Two For the Show

by Rhonda Bowen

  She frowns and blows at the wisp of unruly hair that has fallen back into her face again.

  “Okay, so five thirty then,” Dutch says. “I found another place you might like so we can add it to your list.”

  “Okay. Thanks so much for doing this. I know how busy you are.”

  “What? Busy? I am never too busy for her highness Princess Nina Beana.”

  Nina lets out a big sigh. “You are never going to get it are you?”

  Dutch laughs. “See you later, ladies.”

  “Bye!”

  I end the call and move the phone away from the work area.

  “Okay, Nina, just one drop of cookie dough at a time. Not too big, not too small.”

  I watch as her little hands carefully scoop the dough out of the bowl. Her mouth twists in concentration and I smile as the rebellious curl falls into her face again. This time, I reach over and tuck it into the messy ponytail on top of her head.

  I love her so much it hurts. Sometimes at night I stay up watching her sleep in her spot next to me. And sometimes when I am watching, I cry a little, thinking of all the time together we have already missed. I think of all the things I have done. I wish I had been stronger and made Cordelia give me my child. I wish I had been smarter and left when she was born.

  I wish so many things. But as I read the Bible, God drops these precious gems into my heart to keep me from sinking into a pit of depression and regret. Gems like, Isaiah 43:18-19, remember not the former things nor consider the things of old. Behold I am doing a new thing. Gems like 2 Corinthians 5:17, if anyone is in Christ he is a new creation, old things have passed away, behold all things have become new. That one is Delia’s favorite. She writes it everywhere, on the covers of her notebooks, on her Facebook page banner, on a post-it stuck to the mirror in our bathroom. I know she needs to remind herself of this truth often. And honestly, so do I. But when I look at my baby, when I see how perfect Nina is despite everything that happened in the last seven years, I know God is real. He was taking care of her every moment, and so I know I can trust Him to take care of us from here on.

  “Mommy, are we going to find a new apartment today?”

  I turn the cooking tray so she can find more space to place the dough. “I hope so. Uncle D knows some places so he’s going to help us look.”

  “Okay.” She drops a dollop of dough on the tray. “Mommy?”

  “Yes, honey?”

  “Is Uncle D my daddy?”

  My hand knocks the baking tray and it bounces against the cookie bowl. I straighten both items.

  “Uh, no. Why do you ask?”

  “Well, he’s always around, and he’s really nice to me and buys me stuff like Cindy’s daddy buys her stuff. And he’s really nice to you. And he looks at you like Cindy’s daddy looks at Cindy’s mommy, so I was wondering if he’s my daddy.”

  “Well, you know, he may not be your dad in the way Cindy’s dad is her father, but he cares about you very much,” I say, trying to speak past the lump in my throat.

  “And he cares about you very much too. Right, Mommy?”

  I open my mouth, not sure how to answer. Thankfully I don’t have to.

  “Good morning!” Delia yawns loudly as she saunters out of the bedroom.

  “Good morning, Aunty Deels! Eeeeeeee!”

  Nina squeals as Delia grabs her in a big hug and pulls her backwards off the counter. I manage to secure the spoon before the two of them end up on the ground in a pile of tickles and giggles. Sometimes it feels like I have two children instead of just one.

  “Good morning, sleepyhead,” I say over the chaos as I finish doling out the batter onto the tray. I pop it into the oven and set the timer, then lean over the counter to watch the two of them.

  “Don’t you have class today?” I ask.

  “Not till this afternoon,” Delia says from the ground where Nina is sitting on top of her.

  “We’re going to buy a house this afternoon!”

  “Not buy a house, find a new apartment to rent,” I correct.

  Our little space is pretty crowded now with me, Nina and Delia sharing the one-bedroom apartment. We need a new place, one where Delia at least has her own room. One close to better schools and close to the subway so Delia can get to school also. It’s a lot of changes for all of us, but it’s a new life. A better one.

