‘Yea, I am sorry about that. It’s not my most proudest of moments.’
‘Mine either. I am sorry too.’
‘What are you going to do? About the boyfriend?’
‘He left, to get some space. He is staying with his mother.’
‘Do you think he will come back?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘Do you want him to come back?’
I thought about that, which was strange to do with Nate sitting in front of me. ‘Of course I do.’ A few moments passed and neither of us spoke. ‘Thank you.’
‘For what?’
‘For being nice to me, for listening; for being there.’
‘Faye, I’ll always be here for you. I still care.’
‘Thanks’
Nate left shortly after that. I sat back on the couch, confused.
Chapter 12 – Why not me?
For the rest of the day, I tried to distract myself from thinking about Nate. I even attempted some work, but nothing worked. I analysed our entire conversation in my head over and over, I even Googled body language to see if his had said anything. Somewhere between watching a re-run of Emmerdale and deciding that polished silver door handles weren’t the best invention, I convinced myself that Nate wanted me back. What shocked me even more was that part of me (and I wasn’t sure how big that part was yet) was really happy about that. As Chloe knocked on the door I realised that I hadn’t given Brandon a second thought since Nate left. Did that say something?
‘Faye I’m starved can we order straight away?’
Chloe whisked passed me, she looked worn and tired.
‘Are you ok, Chloe? Don’t take this the wrong way but you look awful.’
‘Thanks, I know.’
She plonked herself on the couch picking up the menus I had left out for us to choose from, her foot going ninety to the dozen against the leg of the coffee table. I watched as she absently twisted a strand of hair around her index finger. She pulled it so tight part of her forehead went white.
‘Chloe what’s going on?’
I watched as she carefully placed the menu down on the table, the intensity of her foot tapping increased, she looked me straight in the eyes.
‘I’m pregnant.’
I looked at her stunned. Pregnant! I moved to the chair beside her, sitting down slowly, shock taking over.
‘Are you sure?’
‘Pretty sure.’ Her face was white.
‘Have you done a test?’
‘No, I have it with me.’
She reached into her bag and took out a slim blue box. She handed it to me. I’d never held one before. I took it in my hands almost like it was a gold bar. I looked up at her.
‘Will we do it now?’
She nodded and got up.
‘Use the main bathroom; I just put fresh towels in there.’ Not that they would make a blind bit of difference.
She peed on the stick and opened the door. We both sat on the edge of the bath, our arms around each other.
‘It will take 2 minutes.’
I nodded.
We didn’t speak for the two minutes. The only sound in the room was Chloe’s foot taping on the terracotta tiles. My mind was blank. A baby, Chloe was going to have a baby. I had seen the second line the moment I walked into the room but neither of us acknowledged it; we would wait the two minutes. Her phone beeped and we looked at each other. We stood up, Chloe straightening out her top. She took one step forward and put both hands on the edge of the sink to steady herself.
‘I’m pregnant.’
I stepped forward and put my arms around her. She turned into me and we stood there holding each other. Chloe was pregnant. I couldn’t believe it. Time passed, I’m not sure exactly how long, but enough for Chloe’s stomach growls to go from barely audible to angry and aggressive.
‘You need to eat Chloe.’
‘For the baby’s sake?’ and with that she burst out laughing. Great big, thundering rolls of laughter, she was bent in two she was laughing so much. I couldn’t help myself, I started too. The two of us clutching the sink for support as tears of laughter flowed down our faces. Composing ourselves, we ordered the largest pizza we could find, garlic bread and ben and jerry’s ice cream. I put away the wine I had uncorked and cracked open some minerals.
‘How do you feel?’ I was going to add ‘about it’ but well I knew she probably didn’t know.
‘I feel relieved to be honest. I’ve thought I was for weeks but didn’t have the nerve to test. At least I know I’m not going mad.’
‘And Anthony, have you said anything to him?’
‘No… how on earth do I? We’re not together long, and I still haven’t asked about the house listings I found.’
‘What are you going to do?’
