The Suffocation of Katie

by Glenna Maynard

  Is Jake why she is pushing Kai and me together? So she can go after one of his best friends…I don’t want to step on toes, but I won’t be used either. For now, I will stay out of it.

  “My lips are sealed.”

  Maybe Kai already knows something is up between them. Is that why he seemed cold when Jake asked about Raven? Is he jealous?

  I can’t stop wondering about Kai and Raven. I know I should just ask one of them but I haven’t worked up the nerve to. I might not like what I hear.

  By lunch, I have spun my thoughts into a web that is covering my cranium. One thought leads to five more and those ideas lead me to places my mind shouldn’t go. There are so many unknowns. I cannot shake the feeling that Kirk somehow fits into all of this somewhere, but where…

  I am the first at the table, I hate sitting by myself I feel like people are staring at me. Darla comes over and says hi.

  “Aren’t you afraid Penny will disown you?”

  “I don’t agree with how she is acting, just wanted to see how you are doing,” she says her voice going soft. Darla hasn’t spoken to me since I started getting slut shamed. I assumed she hates me now too.

  “Couldn’t be better.” I smile at her and apologize for being a bitch to her. “Were you at Aaron’s party?”

  “Yeah, it was brutal. Penny and Aaron were drinking a lot. He kept trying to go to his room and she told him no. Well he blurted out in front of everyone that he should have asked you instead, at least then he knew he could get laid.” My mouth drops. What an asshole. “Penny freaked out, she smacked him. It was harsh. They went into his room. I left before they ever came out. So I don’t know what was said after that.”

  “Thank you for telling me.”

  “No problem.”

  Raven takes a seat across from me. I notice Kai isn’t with her. Darla excuses herself and goes to another table. I relay what Darla said to Raven.

  “What a jerk,” she says. “So I have to ask…did you sleep with Aaron? Please tell me no Katie.”

  Taking a deep breath, I tell her the truth. “Summer before ninth grade. I was on a church trip. Aaron’s dad had been transferred here at the beginning of summer. We spent a lot of time together at choir practice. I thought he really liked me ya know. Well we made out and he wanted to go further. I didn’t want to but I didn’t stop him either. I was afraid if I said no…”

  “That he wouldn’t like you anymore,” she says angrily finishing for me.

  “Exactly. Only he got what he wanted, he stopped talking to me and I never told anyone. When Penny started seeing him, she was so happy. I didn’t want to get in the way.”

  “Trust me; I understand more than you know.” She picks at her tater-tots lost in her own world.

  Chapter 12

  Kai wasn’t in art class and I didn’t see him at his locker after school. Not that I was expecting to or anything. Raven walks part of the way home with me, she has to work right after school at Beans. She keeps making me think she wants to tell me something but she is holding back. She keeps fidgeting with the locket around her neck.

  Abruptly she cuts across the street and yells, “see ya later.” Her blonde hair bouncing down the street is the only part of her I can see.

  Drops of rain begin to pelt my head. Seriously! We had a beautiful day the whole time I was in school today and now that I am outside to enjoy it, we get rain, great. Flipping my hood up over my head, I take off running. I make a mad dash for my street. By the time, I reach my gate the rain has stopped. I nearly topple over Percy, my neighbor’s cat. Picking him up, I scruff his neck, petting him behind the ears. When he purrs it sounds like a motorboat. I drop him over the fence into his own yard.

  My mother is sitting in the kitchen smoking and cleaning her wigs. “The school sent home a note that says you were absent the second half of school well over a week ago. I called and told them you came home sick and I forgot to check you out. I don’t know where you were but this will be the only time I cover for you.” She puffs hard on her Marlboro, her lips are starting to show wrinkle lines when she puckers and sucks. Too many years of that. I suppose, she does a lot of freaking puckering up.

  As I am rummaging through the cabinets for something to eat she says, “I have a friend coming over around six.”

  Don’t worry Nancy. “I’ll be out of your way,” I tell her, settling on a can of vegetable soup. We don’t speak any further.

