by Penny Wylder
“Excuses, excuses. Let's just go.” She hobbles to the door and looks back at us, breaking the spell.
I blink a couple times and look around the room for my purse. Dash glances up at the ceiling, then starts for the front door, opening it for his sister. He looks back at me, his lids turning to slits as he frowns.
I follow them to the elevator, and we ride it down. Dash calls a cab and we wait out front until it pulls up. Betty gets in first, Dash squeezes in beside her, resting her crutch across his lap.
“You can ride upfront,” he says flatly.
“I planned on it.”
The tension between us is building. Growing like fungus in a damp forest. It's heavy and thick and I can't get rid of it. There's so much I want to say to him, but I don't think he cares to listen. I mean, who am I to tell him not to go? Who am I to push my feelings on him?
I'm no one.
The taxi pulls up to the restaurant and we all get out. Dash helps his sister steady herself on the crutch, then holds the door open for both of us. His eyes follow me as I pass through, but I keep my head straight.
We get a table near the window, and the waiter leaves us to go get our drinks. Betty is talking about the job she starts in two weeks, and how she should be out of the boot just in time.
She and Dash share stories about when they were kids and how he fell out of a tree they were climbing and broke his arm. They laugh about how they would go deep sea fishing with their dad, and how their mother hated preparing whatever they caught. She'd gag as she had to clean off the scales and gut it.
I'm quiet. I don't have anything to say. All I can think about is Dash leaving in a couple days. I ache everywhere. My stomach is tight like corded rope, and my heart feels like it's getting ripped in two.
We order dinner. They eat and talk and laugh, all while I sulk and poke at my food, pushing it around my plate. I hardly look up at either of them. The sharp prongs of my fork maneuver a single piece of broccoli. My head is resting on my left hand as I stare down.
I should have stayed home.
Betty looks at me. “You're really quiet, Anna.”
“Yeah, I don't feel good. That's all.” I run my hands back and forth over my thighs and look all around the room. “Actually, I think I'm going to go get some air. I'll be right back.”
Standing up quickly, I head outside. I need to get away from Dash. Being this close and not touching him, not snuggling him, not feeling his fingers as they run up and down my back, it's making me sick.
The air is cool on my face. I inhale a deep breath, wishing these nerves would just go away. I've never felt like this before. And I hate it.
“Hey,” Dash says, walking up behind me.
I look back at him and say nothing.
“So, you're just going to give me the silent treatment?”
“No. I just have nothing to say to you.”
“That's a boldface lie.” He moves around to stand in front of me, and I twist away. “Come on,” he says. “You need to stop this.”
“Me? I need to stop?”
“Yes, Anna, because none of this is on me. You're the one acting like a damn fool.”
“I'm the fool? Right, that's me. I'm the idiot here.”
“What the fuck is it, Anna? Why don't you just tell me what the hell is wrong instead of making me guess?”
“Because it doesn't fucking matter, Dash!” I yell under my breath. “You can just do you, and I'll do me. Seems simple enough.”
“I don't understand,” he says, raking a hand through his hair. He pulls his hair close to his scalp then runs his hand down his face. “I get you a job after you quit yours. I hand you something so you don't have to worry, and this is how you treat me? Like I'm some kind of asshole?”
“This isn't about the job, Dash.”
“Then what is it?”
I see Betty come out the door, a look of concern on her face. “What's going on? Is everything okay?” she asks.
“Everything is fine,” Dash snaps. He turns around and starts walking back inside. “I'll go pay and grab the leftovers. I think we're ready to leave.”
Betty watches her brother as he goes back inside, then turns her attention to me. “What's going on, Anna? You've been acting weird today.”
“It's nothing that won't solve itself soon.” Tears start to roll down my cheeks, but I swipe them away quickly. “I'm going to walk home. I'll see you both later.”
“Anna,” Betty says, trying to reach out for my arm.
I pull out of her fingers before she can latch on. “Really, Bet, I'll be fine. I just need some time to myself, that's all.”
“Are you sure? I don't like seeing you this way. If I can help—”
“You can't,” I cut her off as I start to walk away. “No one can.”
She leans on her crutch as she watches me walk into the darkness. She doesn't try to stop me again, and I have no idea if she's slowly figuring out that something is going on between her brother and me.
Either way, it doesn't matter. This will all be better once he's gone. Out of sight, out of mind. I have to keep telling myself that.
I'll be fine. I'm strong. I'm independent.
I'm the warrior. Just me.
11
Dash
The wind whispers through the crack in my window. The whistle carries through the room, turning the silence into a symphony. Normally, I wouldn't notice such a thing. I'd ignore it easily, because it's meaningless, just like every other thing around me.
Except, right now, I'm noticing everything. I notice the sound my window makes. I notice the creak in the floor as I walk across it. I notice the way Anna breathes when we're in a room together. I notice the way she eyes me, and how when I look at her, she turns away pretending she never was.
I notice the tension in the air. I notice the way my skin buzzes when I hear Anna coming up the stairs to the apartment, and how my ears ring when I hear her voice in the background.