‘I don’t know. Pregnant medical student is hardly a great look now is it?’
‘I suppose not.’
‘It’s rather exciting isn’t it, a baby.’
I smiled, ‘That’s the last thing I expect you to say.’ But as I thought about it, it was rather exciting; a baby, a whole new life. ‘Hold on, weeks, you said you’ve known for weeks. How pregnant are you?’
Chloe looked at me, a little embarrassed, ‘At least 2 maybe 3 months. There are only really 2 occasions I can think of, that it happened, and they are almost exactly a month apart.’
‘Wow you’re that pregnant.’
Chloe nodded, a distant smile creeping across her face. She looked thoughtfully out the window and absentmindedly rubbed her belly. I watched her. She didn’t look pregnant, but I imagined a small neat bump, tears pricked my eyes.
‘Faye are you ok?’ Chloe looked at me full of concern.
‘I am, I’m just happy for you that’s all.’ The doorbell saved me then, signalling the food had arrived. We gorged ourselves and despite there being enough to feed a small army we finished the lot.
‘Faye, where’s Brandon?’
I realised then, in all the pregnancy test excitement that I hadn’t told Chloe anything about the past twenty four hours. For a split second, I thought about saying nothing; that he was visiting his mother, but I knew better.
‘Brace yourself…’
I told her everything, the whole sorry tale, starting with my catch up on Nate’s affair with John Paul, through Brandon being engaged and walking out, to bumping into Nate who had comforted me and left me sitting confused on the very same couch we were now curled up on. Her eyes widened as the story unfolded.
‘Wow Faye, quite the twenty four hours you’ve had!’
‘Tell me about it.’
‘What are you going to do?’
‘I don’t know; I’ve no way of contacting him.’
‘Why? did he not bring his mobile? Surely, you have his home number?’
‘Well I don’t have his mobile to begin with, but I never thought of his home number that’s a great idea!’
‘What do you mean you don’t have Brandon’s mobile number?’
‘I’m not talking about Brandon, I’m talking about Nate.’
‘Faye, what’s going on here? Brandon is your boyfriend, who you live with; Nate is your Ex, who cheated on you!’
I looked at her shame faced, again I hadn’t thought about Brandon, what was going on in my head?
‘Faye do you still have feelings for Nate?’
I looked at her; I wasn’t sure how to answer that. I did feel something, but I wasn’t sure what that was. I hadn’t really thought about Nate in a while. But after seeing him today, talking to him, he was all I could think of.
‘I’m not sure.’
‘And Brandon, how do you feel about him?’
‘I love Brandon.’ That was an easy answer, I was relieved, I hadn’t even thought about it, it just came out. I. Love. Brandon.
‘You are sure.’
‘Positive’ And I was. And then I burst into tears. ‘What if he never forgives me, what if he leaves me? Oh God, what have I done.’
&nb
sp; It was Chloe’s turn to comfort me now.
‘Sshh sshh, there, there. I’m sure he won’t; he just needs time. Give him some time and space and he will be back. I’m sure it’s just the shock. I was shocked when you first told me.’
‘You were?’
‘Well yea, it’s not something I ever expected you to do, cheat, if I’m honest.’
‘Do you think I am a horrible person?’
‘Of course I don’t you loon. Hey, we all make mistakes! Look at me. Up the duff, unmarried, still in college; am hardly the picture perfect poster for a saint myself!’
‘That’s true.’ I smiled a weak smile.
‘You bitch!’
We laughed at each other, hugging.
‘We’re a right pair!’
‘At least we have each other.’
‘We always will Chloe; I’m here for you, all through this, no matter what.’
‘Thanks. I might just hold you to that.’
‘When will you tell Anthony?’
‘I really don’t know. I suppose soon. I can’t hide from it any longer. I’ll probably have to drop out of college.’
‘Really? Do you think you’ll have to?’
‘Well I can hardly complete medical school with a baby on my lap.’
‘Don’t make any rash decisions until you’ve spoken to Anthony.’