  I fix my soup and take it into my room to eat and decide how I am going to pass the time tonight. I don’t have anywhere I want to be. Guess Nancy will be dealing with my being home tonight. My phone buzzes with a message from an unknown number. The message is a picture of a carpet muncher meme. I delete it and ignore it completely. I only have a few months of school left anyway; I can survive until I graduate. Another message pops up from Becks.

  Becks: I didn’t paint that on your house. It was Penny. Don’t tell her I told you. I am still mad at you but I think she is acting crazy. She is obsessing over you and Aaron.

  I don’t have the energy to text him back, no matter what I say he will still feel a way about me that I can’t change. I know people make mistakes but for Becks to just take her side without letting me explain because he was butt hurt, isn’t cool.

  I hear the front door open as my mother greets a voice I don’t recognize. Part of me wants to peek and see whom, but I know I am better off not knowing. Why couldn’t I have a normal mom that likes to bake and shit? I have to be stuck with a prostitute, and better yet why didn’t she give me up for adoption. Maybe I would have ended up in a nice home like Kai’s.

  My mother’s laughter echoes through the house at only God knows what. Popping my earbuds in I get lost in the music I have saved to my phone.

  Sleep eventually takes me and I awaken hours later from a dream about school. Everyone was there—at school. Kai was standing with Aaron and they were both pointing at me and laughing. Penny was whispering in Raven’s ear. When I walked passed Becks, he heckled me, calling me a whore. Must be because he was texting me earlier before I fell asleep. My phone is dead and my earbuds are wrapped around my throat. Untangling myself I plug in my phone with the wall adapter and wait for it to get enough juice to power on so I can check the time.

  I pad over to my door on my tiptoes, pressing my ear against the wall; I try to listen for any signs of my mother and her ‘friend.’ Not hearing anything, I decide it is safe to brush my teeth and wash my face. The house is oddly quiet with only the humming of the baseboard heater making a sound. Opening my mom’s door, she is sleeping soundly and there is a dude still in bed with her. This freaks me out her dates never stay over.

  I shut the door to her room softly and scurry back to my room without brushing my teeth. Skipping one night won’t kill me. Back in my room my phone is on and it is three a.m., so yeah that is definitely out of character for my mom.

  Making sure my door is locked just in case my mom’s friend is a wanderer; I crawl back into bed and fight sleep until it’s time for me to get ready for school. Tossing and turning, I keep lying in wait to hear my mom see her friend out but it isn’t happening, which means I am going to have to give in and drag my lazy butt from bed. Gathering my stuff quietly I hurry to the bathroom and lock the door so I can get ready for school.

  Something about knowing I am going to Kai’s house today makes me want to look nice. I put extra effort into making sure my hair is tamed, smoothing it half back into a barrette. I even use my mother’s fancy perfume dabbing some behind my ears. If she catches me using it she will rip me a new one.

  Glancing in the mirror and looking over my outfit—a tight royal blue long sleeved V-neck tee and black leggings…I look somewhat hot.

  When I go into the kitchen for my bowl of cereal, my mother and her friend are having coffee together at the table holding hands. I must have stepped into another dimension…I look hot today and my mother has a man here.

  “Katie darling, meet David.”

  Kat
ie darling? Yeah this can’t be my mother.

  “Hello, Katie. Nice to meet you.” The seemingly harmless man is holding his hand out to me.

  My mother clears her throat and gives me the evil side eye. I reluctantly shake hands with this stranger. My appetite is no longer with me.

  “David here is a contractor; he has been coming into the diner. He is helping build the new courthouse. We have been spending a lot of time together.” My mother explains his sudden appearance.

  Whatever, if he knew what she really was he would run away hard and fast. They always do once they learn she isn’t the settling down with one man type. She had this one regular when I was in grade school that worshiped her. He wanted to marry her and take us away from here and she broke his heart. I begged him to take me with him when he left. Even packed my backpack stuffing it full with my clothes. I sat on the front steps and waited for him to come for me, but of course, he never came back. I looked him up about two years ago online. He has since gotten married and has a beautiful family. It made me sad thinking that could have been me in the photo, happy, smiling with my dad and dog. I have always wanted a dog.

