Heartstrings

by Kelli McCracken

  “I missed seeing you. Whenever you’re around, I feel better, and lately,” I swallowed the lump forming in my throat. “I did more than lose my memories, Adam. I lost my son.” I pressed my hands to my stomach and fought back tears. Crying wouldn’t change what happened. It would only make me feel worse.

  As I struggled to keep my emotions in check, Adam’s silence worried me. I thought he’d left until I turned toward the doors. The sight of him leaning against the frame filled me with relief. I wanted him to look at me, but he didn’t. He peered into the backyard instead.

  “I’m sorry I wasn’t here when you needed me. We’ve encountered similar tragedies, Josie. I didn’t think my presence was helping you.”

  The sound of his voice, along with his admission, stunned me. Was this the moment I’d been waiting for—the one where my mind revealed the tragedy that took away my memories as well as my child? I prayed I was ready to learn what had happened. If not, my reaction could be deadly.

  Flickers of light clouded my view of the room. I’d never experienced a flashback while Adam was with me. I didn’t know what to expect this time. Would I black out like I had on several occasions in the past month? Would Adam disappear? Would I—

  Images flashed liked bright lights in my mind. Acid crept up my throat as the urge to vomit returned. I took a few deep breaths, working through the madness unfolding in my head. I didn’t want to get sick or pass out. I just wanted to heal.

  The lights grew brighter before they finally faded. Colored spots morphed into a clearer picture. And when I realized what I was staring at, I gasped. A bruised and bloodied face came into view.

  A man lay on a gurney not far from mine. Tubes and wires were attached to different parts of his body, but his neck brace caught my attention. The longer I stared at him, the faster my heart pounded. I wanted to reach out to him, hold his hand, and tell him it was okay, but I couldn’t. The searing pain in my fingers kept me from doing anything.

  It didn’t take long for my hand to come into view. I choked back a bitter taste as my mangled flesh filled my vision. Voices shouted from all around, but I didn’t focus on them. I concentrated on the man across from me. One eye was swollen shut. The other stared in my direction. And they weren’t just any eyes. They were icy blue. Adam blue.

  “Sweet Jesus,” I whispered. “You…you were the man beside me at the hospital, weren’t you?”

  Adam nodded.

  No wonder my warped mind had manifested him. He was real, someone I had seen at one point in time. Guess I’d remembered more than I thought for some time now.

  Yet it still didn’t make sense. The images in my mind revealed a bruised and bloodied face. All the times I’d seen him in my room, not one scratch maimed his face. How could I know what he looked like without the damage?

  Unless I was wrong, and the man standing before me wasn’t a manifestation.

  A knock came from my bedroom door. I pivoted in the same direction, debating on whether I should answer. Before I could give it a second thought, the door opened and Hadley stepped inside.

  “Jo, are you okay?”

  “Yes.” I cringed when she surveyed the room.

  “I didn’t mean to barge in, but I thought I heard you crying.”

  “No. Everything is okay. I was playing.” I tapped my guitar then peeked over my shoulder where Adam was standing, but he wasn’t there. The longer I stood gawking at the French doors, the more I considered a crazy notion. Maybe I was right. Maybe I hadn’t created him. But thinking as much left me with other questions.

  Had Adam really been standing before me, or had I been experiencing ghostly encounters?

  * * *

  Small orange flames flickered from the fireplace. I lost myself in their soothing warmth as I sat on the edge of the couch across from Hadley. I didn’t want to leave my room in case Adam came back, but I wanted to reassure my friend I was okay.

  Yet, I wasn’t.

  Suffering from amnesia had been a cruel enough joke. The chaos that ensued while searching for my memories was a bitter slap in the face. Confusion had taken up permanent residence in my mind. I second-guessed everything and everyone.

  If I couldn’t trust the people in my life, how would I ever find peace?

  “Is something troubling you, Jo?”

  The more appropriate question was what wasn’t troubling me. I didn’t know where to begin or how to explain. I couldn’t tell her about Adam. If he were real, she’d have him arrested. If he weren’t, she’d have me committed. My best bet was to keep my mouth shut in regards to him. Still, it didn’t mean I couldn’t talk about my flashback.

