The Meaning of Purple Tulips

by Bláithín O' Reilly Murphy

  ‘God no, I needed a break from him. Not easy, babies; but you’ll find that out yourself soon enough.’

  I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. How could neither of them think so little of their own son? I was baffled.

  I looked at them; ‘You deserve each other, I’m going out, when I come back I want you both out of my house – for good!’

  Chapter 48 – Back at the beginning.

  Sitting in the car, I felt calm. I’d known for months that something was up with Brandon. I never imagined this but now that I knew, I somehow felt relieved. My phone rang persistently in my bag beside me but I ignored it, no matter what he had to say I didn’t want to hear it. The only thing I was sure of right now; was that I no longer wanted to be married to Brandon; perhaps I never did. I pulled up outside of Chloe’s and waved at Ella through the window.

  I realised in my haste to leave the house that while I knew what I wanted to do, I didn’t know where exactly I needed to go, besides I would need to calm down and digest everything that had just happened, before I did it. Chloe was at the door before I had extracted myself from the car, baby Liam on her hip.

  ‘Well this is a nice surprise!’

  ‘Surprise definitely, not sure if it’s nice!’

  ‘What do you mean?’ Chloe looked at me puzzled.

  Over tea and a packet of digestive, I relayed my afternoon to her.

  ‘Oh god Faye, had I realised any of that had happened, I would never have called him! I’m so sorry.’

  ‘It’s not your fault, but can I ask, why you did call him?’

  ‘Well, god it sounds so foolish now; I didn’t want for you to be disappointed. What with asking for a sign, I was afraid nothing would happen and you deserved more than that; so I gave them a little push.’

  ‘What? both of them?’

  ‘Yes... all I said was that if they wanted you that they should make a move before it was too late. That’s all I said, the exact same thing to them both.’

  ‘What about Brandon knowing about the money, the inheritance.’

  ‘Oh, I never told him about that. He rang me once, saying he couldn’t get through to you and I said you were probably at your new house and he asked how that came about and I just said you had come into some money.’

  I nodded.

  ‘Are you ok Faye, I’m sorry if I’ve caused you any heartache.’

  ‘You haven’t and I’m fine, really I am. It’s weird, I almost feel relieved that I have a reason to get out of the marriage; isn’t that awful?’

  ‘No, I don’t think it is; not in this case anyways. To be honest Faye I never liked him.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘From the start it was all about him and what you could do for him. I just think he is selfish.’

  I reflected on that, I suppose she was right. From our very first meeting, it was all about what I could do for him or how he could further his career. It had always seemed in the moment that he was selfless and generous, or romantic and thinking of me but in hindsight, that was all a ruse. He did what he did because it suited him or was ultimately for him. I wondered if he ever loved me or had our whole relationship been because it suited him at the time.

  I thought back over the past two years of my life; I was practically at the same place again. Being propelled out of a serious relationship, although this time I didn’t mind at all and while pregnant, it wasn’t mine to keep. Was I destined to go around and around in circles?

  ‘What are you going to do now?’

  ‘First get Brandon out of my life for good, second have this baby and after that I don’t know.’

  ‘You know exactly what I mean!’ she smiled knowingly at me from across the table.

  ‘I don’t know if I can do that, I think I’ve missed my chance there.’

  ‘You and I both know you haven’t. I don’t know why it’s taking you so long to realise that. I really should have said something a long time ago. Or perhaps just stayed out of it totally and let you and Nate, or whoever, progress at a natural space. I can’t help feeling responsible.’

  I looked down into my cup and thought how different life would have been if Nate and I had just got up that Saturday morning and gone into town and booked our holiday. None of this would ever have happened but then I wouldn’t be who I am today and changed so much. The past had to happen for the future to take place and I was only about to find out how much my past was about to help my future.

  ‘You can’t think like that Chloe. Besides you weren’t to know that his would all happen. No one was. And I do have a mind of my own. You make it sound like I made no decisions in all this, at all. I could very easily have sent Brandon packing that night when he arrived at the house warming.’