  A knock at the door saves me from having to engage in any further conversation with David and Nancy.

  “Morning,” Kai says groggily when I open the door.

  “Hey there sleepy head.” I close the door behind us. He looks exhausted. “Rough night?”

  “I didn’t sleep good. Khloe-bug came home from daycare early with a stomach virus. Poor thing was throwing up all night. I had to leave school to pick her up. My mom was swamped at work, Kirk was underground and my dad, well I don’t know where he was...” He rubs his fingers over his tired eyes before buckling his seatbelt.

  “Maybe you should stay home and rest or check in late or something,” I suggest.

  “I’ll be fine.” He drives us to school in silence.

  Seems that Kai takes care of Khloe more than his parents do. It isn’t fair of them to put so much responsibility on him. I know he loves his little sister but no wonder he wants to get away.

  When we get to school, we are a few minutes early. Kai has his head resting against his seat with his eyes closed. I think he might actually be asleep. It shocks the hell out of me when he takes my hand in his, resting our joined hands on his thigh. His thumb brushes circles over my knuckles in a soothing manner. I lay my head back and close my eyes too.

  Neither of us say a word. There is just something electrifying happening in this moment passing between us. I can’t explain it. I think my body has been sent into shock by his touch.

  Seconds go by or maybe minutes I can’t be sure. I can feel Kai’s eyes on me. Turning my head sideways, he is staring at me intensely. My heart ceases to beat and I am drowning under his gaze. A tightening ache squeezes in my lungs as I try to breathe. He is so beautiful, it almost hurts to look at him and see the hurt and desire behind his eyes. I know that pain. His pain is like a mirror reflecting the same hurt I carry inside of me.

  He angles his face towards mine, letting go of my hand I forgot he was still holding. “Kat,” he says my name swallowing hard. He licks his bottom lip and I am not sure if I want to be his lip or his tongue, so I can know what both feels like.

  “Yes, Kai,” I answer in a sultry whisper.

  The outside bell rings startling us both. His eyes drop. “We’re going to be late.”

  I simply nod and get out of the car feeling as if I might die. That was so damn intense.

  ~**~

  School passed in a blur, I can’t even recall what I ate for lunch. I just remember seeing Kai’s deep greens gazing at me with his dimples popping out. He has already dropped Khloe and me off at his house. Kai told me he was going to work delivering pizzas. That is the reason why I watch Khloe, because he has to work. He is saving his money for the band’s summer tour.

  Getting Kelli’s instructions for today from the fridge, I go over Khloe’s schedule. She gets to watch thirty minutes of TV while she has her after school snack. Today she gets a banana and peanut butter sandwich. I think it is nasty, but Khloe seems to think it the best thing ever, and she is on her second cup of milk to wash it down with.

  After watching My Little Pony, we go to her room to play. Today she has me playing restaurant—Khloe’s Fancy Cakes. The kid has a realistic kitchen, dishes and play food. I take a seat at her princess table, well I am on my knees at her table. I am afraid of breaking her chair. She goes through the motions of baking the cakes and serving me. She waits eagerly for me to pretend to taste each one.

  Praising her culinary skills, I tell her that she has the best Fancy cakes in all of Kentucky. This excites her and she tells me to just wait until she gets her Easy Bake Oven. Khloe says that Kai promised if she is good when I watch her that he will buy one for her.

  After Khloe goes to bed, curiosity gets the best of me and I find myself in Kai’s bedroom. He did say for me to come in here and stay if Kirk were to come home. So it isn’t like I am exactly intruding on his privacy.

  Kai’s room is nothing like I expected. I figured it would be like him—dark and mysterious. His walls are painted an antique white, lined with posters of quotes and lyrics. A canvas hangs above his four-poster bed with the words ‘just breathe’ painted in bold black letters by hand on it.

  Spinning around I scan his room and try to unravel the mystery that is Kai Cooper. He has the normal guy stuff on his shelf…a signed baseball, CD’s, DVD’s and video games. A large oak desk sits in front of his window that looks out over the pool in the back yard, what looks to be a hundred notebooks is stacked in the floor against the wall next to it. Those must be his journals or his lyrics maybe.