  I waited until she took a sip from her cup before I answered, “I’m okay, but I did have another flashback earlier.”

  She lowered the cup back to her lap and observed me. “What did you remember?”

  “Being inside the emergency room. There was a lot of commotion. People were shouting and moving everywhere. I remember seeing my fingers. They were horrific.”

  Though this wasn’t the first time I’d had this flashback, it was the first time it included Adam. I wished I could tell her as much. She was my friend, and friends revealed their secrets to each other. But this secret needed to remain hidden.

  “I can only imagine how bad they looked, Jo. Brighton said you were in bad shape.”

  So my brother had seen me prior to surgery. The news made my mind spin with more questions. “Hadley… I know you can’t tell me what happened, but can you at least answer one question?”

  She stared at her cup, running her finger along the brim. “Depends on what it is. This is a critical time for you, Jo. Your memories are coming back, and I can’t risk damaging your mind with information you’ve forgotten. If I can answer your question, I will.”

  I acknowledged her with a nod. “Okay. So here’s my question. Whatever it was that happened to me…was someone else involved, someone who may have been hurt as well?”

  The silence that developed between us lasted so long I wasn’t sure she would answer. Then she parted her lips. “There were a lot of people involved, Jo. And yes, a lot of them were hurt.”

  I wanted to press further and ask more questions, but I didn’t. Hadley yawned. She was ready for bed. Good. I could go back to my room and wait for Adam to come back. He had to come back. I had plenty of questions to ask him too.

  “Looks like someone is sleepy.”

  Hadley chuckled. “Yes. Chamomile tea…it works every time.”

  I feigned a yawn and mumbled, “Yes, it does.”

  “We should get some sleep. I want to restart your therapy sessions in the morning. Maybe we can talk about some of the things you’ve remembered.”

  “Sounds good.” I stood from the couch at the same time she left the chair. She reached for my cup and carried both hers and mine toward the kitchen.

  “Sleep well, Jo. See you in the morning.”

  “See you then.”

  As she disappeared into the kitchen, I waited until I saw her shadow retreating toward her room. Then I did the one thing I’d been dying to do for the last hour. I went toward my bedroom, hell-bent on finding Adam.

  ~ CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO ~

  The French doors clicked together as I closed them. I rubbed the chill from my arms, doing my best not to allow disappointment to rule my heart. It was hard not to give into sadness when I’d spent the last two hours waiting for Adam to reappear.

  He didn’t…

  Once I flipped my light switch and turned down the blinds, I crawled into bed. My body sank into the mattress much like my heart sank toward my stomach. It made no sense how a stranger could affect me the way Adam did. Perhaps it was because he was involved in the same tragedy that stole my memories. I’d connected with him on another level and my subconscious knew it.

  Drawing the comforter to my chest I laid my head on my pillow and stared at the ceiling. I missed Paxton. Maybe if he were around, I wouldn’t feel so desperate to see Adam.


  Hadley mentioned he was out of town, handling a work-related issue, but part of me worried it was something else. He’d either left to avoid the heartbreak over losing our child or Brighton had chased him away.

  I decided it was the latter. My brother hadn’t hidden his disapproval of Paxton. After everything that happened the week prior, he knew Paxton was with me when I passed out in Dr. Ives’s office. I remembered enough about Brighton to know he was angry. Perhaps that was the reason he hadn’t stopped by. I was certain Hadley would let him know I was awake and talking, but she didn’t mention him while we chatted in the living room.

  There was no point in stressing over it now. Tomorrow I could take on the world. Tonight, I needed sleep.

  I closed my eyes, blocking out the darkness of my room. No matter how much I concentrated on positive thoughts, negative ones kept creeping in. My mind remained a locked door to the knowledge I wanted. If only I could find the key…

  My thoughts began fading. A black abyss beckoned my soul forward. Sleep would soon claim me, and the reality of the day would be gone.

