The next morning, I told Lucy what had happened the night before.
‘Wow Faye, although now that I think back on it I can’t say I am surprised.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Well the guy is impulsive. You never know what you are going to get from him or what he will come out with next.’
It was true. Life with Brandon was a rollercoaster. As a journalist, he hadn’t quite found ‘himself’ and it was common for him to take the most unusual assignments in his efforts to find his niche. Depending on what he was working on, we could have a very serious week of news & politics or he could be dragging me to the latest interpretive art project by some Tibetan dwarf monk. I loved it and I loved him.
I did have a few niggles though; especially after last night’s ‘almost’ proposal. There was one really big secret that I was still keeping from him [well two if I was honest] and as time went by I didn’t know how I was ever going to tell him. It was something he had a right to know though; so that he could make his own mind up and it was something he really needed to know sooner, rather than later. Before things got too serious between us; well any more serious than they already were.
The way in which he found out the first secret I was keeping from him was a way I never even thought possible. I found out why Nate left me; he was having an affair. Some girl he had met on a course he had done. He swore blind to his mates that nothing happened until after we had broken up but she was counting their relationship from 3 weeks before he ended things with me so it was crystal clear what had been going on. It hurt a lot when I eventually found out. I struggled with what I was feeling. I was with Brandon and I loved him, but part of me (and I wasn’t sure how big that part was) still had feelings for Nate. Perhaps, I always would.
But despite this, or possibly because of this, the news of his affair hurt almost more than the actual break up had. Could I really feel like this? The reality was I had done the very same thing to him. For much longer too and I didn’t have the balls to end either one until my hand was forced. Even though I was angry and upset over it, I felt I didn’t have the right, which made me struggle with coming to terms with the news even more.
The day I found out about Nate’s affair I went home and cried. Brandon found me there, curled up on the couch like a small child.
‘Faye, what’s the matter?’
‘I’m a horrible person.’
‘What do you mean, of course you aren’t?’
‘I am; Nate was having an affair.’
‘Faye, that doesn’t make you a horrible person that makes him a horrible person. C’mere to me.’
His arms were outstretched and I desperately wanted to snuggle into them. But I couldn’t.
‘It does. You don’t understand.’
‘What do you mean?’
He looked at me utterly confused. I couldn’t speak.
‘I did it too…’
I watched as pain flicked across his face.
‘What do you mean?’
‘I cheated on him.’ I hung my head, shame enveloping me. Brandon didn’t say a word. So I continued; if I didn’t get it out now I might never. ‘I’ve told you before that I worked in Paris as an Air Hostess, for Europa Air, the summer I left school. Well, when I first went out there I was very lonely. I didn’t know many people and I was really homesick. They are not excuses I know, but well… it’s how I felt. I was only there a few days and I met a neighbour, I’d had an awful day and he’d helped me with my groceries. It turned out he was a pilot with Europa Air. We became, friends I suppose. It was obvious there was an attraction between us; I ignored it, for as long as I could. He knew about Nate, never put any pressure on me. Slowly things began to happen, well I suppose slowly at first. I felt awful. I had every intention of breaking things off with Nate, every time I came home. But I never did. Jake never asked me to, never put me under any pressure. After a while I felt like I was living two separate lives; one in Ireland and one in Paris. Our relationship in Paris was a secret so it was easy.’
I paused and chanced looking up at Brandon. He was watching me intently.
‘What happened then? How did it all end?’
‘My father had a heart attack. Sitting in the hospital, wondering whether he would live or die, I knew I could never go back to Paris, to that life. I realised how awful I had been; what I would be giving up. I resigned and moved back home, I never saw Jake again.’
‘Did you ever tell Nate this?’
‘No.’
Brandon stood up and went to the window. I stayed quiet. There it was; it was out now, one of my biggest secrets. He stood there, motionless for minutes on end. I dared not speak or move. As he turned to face me, I braced myself.
‘I’m going for a walk, I’ll be back later.’
I didn’t say a word. I looked after him as he put on his coat and walked out the door. Was this good or bad? Generally Brandon wasn’t the walking type. But then I suppose it’s what people did in situations like this; wasn’t it? People walked, cleared their heads. He had said he would ‘be back later.’ That was also a good sign. That’s what I kept telling myself. I waited, later was an indefinite amount of time though. I reasoned that later could encompass from now to midnight; even beyond. A walk could turn into a drive or a drink. He could meet a friend, talk it over with them. He could even stay with a friend, no; no he had said he would be back later. Later would come soon enough; I hoped. I stayed on the couch, I dared not move. It wasn’t fear that kept me there, in fact strangely I felt some sort of release, but I remained. Whatever happened now I had been honest; Brandon and I could have a truly honest relationship now; I hoped.
Chapter 11 – A chance meeting
I waited on the couch for what seemed like an eternity. Dusk fell and the room darkened. As soon as Brandon had left, I instinctively reached for my mobile to call Chloe to come over, but Brandon could return any minute and it would look bad if she was here; like I was playing the victim so I sat there alone.
