Always Her (Lesbian Romance)

by Alexandra Delancey

  “Shall we sit outside?” I said.

  “Yes, let’s.” She surveyed the ramshackle combination of salvaged tables and chairs that made up the café’s seating arrangements, and picked a table in full sunlight. Sitting down, she took her sweatshirt off to reveal a black wifebeater with a racer back. She had good biceps, I noticed for the first time. They weren’t bulging, so you didn’t see them right away, but they looked like she played some sport. She pulled her hair up off her neck with an elastic band. “You’re popular here,” she said, as several girls passed by saying hello.

  “It’s kind of my local, for coffee during the day, as well as drinks in the evening.” She looked around at the clientele, and her eyes widened in recognition, but she didn’t say anything. My wicked streak was replaced by guilt that I’d made her uncomfortable by bringing her here, but her expression was more curious than anything.

  “What’s the coffee like here?”

  “It’s really good.”

  “I’ll have an Americano then.”

  The waitress came and took our order, and, as she stepped away, our eyes met, and we held each others’ glance for a long moment. Elise broke it first.

  “Did you and Christie have a good evening after the diner?” she asked.

  “Oh, we both had to work. She bartends up at Slim Jim’s, and I was in DeeBee’s as usual,” I said.

  “It’s hard finding time for each other as a couple when you both go to school and have jobs isn’t it?”

  “It is,” I said, and, before I knew it, I was telling her about my dilemma for the weekend.

  “You’ve got yourself trapped in a classic Catch 22 situation,” she said. “Man, I love that book?”

  “Really? I’ve started it a few times, but couldn’t get on with it.”

  “I’m a huge book nerd,” she said, her smile self-effacing.

  “You didn’t want to major in Literature?”

  “No way! I love reading too much to want to dissect books in essays.”

  “I know what you mean. Three years of study has kind of taken the fun out of it for me.”

  “Anyway, going back to your problem, I think when you’re in a situation where all possible outcomes suck, then you have to do what will cause the least pain overall.”

  “I like this idea.”

  “Will it kill you to meet her parents?”

  “Ha, they might. Her father’s a Baptist preacher.” Elise’s lips made a small O. “And I just feel like meeting family is what you do when you see things being for the long term.”

  “And you don’t?” I stopped dead, with my cup half way to my mouth. I hadn’t understood what I was saying when I was making that comment.

  “I mean, I can’t say. I’m not sure that I could see us getting married. But we’re only 22.”

  “I think I understand how you feel,” Elise said. She seemed to be about to say more, then stopped herself.

  “Do you have a boyfriend?” I asked. Immediately, she blushed crimson, beginning with her cheeks, then spreading over her face, all the way up to her hairline.

  “Yes,” she said at last. I pretended I’d received a message, and looked at my phone to give her a moment to recover from whatever embarrassment had set her on fire. “He’s a great guy, but things aren’t working so well,” she said. “He’s probably my best friend, but, lately, I’ve realized that’s all he is. Whereas, I know he’s in love with me.” She stared down at her coffee, so miserably that I half expected her to burst into tears.

  “It’s not just a blip? Seven year itch, or something like that?” She laughed.

  “No, we’ve only been together for six months.” She took a deep breath in, and it caught on the way out. “The truth is that I’m not attracted to him.” I almost choked on my coffee. I had no idea how to reply to that.

  “Shit. That’s tough,” I said eventually.

  “How can you tell someone who’s in love with you that you don’t feel the same?” I clasped my hands and rested them on the table in front of me, taking a moment to think.

  “I don’t know the answer to that. And it’s something that I absolutely don’t envy you. As humanely as possible, I guess.” She was silent for a long time, as if turning some things over in her mind.

  “Did you always know?”

  “That I was gay?” She gave a small nod. “Pretty much.”

  “I think I remember you having a girlfriend in high school. That small girl, with wavy dark hair?”