  And as I began floating into a dream world, creaking resonated behind me.

  I opened my eyes but didn’t move. Confusion froze me in place. As close as I was to falling asleep, I wasn’t convinced I’d heard anything. Then I heard it again.

  Peering over my shoulder, I observed the door, half expecting to see Adam standing in front of it. He wasn’t though. The doors remained closed, blinds drawn, a scarce amount of light filtering in from a nearby streetlight.

  Maybe Hadley was still up and moving around in one of the other rooms…

  “Did I wake you?”

  I jerked my body into a sitting position. A figure sat at the edge of my bed, but the dark room hindered my sight. Yet the more I thought about the sound of the masculine voice, the less I feared who it was.

  “You didn’t wake me. I wasn’t asleep yet.”

  He leaned in closer. My breath caught when I felt the sheets moving. I had little time to react to the fact when I noticed weariness on Adam’s face.

  “Are you okay?” His voice was silky smooth, but it ruffled my emotions all the same. He came back. I didn’t think he would, but he did. Now I could ask him the questions that tormented my mind for the past few hours.

  “Josie?”

  “I’m okay.” I leaned closer to him this time. “In fact, I feel better than I have in a long time. It’s because you’re here.”

  “I couldn’t stay away, not after you remembered something about me.”

  “Is there more to remember?”

  His lips crooked. When he nodded, my body ignited. Nothing could contain the fire raging within me. I still didn’t understand the effect he had on my heart, but now that he was here, I didn’t care. All I wanted was for him to stay, to give me answers, and help me recall the rest of my memory.

  Though I didn’t know why, it seemed as though Adam was an important part of discovering what had happened to me. He was the key I’d been searching for. I wanted him to unlock the answers my mind kept holding prisoner.

  “What else is there to remember, Adam? Do I…do I know you?”

  He glanced at my chest, to the left side, then back to me. “What does your heart tell you?”

  I focused on the kink in my chest, the way it made my breathing increase as I stared at him. “My heart says yes, but my mind… You’re a figment of my—”

  The mattress shifted when he moved closer. He reached his hand forward, like he would brush my hair away. Instead, the warmth of his fingers curled around my cheek.

  My heart stuttered. “You…you touched me.”

  “Yeah.”

  No humor showed on his face, but devotion did. Absolute devotion. It was in the way he looked at me as though he were studying every inch of my body. And the way he thumbed over my cheek… If my heart swelled any more, it would explode.

  “I can touch you, Josie.”

  “How?”

  “Like this.” He leaned forward and brushed my lips with his. Fire erupted in every part of my body. It left a scorching trail from my mouth to my toes. Each sweep of his lips stoked the flames within me.

  All other thoughts left my mind. It didn’t matter that I had a stranger in my room, late at night, kissing me like he could devour me. All that mattered was the way he filled the void inside me, the same one that consumed my heart and soul for the last month.

  When he broke the kiss, he eased away and leaned his forehead to mine. I didn’t want him to stop. The ache that reformed in my chest was far more painful than before he began kissing me.

  “Josie,” he whispered. “Please. I want you to remember. Please, remember.”

  Didn’t he understand how much I wanted the same?

  “Help me.” My voice was soft yet powerful enough to garner his attention. “Please, Adam, help me remember. My mind is so twisted.”

  He gazed in my eyes, swept the hair from my cheek, and then he wrapped his arms about my waist. “Ignore your mind and follow your heart.”

  I felt split in two. Part of me wanted to justify why I shouldn’t ignore my fears or allow my heart to lead me. Yet when his lips pressed and parted with mine, that piece of me died. The insatiable need to be near him overtook me.

  His breathing grew heavy. Each time his lips passed over mine, I sank further into him. I was caught up in the moment, caught up in the way my body felt jolt after jolt of his energy. The feel of his hand on my hip had me pulling back. He almost did the same until I grabbed his face and kissed him harder.

  I fell back to the mattress, caught between it and the weight of Adam’s body. I couldn’t argue, couldn’t tell him to stop. I was too far gone. Both his hands were on my thighs, squeezing them softly as he moved them under my nightshirt. His lips left mine and moved to my neck. They left a moist, heated trail from my ear to my shoulder.