  Taking the top one from the stack carefully, I thumb through the pages. They mostly contain poetry. A picture falls out of Kai and Raven. Wow, they look so young and baby-faced. This had to have been taken around ninth grade. I stick the photo back inside and place his thoughts back in their respective spot.

  His closet door is open and I can’t fight the urge to smell his shirts, they smell just so like Kai. His freaking closet seems bigger than my whole house. I am tempted to lie and say Khloe spilled something on me so I have an excuse to wear one of his shirts. What the heck am I thinking? Kai is consuming way too many of my thoughts, everything is Kai this and Kai that it seems. I have to get back in my no boys allowed bubble.

  That thought goes away as soon as I feel Kai’s arms wrap around my shoulders. His breath is tickling my ear when he says, “you ready to go Kat?”

  I can smell his intoxicating cologne and I can longer form a coherent thought. “What did you say?” I ask feeling stupid, but too high on the feeling of him being so close to me to care too much. I am afraid to move, afraid to say anything else. I don’t know what I want to happen, but I don’t want this feeling to end.

  My eyes are closed as I try to commit this feeling to memory before it is over. That is how things go with Kai…one minute I think he will be amazing and sweet but the next he tenses up and turns cold on me.

  “Kat there is something I have been wanting to do since sixth grade, but I know it is probably a bad idea,” he says roughly.

  Spinning on my heel, I turn facing him. He has a pained expression on his face. Whatever he wants it is ripping him apart.

  “What. Do. You. Want Kai?” I ask him pronouncing each word slowly.

  He cups my chin with his thumb. “Something that will hurt us both. I don’t want to hurt you Kat, but there are things about me, you don’t know. Things I wish I could tell you but I can’t because they aren’t only my secrets to tell.” His finger trails along the side of my jaw from my ear to my mouth. “But I have to know,” he says with a pause.

  “Kai...” I start to say I don’t even know what. My thought is lost when his lips softly touch mine. My lips instinctively move against his and this time when he slips his tongue between my warm lips, I do not pull back and he does not lick my face. Our tongues sing together in perfect harmony. M
y heart and his heart beating together is the most beautiful song I have ever heard played.

  I don’t want Kai Cooper to stop kissing me. Ever. But I am running out of air and I need to breathe. Reluctantly we pull back from one another. I am still trying to catch my breath when Kai says more to himself than to me, “worth the hurt.”

  “If this is what being hurt by you feels like, then…I love pain,” I whisper the first semi-coherent thought I have.

  His lips are on mine again, as we taste and explore each other. I am not sure how we moved from the closet to his bed, but Kai is lying beside of me kissing me senseless. My fingers are raking through his shaggy hair, and his hand is fisting the hem of my shirt. My body is on fire. My nerves are flickering from high to low like a birthday candle about to be blown out. Kai is the only thing that can make me burn so bright other than music.

  I am not sure how long we lie here just kissing, nothing else. My lips are swollen and I am barely breathing as he consumes me. My chest aches with that tight squeeze again every time his lips leave mine. His breathy kisses are my oxygen right now, as we both pant and moan enjoying the sensations.

  Kai moves his hand under my shirt and I freeze unsure of whether I want to let things go any further. He said that he has secrets, but I already knew that. I wish he could trust me enough to let me in, but I have secrets of my own.

  He senses my hesitation and rolls away from me. “So, I should probably get you home. My parents should be home by now.”

  I glance at his alarm clock and it is well after midnight. “Wow, I didn’t realize it was so late.”

  “You could stay here if you want. My mom and dad wouldn’t even know you are still here. My mom is off tomorrow so her and Khloe sleep in. I can take you home early so you can get ready for school.”

  I think about his offer, it is tempting but dangerous. Staying here with him could lead to things I am not sure I want yet, but I am not sure I could tell my body no. “My mom is probably wondering where I am, as much as I want to say yes…Kai, I have to say no.”