  “Yes, that’s the one – Clarice. She was my first love, and I was crazy about her. But when we were 18, she left me for a guy. In fact, she’d started seeing him behind my back. She broke my heart. And put me off straight girls for good.” Elise’s body jerked, as if she’d sat on a thorn.

  “No offence to straight girls in general,” I said.

  “She couldn’t have been straight if she was with you all that time?”

  “Maybe she was bi, maybe she was experimenting. But she never stopped flirting with guys when we were together, and since then, I’ve learned my lesson.”

  “100% lesbians only?”

  “It sounds extreme, but yeah. I don’t make it easy for myself though. I prefer feminine girls, and they’re the ones who often turn out to be bi.”

  “Maybe I’ll have to come here one night and canvas all the girls to see if that’s truly the case.” Elise’s eyes were intense, as if she was amused and offended all at the same time.

  “My friends mock me for my opinions too,” I said. “I guess I just got burned, and I’m still getting over it.”

  “Your ex-girlfriend did a really shitty thing to you. We were so young in those days though. I feel like I’ve grown up so much in the past four years.”

  “Yeah, we’re not The Plastic and the – ”

  “The Ironics.”

  “What?” I gaped. “Is that what you used to call us?”

  “Not me, but a few people did.”

  “Why?”

  “Oh, you guys used to wear those ironic hipster type clothes, and you wrote that satirical magazine. I think the humor was on another planet for some of the kids at school.”

  “That’s so funny. I had no idea!” She gave me a broad grin.

  “The secret’s finally out. Hey isn’t that Tatiana over there?” I turned my head to see Tatiana and Jess walking towards the cafe, hand in hand.

  “Yes! Hey, over here!” I called. They skipped up to us, and pulled seats over from a nearby table. I introduced Elise to Jess.

  “Hi! I know your face already though,” Jess said. “Those photos have turned out so well. You’re a natural in front of the camera!”

  “Oh, thanks.” Elise’s eyelashes fluttered, embarrassed. “Could I see them sometime?”

  “Of course,” Tatiana said. “We’re finalizing them now, and then we’ll send you copies of all them when they’re ready.”

  The girls ordered coffees too.

  “We were just reminiscing about our schooldays,” I said.

  “Oh that’s right, you guys were at high school together,” Jess said. Her expression became conspiratorial. “What was she like at school?”

  “Well, apparently, my friends and I had a secret nickname, as I’ve only just discovered!” I said.

  “We used to call them The Ironics, because of their passion for hipster clothes and vicious humor,” Elise supplied. The girls laughed.

  “I can totally see that,” Tatiana said.

  Elise excused herself to the bathroom.

  “She’s nice and funny,” Jess said. “Less mainstream hetero than I imagined from Tati’s description of her.”

  “She actually looks a little dykey in that wifebeater,” Tatiana commented.

  “I guess she does.”

  “And what brings the two of you to be having coffee in a lesbian establishment?” Tatiana asked, her eyebrow raised.

  “Oh, we got chatting in the library and decided to go for coffee, and this was the nearest place.”

/>   “Uh huh?” Jess said. “I think she likes you.”

  “What? No way. She’s straight, obviously.”

  “She have a boyfriend?”

  “Yeah. She was just telling me they were having problems, actually.” Now two sets of eyebrows were raised at me. Elise was coming back.

  “See, her eyes light up when she catches sight of you,” Jess whispered.

  “You’re so mistaken.” I shook my head.

  Before long, Elise had to get back to the library, and I spent a couple more hours chatting with the girls, before we all went back to work too.

  Chapter Six

  Elise

  After I’d said the words to Jack, I couldn’t unsay them. I’d brought everything out into the open, and the illusion I’d been building for myself, that Jared and I could be happy together, crumbled into dust.

