by Lisa Lace
“Lily, please. I need to talk to you.”
“There’s nothing left to say, Ethan. Please leave me alone.”
She reaches for the door handle, but I step in front of her. “Last time I tried to apologize to you, I fucked up. I didn’t say what I needed to say. I swear to you, I’m not going to mention Vincent. This is about you and me. Nothing more.”
“What are you even doing in Arizona?”
“I came back to see you.”
Lily falters. I see her body slump, and she lets out a little breath, like she’s fighting with herself. She shakes her head. “I can’t do this with you again. Really, Ethan, you need to go.”
“I’m not leaving until you talk to me.”
“I don’t believe you’re really here for me. Vincent is still in town. I’m sure you’re just here to deal with him for some reason. He’s told me about your whatever it is that’s going on with the two of you.”
I stand my ground at the entrance of the apartment building. “Whatever he’s told you about me isn’t true, Lily. But it doesn’t matter anyway. I don’t want to talk about him. I want to apologize.”
“Apologize for what? Leaving me after my graduation without saying goodbye? Sleeping with me a couple of weeks ago and disappearing again? Or barging into my apartment to tell me who I can and can’t date?”
It’s her turn to stand her ground. Lily leans her weight on one hip and folds her arms across her stomach. She glares at me.
I loosen my posture, take hold of her arms. I catch her eyes. “All of it, Lily. I’m sorry for everything. Please, give me a chance to explain. How about we go to Molly’s? Drink some of that god-awful coffee you love?”
A smile twitches at the edge of Lily’s mouth, but she’s still reluctant.
“Come on, Lily. We need this conversation. Too much has been left unsaid for too long.”
She gives in. “Fine. But I need to get changed. Wait here.”
Five minutes later, we’re walking toward Molly’s. Lily has changed into a loose cotton dress and a pair of plain pumps. She’s let her hair down and is walking with a deliberate space between us.
We don’t say anything until we arrive at the café. I order for us both, and we sit at the place that used to be our spot, looking outside. The barber shop is a video game store now.
Lily doesn’t say anything once we’re seated. She keeps her eyes fixed on the street outside, one leg crossed over the other, her purse on the counter beside her. Her jaw is trembling like she’s holding back tears.
“I don’t even know where to begin,” I confess. “I’ve made too many mistakes.”
She doesn’t reply, but she’s listening. She closes her eyes when I speak like I’m causing her pain. Her grip tightens on her coffee mug.
“I should never have left you when we were young. At the time, I felt like I was saving you, but now I know that was dumb. My mom died, and it scared me. I realized that life can bite you hard, and I wasn’t prepared. I applied to Columbia thinking nothing would come of it, but when it did, I knew I had to go. I needed to do it for her so I’d never end up living the life she had. I knew I needed to make something of myself outside of Arizona. I thought you wouldn’t understand—or worse, that you’d try too hard to make me happy, and never be happy yourself. I left, and I’m sorry. Really sorry, Lily.
“I didn’t get in touch because I didn’t want to disrupt your life again. I assumed you’d have moved on, and I didn’t want to complicate things. Then, Vincent tells me that you’ve matched with him on Destiny, and I couldn’t get it out of my head. What I should have told you is that it doesn’t matter that the man you matched with was Vincent. The thought of you with anyone but me broke my heart. I love you.”
A tear rolls out from under her closed eyelid. She says nothing, and it kills me. I don’t know what she’s thinking, what she’s feeling. I go on.
“I thought I came back here to protect you, but I realize now that was only an excuse. I’ve never gotten over you, Lily. I want you.”
Finally, she replies, her voice breaking. “If you love me, why did you come and go again, just like that?”
“I don’t know. Seeing you again made me feel like I wanted to give it all up—New York, Steele Industries, everything. I wanted to drop everything and stay with you. But there’s a reason I left Payson, and nothing’s really changed. I still want more than this town.”
She looks up at me with her tear-stained eyes. “You mean you want more than me?”
I grasp her hands. “No. I love you. Come back to New York with me.”
“New York?” Her words trail off like she’s been punched in the stomach. She blinks, then shakes her head. “I can’t go to New York.”
“Why not? I’d take care of you. You know I would. You could move straight in. I could get you your own studio. We’d be very happy.”
“My life is here, Ethan.” Lily’s voice is incredulous. “My best friend is here. My home is here. My apartment is here. I’ve built a life for myself here, Ethan, in Payson, and I had to work damned hard to get here. I’m not going to leave it all behind because you’ve decided that you love me this week.”
“I’ve always loved you.”
“How do you know? You don’t know me anymore.”
I reach out and brush the back of my hand against her face, wiping away a tear with my thumb. “You’re still the same Lily Miller. Unforgettable.”
She turns her face away from me, pulls her hands toward her chest, shakes her head. “Last month you were dating Lorina Valencia, now you’re telling me I’m the one you always loved. Do you even know what you want, Ethan?”
“It’s taken me some time to figure it out. Last time I left, I was only a kid, too scared to tell you I wanted something different. Now, I’m not afraid to tell you I want you. With me. In New York.”
