by Bijou Hunter
I don’t know how long his interest will last, but Shane’s casual pride in admitting I’m with him inspires me to stay over tonight. No longer because I’m unable to weasel my way out of it. I’m Shane Campbell’s girlfriend, and I’m sleeping in his bed tonight. Fuck, yeah, I am!
THE ROMANTIC
My big sister might be a pain in the ass, but I’m forever fucking thankful that she danced Ramona into a calmer mood. I wish I had a magic eight ball to explain what my girl needs. Her moods seem to switch on a dime. I shouldn’t be surprised. The first time I saw her, sadness was written all over her face. Then she beamed at the sight of Kelsi. I knew what I was getting into with Ramona, but that doesn’t mean I have an instruction manual to soothe her.
I think to call my dad for advice. He always seems to know how to help Mom find her smile. People with way fewer problems have failed at marriage, but my parents are closing in on their thirtieth anniversary. Dad must know a few tips.
Except tonight isn’t the time to ask. Ramona is on edge. Even after Shelby settles her down, she remains so close to tumbling back into her earlier funk. I keep her focused on me instead.
“These are my dogs,” I say after she calls her friends to bring over her stuff, and I see her losing her good mood. “They’re badass guard dogs capable of taking down a full-sized man.”
Ramona instantly smiles at my bullshit as she kneels down to play with the French bulldogs. They sniff her before coming to the same conclusion that I did weeks ago. Ramona is addictive. They literally knock her on the ground and crawl into her lap.
“I wanted a dog so much when I was little,” Ramona says, grinning at how they fight for her attention. “I actually cried when Kelsi found Hilly on the railroad and brought him home.”
Sitting next to her on the ground, I pet the dogs despite really wanting to pet Ramona. She smiles at me in such a relaxed way that I almost forget how agitated she was only minutes earlier.
“You don’t have to sleep over,” I say despite wanting her to stay every night.
“Hugh’s already bringing my stuff.”
Ramona thinks I’m weaseling out on paying. I’m more worried that the money’s the only reason she agreed to stay.
“If you change your mind, I’ll drive you home,” I say as softly as I can to hide how much I really, really, REALLY don’t want her to leave.
“I never slept over with Matt.”
“Fuck him.”
Her sudden submissive gaze tells me that my response was wrong. “I meant that you’d be the first guy I’ve shared a bed with. That’s why I’m nervous.”
“Oh, then poor, stupid Matt. The fucker will never know what he’s missing.”
Ramona’s smile says I’m back on her good side. She holds my gaze while I stroke the palm of her hand with my thumb.
“Have you had any girls sleep over before?”
“Never. You’re my first, baby,” I say and give her a wink.
“Then why were you giving River shit over not having girls stay over?”
“I’m his VP, Ramona. It’s in my job description to keep him sharp through constant harassment and criticism.”
“I didn’t know that. Fuse’s VP just kissed his ass.”
“Well, I do that too, but I like to mix it up. That way, he doesn’t know what to expect. My erratic behavior keeps him sharp.”
“And all this time, I thought the VP’s job was to stand around, waiting for the president to die or to act as a vote tie-breaker. I had no idea your job was so integral to the organization.”
Her teasing makes my dick rock hard. I swear her eyes absolutely glow when she’s relaxed.
“I’m the guy who keeps the top guy from getting addicted to his fart’s stink.”
“I can fucking hear you!” River calls out from the porch.
“Ignore him,” I tell a grinning Ramona. “He’s jealous because I’m the one with a hot girlfriend, and he’s terribly lonely.”
“Why can’t he get a girlfriend?” she asks. “Hell, why didn’t you have one already?”
“I was waiting for you. He’s just a lame fuck with a reputation for jizzing a minute into sex.”
River stands up, ready to give me shit. I ignore him and enjoy the feel of Ramona’s hand in mine. I run my fingers over her palm up to her bracelet-covered wrists. Several marks on her skin catch my eye just before she pulls her hands away to check her vibrating phone.
“Hugh’s here,” she says, losing her relaxed demeanor. “Wait, is a hundred too much? Should I pay it instead?”