This was hard for me. Not only was I grieving over Nate cheating on me, I was also worried over how Brandon had reacted. I suppose I had feared a bad reaction but didn’t actually expect for him to walk out. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t expect him to say ‘Aw there, there, now; don’t worry about that, it’s in the past’ and to never mention it again, but I didn’t think he would walk out and not say anything either. And so I waited. It felt like the most unnatural thing in the world for me to do; just sit there quietly and wait. I felt I should be crying, no bawling, pulling my hair out or running out into the street like a deranged woman desperately trying to find Brandon.
Hunger pangs turned to a grumbling belly but I really couldn’t face eating. The sitting room filled with darkness but I didn’t turn on a light. Minutes just before ten, I heard footsteps in the hallway. They were either Brandon’s or our neighbour John’s; there were only two apartments on our floor. I heard keys rattling and I braced myself taking a sharp intake of air as I did. The room filled with light from the hallway and then from all the lights and lamps as Brandon hit the switches on his way in. I didn’t move or make a sound.
‘Oh Faye you’re here, I thought. The darkness’
I didn’t respond. Brandon stood awkwardly at the back of the chair.
‘Faye I’ve done a lot of thinking. I’m really hurt. I can’t believe you cheated. I just never thought that is something you would do.’
‘Brandon, I would never cheat on you.’
‘You’re still a cheater.’
‘Brandon that’s unfair! It was a very long time ago. Over four years ago, I was a teenager!’
We looked at each other. I could see that he was upset, but I didn’t understand why, I hadn’t cheated on him.
‘I don’t understand why you are reacting like this? Yes cheating is wrong, very wrong, but I didn’t do it to you. I would never! You’ve no idea how I’ve felt all this time.’
He looked at me, I could see the pain in his eyes,
it was the pain I felt, but it wasn’t my pain it was his own, it was raw.
‘No Faye you didn’t cheat on me, but someone else did. And I just don’t know that I can trust you anymore.’
‘Brandon, please believe me, I would never do anything to hurt you, not like this. I love you.’
‘Ciara loved me too, or so she said.’
He sat in the chair facing me. His head hung low. Ciara, I don’t remember him mentioning a Ciara before, but then again when I thought about it, he hadn’t gone into much detail about his Ex’s or past relationships.
‘Who’s Ciara?’
‘An Ex.’
I stayed quiet, hoping he would elaborate.
‘I haven’t told you this before, in fact I’ve not spoke about it in over 5 years. Ciara was my fiancée; we were weeks away from the wedding when I went home to visit my mum. I had planned to stay for a long weekend, my last as a single man. I missed Ciara though, couldn’t wait to get back to her so I came back up early to surprise her. I found her in bed with some guy that went to her gym. They’d be having an affair for 2 years, almost the entire time we’d been together; it devastated me. You’re the first woman I’ve even dated since then. And now, well now I can’t even look at you.’
I listened, at first I felt sorry for him. I could understand why he had reacted the way he had. Then I realised he had kept that from me, never mentioned he was so close to getting married or that he had ever been engaged before. Blood boiled in me and I snapped; I had been so calm, too calm all day. I couldn’t take it anymore. I had done the right thing, I had been honest!
‘Brandon I was being honest with you, I wanted you to know how much you meant to me and you treat me like this? I cheated, yes, but that doesn’t make me a cheater. You make it sound that any person who ever cheats can never be trusted. I was young, very young and thrust out into the world. I was still a teenager for Christ sake! That’s hardly the same as your fiancé carrying on the entire time you were with her. AND I can’t believe you never told me you were engaged!’ I knew I should quit while I was ahead but all the anger and emotion I had suppressed since he walked out the door erupted out of me. ‘What else are you keeping from me?’
‘Don’t turn this back on me to make yourself feel better Faye, this is your doing. You’re the one in the wrong here. Look, I came back to tell you I am going to go down to my mother’s for a while. I don’t know exactly how long, a few days at least. I need some space. I’ll call you.’
I sat on the couch while he packed; glad he was going. I boiled with anger. I wanted to scream the place down but I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of hearing how annoyed and upset I was. I would wait until he was gone. It didn’t take him long; he had only packed a small suitcase. He hesitated on his way out, I thought he might say something but he didn’t, neither did I. When he had left the gravity of what was happening fell down on me. Brandon had just walked out on me; almost as quickly as Nate had done that morning. What was it with men and their ability [or need] to get out of a situation as quickly as possible? I reached for my mobile then and dialled Chloe’s number; it rang out. I considered calling Lucy too but she didn’t know the whole back story and I didn’t need any other shock or surprise reactions tonight. I crawled into bed, still fully clothed and cried myself to sleep.
The following morning I couldn’t face work, I had some stuff with me so gingerly called the office to say I wasn’t feeling well and that if it was ok I would work from home today. I knew I really wouldn’t get much done but at least they thought I would. I peeled yesterday’s clothes off and stood motionless under the shower. I coaxed myself into more clothes with the promise of fresh Danishes, chocolate and an array of magazines from the shops. The fresh air hit me like a gentle punch, waking me up a little more. My phone rang as I made my way down the street.
‘Hi Faye, sorry I missed you last night, was exhausted so went to bed early. What’s up?’