“And why can’t you come to Arizona?”
“Lily, I run a business. My life is in New York.”
“My life is here.”
We stare at each other. I wish Jennifer was standing slightly out of sight with a set of prompts because I don’t know what to say. I’m losing Lily.
“We could build a new life together in the city.”
“I don’t belong there, Ethan. I don’t want to be your accessory.”
“It wouldn’t be like that.”
“Nothing you have done in the last eleven years makes me think that I would fit into your life. I don’t want to leave my friends and my home, for which I’ve worked myself into the ground, to sit in some skyscraper and wait for you to come back to your penthouse. You say you love me, Ethan, but maybe I don’t feel the same. I don’t even know who you are anymore.”
“What can I do to change your mind?”
She shakes her head and lifts her hands. “There’s nothing you can do. It’s just too little, too late. I want to believe everything you’re telling me, but I don’t. I can’t help but feel like there’s more to it than you’re telling me. You show up out of the blue at the same time that I match with Vincent Oswald, who says himself that you’re always out for blood. I truly don’t trust you, Ethan. I’m sorry.”
Her words cut me deeply, and I can’t believe that I’m hearing them from her. Lily was always my champion, but now, she’s treating me like a stranger. The worst feeling of all is the sense that maybe I deserve it. After everything I’ve done, can I blame her for not trusting me?
Lily stands. She wipes her tears with the back of her hand and stares at me one last time. “I hope you find what you’re looking for, Ethan. I hope you’ll be happy.”
Jennifer closes her eyes, and when she opens them, they’re filled with sorrow. “I’m so sorry, Ethan. You did all you could.”
“She doesn’t trust me anymore. I never thought I’d hurt her this badly. I’ve pushed her right into Vincent’s arms. I hope he treats her right.”
Sitting on the arm of the chair I’m in, Jennifer lays her hand on my shoulder. “You knew it migh
t not work out. Now you have to find a way to move on and let her live her life.”
“You’re probably right, Jen, but I really don’t think I can walk away again. Nothing I have feels like it means anything anymore. Not without her.”
“We fly back to New York in a couple of days. You’ll be focused enough on the meeting with Healy that you won’t have time to think about Lily. Trust me, Ethan—you’ll be okay.”
Lily
Chloe ushers me into her apartment, then throws her arms around me, swaying from foot to foot in a giant hug. “At last!” she squeals. “I’ve been dying to catch up with you for too long. You didn’t come to class yesterday.”
“Too much has happened. I needed to let it sink in.”
“Well, you’re here now. Tell me everything.”
Chloe pours me an iced tea, and we sit together in her minimalistic apartment. It’s very feng shui. All her furniture faces the window, and she has a collection of mini bonsais on the sill. It smells of woody incense.
She sits cross-legged on the futon. I sit with one leg tucked under the other. She widens her eyes expectantly. “Well?”
“You’re not going to believe everything that’s gone on.”
I finish telling Chloe the whole story, and she lets out a low whistle. “Wow.”
“Tell me about it. On the one hand, Ethan’s declared his love for me and wants me to move to New York. On the other hand, I’ve got Vincent, who says he doesn’t want things to end when he goes back to the city. I don’t know what to do.”
“Which one are you going to pick?”
“Who says I’m going to pick either of them?”
“Let’s recap, Lily. We have Ethan Steele, whom you’ve been in love with for as long as I’ve known you, who wants to set you up in his penthouse and give you your own studio, and whisk you off to a happily ever after with him. Then, you’ve got Vincent Oswald, equally attractive and rich, who also wants you. And you’re saying you don’t know if you want either of them? You’re going to have to talk me through your train of thought there, honey.”
“Ethan was my childhood sweetheart, and, Chloe, of course, I still love him. Every time I see him I go weak in the knees. I’ve spent years dreaming of hearing everything he said to me—that he made a mistake, he loves me, he wants us to be together.”
“But?”
“But he’s changed a lot since we were young. He says he loves me, but how do I know if it’s true?”
“Why would he come all the way to Payson and wait outside your apartment to win you back if he didn’t care, Lily? He must still have feelings for you.”
“Maybe I could believe that if he didn’t have this weird thing with Vincent.”
“The rivalry.”
“Exactly. It makes me doubt that he’s sincere. I want to believe him, but then I think about how he came back, fucked me, and vanished. I think there’s something off.”
“Just because he did something stupid doesn’t mean he doesn’t care. Men do stupid things all the time based on some crazy logic we’ll never understand. They like to think they’re big boys, but a lot of the time, they don’t have a clue what they’re doing. Even the ones with lots of money and fancy suits. Underneath, they’re only people—and people make mistakes.”
“I know. I guess I don’t want to get hurt by him again. Ethan Steele isn’t an easy man to get over.”
“Well, how did you feel when he was saying he loved you? Did it feel real?”
“Of course, it did. But it felt real when he showed up a couple of weeks ago. It felt real when he said he loved me eleven years ago. With Ethan, it always feels real. I can’t switch off how real it feels.”
“Do you believe him?”