I don’t need to see Ramona’s checking account to know that she doesn’t have a hundred to blow on an errand. She’s doing that thing again, where she gives up her stuff to make sure everyone’s happy.
“He’s doing me a favor. I’m paying,” I say, standing up and gesturing for the dogs to leave their spot against her lap.
Ramona takes my hand, and I help her to her feet. With her looking way too fucking nervous to be normal, I start wondering about Hugh. Is he controlling with Ramona? Should I be concerned that he’ll interfere with our relationship? Is kicking his ass even an option?
Out front, he stands next to his piece-of-shit Toyota. Inside, Kelsi and Max goof around in the back seat. They all get very still when Ramona hurries toward the car. I don’t know if I should join them or hold back. Ramona leans in the back window while Hugh returns to the driver’s seat. The four of them share a quick, heated conversation. I’m just about to storm over and force my way into the situation when Ramona turns around and looks at me in a panicked way. I’m certain she’s changed her mind.
“Here’s your cash,” I tell Hugh as I walk over to where the four of them watch me. “Is there a problem?”
“Why are you asking me?” Hugh mutters.
“You look agitated.”
“Kelsi doesn’t sleep well when Ramona isn’t around. She just got back to normal after the Cleveland thing. Now we’re worried she’ll be up all night.”
Okay, I’m not fucking stupid. They’re clearly talking in code. Ramona looks at her friends and then at me. She’s struggling to decide. A minute passes, and she looks ready to shut down.
“You can stay over another night,” I offer when I realize I’m causing this woman—my woman—tremendous stress by pushing for something she’s not ready for.
Ramona smiles and looks at her friends. They share a silent mini-conversation, and then she takes her bag from them.
“I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Despite her taking her bag, I still think she’s talking to me at first. I almost tell her good night, but then she reaches for my hand, and I see her panic is over.
“If Kelsi gets freaked,” Hugh tells Ramona, “she’ll call you.”
The girls in the back seat nod, and Ramona’s smile grows. She’s gotten her reassurance. Now she’s taking the leap with me. I’m getting what I want. Except rather than triumphant, I’m suddenly bitch-level terrified that I’ll fuck up everything by rushing into something I’m not ready for.
Just like when I was a kid, I’m about to learn the hard way that I shouldn’t always get what I want.
THE CHAPTER WHERE THEY GET BUSY IN THE DARK
THE LEGACY
The ghost house isn’t nearly as creepy as I expected. There are a bunch of cool little features that make the house feel too fancy—the tower in the front room complete with one of those turrets, lots of random, single shelves in various walls, and stained-glass windows in the design of small children picking flowers. Compared to the grandness of the house’s design, the furnishings feel comfortable. There are so many couches and chairs to choose from in their TV room. I move around a few times, acting out a bizarro version of the chair game while “Jerry Was A Racecar Driver” plays on my phone.
At first, Shane looks at me as if I’m crazy. Then he embraces his younger self—as compared to his buff biker side—and decides to seat hop with me. We finally end up on a loveseat.
“This hous
e doesn’t feel haunted,” I tell him. “It smells good too. Like your cologne and Shelby’s watermelon scent mixed together. Oh, and meat. It’s like a home here.”
I know I’m babbling, but I feel unburdened since I saw the Band. They were worried about me. Hugh didn’t think I should stay over. Kelsi suggested I get Shane to sleep at our place. But Max said something that eased my fears.
“If things turn to shit, we’ll help you feel better.”
Sometimes, I get so afraid of feeling low that I can’t think of anything else. That depression drags me into a painful darkness, where I can’t breathe. Once I fall down into that pit, I don’t know how to dig my way out. That’s why I avoid things that might put my mood at risk.
But if Shane and I have a horrible time together, the Band will be there to pick me up no matter how low I feel. This allows me to dive right in with this hot, tatted biker, who both enchants and terrifies me.
“You’re so beautiful when you smile,” he says, sounding rather enchanted by me too.
“You’re so beautiful period,” I say and then laugh at how stupid I sound.