  I’d had fun in the café with the girls, and had a sense, somehow that I was at home. Jess surprised me; I hadn’t expected Tatiana to be with someone as soft and friendly as she was. Tatiana still terrified me, but in a way that wasn’t unpleasant. I was almost in awe of her immaculate looks and razor-sharp delivery. It was only as I was walking back to the library that I comprehended that I’d been deceiving myself into thinking that we were two couples, hanging out together, as couple friends do. But I wasn’t Jack’s girlfriend; she had one already. And I was supposed to be someone else’s girlfriend.

  I had to break up with Jared. He was the best guy I’d ever met, and I couldn’t go on deceiving him that we had a future together. On the library steps, I stopped. There was no way I was going to get any work done now. My head was spinning. I needed to go home, lie on my bed and think about what I was going to say to him.

  His reaction was so much worse than I’d expected. I’d prepared myself for anger, disbelief, recriminations. But his eyes just filled with tears. He sat on his bed and cried silently, covering his face with his hands. It was a torture to watch him, as minutes ticked by, wishing I could say something comforting. But I couldn’t, because it was me who was causing him the pain.

  “I knew it, Elise,” he said at last. “The last couple of weeks, you’ve been so different. You’ve hardly touched me. And it seems like you can’t even stand to look me in the eye sometimes. I was hoping it would pass. There’s someone else, isn’t there?”

  “No, Jared, there isn’t!” I dropped to my knees and crouched down in front of him. “There’s no-one else, I swear. It’s just that I’ve realized we’re friends, rather than boyfriend and girlfriend.” He looked at me, his face taut with anguish.

  “But I don’t feel like that at all, Elise. I’m in love with you.”

  “Jared, I’m not the person you think I am. And if you’d known who I was, you wouldn’t have fallen for me in the first place.” He looked at me in utter confusion.

  “We’ve been together for six months now. I think I know you pretty well.” He sighed. “Is this about your father?” I stared at him.

  “It is, in a way, I guess.” I took a few deep breaths, tried to calm myself down enough to speak. “The truth is that I – I prefer women to men.”

  “What are you saying?”

  “I’m saying that I’m gay, Jared.”

  “No, Elise. You’re not gay!” he almost shouted. “You’re a beautiful, feminine girl. Where on earth did you get that idea from?”

  “I think I’ve always known. I’ve tried to ignore it, I really have. I know my father, more than anything, wanted me to get married and have kids, so I’ve done my best to live my life according to his wishes. But I can’t deny my natural feelings anymore.”

  “Elise, can you hear yourself? A natural life is being with a man, not with another woman!”

  “No it’s not. For me it’s not. I know how I feel. And you’re a great guy, Jared, the best. We’ve done our best to make it work together, but I know my future is with women.” His lips curled in disgust.

  “I can’t believe what I’m hearing. You’re saying that you’ve been tricking me this whole time?”

  “No, of course not – ” He stood up suddenly, knocking me off balance, and I snatched at the edge of the bed to stop myself from falling over.

  “Would you please leave, Elise? I need to be alone. I can’t cope with hearing any more now.”

  “Ok.” I stood up. I looked back at him as I left the room. He still had tears in his eyes. My heart shattered in empathy at the pain I’d caused him.

  *

  I don’t remember much of the next few days. I know I spent almost all of it in my bedroom, barely speaking to anyone. Instead, I curled up under my duvet, and tormented myself with thoughts of Jared and of my father. I’m gay, I whispered to myself. Before I’d said the words to Jared, I’d never spoken them aloud. I’d never given such an unequivocal name to the feelings I’d been having. Two very short words. But together they intimated so much. Every time I repeated them, I felt as if I was on a boat in stormy weather, nauseous and full of adrenaline.

  When I finally emerged from the shipwreck, my self-recriminations had eased off. I still didn’t know how I could make peace with my father’s expectations of me, but I knew that I could no longer live a lie for anyone’s sake. Ever since my father had been taken away from me, I’d had an overwhelming sense of mortality. For weeks after his death, I’d been neurotic about crossing roads and being in cars, and obsessed with the thought that I could be mugged or attacked in the street. But it was only now that I understood that living an artificial life is the same as cutting your own life short.