‘You free tonight? Fancy coming over for a Chinese and bottle of wine?’ I didn’t fancy going into it on a public street and decided telling her in person would be best.
‘Sure, but only if we substitute the Chinese for a Pizza – mad craving for one right now!’
‘Cool, see you about 8?’
‘Perfect, Ciao!’
My happiness that my evening was sorted was short lived when I walked into the shop and caught a glimpse of myself in the doors. My eyes were red raw from all the crying and my face was set in an expression that would sour milk and clearly, I hadn’t been paying attention when I dried my hair or got dressed. I had a big suspicious stain down the front of my top and part of my hair was at right angles to my head. Just beautiful!
Who cared? Not like I would be meeting anyone. I gathered up as much chocolate, pastry goods and magazines as I could and as I went in search of something to wash it all down with, when I walked straight into the back of some guy peering over sandwiches in the fridge.
‘Oh god, I’m sorry!’ I said.
As he turned around I dropped my basket in shock.
‘Nate! What the hell are you doing here?’
‘Faye… I. Wow, are you ok?’
I knew I shouldn’t have, but I burst into tears.
‘Aw Faye, come here what’s happened?’
Almost like we’d never been apart, he wrapped his arms around me and enveloped me in a hug, stroking my head as I sobbed into his chest. He smelt exactly the same; I drunk him in. For that moment in time I was transported back to the very night I first met him; Nate always seemed to be there when I needed him most.
Grabbing a sandwich and picking up my basket, he told me to wait outside while he paid. I felt like a small school girl, all the while wondering what on earth he was doing here and why on earth I was crying in front of him.
‘Faye is there somewhere close by we can go and talk?’
I nodded, ‘I live just down the road.’
We didn’t say anything on the short walk back to the apartment. As I reached for my keys to open the door something inside me screamed, ‘What the hell are you doing?’ I suppose in hindsight bringing your Ex back to your apartment that your boyfriend has just fled because you are a ‘cheater’ wasn’t the wisest move. But I wasn’t thinking [clearly].
‘Cup of tea?’
I just nodded. Shame and embarrassment filled me.
‘I’m sorry.’
‘For what? You haven’t done anything.’
‘For lots of things. But right now, for making a holy show of us in the shop.’
‘Don’t worry about that.’
‘Tell me what’s wrong.’ He looked at me, full of concern.
‘Why are you being so nice to me?’
‘I still care about you Faye.’
‘Then why did you break up with me?’
‘It’s funny, that’s a question I’ve asked myself a lot lately.’
I stared at him. Had he actually said that?
‘I don’t understand?’
‘I’m not here for that right now; what’s happened to put you in such a state?’
I looked at my hands. This really had been a bad idea. What was I supposed to say without everything coming out? Why did I get myself into these messes!
‘This might make you laugh, although maybe not. But it’s you.’
‘Me? What do you mean?’
‘I bumped into John Paul yesterday. He told me some things, about you and well about Edel, is it?’
Nate’s eyes widened as the penny dropped.
‘Oh right. I see, Faye, I…’
‘There’s more.’
He looked a little surprised.
‘Afterward I was upset - I never thought you would do that.’ He tried to interrupt, ‘Please let me finish; this is going to be hard enough to get out. Afterwards, I was upset so I came home and cried. Brandon, my boyfriend found me here, on the couch, in a state. He asked me what was wrong and I told him that I was a horrible person. When he asked why I told him about
you cheating on me. He didn’t understand why I thought that made me a horrible person so I told him it was because I had done the same thing, I cheated on you when I was in Paris, for most of the time I was in Paris.’
‘I take it that your boyfriend didn’t take to kindly to you having cheated in the past?’
‘No. .. I’m sorry Nate.’
‘It’s weird to actually hear it.’
‘Hear what?’
‘Say you cheated. I suspected you had.’
‘You did?’
‘ Yes. Well you were so sad when you first went over there and almost overnight you were brilliant. I suspected there had to be a reason.’
‘You never said?’
‘I didn’t have the guts. I was too afraid that you would say yes and then I would have to end things and I didn’t want that.’
‘Oh’ This was all a bit shocking. ‘Nate can you tell me why you did end things?’
‘John Paul was right, I was having an affair. Well at least trying to. I was so scared, well no maybe frightened is a better word, about getting married and whether or not I was making the right choice that I panicked. You were the only woman I had ever been with, I wanted to be sure I was making the right choice. In my head, I convinced myself that yes you had had an affair, to justify it, so that in me having a little one to see if you were the woman for me was ok.’
‘And I wasn’t…?’ It wasn’t really a question I wanted an answer to; it was more me finishing the story.
‘When I first met Edel, things were fresh, new and exciting. I got hooked on the thrill, the thrill of chasing her and the whole relationship being new. It was like a drug. I suppose I was in a ‘euphoric’ state, I was convinced that marriage wasn’t where I wanted to be. So, well, that’s why I ended it. It broke my heart too, Faye, you have to know that.’
‘In a strange way, I understand. I still can’t believe that you cheated on me, but well…’
The Meaning of Purple Tulips Page 6