Giving in to my inner dummy, I climb out of the chair and bounce to the music like I would at home. Shane claims he wants me despite my flaws, but he really has no clue how fucked-up and stupid I am. He just likes the way I look and feel. The nitty-gritty of my inner bullshit isn’t on his radar.
I sense Shane doesn’t really enjoy Primus, so I change the music to T-Rex, which should better suit his old-fashioned rock tastes. Dancing around, I dodge the many couches and Hansel, who decides he wants in on the party.
Every time I catch Shane’s gaze, I wonder what he’s thinking. I also find myself wondering about his parents. He clearly has an idealized view of fucked-up chicks because his mommy’s one. I’m admittedly not the right person to analyze his mommy/daddy issues. Shane views his parents as examples of what to be while I view mine as what to avoid becoming.
That’s why every time I notice Shane’s tats, I struggle not to think of Fuse’s. The men look nothing alike, but they’re similar in too many ways. Dangerous criminals in tune with their violent lifestyles. No one can deny them. The only difference is that I knew Fuse when he was past his prime, having lost any empathy he might have once possessed. I couldn’t see him the way my mom did. She fell in love with a young man who still wasted time bullshitting women. The Fuse I knew rarely charmed anyone. He didn’t need to anymore. He had money, power, and a violent club backing his every move.
I try not to imagine Shane turning into Fuse one day. No, that future is far too scary to consider. With the best-case scenario, Shane falls deeply in love with me, makes me his old lady, and then fucks everyone in Shasta while I raise our kids. In the worst-case scenario, he falls deeply in love with someone else. When she can’t stand having his former fucks living in the town where she raises their kids, he dumps my body in a ditch.
There is no happy ending for a woman who loves a guy like Shane or Fuse. This man watching me dance is younger and far more handsome than the man who provided the jizz to create me. Shane isn’t Fuse yet, but he’s a powerful biker in a town that effortlessly, without a second thought, bows to his will. Nothing I want really matters, but I’ll enjoy what I can. It’s all I’ve ever done.
“I used to think that maybe my mom only got pregnant to keep Fuse’s old lady from killing her,” I say, feeling way too honest this evening.
As the sun lowers, I switch the song to the one Shane asked for that first day. I feel my mood darkening as the day does, but the music helps me focus.
“This house is a little creepier now,” I admit while Shane watches me.
“Did you feel loved by your mom?” he asks in a weird, rough voice.
I’m struck by the distinct fear that the wrong answer might lead to my mom’s demise. Shane’s nickname seemed more like a joke when he first said it. Sure, I knew logically how he probably killed people. Just like I knew he most certainly had some hand in Fuse’s death.
Knowing something and feeling it are two different things. Right now, as Shane sits in the shadowed room and his dark eyes hint at malice, I can imagine him killing my mom to make a point. Or me one day to make his old lady happy. The only reason I don’t run screaming out of the house is that I kinda like the thought of him wearing that same look on his face when he ended Fuse.
“My mom has a piece missing inside her,” I say, making little sense. “Like a hole in her heart. My grandparents were junkies. He beat her, and she beat my mom. Velma didn’t know the right way to love. She grew up never feeling it. When she saw Fuse, something happened inside her. Like all the crazy need that she had stored up in her life fixated on him. Fuse was her reason to keep living. His attention made her feel alive when the rest of the world made her wish she was dead.” I stop talking and hold Shane’s gaze. “How could I compete with that?”
“How could she look at your face and know you depended on her to survive and then just not care?”
“I look like her,” I mumble as the song switches to Black Sabbath’s “Paranoid.” “When she saw me, Velma saw the person no one loved until Fuse. She really believed he loved her more than his old lady. She believed every lie he told her. The alternative was to believe that no one ever loved her except the kid that had no choice.”
Despite feeling uneasy sharing so much, I can’t stop talking. “Because I didn’t have a choice. Even as a kid, I wanted to cut her loose. She made me feel bad, and I learned early on that feeling bad was the worst thing. I avoided pain at all costs. I started smoking weed and drinking before I was out of elementary school. I needed to numb the bad stuff, but she still hurt me. I wished I could stop caring about my mom. I loved her for the same reason she loved her parents. We have no choice. Loving Fuse was a choice, though, and him loving her was a choice too. That’s why she needed it.”
