The Five Jars

by M. R. James

  VI

  THE CAT, WAG, SLIM AND OTHERS

  I got out my precious casket. I sat by the window and watched. The moonshone out, the lid of the box loosened in due course, and I touched myforehead with the ointment. But neither at once nor for some little timeafter did I notice any fresh power coming to me.

  With the moon, up came also the little town, and no sooner were thedoors of the houses level with the grass than the boys were out of themand running in some numbers towards my window; in fact, some slipped outof their own windows, not waiting for the doors to be available. Wag wasthe first. Slim, more sedate, came among the crowd that followed. Thesewere still the only two who felt no hesitation about talking to me. Theothers were all fully occupied in exploring the room.

  "To-morrow," I said (after some sort of how-do-you-do's had beenexchanged), "you'll be flying all over the place, I suppose."

  "Yes," said Wag, shortly. "But I want to know--I say, Slim, what was itwe wanted first?"

  "Wasn't there a message from your father?" said Slim.

  "Oh, yes, of course. 'If they're about the house,' he said, 'give themhorseshoes; if there's a bat-ball, squirt at it': he thinks there's asquirt in the tool-house--Oh, there's the cat; I must----" Afterdelivering all this in one sentence, he rushed to the edge of the tableand took a kind of header into the midst of the unfortunate animal, who,however, only moaned or crowed without waking, and turned partly over onher back.

  Slim remained sitting on a book and gazing soberly at me.

  "Well," I said, "it's very kind of Wag's father to send me a message,but I must say I can't make much of it."

  Slim nodded. "So he said, and he said you'd see when the time came; ofcourse I don't know, myself; I've never seen a bat-ball. Wag says hehas, but you never know with Wag."

  "Well, I must do the best I can, I suppose; but look here, Slim, I wishyou could tell me one or two things. What _are_ you? What do they callyou?"

  "They call me Slim: and the whole of us they call the Right People,"said Slim; "but it's no good asking us much, because we don't know, andbesides, it isn't good for us."

  "How do you mean?"

  "Why, you see, our job is to keep the little things right, and if we domore than that, or if we try to find out much more, then we burst."

  "And is that the end of you?"

  "Oh, no!" he said cheerfully, "but that's one of the things it's no goodasking."

  "And if you don't do your job, what then?"

  "Oh, then they get smaller and have no sense." (He said _they_, not_we_, I noticed.)

  "I see. Well now, you go to school, don't you?" He nodded. "What for?Isn't that likely to be bad for you?" (I hardly liked to say "make youburst.")

  "No," he said; "you see, it's to learn our job. We have to be told whatused to go on, so as we can put things right, or keep them right. Andthe owls, you see, they remember a long way back, but they don't knowany more than we do about the swell things."

  I was very shy about putting the next question I had in mind, but I feltI must. "Now do you know how old you are, or how long it takes you togrow up, or how--how long you go on when you _are_ grown up!"

  He pressed his hands to his head, and I was dreadfully afraid for themoment that it might be swelling and would burst; but it was not so badas that. After a few seconds he looked up and said:

  "I think it's seven times seven moons since I went to school and seventimes seven times seven moons before I grow up; and the rest is no goodasking. But it's all right"; upon which he smiled.

  And this, I may say, was the most part of what I ventured to ask any ofthem about themselves. But at other times I gathered that as long asthey "did their job" nothing could injure them; and they were regularlymeasured--all of them--to see if they were getting smaller, and acareful record kept. But if anyone lost as much as a quarter of hisheight, he was doomed, and he crept off out of the settlement. Whethersuch a one ever came back I could not be sure; most of the failures (andthey were not common) went and lived in hollow trees or by brooks, andwere happy enough, but in a feeble way, not remembering much, nor ableto make anything; and it was supposed that very slowly they shrunk tothe size of a pin's point, and probably to nothing. All the same, it wasbelieved that they _could_ recover. Many other things that _you_ wouldhave asked, I did not, being anxious to avoid giving trouble.

  But this time, anyhow, I felt I had catechized Slim long enough, so Ibroke off and said:

  "What can Wag be doing all this while?"

  "There's no knowing," said Slim. "But he's very quiet for him; eitherhe's doing something awful, or he's asleep."

  "I saw him with the cat last," I said; "you might go and look at her."

  He walked to the edge of the table, and said, "Why, he _is_ asleep!" Andso he was, with his head on the cat's chest, under her chin, which shehad turned up; and she had put her front paws together over the top ofhis head. As for the others, I descried them sitting in a circle in acorner of the room, also very quiet. (I imagine they were a littleafraid of doing much without Wag, and also of waking him.) But I couldnot make out what they were doing, so I asked Slim.