  ‘I did wonder. Not why you didn’t send him packing but why you said yes, immediately, without talking to him or anything.’

  It was something I was ashamed to admit. ‘I didn’t realise it was Brandon.’

  ‘You what?’ Chloe’s eyes marvelled.

  ‘Well when he came through the door all I saw first were the purple tulips and then the raised box with the engagement ring in it. Nate always gave me purple tulips, it was our thing. I had said yes to Brandon before I realised it was him.’

  ‘And you still went through with it?’

  ‘I did love him; I did want to marry him.’

  ‘Did you want to marry Nate more?’

  I didn’t answer that question.

  Chapter 49 – Plenty of running water.

  I got back to the house, my house and Brandon was gone. I was relieved but a little surprised; not that I wanted him to stay but I had half expected that he would try and stay and fight his corner a little. I think I might even have wanted him to. Not that it would have changed my mind, but not to fight or try at all – it hurt. I walked from room to room. They’d had coffee; the cups were still in the sink, a dark brown lipstick smudge smeared across one. Strange to think I had left Brandon here, with the other woman.

  Other than the cups, the downstairs looked exactly the same. Upstairs his clothes were gone, toiletries too, the picture of us and his mum on our wedding that he kept on his desk and some books from the office. That was it; other than that, the house looked exactly the same. I realised then, he had never properly moved into the house. There was nothing personal of him here. There would be no ‘dividing up the assets’. I looked around and felt like my home was mine again. Thankfully, I had never put his name on the mortgage. The house was still 100% mine.

  With my separation from Brandon official in my head, now that he had moved out and I ‘reclaimed’ the house as my own by scrubbing clean their dirty coffee cups, I decided that I would phone Francine and Dermot. It wasn’t that I felt they had a right to know but I felt I should still tell them. I felt so calm doing this; like it was nothing really major, my marriage ending. Francine was terribly distraught to hear what had happened and asked if I was ok and if I wanted her to come and stay the night. I was going to say no, but realised then, the company was just what I wanted. She arrived laden down with chocolate and ice cream and crisps and movies.

  ‘I’ve never been to a sleep over before, but I think this is the menu, I’ve ordered pizza too, I hope you don’t mind; Dermot hates the stuff and I haven’t had takeaway in years!’

  ‘Come in you mad woman!’

  ‘Are you ok, seriously? You sounded so bright and cheerful on the phone I didn’t know what to make of it.’

  ‘I’m fine, honestly, relieved and don’t worry the baby is fine too – look kicking away as usual.’

  Relief flooded her face, a cynical me would think she was more concerned with the baby but I knew she was genuinely worried for me.

  ‘Oh thank god! I don’t know what I would do if something happened you.’

  ‘Ditto.’ I hugged her tight.

  ‘What happened?’

  ‘I married the wrong man.’ There was nothing more to it. There really wasn’t. Yes I loved Brandon, I did
, I can’t or won’t deny it. But I realised before Francine arrived, that I didn’t love him enough to have married him. I got caught up in my quest for checking boxes. Perfect house, check, perfect husband, check, well husband, check, perfect family… As I rubbed my tummy, I realised that hadn’t quite worked out as expected either. I think I had been looking at life in rather the wrong way. That would have to change. Francine’s eyes widened at my revelations.

  ‘What are you going to do now?’

  ‘I’m not entirely sure. Of course, I’m going to take care of this little one until it’s born.’

  ‘I don’t mean that Faye, your life isn’t all about the baby. What about you?’

  I thought about that. What about me? It’s something I had never really considered… me, just me.

  ‘Honestly Francine, I don’t know. Before I wanted the house, the husband, the baby; all the things I thought I was getting. It’s true; you should be careful what you wish for because you might just get it. Although it mightn’t be the way you wanted it.’

  ‘I can’t believe you’re not upset or distraught or tearing you hair out.’

  ‘I know, it’s strange, I feel at peace though. Almost like something I have been stressing over for months is now gone. Do you think I could have known about it?’