“Your life feels alien to me,” he says in a voice detached from the menacing expression on his face. “I was a happy kid. I never felt unloved. When I threw a fit and got in trouble, I never worried my parents would stop loving me. I never went hungry or struggled. When I got older, and the outside world touched me, I always knew my family would help me if I fucked up. If I got in too deep, they’d save me. If I got locked away, they’d never turn their backs on me. That safety is all I’ve known. When I think of your mom looking at you and not feeling what my mom felt for me, I assume she’s a monster. How could she not fucking adore you?”
The way he says those last words messes with my heart a little. I’m safe when I stay in my lane or don’t push myself.
Shane shows me how I look from the outside, and I don’t like the view. My life doesn’t suck if I never think about it too hard. I have a fun job. I get to live with my best friends. I finally got a dog. I feel okay most days.
But Shane looks at my life and wonders why my mom sucks, or Fuse didn’t give a shit, or my dog won’t protect me. He sees all these flaws, which makes me see them. Shane is handsome and sexy, and he makes me feel good, but he also makes me feel like trash.
“Why are you dating me?” I ask, standing still now while Hansel sits against my left foot.
Shane doesn’t turn on a light. The room is too dark to see well, but he remains very still for a long minute.
“I always felt safe with my mom. She seemed more beautiful than any other woman. I liked who I was with her. But she’s my mom, and I didn’t believe I could feel that way with any other woman. Then I saw you, and I got that same feeling. You don’t look or sound like her. You aren’t a carbon copy of my mommy, but you make me feel that same kind of safe that I feel with her. I crave that feeling. I can’t explain it any other way.”
“So, it’s not really about me?”
“No, it is. I don’t know why certain people work. I don’t know why my father had to have my mother and not a hundred different women. Mom has a long list of issues, and she can’t be fixed, but my father doesn’t want those other women. He just wants her. That
’s how I feel about you. It’s why I didn’t care if you were Fuse’s daughter or if it would make your mom miserable. It’s why I don’t care if you listen to music I like or if we share the same hobbies. None of that matters. I have friends who like what I like. I can fuck other chicks who are hot. None of them make me feel the way you do, and you do it just by being you.”
“I don’t get it,” I admit, feeling very small and lost in this dark, creepy house with a stranger I’m falling for.
“I know. It seems like I’m obsessed with the look of you. That’s what River thinks anyway. Like I have an image in my head, and that’s what I fell for, but it’s the feeling I got when I saw you. The expression on your face, the way you moved, it awoke something in me. I loved the way I felt, and I had to feed that need. I can’t let you go, even if this fucking town thinks we’re a mistake. I don’t care. I want you because you make that part of me hum just right.”
Frowning, I really don’t get what he means. Shane pats his loveseat. I immediately join him, even if it means I have to deprive Hansel of my foot-bed. Shane takes my hand in his and strokes my palm with his thumb.
“Why me and not River?” he asks. “If he had shown up that day and asked you to play a song for him, would you be with him now?”
“I don’t know.”
“Guys come on to you, Ramona. Did you feel any different about me than you did about any of them?”
“I don’t analyze how I feel. I mean, I was really upset when I thought you were tricking me that first day. I don’t usually care when men treat me like shit. I kinda expect it, but you hurt my feelings that day. I really wanted you to be someone special.”
“Because I’m hot?”
“Well, you are,” I say, shrugging awkwardly.
“Yeah, but a lot of guys are hot.”
“Not like you’re hot.”
Shane smiles. “Well, I can’t pretend I’m not in the one percent of men in this town.”
“And in Cleveland too. I never saw anyone half as sexy as you, and that’s a pretty big city,” I say and then add, “I’m not really attracted to men with blond hair. That’s why I don’t think I would have been that into River, even if he showed up that first day. Like he’s hot, but not hot enough to get my hopes up for.”