  "Racing earwigs, I should think," he said, with something of contempt.

  "Well, I hope they won't leave them about when they go. I don't likeearwigs."

  "Who does?" he said; "but they'll take them away all right; they'reprize ones, some of them."

  I went over and looked at the racing for a little. The course was neatlymarked out with small lights sprouting out of the boards, and the circlewas at the winning-post, the starters being at the other end, some sixfeet away. I watched one heat. The earwigs seemed to me neither veryspeedy nor very intelligent, and all except one were apt to stop inmid-course and engage in personal encounters with each other.

  I was beginning to wonder how long this would go on, when Wag woke up.Like most of us, he was not willing to allow that he had been asleep.

  "I thought I'd just lie down a bit," he said, "and then I didn't want tobustle your cat, so I stopped there. And now I want to know--Slim, Isay, what was it you were asking me?"

  "Me asking you? I don't know."

  "Oh, yes, you do; what he was doing the other time before we came in."

  "I didn't ask you that; you asked me."

  "Well, it doesn't matter who asked." (Turning to me): "What _were_ youdoing?"

  "I don't know," I said. "Was it these things I was using" (taking up apack of cards), "or something like this?" (I held up a book.)

  "Yes, that one. What were you doing with it? What's it for?"

  "We call it reading a book," and I tried to explain what the idea was,and read out a few lines; it happened to be _Pickwick_. They wereabsorbed. Slim said, half to himself, "Something like a glass," which Ithought quite meaningless at the time. Then I showed them a picture inanother book. That they made out very quickly.

  "But when's it going to move on?" said Slim.

  "Never," I said. "Ours stop just like that always. Do yours move on?"

  "Of course they do; look here." He lay down on the tablecloth andpressed his forehead on it, but evidently could make nothing of it."It's all rough," he said. I gave him a sheet of paper. "That's better;"and he lay down again in the same posture for a few seconds. Then he gotup and began rubbing the paper all over with the palms of his hands. Ashe did so a coloured picture came out pretty quickly, and when it wasfinished he drew aside to let me see, and said, somewhat bashfully, "Idon't think I've got it _quite_ right, but I meant it for what happenedthe other evening." He had certainly not got it right as far as I wasconcerned. It was a view of the window of the house, seen from outsideby moonlight, and there was a back view of a row of figures with theirelbows on the sill. So far, so good; but inside the open window wasstanding a figure which was plainly--much too plainly, I thought--meantfor me; far too short and fat, far too red-faced, and with an owlishexpression which I am sure I never wear. This person was now seen tomove his hand--a very poor hand, with only about three fingers--to h
isside, and pull, apparently, out of his body, a round object more or lesslike a watch (at any rate it was white on one side with black marks, andyellow on the other) and lay it down in front of him. At this thefigures at the window-sill threw up their arms in all directions andfell or slid down like so many dolls. Then the picture began to getfainter, and disappeared from the paper. Slim looked at me expectantly.

  "Well," I said, "it's very interesting to see how you do it, but is thatthe best likeness of me that you can make?"

  "What's wrong with it?" said he. "Isn't it handsome enough orsomething?"

  I heard Wag throw himself down on the table, and, looking at him, I sawthat he had got both hands pressed over his mouth.

  "May I ask what the joke is?" I said rather dryly (for it is surprisinghow touchy one can be over one's personal appearance, even at my time oflife). He looked up for an instant at me, and then gasped and hid hisface again. Slim went up to him and kicked him in the ribs.

  "Where's your manners?" he said in a loud whisper. Wag rolled over andsat up, wiping his eyes.

  "I'm very sorry," he said. "I'm sure I don't know what I was laughingfor." Slim whistled. "Well," said Wag, "what _was_ I?"

  "Him, of course, and you know perfectly well!"

  "Oh, was I? Well, perhaps you'll tell me what there is to laugh at abouthim?" said Wag, rather basely, I thought; so, as Slim put his finger tohis lip and looked unhappy, I interrupted.

  "Get up a minute, Wag," I said. "I want to see something."

  "What?" said he, jumping up at once.

  "Stand back to back with Slim, if you don't mind. That's it. Dear me! Ithought you were taller than that--you looked to me taller last night.My mistake, I dare say. All right, thanks." But there they stood, gazingat each other with horror, and I felt I had been trifling with a mostserious subject, so I laughed and said, "Don't disturb yourselves. I wasonly chaffing you, Wag, because you seemed to be doing something of thekind to me."