‘You are probably right. Faye I’m knackered, do you mind if I stay?’
‘Not at all, I’ve made up the spare room for you.’
‘Thanks, do you mind if I go to bed?’
‘Not at all.’
I watched as she trundled into the spare room, emotional exhaustion hitting her like a brick. I still couldn’t believe she was pregnant. If she was shocked that I had cheated on Nate; I was even more shocked that [future Doctor] Chloe Jenner had managed [at this stage in life] to allow herself to get pregnant. I cleared up our plates and things and while putting the bins out, decided I would text Brandon. I sat on the edge of the bed composing and recomposing several texts. In the end I settled on a simple < I love you, xx>. It was only just after nine, still early enough to expect a reply from him in the next three hours or so.
I decided I would catch up on some reading and snuggled down into my pillows, the faint smell of Brandon’s aftershave still lingered around his side of the bed. I opened my book and began with the first line, but my mind wandered.
A baby! Why Chloe? She was at the start of a very promising career, was seeing an amazing guy and really wasn’t in a position to take on a totally dependent, time consuming baby. I tried to imagine how Anthony would take it. He was older than Chloe, by about 10 years. He was established, had his own practice, well, inherited practice. He probably wouldn’t take kindly to his apple cart being upset by his [only just] girlfriend being pregnant. His parent’s probably wouldn’t either. From what Chloe had told me, they were very traditional and thought that the sun shone from their only son. Why Chloe? Why did Chloe have to be the one to get pregnant? Why not me?
Chapter 13 – The other secret
I didn’t sleep a wink that night. I told myself it was because I was waiting on a text from Brandon and then because I was upset because one never came. But I knew the real reason; I was devastated. Not because Brandon had left me, or that Nate had cheated on me, or even for Chloe; all perfectly good reasons to feel the way I did. I was devastated because I wasn’t pregnant, because it wasn’t me creating the new life. It is something I had always wanted. I had never told anyone. But my own baby, my own blood relative was something that I wanted more than anything else I could think of.
You see I had a secret; another one. A secret that I had never uttered to anyone; one that probably hadn’t been uttered since the day I was born. Maybe saying I had a secret was the wrong way to put it. Maybe saying there was a secret or even that I was the secret was better. I had lived my life oblivious to it for fourteen years. In fact, it was only by pure chance that I actually discovered the truth. And since I had known the truth I haven’t known what to do with it; so I did nothing, said nothing.
Pure chance happened on a Monday. I had never liked Monday mornings to begin with, who does? It was a Monday morning, the day my family life fell apart. I was supposed to have Geography but Ms. Morrison had taken her 5 th Years on some excursion along with Mr. O’ Neill, so their two Monday morning classes were crammed into the study hall for ‘revision’. Late to class as usual, I was squashed into the front row corner beside some freckly first year, Roger.
Roger had long fingers, the longest I had possibly ever seen on anyone and he had the most immaculately manicured nails for a boy. His hands mesmerised me as he turned the pages of the book he was reading, a science book. Ironic really that it should be a science book. A war had waged between my parents, Chloe and I as to whether or not I should take science in school. I hated the idea of it; they were all for it. I wonder what would have happened had I actually studied the subject; would I have discovered the truth earlier? You see it was from this science book, Roger’s science book, that I discovered I couldn’t possibly be my parent’s biological daughter.
At first I was sure it was a mistake, or I had read it incorrectly. I didn’t even have the opportunity to re-read the paragraph on genetics, to be sure that the one line that had caught my attention was right, before Roger had turned the page and moved on. I had to wait an entire two hours before I had had an opportunity to go to the library and get a copy of the science book myself. Questions milled through my head during this time and in my preoccupied state, I had managed to miss Ms. Donohue’s questions and earned myself an evening detention for not paying attention. I couldn’t focus on anything else but if I wasn’t their child, whose child was I. Did they know I wasn’t their child? Had I simply been swapped at birth? Was Josh their child? Was Josh my biological brother? Did they know? And if they did why, in fourteen years, had they never said anything? It was the longest day, made longer by my detention; during which I prepared a whole speech demanding to know what was going on.