  I wasn’t ready to come out of the closet yet though. The thought of making that announcement to my friends still filled me with horror. Baby steps, I told myself. But I did need to speak to somebody. Of course, the person I really wanted to speak to, the one who had been the cause of all of this, was the one I had the least right to.

  I thought of going to the café where I’d been with Jack and her friends. I could go and sit at a corner table, and people watch. And maybe, when I’d had a couple of drinks, I could go and chat to someone who didn’t look too intimidating.

  On a Wednesday night, I got ready in a hurry after class, and I arrived at the cafe in a sleeveless blouse and a denim skirt. As I came within 20 feet of the outside tables, I froze. There was nothing of the laid-back breeziness of the daytime. All the tables were full, extra chairs pulled up to each one. People were talking excitedly, calling from one table to another, and there was music playing from speakers outside – a girl rockband I didn’t recognize. There wasn’t a single spare seat. I edged in between the tables and slunk towards the entrance. The eyes that turned my way were quizzical. I pictured speech bubbles above their heads, all filled with the same question: what’s the straight girl doing here? Everyone was dressed like either Jack or her girlfriend, and I felt faintly ridiculous in my girly mainstream outfit. I peered through the glass panel in the door, and saw only dim shapes at candle-lit tables. I pulled the door open, then let it go again. This was a terrible idea. I’d look like such a loser sitting by myself. Someone who had no right to be there. Who was I kidding? I turned around and went back the way I’d come.

  Embarrassment kept me home for a few days, studying, watching TV with my sister, not mentioning my break-up, and going out only to work or buy food. What do people do when they’re trying to explore their sexuality? I clicked onto the university’s internal website. The LGBT page wasn’t hard to find, unsurprising in such a gay-friendly town. They ran regular student nights, the next one being the day after tomorrow. Everybody welcome! We offer a meet and greet, whether you’re out and proud, or just questioning. Cringing at the well-meaning earnestness, I checked out the location, and promised myself I’d go, for half an hour at the least.

  This time brought the benefit of experience. I put on black skinny jeans, and a plaid shirt, which, although well-loved, rarely made it out of the house. I left my hair down and put some product in, trying to replicate the style from the photo shoot. I looked
in the mirror unconvinced. I was wearing a costume as much as when I was dressed up as a Plastic. I hesitated over shoes, trying on my Converses, before rejecting them as too dowdy, and replacing them with a pair of low-heeled black boots.

  40 minutes later, I was walking up to the doorway of one of those bars that look like they were knocked together the night before, with mismatched wooden planks and discount store paint. The lighting was turned up at least three notches too high.

  “Hey there!” A small, bubbly girl with curly red hair and hazel eyes greeted me at the door with a professional smile. “First time here?”

  “Is it that obvious?”

  “No! I just get used to the familiar faces around here. Shall I introduce you to some people?”

  “Sure.” She led me into the bar. The air was thick with excitement and apprehension that perfectly matched my own. My eyes darted everywhere, taking in the biggest group of lesbians I’d ever seen. There were androgynous types, butches, hipster femmes, and even quite a few who looked like me, but they were mostly a blur as the girl led me over to a group in the middle of the room. No-one knew each other. Hands in pockets, or fiddling with phones, a random collection of girls threw out awkward comments here and there. I excused myself as soon as possible, and went to the bar to get a drink. On the way, eyes turned in my direction, looking me up and down. I fought back discomfort at being stared at by women, laughing to myself at my own naivety. Of course girls checked each other out. There were a few people ahead of me, so I propped my elbow on the edge of the bar and waited, turning to cast my eyes around the room. Being surrounded by girls, like this, was the thing I’d longed for and dreaded throughout my teens.

  “It’s a little intense here, isn’t it?” a voice behind me said. I turned around to see a tall girl with dark hair in an asymmetric cut, and stretched earlobes sitting on a stool behind me. She smiled, revealing nice teeth, with a cute gap between the two middle ones.