  Slim understood, and heaved a sigh of relief. Wag sat down on a book andlooked reproachfully upon me. Neither said a word. I was very muchashamed, and begged their pardon as nicely as I knew how. Luckily Wagwas soon convinced that I was not in earnest, and he recovered hisspirits directly.

  "All _right_," he said, nodding at me; "did I hear you say you didn'tlike earwigs? That's worth remembering, Slim."

  This reduced me at once; I tried to point out that he had begun it, andthat it would be a mean revenge, and very hard on the earwigs, if hefilled my room with them, for I should be obliged to kill all I could.

  "Why," he said, "they needn't be real earwigs; my own tickle every bitas much as real ones."

  This was no better for me, and I tried to make more appeals to hisbetter feelings. He did not seem to be listening very attentively,though his eyes were fixed on me.

  "What's that on your neck?" he said suddenly, and at the same moment Ifelt a procession of legs walking over my skin. I brushed at it hastily,and something seemed to fall on the table. "No, the other side I mean,"said he, and again I felt the same horrid tickling and went through thesame exercises, with a face, I've no doubt, contorted with terror.Anyhow, it seemed to amuse them very much; Wag, in fact, was quiteunable to speak, and could only point. It was dull of me not to haverealized at once that these were "his" earwigs and not real ones. Butnow I did, and though I still felt the tickling, I did not move, but satdown and gazed severely at him. Soon he got the better of his mirth andsaid, "I think we are quits now." Then, with sudden alarm, "I say,what's become of the others? The bell hasn't gone, has it?"

  "How should I know?" I said. "If you hadn't been making all thisdisturbance, perhaps we might have heard it."

  He took a flying leap--an extraordinary feat it was--from the edge ofthe table to a chair in the window, scrambled up to the sill, and gazedout. "It's all right," he said, in a faint voice of infinite relief; lethimself down limply to the floor, and climbed slowly up my leg to hisformer place.

  "Well," I said, "the bell hasn't gone, it seems, but where are the rest?I've hardly seen anything of them."

  "Oh, _you_ go and find 'em, Slim; I'm worn out with all these frights."

  Slim went to the farther end of the table, prospected, and returned. Hereported them "all right, but they're having rather a slow time of it, Ithink." I, too, got up, walked round, and looked; they were seated in asolemn circle on the floor round the cat, who was now curled up and fastasleep on a round footstool. Not a word was being said by anybody. Ithought I had better address them, so I said:

  "Gentlemen, I'm afraid I've been very inattentive to you this evening.Isn't there anything I can do to amuse you? Won't you come up on thetable? You're welcome to walk up my leg if you find that convenient."

  I was almost sorry I had spoken the moment after, for they made but onerush at my legs as I stood by the table, and the sensation was ratherlike that, I imagine, of a swarm of rats climbing up one's trousers.However, it was over in a few seconds, and all of them--over adozen--were with Wag and Slim on the table, except one, who, whether bymistake or on purpose, went on climbing me by way of my waistcoatbuttons, rather deliberately, until he reached my shoulder. I didn'tobject, of course, but I turned round (which made him catch at my ear)and went back to my chair, seated in which I felt rather as if I waspresiding at a meeting. The one on my shoulder sat down and, I thought,folded his arms and looked at his friends with some triumph. Wagevidently took this to be a liberty.

  "My word!" he said, "what do you mean by it, Wisp? Come off it!"

  Wisp was a little daunted, as I judged by his fidgeting somewhat, butput a bold face on it and said, "Why should I come off?"

  I put in a word: "I don't mind his being here."

  "I dare say not; that's not the point," said Wag. "Are you coming down?"

  "No," said Wisp, "not for you." But his tone was rather blustering thanbrave.

  "Very well, don't then," said Wag; and I expected him to run up and pullWisp down by the legs, but he didn't do that. He took something out ofthe breast of his tunic, put it in his mouth, lay down on his stomach,and, with his eyes on Wisp, puffed out his cheeks. Two or three secondspassed, during which I felt Wisp shifting about on his perch, andbreathing quickly. Then he gave a sharp shriek, which went right throughmy head, slipped rapidly down my chest and legs and on to the floor,where he continued to squeal and to run about like a mad thing, to thegreat amusement of everyone on the table.

  Then I saw what was the matter. All round his head were a multitude oflittle sparks, which flew about him like a swarm of bees, every now andthen settling and coming off again, and, I suppose, burning him everytime; if he beat them off, they attacked his hands, so he was in a badway. After watching him for about a minute from the edge of the table,Wag called out:

  "Do you apologize?"