  ‘About what? Brandon having a child?’

  ‘Yea… as in not obviously that, but there was something coming?’

  ‘I don’t know. Were you having problems?’

  ‘Looking back we always seemed to be having problems to be honest. In fact, I don’t know how we lasted at all, let alone got married. It’s clear now we are very different people who wanted very different things.’

  I was going to tell Francine how Brandon was pushing for an abortion before I had made my decision to have the baby for her and Dermot, but that was a pain no mother needed to consider. The more I thought about it, while I chatted about my failed marriage with Francine, I realised how I didn’t really know Brandon either before we got married, or even now. I felt that he was a stranger to me, and even though we were married, I couldn’t morn over a stranger. Could I?

  Before heading to bed Francine posed a few sobering questions:

  1. What was I going to do now?

  2. Was I going to divorce Brandon?

  3. Would I have to sell my house?

  I had absolutely no idea what was going to happen. I went to bed feeling totally out of control; which I hated!

  Chapter 50 Too Late

  The following morning, I knew what I was going to do. I had made my mind up, yes technically I was still married, but I never should have been, well not to Brandon anyways. I was getting a divorce and as soon as possible. I was still pregnant with someone else’s child but in 3 months’ time, I would give birth and while it would be difficult to give this baby to its rightful parents; I would do it. There was absolutely no way in god’s green earth I was selling my home so I would fight for that. But most importantly, I had decided what I wanted and I was sure. I just hoped I wasn’t too late.

  I had discussed it through and through with Francine, she agreed I was right to go for it. I was a bag of nerves the whole way home. I realised about half way there, I had forgotten my mobile which would cause me a few problems but nothing I couldn’t overcome.

  I pulled into my parent’s drive, no sign of their cars, they must be out. I let myself in and called out, no answer from anyone. I didn’t know how they were going to take everything. Perhaps, it was best I kept going while I was on a roll. I really needed some Dutch courage, but obviously in my state I couldn’t. I settled on a cup of tea instead, to steady my nerves. The kitchen was a mess, almost like they had left in the middle of breakfast; most unlike them. I filled the dishwasher and put away the food. I wrote a note in case they got back and I wasn’t here, although I suspect they would realise it was me, not like burglars are in the habit of tidying up breakfast things before they ‘case the joint’.

  I looked out the hall window on my way to the loo; Nate’s car was in his parent’s drive. Looks like I won’t need that phone number or address after all. Shivers of excitement ran down my spine. Walking down the driveway, I recounted the countless times I made this short trip as a teenager. If all went well I would make it countless more times. I took a deep breath and knocked on the door. I heard an ‘I’ll get it’ and someone running to the door. I hadn’t seen either of Nate’s sister’s in a couple of years now. I’d never really gotten on with the aptly named Mimi, the closest to me in age and Jane was just a little too young for me to be friends with. As the door pulled back, I was surprised to see a tall blonde stare blankly back at me.

  ‘Can I help you?’

  ‘Em hi, is Nate here?’

  ‘Babe, someone at the door for you!’

  Oh god no, ‘babe’, I just hadn’t thought… he’d always been there, I just never imagined he would have a girlfriend. But of course he would. I began to feel woozy; this was a really bad idea.

  ‘Faye how are you, do come in.’ Mrs Locke came from around the corner. ‘Faye I see you’ve met Kelly, Nate’s girlfriend.’

  I smiled weakly at her.

  ‘Faye I am so sorry about your Granddad is he ok?’

  ‘Granddad? What do you mean?’

  ‘Oh Faye, didn’t your mum get you?’

  ‘Get me? I don’t understand.’

  ‘Oh Faye, I thought that’s why you were here. Perhaps you better sit down. Kelly, would you get her a glass of water.’

  ‘What’s going on? What’s happened?’

  ‘Faye your grandfather had a heart attack this morning; at breakfast. He was taken away in an ambulance about an hour ago.’

  It all made sense now.

  ‘Oh god…’

  ‘Faye are you ok?’