Maybe I'm going crazy. I'm about to leave and travel halfway around the world to a foreign country, leaving the only girl I've ever cared about. This isn't as easy of a decision as she thinks, but she's acting as if I'm doing this to hurt her. I'm not.
Anna is treating me like I'm a piece of shit for following my dreams. The sad thing is, I don't even know if this is my dream anymore.
What will happen when I'm gone? What if she meets someone else and falls in love? What if she forgets all about me and I never see her again?
What if. . .
All these questions are making me second guess myself.
I don't know if I can do this. I need to talk to my sister.
“Betty,” I call out her name as I look around the living room.
“Why are you yelling? I'm right here,” she says as she bumps me with the nub of her crutch.
She's coming out of the kitchen with a plate of nachos and trying to navigate the short walk. Betty almost loses her balance, dropping a few loose tortilla chips on the floor.
“Let me help.” I take the plate from her and pick up the ones on the floor.
“Thanks,” she says as she reaches the couch and sits down. “I can't wait to have my leg back. This sucks.”
“I'm sure it does. It won't be long now, right?”
“Shouldn't be, maybe another week, if that. I have an appointment on Tuesday.” She slouches down on the couch and puts her legs up on the coffee table. “So, you must getting excited. You're leaving tomorrow morning, that's crazy.”
“Actually, I wanted to talk to you about that.”
“All right, what is it?”
“Honestly, I'm not sure if it's the right move right now in my life.”
“What? Why the hell not? You're a single guy, no kids, no reason to stay here. If anything, now's the perfect time. If you wait too long, this trip will end up being part of your midlife crisis one day.”
I chuckle as I lay my feet up on the coffee table and slouch beside her. Betty holds out the p
late, offering me a nacho. I take one.
“I know that it seems like the perfect time for me to go, but what if it's not?”
Betty rolls her head on her shoulders and looks up at me. “I don't understand. How can it not be? What possible reason could you have not to go?”
My eyes steady on hers, the words sitting on the back of my tongue. I'm just not sure how to get them out. “What if I told you I had a very good reason.”
“Your version of good reason and mine are probably very different. What is it?” she asks, her eyes firmly set on mine.
I still can't tell her. There's a heaviness on my chest and a frog in my throat making it impossible to talk.
“Oh my god,” she says, her eyes growing wide. “It's a girl, isn't it? You met someone and that's why you're not sure.” Betty slaps my arm as she laughs out loud. “Are you fucking kidding me? You actually met a girl and remember her name?”
“Fuck, Bet, you say it like it's a shock. Did you think I'd never meet anyone?”
“No. You meet plenty of girls, I know that. I just never thought you'd meet someone who you'd remember.”
“Come on, this is serious.”
“Okay, I'm sorry. Well, who is she?” She pops a nacho in her mouth and holds up her hand as she says, “And please don't tell me that she's some girl you met in a bar two nights ago and you think you're in love.”
“It's nothing like that.”
“Then spit it out already. Tell me about this girl who stole my brother's heart. Because I'll be honest with you, I'm really curious. You've never had a steady a girlfriend. Not one. I don't think you've ever dated anyone longer than a week.”
“Well, I met her about a month ago.”
“Oh okay, so right after moving in here. Does she work here in the city?”
“She did.”
Fuck, Dash! Spit it out already!
I'm trying so damn hard to just tell her that I'm falling for Anna. It's Anna that's making me question myself. It's Anna that's making my heart beat and my emotions go all haywire.
“But she doesn't now?”
“Not exactly.”
“Can we stop with this weird guessing game. I really don't want to play along. My leg is starting to hurt and I'd like to go take a bath. Just tell me her name.”
I look at her without blinking and open my eyes wider. With arched brows and an awkward smile, I shrug.
“Holy shit.” She's figuring it out. I can see it on her face. The muscles in her face go slack as her nostrils flare. “You're fucking with me. I know you're fucking with me.”
“I'm not fucking with you at all.”
Betty sits up fast and presses her fingers to her temples. “Just so we're on the same page, you're telling me it's Anna. Right?”
“It is. I. . . I don't think I want to go on this trip anymore. I want to stay here with her, and maybe live you with you guys. I've fallen hard for her, Betty.”
Shit. Here it is.
This is what I'm worried about. Anna is her friend. The fact that I'm telling her I've fallen for her friend is like a gut punch. No sister wants to find out that her big brother has been sleeping with her friend.
I brace myself, waiting for her to slug me as hard as she can. She lowers her head into her hands, and exhales a huge sigh. I don't try to calm her down or make excuses to make her feel better. Whatever she feels, I'll deal with it.
“Dash, you have no idea—”
I cut her off. I at least need her to know that this wasn't what I wanted. I didn't want to piss her off. “I know, I know. I'm sorry. I didn't plan on this happening, but it did.”
“Dash, just shut up and let me finish.” She turns to face me, sitting up straighter. “I was going to say you have no idea how happy I am to hear that.”
“Wait, are you serious?”
“Yes, I'm serious. Anna is a great person. If you fell for anyone, I'm glad it's her. But if this is true, why does Anna seem so upset lately? I mean, she's hardly here when you're here, and even if you two are in the same room, it's like you're both pissed.”