  "Yes!" he screamed.

  "All right," said Wag; "stand still! stand still, you bat! How can I get'em back if you don't?" Wag was back to me and I couldn't see what hedid, but Wisp sat down on the carpet free of sparks, and wiped his faceand neck with his handkerchief for some time, while the rest graduallyrecovered from their laughter. "You can come up again now," said Wag;and so he did, though he was slow and shy about it.

  "Why didn't he send sparks at Wag?" said I to Slim.

  "He hasn't got 'em to send," was the answer. "It's only the Captain ofthe moon."

  "Well now, what about a little peace and quiet?" I said. "And, you know,I've never been introduced to you all properly. Wouldn't it be a goodidea to do that, before the bell goes?"

  "Very well," said Wag. "We'll _do_ it properly. You bring 'em up one ata time, Slim, and" (to me) "you put your sun-hand out on the table."

  (_I_: "Sun-hand?"

  _Wag_: "Yes, sun-hand; don't you know?" He held up his right hand, thenhis left: "Sun-hand, Moon-hand, Day-hand, Night-hand, Star-hand,Cloud-hand, and so on."

  _I_: "Thank you.")

  This was done, and meanwhile Slim formed the troop into a queue andbeckoned them up one by
one. Wag stood on a book on the right andproclaimed the name of each. First he had made me arrange my right handedgeways on the table, with the forefinger out. Then "Gold!" said Wag.Gold stepped forward and made a lovely bow, which I returned with aninclination of my head, then took as much of my forefinger top joint inhis right hand as he could manage, bent over it and shook it or triedto, and then took up a position on the left and watched the next comer.The ceremony was the same for everyone, but not all the bows wereequally elegant; some of the boys were jocular, and shook my finger withboth hands and a great display of effort. These were frowned upon byWag. The names (I need not set them all down now) were all of the samekind as you have heard; there was Red, Wise, Dart, Sprat, and so on.After Wisp, who came last and was rather humble, Wag called out Slim,and, after him, descended and presented himself in the same form.

  "And now," he said, "perhaps you'll tell us _your_ name."

  I did so (one is always a little shamefaced about it, I don't know why)in full. He whistled.

  "Too much," he said; "what's the easiest you can do?"

  After some thought I said, "What about M or N?"

  "Much better! If M's all right for you, it'll do for us." So M wasagreed upon.

  I was still rather afraid that the rank and file had been passing a dullevening and would not come again, and I tried to express as much tothem. But they said:

  "Dull? Oh no, M; why we've found out all sorts of things!"

  "Really? What sort of things?"

  "Well, inside the wall in that corner there's the biggest spider I'veever seen, for one thing."

  "Good gracious!" I said. "I hate 'em. I hope it can't get out?"

  "It would have to-night if we hadn't stopped up the hole. Something'sbeen helping it to gnaw through."

  "Has it?" said Wag. "My word! that looks bad. What was it made thehole?"

  Some called out, "A bat," and some "A rat."

  "It doesn't matter much for that," said Slim, "so long as it's safe now.Where is it?"

  "Gone down to the bottom and saying awful things," Red answered.

  "Well, I _am_ obliged to you," I said. "Anything else?"

  "There's a lot of this stuff under the floor," said Dart, pointing withhis foot at a half-crown which lay on the table.

  "Is there? Whereabouts?" said I. "Oh, but I was forgetting; I can lookafter that myself."

  "Yes, of course you can," they said; "and lots of things happened herebefore you came. We were watching. The old man and the woman, they werethe worst, weren't they, Red?"

  "Do you mean you've been here before?" I asked.

  "No, no, but to-night we were looking at them, like we do at school."

  This was beyond me, and I thought it would be of no use to ask for moreexplanations. Besides, just at this moment we heard the bell. They allclambered down either me or the chairs or the tablecloth. Slim lingereda moment to say, "You'll look out, won't you?" and then followed therest on to the window-sill, where, taking the time from Captain Wag,they all stood in a row, bowed with their caps off, straightened upagain, each sang one note, which combined into a wonderful chord, facedround and disappeared. I followed them to the window and saw theinhabitants of the house separating and going to their homes with theyoung ones capering round them. One or two of the elders--Wag's fatherin particular--looked up at me, paused in their walk, and bowed gravely,which courtesy I returned. I went on gazing until the lawn was a blankonce more, and then, closing and fastening the sitting-room window, Ibetook myself to the bedroom.