“I believe he thinks he loves me.”
“What does that even mean?”
“It means that I think Ethan has this picture in his head of me moving to New York and everything being like it used to be, and I know it won’t be. We’re hardly going to go skinny-dipping and running through the woods together again, are we?”
“That’s not because he’s a billionaire or because he’s moved to New York, Lily. That’s because you’ve both grown up. I don’t think anyone gets to our age and still lives life like that. I wish we all did, but life catches up with you. You’re both older now—things are never going to be exactly like they were.”
“I know.”
“And what about Vincent?”
I let out a long breath and shake my head helplessly. “I like him.”
“Just ‘like’?”
“I’ve hardly known him long enough for it to be love, but there’s something there.”
“What do you like about him?”
I shut my eyes and picture Vincent’s playful smile, and the serious look that comes over his face when he’s talking about music or art, the one that captivates me every time. “He can be really fun. He makes an effort. I don’t know. I guess he makes me feel special. And he’s smart, too. Really smart. He knows all about art and music. He’s traveled the world. When he talks, I want to listen. He’s got this allure.”
“How do you think he feels about you?”
I wrap my arms around myself and curl up tighter on the futon, rolling my head back and staring at the ceiling. “He says I’m not like the other girls he’s been with.”
Chloe scoffs. “That’s what they all say. What did you make of it?”
“I wonder if he isn’t another Ethan, though. He’s going back to New York. I don’t want to be holding out for him like I was holding out for Ethan, hanging onto someone who’s never coming back.”
“You haven’t given him a chance to prove himself to you yet. You’re judging him based on what Ethan’s done. Vincent’s not Ethan.”
“Ethan said Vincent’s dangerous, though. He thinks he’s only dating me to get to him.”
“And how is that supposed to work?”
“I don’t know. It seems stupid to me.”
“Maybe Ethan’s jealous.”
“Maybe, but Ethan was never manipulative like that. He was always very honest and loyal. I can’t imagine him badmouthing someone else simply to get his way.”
“So, you think Vincent is up to something?”
“I didn’t say that.”
Chloe lets out a long breath, putting her head in her hand. “You’re making my head spin, Lily.”
“Tell me about it. I wish there was a way to know which one of them was telling the truth.”
“The truth is always a gray area, Lily. They probably both remember things their own way. They don’t like each other, that’s it. It doesn’t mean either of them is a bad person or is going to treat you badly. They’re business rivals. Of course, they’re not going to sing each other’s praises. All that matters is what you feel.”
Tears begin to sting my eyes. “I want Ethan. I’ve always wanted him. But I don’t know how we can make it work. So much has happened and changed. We’ve been heading in different directions for such a long time. And I’m still angry at him.”
Chloe lays a hand gently on my back. “It all comes down to whether you want to give him one last chance.”
“There’s no such thing with Ethan. One last chance leads to another and another. He wants me to go to New York, but that means I’m the one who takes a risk. It’s been hard to get here, Chloe. My tiny little apartment, the low-paying commissions. They look like nothing to Ethan, but it’s taken me years to build this life. He just wants me to give it all up and follow him blindly. Part of me wants to, but the other part of me feels like it’s his turn to drop everything.”
“I guess he can’t do that, though. He’s the man at the top.”
“I don’t think he’d have time for me in his world.”
“Do you think Vincent would be any different?”
“Things are different with Vincent. We’re at the beginning of something. We’re not trying to get back to an old ideal. It’s building something new. Besides, Vincent d
oesn’t tie himself to work like Ethan does. He travels. He explores. He’s still got some life in him.”
“It sounds to me like you already know what you want.”
I shut my eyes and take a deep breath. “It’s time for a fresh start. I’m going to see how things go with Vincent.”
Ethan
The Penza Hotel. Jennifer has managed to track down where Vincent is staying by following his name on social media. A guest at the hotel has posted a picture of him there with the Oswald tag.
Before I left to confront him, Jennifer begged me not to go.
“Please, Ethan. I thought you were done with this.”
I hold up a hand. “I’m not going to start anything, Jen. I’m letting him know where he stands.”
Now, I’m at the hotel. I don’t even go to the reception to find ask which room he’s in. I head straight to the elevator to go to the penthouse.
I knock on the door.
Vincent answers. When he sees it’s me, his mouth curls into a smirk. He’s holding a glass of red wine in one hand. Piano music is playing in the background.
I step over the threshold without waiting for an invite. He steps back to let me pass, then closes the door. “Ethan. What a pleasant surprise.”
“I’m here to draw a line under this, Vincent.”
“What do you mean?”
“All of this. The games, the petty revenge. I’m done. Lily was the final straw. You’ve won—just treat her properly.”
“Are you really here to give in, Ethan?”
I walk over to the windows and look out over the mountain view, wondering if Lily has ever stood in this room. “I know you’re not really interested in her. You only go for models and coke addicts.”
Vincent scoffs. “And the women you go for are sweet, innocent angels?”
“I’m done with that now.”
“You’re done with me, and you’re done with cheap women. Why the sudden change of heart?”