  “But we could buy a house,” Delia sits up. “With the money from the sale of the house and all Cordelia’s assets…”

  “Assets that are frozen until the end of the investigation into her business,” I say. “Plus, that’s your money. And you still have two years of university to pay for. Renting is just fine for now.”

  “But, Carrie…”

  “No buts. End of topic. Both of you go clean up, it’s time for breakfast.”

  “Yes, mom.” Delia and Nina chorus.

  I roll my eyes at them as they laugh and head to the bathroom. I can hear them both making a mess and I know I will have to clean it up later, but I don’t mind. I love the laughter and chaos and untidiness and increased expense they have brought into my life. Sometimes I wonder how we all will survive, but I am willing to do whatever it takes to make sure it happens.

  Chapter 27

  “Mommy, can we go home now?”

  I sigh and get back into Dutch’s car. “Not yet, honey.”

  I understand her frustration. This is the third apartment we have looked at so far. At least this one is in a good neighborhood. Kathi from accounting lives in this neighborhood and her daughters loves the school. But the apartment is two bedrooms, with no windows in one of the bedrooms. I also don’t like the way the grounds don’t seem well maintained. It makes me think other things could also have been neglected. Maybe the security cameras aren’t working or the door locks aren’t always activated. I can’t afford to have my daughter live in a complex where building maintenance is slacking.

  “Just one more, Nina,” Dutch says as he reaches into the back and checks her seatbelt.

  She doesn’t whine, but I can tell she is tired.

  “What if I can’t find a place?” I say quietly. “What if I have to stay in my building? You know it’s not just the space. It’s the security. Every time I have to go in and out of that building with Nina, I worry. It’s been okay recently, thank God. But I know it can’t last…”

  Dutch reaches over and takes my hand, slipping his fingers between mine. He has started doing that a lot more recently, in the car, sitting together at church, walking to the park with Nina. I am afraid to ask him about it, because I am afraid he might stop doing it.

  “We’re gonna find a place.” He squeezes my hand and for a moment I can believe again.

  I let out a deep breath. “Okay. Where are we going now?”

  “To see another place a friend told me about. I think this might be the one.”

  I will reserve hope until I see it.

  We drive out of the neighborhood and further uptown. The landscape begins to change, apartment complexes turn into housing schemes. We are definitely driving out of my income bracket. Dutch slows as we turn into a residential community with slightly older houses. Tall stately trees line the streets which are clear of any debris. We drive through streets of detached homes to the other side of the community which is just as nice but features townhouses. We stop at the third in a block of seven attached homes, and Dutch shuts off the engine.

  “This is it.”

  “Dutch, you know my budget…”

  He squeezes my hand again. “Yes, I do. Now let’s go.”

  We get out of the car and I take Nina’s hand in mine as we walk up the sidewalk to a house marked 27.

  “Look, Mommy! There are flowers at the front.”

  I don’t say anything. I am really mad at Dutch for bringing us here; for getting my daughter’s hopes up; for making her see a place like this that I know we can’t afford to live in.

  We take the walkway to the front door, but it opens before we get there, and my
mouth falls open.

  “Aunty Morgan!”

  Nina pulls out of my hand and runs ahead, throwing her arms around Morgan’s waist. Nina has acquired many aunts and uncles in the past couple weeks, but she seems to have taken to all of them.

  “Hey, sugar plumb,” Morgan bends down to give her a hug. “How are you?”

  “Tired,” Nina says leaning against Morgan. “We went to a thousand apartments today!”

  “Nina, what did we say about exaggerating,” I warn.

  “Sorry,” Nina scrunches her nose. “Maybe not a thousand.”

  Morgan laughs. “Okay, well hopefully this is the last one you have to see. Want to look inside?”

  Nina’s ponytail bobs up and down.

  “Okay let’s go.”

  I look over at Dutch wearily.

  “Shall we?”

  I sigh and let him take my hand and pull me inside after Morgan and Nina.