“She isn't happy with me right now, and I don't know why.”
“Did you do something?”
“I don't think so. She quit her job because of her asshole boss, and when we were talking one night, I brought up my plans to take a trip and how I put them on hold—”
“For me,” she interjects. “Which I greatly appreciate by the way.”
“I know you do, otherwise I wouldn't be here. But after Anna said I should go for it, that I should just do it, I decided I would. So, she was freaking out about not having a job, and since I decided to go on my trip, I talked to Jed and he agreed to give her my job.”
“Well, I can tell you right now what you did wrong.”
“You can?”
“Uh yeah.” Her jaw hangs open, crooked to the side as she gives me the same look she used to when we were kids.
“Tell me what the hell I did then, because I can't figure it out. All I know is that since I told her all this, she's been pissed off and avoiding me.”
“Because, dip-shit, she likes you too and you're leaving.”
“But I don't think I'm going to leave anymore.”
“She doesn't know that. All she knows is that she likes you and thought you liked her, and now you're up and leaving. And you went and got her a job without talking to her first. If you know her at all, you know she's a pretty independent person. She doesn't want handouts, but she does want you.”
Holy shit, she's right.
My sister is actually right about this, and I couldn't see it. I made all these plans without Anna. I made decisions for her and never asked her what she thought or wanted. I made her feel like she's my girlfriend, and then chose to leave without a simple conversation about actually doing it.
I'm a fucking idiot.
“What the hell did I do?” I ask, the question directed more at me than her. But my sister answers anyway.
“You acted before thinking.”
“I can't believe I didn't see it.”
“I can,” she says with a laugh as she elbows me in the ribs. “But, while we're on the topic of apartments and secrets, I have a secret too.”
“Oh, you do? And what's that?”
“I'm actually really glad you want to stay here, because I can't.”
“What do you mean you can't?”
“Well, while I was in the hospital, I decided that I don't want to just work odd jobs to make ends meet. I want to become a nurse.”
“You do?”
“Yeah, I do. I actually already signed up to start classes in the fall. When they start, I'll have to move back home so I can focus on that, and not have to worry about anything else. I already talked to Mom and Dad and they're excited for me.”
“Wow, that's great, Bet. I'm really proud of you for doing this.”
“Thanks, Dash.” She leans in and I hug her. “So, what are you waiting for?”
“What do you mean?”
“You have to go tell Anna everything you just told me.”
“I would, but I have no idea where she is. I never do anymore.”
“She's at the movies. She left a little while ago, I'm sure she's still there.” Betty gives me a nudge with her shoulder. “So, go get your girl.” Giving me a reassuring smile, she nods her head at the door. “Better hurry up before it's too late.”
I can't believe this is happening. All of this, everything down to my sister's reaction feels like fate.
Fate brought me here, and it's still pushing me along, laying down the tracks for me to follow. Jumping up from the couch, I dart for the door and tear it open. I'm going to tell Anna exactly how I feel. Everything, right down to the words that only my heart knows right now.
“Hey, dumb-ass!” Betty calls out.
I stop, looking back over my shoulder. “Yeah?”
“You want to know what movie she's seeing, or do you plan on searching each and every single one in the dark?”
Shit, she's right again. Why does it bug me when my little sister is right?
Because it's usually you helping her, not the other way around.
“Which one?” My hand clenches the frame of the door, ready to throw myself out the second she says it.
“She's at the AMC and I think she said something about maybe seeing Wrath of Man. But I'm not sure, she could have changed her mind. Want me to text her?”
“Nah, I'll find her myself, but thanks.” The door clinks shut and my entire body fills with electric snaps. I'm not running from this girl. I'm running to her.
The bus is probably close to coming, but I have no plans on waiting around. Taking off in a sprint, I run up Washington and cut down Oak Street West. Harrison Avenue takes me past the Tufts Emergency Center. I slip through the gate, using the parking lot to shorten my jog.
The movie theater is only another ten minutes away if I keep this speed. Luckily, there are enough businesses I can use to take a direct route without having to go all the way around.
I can see the blaring red neon sign hanging out front of the building. Seeing the sign drives me harder, making me run faster than I ever have in my life. I've never wanted something as badly as I want her.
The man in the booth jumps up from his seat as I run right past him. “Hey! You can't just come in like this!”
“Sorry!” I yell to him over my shoulder. “I've got a date with a girl I love!”
I can see him grab the walkie-talkie on his waist from the corner of my eye, and I don't care. They'll have to drag me out of here, because I'm not leaving until I find her.
I scan the movie listings on the giant board, spotting her movie, and making a mad dash toward theater seven. I know security is on its way. I won't have a lot of time to do this.
The doors come up on my left, the loud bass of music from the soundtrack thumps in my ears. Slamming my hands against the doors, they fly open and smack the railings on each side of the ramp that leads to the seats.
I stop at the top of the ramp and look around for her. In the darkness everyone looks the same. No one face stands out against another. All I can see are shadows and flickers of flesh. The sound is so loud it drowns out my anxious, pounding heart.