watched as she took a deep breath and shifted from one foot to the other and back again, before blowing a loud raspberry from between her full lips.

  Sam coughed and took another step forward.

  Kristy gasped and flung a hand to her heart. Sam grinned at the gesture. It was adorably melodramatic and the best part was that he was sure the action hadn't been intentional on Kristy's part. It seemed to have been done as startled reflex. Even her bodily intuition was feminine and pronounced. The immediate pleasure that Sam felt in her presence dissipated quickly, as he thought of what he had to tell her tonight. He had to tell Kristy the truth about who he was. He had to know that she accepted him for who he was. But then there was that nagging little thought; what if she didn't?

  “Sam,” Kristy said breathlessly. Her cheeks brightened and Sam felt his blood begin to pump harder. She was so incredibly beautiful, so charmingly bashful. It was absolutely precious.

  “Hey Kristy. You look beautiful tonight.”

  Sam took a moment, allowing his eyes to roam up and down Kristy's slender frame. Tonight she wore a form-fitting pink halter dress. It hugged at her curves, dipping in to accentuate the slope of her belly and the jaunty angles of her prominent hip bones. When Sam's eyes came to Kristy's feet, he felt a stirring in his gut, not to mention...other places. She wore clunky white wedge heels. They laced up the backs of her shapely calves. Her toenails were painted sky blue and matched the tiny clutch in Kristy's left hand.

  Kristy smiled shyly and began to descend the short flight of steps, coming down to meet Sam on the sidewalk.

  “Evening Sam. You look very handsome too. I like that shirt on you. Blue is a good color for you. It goes really nicely with your hair and your eyes.”

  Sam shrugged.

  “I wouldn't know about any of that stuff,” he said with an easy laugh. “I never know what goes with anything, but I am really glad that you think it works. If you think I look presentable, well that's all that I'm trying to achieve.”

  Kristy shrugged and reached out to clasp one of Sam's hands.

  “I do,” she murmured. “You look more than presentable actually. You look really really hot.”

  “Well, thank you!” Sam exclaimed.

  He laughed as Kristy blushed once more, and raised her clutch to momentarily hide her face.

  Kristy stepped forward and looped her arm through Sam's, pressing up against his side.

  “Let's go,” she said, her voice now slighter tighter. It had an added degree of tension.

  “Something wrong?” Sam asked.

  Kristy looked up at Sam and bit her lip.

  “Sort of..” she mumbled, noncommittally. “I don't know..no?...maybe?..”

  “Hmmm,” Sam said.

  Kristy laughed nervously.

  “Yes...well, there is something that we need to talk about. I...I want to tell you something about myself.”

  “Okay,” Sam said. “You can tell me anything that you want to.”

  Kristy nodded and pulled her arm free of Sam's. She slowed her pace as they made their way onto an avenue where the foot traffic was not as congested. She stepped off to the side of the pavement as they passed a cluster of fruit stands. She began halfheartedly inspecting the tomatoes, but quickly moved on to the kale.

  Sam waited for her to speak. He knew that he still had to talk to tell her his secrets, but she seemed so vexed. He wanted to give her an opportunity to unburden herself first.

  Kristy continued to fuss with the vegetables, twisting a lock of hair around her fingers and frantically chewing her bottom lip.

  “Ummm..I don't know,” she said after a moment. She kept her eyes on the wares before her, not looking at Sam. “I think I'm not brave enough yet. Maybe later..”

  Sam put a hand on the small of her back.

  “You don't have to be afraid to tell me anything, you know,” he said. “I won't judge you. I'm not gonna think any differently of you.”

  Kristy gave a sharp laugh and blinked rapidly.

  “I'm not sure you can promise that,” she said tartly. “You have no idea what I'm gonna say to you, and people always look at me differently after they know.”

  Kristy began to walk briskly back down the sidewalk.

  Sam hustled to keep up, breaking into a jog.

  “Kristy! Hold up!”

  “Sorry,” Kristy whispered. She began to slow her stride.

  “Hey, it's okay,” Sam said softly. “Look, we're gonna have a great time today and
whatever you need to tell me, just...tell me when you're ready. Okay?”

  Kristy nodded and looked up into Sam's eyes. Her own eyes were shiny with tears.

  The two of them were quiet for the duration of the subway ride. They were headed over to the Metropolitan Museum. Sam had suggested it to Kristy after Kristy had told him all about the Memento Mori Dutch still-life paintings. Sam hadn't ever been very interested in art, but hearing Kristy talk about it made him curious. She was so passionate and lit up, talking about the way that inanimate objects were used to portray life as something fleeting and temporary. It sounded as though the paintings had definite religious overtones, but was there anything from the sixteenth century that didn't?

  Sitting together on the train, Sam put his arm around Kristy and gathered his courage. There were hardly any other passengers in the car, and all three of them were seated at the other end. He decided that now was the time.

  Sam cleared his throat and sat up a bit straighter.

  “Kristy, listen, there's something that I need to tell you too.”

  Kristy shifted in her seat, looking up at Sam with parted lips.

  “What's going on?” she asked.

  “Right, so I really like you Kristy..”

  Sam pulled his arm away from Kristy's side and began to tug anxiously at the bottom of his plaid shirt.

  “Anyway,” he continued. “I like you and I hope that this might become something. Something real and important. But I have to tell you about myself, about who I am, before we go any further.”

  “Okay,” Kristy said. “Well, just like you said to me, you can tell me anything.”

  “Right...” Sam said, and then before he could think about it for another second, before he had the chance to talk himself out of it, he blurted the words.

  “Kristy, I'm trans.”

  Sam watched as Kristy's eyes widened and her mouth popped open.

  “What?” she asked incredulously. “Do you just say that you're trans? You were born a biological female?”

  “Yeah..” Sam said slowly. “I was. I'm fully transitioned now. I'm the full Ken doll....”