  It’s such a nice house. Not huge, but definitely more than enough space for the three of us. It’s the kind of house I would pick if I didn’t have to worry about money. It has a nice living and dining area with huge windows that open up to what I think is a backyard. The kitchen is tucked into an alcove at the side, separated from the dining area by a counter stretching across the opening.

  We go upstairs first and find three nice size bedrooms and a bathroom, with a separate en suite in the master bedroom. All the rooms have an amazing view of the backyard and the park beyond the back fence. It would be so amazing to live here. Too bad there is no way I can afford it.

  “Mommy, look! There’s a swing in the backyard!”

  We all follow Nina as she flies down the stairs to the back doors that open into the yard. She is still holding Morgan’s hand and drags her through the doors down the steps to the tire swing hanging under an old maple tree. I watch Morgan and Nina laugh as Nina tries to get on the swing. She falls out a few times before figuring out the balance. She is so happy that tears spring to my eyes. I turn and walk back inside before she can see them.

  “Care, are you okay?”

  “Why would you do this?” I turn around and glare at Dutch, the tears spilling down my cheeks. “Why would you take us here when you know I can’t afford a place like this? You know I can’t give her the things that would make her this happy. Do you know how much it kills me that I am her mother and I can’t do this for her?”

  He steps closer and reaches out to touch my face. I slap his hand away. He pauses, looks at me then reaches out again. This time I let him, and as his fingers touch my face, I really start to cry. He pulls me against him and lets me sop his shoulder with my tears.

  “You’re still afraid to ask Him for what you need. Aren’t you, Care? You still think you don’t deserve to ask. You’re still afraid He doesn’t care for you that much, but He does. God cares for you and Nina. Ask Him for what you want.”

  “God, I want to be a good mother. I want Nina to grow up in a home where she is safe, where she has peace, where she can enjoy being a child the way I didn’t. Where she can see your love in nature, in the people around her, in the simplicity of everyday life. Lord, I want Delia to have a place that feels like home. And I…I want to rest a little. I feel like I have been struggling and fighting for so long. I just want a place to rest. I want a home where we all can get to know You and feel your peace.”

  “Amen.”

  “Amen.”

  I keep my head against his shoulder until the tears stop. Until a strange calm washes over me. Until I know God will answer my prayer.

  “Okay.” I pull back. “Tell me about this house.”

  “Morgan’s boyfriend Derek has a friend, Malcolm. Malcolm owns this house,” Dutch says.

  I nod. “Okay.”

  “Malcolm bought this house about six years ago for himself, but then his dad got sick and he had to move back home with his family to help with his father’s care. He has been renting this house ever since. He is willing to rent it to you.”

  I bite my lip. “But the rent in this neighborhood…”

  The front door opens before I can finish my questions and a little girl looking to be about the same age as Nina bounds inside. She is wearing a tutu and leotard and talking a mile a minute. A tall strapping man in a suit follows her in.

  “Hey… Malcolm?”

  “Yes, and you must be Dutch.” Malcolm reaches out to give Dutch a handshake. “Nice to put a face to the voice on the phone.”

  “Likewise. This is Carrie.”

  “Hi,” I shake his hand. “You look familiar.”

  “Yeah, you too,” Malcolm rubs his beard. “Maybe I’ve seen you at Morgan or Derek’s?”

  “Maybe. Either way, it’s nice to meet you.” I stoop down. “And who is this ballerina?”

  “Hi, my name is Zoe,” she reaches out and shakes my hand. “Nice to meet you.”

  I laugh. “Nice to meet you too! I actually have a daughter about your age.”

  Zoe’s eyes brighten. “Really? Is she here?”

  I nod. “Yep. She’s playing on the swing outside.”

  Zoe hops back and forth from one foot to another while looking up at Malcolm. “Can I go?”

  He laughs. “Sure.”

  In moments, she is in the backyard with Nina and Morgan. They watch from inside as the two girls meet each other and immediately begin playing together on the tire swing.

  “Kids, they make it so easy.”

  “As it should be.”

  “So,” I turn to Malcolm. “You’re renting this house?”