  Things started clicking. I couldn’t explain how or why but I knew in my heart that Paxton and I weren’t the couple I thought we were. For the first time in a long time, my heart and my mind were on the same page. I would figure out the rest soon enough, but for now, Adam was all that mattered. The feel of his hands on my body reminded me how much.

  I began panting, especially when he hooked his fingers around my panties and peeled them away. Regardless of whether Paxton and I were a couple or not, it didn’t explain my reckless behavior with Adam.

  How could I do this? How could I let a man I didn’t remember touch me in places he shouldn’t. The logical part of my brain was gone. For all I knew, he could be the reason I’d lost everything.

  Yet when he sank his teeth into my shoulder, what was left of my rationality disappeared. I felt alive, free, whole…

  He adjusted himself above me. The sound of a zipper lowering filled my ears. No fear entered my thoughts. Only anticipation. I wanted him. I needed him. There was no rhyme or reason to my feelings, none that I could see, none that I cared to learn. Not now. Not when my skin burned from the heat of his touch.

  The mattress shifted, then a flop resonated from the floor. He’d removed his jeans. Nothing else made the same sound as denim hitting carpet. The thought alone was enough to make my heart race. But it wasn’t the only thing. Figments of light flashed before me.

  Why did these flashbacks happen at the least convenient times? Or maybe I was looking at them wrong. Perhaps Adam was doing what I’d asked. He was helping me remember.

  I submitted to the unknown, but I didn’t regret it in the least. Once Adam parted my legs with his knee, he filled me. I contracted around his length, biting my lips to stifle the moan that escaped. I couldn’t chance waking Hadley. Not only would it be humiliating, it would cause a confrontation and questions I didn’t want to answer.

  As if he’d sensed my anxiety, Adam covered my mouth with his. His tongue slipped inside my mouth and swirled around mine. I cooperated, giving him the same in return. He worked his hips into mine, sliding in and out of me. My toes curled. I’d neve
r felt anything so amazing, so fulfilling. Our bodies moved together, rocking, thrusting, grinding…

  I wrapped my legs around his waist and grabbed his ass, pulling him deeper. He groaned into my mouth, but the sound was lost within me. I had the same response, losing my moans inside him.

  His next thrust brought other images to mind. My lips against another’s. Scorching hands on my hips. Two bodies gently rocking into one…

  I arched my back, pressing further into Adam. His fingers dug into my skin, near my hip, and he pinned me to the bed as he drove into me harder. My nipples tightened into peaks that grew sensitive against my shirt. I wanted to remove it but I didn’t dare break free of the spell he’d placed me under.

  It didn’t matter anyway. Adam pushed up my shirt, and the heat of his mouth teased my skin. He drew one nipple between his lips, flicking it with his tongue then suckling hard. I bucked against him, taking all of him in. I couldn’t hide the cry leaving my throat. It was hearty, and loud, but I didn’t stop. I kept working my hips up, taking every inch he had to offer. And there were many inches. So many, I didn’t know how he fit so perfectly inside me.

  The air cooled my nipple once Adam released it and moved to the other. As he drew it into his mouth, he worked my hands above my head, securing my wrists with one hand. I tugged against them, but he kept an unwavering grip. I still felt no fear, I felt nothing but him filling me over and over, stoking the fire in the depths of my soul. The curl of his hips, the way he ground his body into mine, set my sensitive nub pulsing with desire. If he continued to do so, I wouldn’t be able to hold back. I would sheath him with my juice while I came hard.

  I wanted to come, wanted to explode from the pleasure he was providing me. Only, he was giving me so much more. A montage of images flitted through my mind. Full, lush lips. Soft, auburn hair. Rough, stubbled jaw. A muscular frame. Tattooed arms. Firm, tight ass.

  The more the images played in my head, the more I questioned what they were. Each one grew more vivid to the point where I saw a man and woman lying in bed, bodies intertwined and rocking together.