Once released from my evening prison, I raced home and through the front door. Somewhere between the school and arriving at the house, rage had overcome me and I tore through the house in search of my parents. A note in my mother’s neat cursive stuck to the fridge caught my attention.
Faye,
Had to run to the shops, your father is working late.
We’ll discuss your detention after dinner.
Mum
Except she wasn’t my mum and he wasn’t my father, were they? A thought struck me as I looked in the mirror. Maybe they were, maybe we all had a crazy defective gene or two that allowed it? I stared into my hazel eyes; the words of the science book ringing in my ears; it’s genetically impossible for blue eyed parents to produce a brown eyed child. I looked at our wall of family photos, scruntising each photo. Maybe I was wrong; maybe they both didn’t have blue eyes. Maybe I just thought they did. I scanned the pictures; their wedding, their honeymoon, Christmases, holidays, birthdays. My father’s deep blue ocean eyes smiled back at me, while my mother’s bright blue, almost sky blue twinkled in every photo. And then there was Josh, my little brother, he had my mother’s eyes; there was no doubt. I sat on the edge of the stairs in shock. I expected tears to come, but they didn’t. The grandfather clock in the hallway ticked and as it chimed the half hour, a thought struck me; my birth cert.
I was outside my father’s study before I realised I had moved; instinctively I went to knock. The door ajar I pushed it open slightly. The room was, as it always is, immaculately tidy and dominated by my father’s mahogany desk. I never had cause to look for my birth cert before but I assumed it would be in his filing cabinet. Sitting down in his leather upholstered gentlemen’s chair, I prayed that he didn’t lock his filing cabinet. It slid easily out towards me and before bending down for a closer look I listened to make sure no one had come home in the time it had taken me to get here. Each file was labelled, I lifted out the one marked ‘Certi
ficates’ and lay it on the desk. I turned over pages, carefully so as not to disturb anything, and then I came to it; my birth cert. I held it gingerly in my hands. This was it; I forced my eyes to look down. I scanned the page and dropped it, almost like it contained an electric shock when I read it. Mother: Marie Marshall, Father: Conan Marshall. I stared at it in complete shock. Lifting it up again, to make sure it was real I noticed a second piece of paper beneath it. This read ‘Certificate of Adoption’. I was five months old when it was dated.
I heard a car pull up then, so I replaced all the papers and slide the file back into place. Taking one last look at the desk to make sure everything was as it was; I crept back out and up along the back stairs before mum and Josh made it in to the kitchen. I sat on the edge of my bed trying to catch my breath. Who were Marie and Conan Marshall and why had they given me up? My mum called me then and I hesitated before running down to help her unload the car.
That was over ten years ago now. I had never mentioned it to my parents or asked any questions and when, at 17, I asked if I could have my own passport and my mother offered to sort it all out for me; I knew it was because she didn’t want me seeing my birth cert. I didn’t make a fuss and just said ‘that would be great’. I thought perhaps they were waiting until I was 18 or maybe 21 to tell me, but those two milestones came and passed and nothing was ever said. I figured they must have a really good reason not to say anything to me and so as not to upset the apple cart, I said nothing to them. It didn’t stop any of the wondering or the longing though.
The longing for my own family was so great that when Nate and I had been together over two years, around my twentieth birthday, I had tried to get pregnant. Nothing had happened though and after a few months I realised that it really wasn’t the time for trying. But now, well now I was finished college, had a good job, a lovely apartment and a good man; or at least I hoped I still had a good man, and I really just wanted my own family. Don’t get me wrong, I loved my parents and they would always be my parents but as I grew, I noticed the differences not just between me and them but also in how they treated Josh and I. Josh was theirs; I knew it, long before I had ever checked his birth cert. The bond was there; naturally. I wanted that bond, that natural bond and I knew I would only get it from my own child.
The Meaning of Purple Tulips Page 7