  “Yes,” Malcolm rubs his hands together. “I had a few tenants before. They totally destroyed the place and I had to spend so much money and time to repair the damage. To be honest, they kind of scared me off of renting so this place has been empty for a year. But it’s such a waste to have it sitting here like this. I would love to rent it if I could find the right tenants.”

  I glance around. “It’s a beautiful house. I know my daughter and sister would love it here, but I am not sure I can afford it.”

  “Honestly, I am willing to take a cut on the price if I can be sure of the tenants. And from what Morgan and Dutch have told me, you seem like the kind of renter I can trust. Usually, I don’t like to do business with friends and family, but in this case, it might be better.”

  “What are you asking?”

  Malcolm took a card out of his pocket and wrote a number on the back.

  “We can negotiate, but this is my starting point for rent. Of course, you would have to cover all the utilities.”

  I take the card he hands me, look at the number and try not to react. I hand it to Dutch who looks at it before handing it back to me.

  “Can we have a few moments to talk it over?” Dutch asks.

  “Sure,” Malcom says. “I’ll go check on Zoe in the backyard. Take all the time you need. Look around some more and call me when you’re ready.”

  I wait until he is outside and the door is closed before I turn to Dutch.

  “He can’t be serious. This is way too low for this neighborhood. Did you tell him my budget?”

  Dutch shook his head. “Nope. All we talked about were the features of the house. The only thing I mentioned about you was that you were moving with your daughter and sister.”

  I look down at the card again. “Dutch, this is insane. I can actually afford this.”

  Dutch grinned. “I know. I still think you can shave a couple hundred off though. You don’t wanna look like a pushover.”

  I roll my eyes. “Spoken like a true business owner.”

  I look up at him, trying to figure out how I got so lucky to have him in my life.

  “Why are you doing all this for me?”

  He shrugs. “Why wouldn’t I?”

  I watch the way his eyes crinkle at the side and turn a bright emerald green as he smiles. He has a rebellious curl like Nina’s that falls over his forehead no matter how often he brushes it back. He is still wearing the black shirt Nina and I
picked out for him this morning and looking at me like I am the most important thing in the room. I would not have survived the past six months without this man. Who am I kidding? I wouldn’t have survived the last couple years without him. One day he is going to marry some gorgeous woman and break my heart. But until then, I will count my blessings that we have this amazing friendship.

  I blink back tears as I reach up and wrap my arms around him. “Thank you, Dutch. For everything. You will never know how much all you’ve done means to me.”

  His arms tighten around me. “I would do it again in a heartbeat. You know I love you.”

  I freeze. “Love me?”

  He moves me back slightly so he can see my face. “Yes, love you.”

  “You mean, like you love Nina, and Claudia, and your niece and nephew?”

  “I love my family and Nina,” he watches my face carefully. “But not the way I love you.”

  “But, Dutch…”

  “Shhh…”

  He cups my face between his palms and draws me closer. His breath warms my face moments before his lips meet mine and oh my… I really hope he means what he said about loving me because this kiss just erased every lie I try to tell myself about not loving him.

  “Wow.” My eyes are still closed as he plants tiny kisses on the side of my mouth, my nose, all over my face. “Better than the first time.”

  He stills. “First time?”

  “Uh-huh.”

  “So that was real?”

  I open my eyes. “You remember?”

  His green oceans meet mine. “I thought it was a dream.” His mouth quirks up to the side. “A really good dream. Nice hallucinations from hospital strength drugs.”

  I giggle. “Not a dream, Mr. Haverford. You definitely kissed me.”

  “At my house? The night of the Christmas party? After you took me home from the hospital?”

  I nod. “Yep.”

  “Really?”

  “Really.”

  “Hmm,” he runs a finger over my lips. “Was it like this?”

  His mouth touches mine, his lips gently teasing, making my insides quiver.

  “Or like this?”

  This time his lips are more insistent, deliciously probing, waking me up inside in a way no man has ever done before. Dang.