  ‘No, I think my water just broke!’

  Water rushed between my legs and I bent in two in pain as Nate walked through the door.

  ‘Faye, oh my god.’ He rushed towards me.

  ‘Quick Nate call an ambulance.’

  ‘The baby can’t come, it can’t come, it’s too soon.’ I pleaded.

  ‘Sshh now pet, sshh just take it easy, the ambulance will be here any minute.’

  ‘Francine, I need to call Francine, shit I don’t have my phone. OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH.’ Another rush of pain. ‘Nate call Chloe, she can call her.’

  ‘Sure, what about Brandon?’

  ‘NO! not Brandon.’

  ‘He’ll need to know.’

  ‘No, I’ve left him.’ I panted through the pain.

  ‘You have??’ Nate looked at me in complete shock.

  ‘Nate, there are more important things right now; go and get me some towels, Kelly go and keep a look out for the ambulance. Faye pet, come over here and sit down its dry.’

  About 10 minutes later, my bottom half wrapped in a bath towel, I clambered into the ambulance; my body feeling like it was being ripped apart. Mrs Locke came with me and as we drove away, I could see Nate on the footpath with his girlfriend. I wasn’t going to get my happily ever after, after all. I wanted to cry, not with the pain of the onset of labour, but with the fact that I had realised all too late, that it was Nate I had always loved and always wanted to be with.

  ‘Faye pet, don’t cry it will all be ok. You’re on your way to the hospital now; it’s going to be fine.’

  I felt guilty then, I wasn’t crying because the baby was on the way and I should have been, I was only 27 weeks pregnant, far too soon for it to arrive. No, I was crying because I was on my way over to tell Nate I loved him and wanted to be with him; instead I had left him with his arms around his girlfriend.

  Chapter 51 Loss

  ‘Faye will I try your mother’s mobile, let her know you are on the way to the hospital?’

  I looked back at Nate’s mum through a wall of tears and bit on my lip and nodded. This was all a huge mess. I was a fool to think that Nate would be just waiting around on the off chance that his married, pregn
ant ex might just decide to knock on his door one day and declare her undying love. And now my total stupidity had put the baby at risk. I would never forgive myself if something were to happen this baby.

  ‘Faye, pet, try not to upset yourself too much; take deep breaths that’s it. We’re nearly there.’

  The medic was trying their best but I just had too much emotion to deal with all at once and I couldn’t stop. My marriage, my house, my granddad, Nate and the baby, I was about to lose it all.

  ‘Faye, you really need to calm down, the baby is going into distress. Breathe deeply and relax. You need to relax.’

  I tried, I really did try. But I couldn’t, I couldn’t stop. Tears turned to gulping. It got difficult to breathe and then everything went dark. I had lost consciousness.

  Chapter 52 It’s all over.

  My mind woke first. I remember those first few seconds. My eyes were shut, so it was obviously dark, but I felt dark, or purple, yes that’s it, I felt dark and purple. I remember wondering why my eyes were shut. My body felt weird. Pulled, wozzy… shook up. I made a fist out of my hands. My right hand hurt. I could feel something on top of it. I struggled to open my eyes, it was like they were sealed shut with sleep, except I wasn’t tired, not exactly, I was groggy, very groggy; almost like I had been drugged. My eyes parted and I could make out rough shapes, it was bright. I closed my eyes again. I could hear mumbles.

  ‘Faye. Are you awake Faye?’

  Someone stood over me. I felt a hand on mine. Was that my mother’s perfume? I tried to speak but I couldn’t. Someone else came into the room. Where was I?

  ‘Hello Faye, this is Dr. Adams, can you hear me.’

  Yes, I said with my mind, I can, but I can’t talk. Where am I? Why Can’t I talk? I tried harder. I opened my eyes again. I blinked; it was bright, too bright. I could see my mother in the distance. Josh was leaning forward on a chair.

  ‘Aw there you are. Easy now; it might be difficult to speak for a while. Faye do you know where you are?’