Through the Tears (Sandy Cove Series Book 2)

by Rosemary Hines

  She bit her lip and nodded, afraid she’d cry if she said another word.

  “Are you still there?”

  “Mm hmm,” Michelle managed to reply.

  “Let me pray for you guys.”

  “Okay. Thanks.”

  Kristin prayed for God’s will for Michelle and Steve, for His perfect peace, and for wisdom for the doctor.

  “Amen,” Michelle echoed as she felt the burden of worry begin to lift from her heart. “Thanks, Kristin.”

  “Anytime, `Shell. Call Steve. And call me this weekend to let me know how it goes on Friday.”

  “I will,” Michelle promised.

  Steve and Michelle sat holding hands as Dr. Foster went over the test results with them. “It appears Steve has a very low sperm count as well as slow motility and slightly abnormal morphology,” she explained looking down at the report and back up at them. “This means the reduced number of sperm are not only ‘slow swimmers’, but have some variations in shape which may limit the sperm’s ability to penetrate and fertilize the egg.”

  Steve felt like he’d been slugged in the gut.

  “What are the chances of us conceiving?” Michelle asked tentatively.

  “Because of the multiple factors involved here, it is unlikely you will conceive without assistance. This doesn’t mean you won’t have a baby, Michelle. It just may require more medical intervention than you had planned on.”

  “Like what?”

  “Like artificial insemination. In your case, I would recommend a combination of your husband’s sperm and a donor’s sperm to increase the likelihood of success.”

  “A donor’s sperm?” Steve seemed concerned about that idea.

  “Yes. We have anonymous donors, often from local colleges. We would select a donor who had similar characteristics to yours. That way the baby is likely to have a family resemblance regardless of whether the father’s sperm or the donor’s sperm actually fertilizes the egg. By using your sperm along with the donors, it would keep the possibility open that you could be the biological father.”

  “So we wouldn’t know who the real father was?” Michelle asked.

  “If you mean the biological father, that’s correct. You would not know. However, with the advances in DNA testing, it would be easy and relatively inexpensive to find out whether or not it was Steve. But that shouldn’t be the goal here.” Dr. Foster reached over and picked up a photo of her with two children on her lap. “These are my kids. They are both donor sperm babies. But their real father is my husband, not the donor.”

  Steve tried to absorb this information, but all he could think of was getting out of this office and sorting through this thing with Michelle. How badly did she really want this baby? Maybe it wasn’t God’s will for them, at least not right now.

  The doctor kept talking. She explained in-vitro fertilization and handed Michelle brochures describing both procedures in detail. “In-vitro is a very expensive process and there are no guarantees. I really think your best bet would be the insemination.”

  “We’ll read through it over the weekend. Thanks, Dr. Foster,” Michelle said quietly as the three of them stood up.

  Michelle knew Steve was in no mood to discuss the doctor’s findings on their way home. He kept his eyes firmly on the road and drove in silence while the radio droned on about the weather and traffic reports. As soon as they arrived, he grabbed his briefcase out of the back seat of the car and headed to his desk in the family room.

  Michelle called home to talk to her mom and get the day’s report. Then she wandered upstairs. She discovered Max curled up on the rocking chair in the baby’s room. Picking him up gently, she sat down in the warm seat cushion and began to rock. She thought about all the doctor had said, as tears slid silently down her cheeks and landed on the kitten’s soft fur.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

  “Talk to me,” Michelle said as they sat down to eat their breakfast the next morning.

  “What do you want me to say? That I’m sorry?”

  “Don’t be ridiculous, Steve. This isn’t your fault.”

  “Oh really? Then whose fault is it?”

  “It’s nobody’s fault. It’s just the way things are.”

  “Listen, Michelle, I know you really want to have a baby, but we weren’t even planning on doing that right now until what happened with your dad.”

  “So what are you saying? That you don’t want to try anymore?” Her eyes were swimming.

  “I’m just saying, maybe this isn’t the time. Maybe God has a different plan.”

  “Like what? Like us never having a baby?”

  “Maybe. Or maybe He wants us to adopt a kid or something.”

  “Steve, you said it’s practically impossible to just go and adopt a baby. And it’s expensive.” Michelle could feel her heart twisting into knots along with her stomach.

  “Why does it have to be a baby? You should see some of the pictures of kids in the orphanages of Ukraine that Ben showed me the other day. He and Kelly went there on a short-term mission trip a couple of summers ago, and he was telling me there are tons of abandoned kids living in those orphanages.”

  “I really want a baby, Steve. I want to start out at the very beginning.”

  “Well, maybe there are babies in those orphanages, too,” he suggested.

  “It wouldn’t be the same.”

  “The same as what?”

  “The same as having a baby of my own. I want to be pregnant like Kelly and feel a baby moving inside me. I want to buy maternity clothes and go to childbirth classes and be able to nurse my own newborn.”

  “I know you do, babe. But let’s just make sure we’re open to whatever God might have for us.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean? That I don’t pray enough or don’t care what God wants?”

  Steve stood up and started to carry his empty plate to the sink. “I just think we should slow down a little with this.”

  “Whatever,” she replied after he had left the room. She trudged over to the sink to rinse the dishes. Helping herself to another cup of coffee, she sat down with her Bible, and flipped it to the page she had marked.

  “Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.” Okay, Lord. You know the desires of my heart. She sipped on her coffee while she reread the verse over and over. I really want to do this, she thought as she picked up the brochure for the artificial insemination.

  That night, Michelle prepared Steve’s favorite dinner. She wanted everything to be perfect. Her stomach was coiled in a knot when he came in the door after work.

  “Hi, handsome,” she said nervously, wrapping her arms around him and searching his eyes to read his mood.

  Steve smiled a sad, tired smile and gave her a kiss. “Something smells good,” he commented, tipping his head in gesture toward the stove. He released her from their embrace and went to stir the simmering pot of homemade spaghetti sauce.

  “It’ll be ready in a few minutes. Why don’t you sit down by the fire and relax with Max while I finish up in here.”

  “I guess we’re getting kicked out of the kitchen, pal,” Steve said as he scooped Max into his arms and went to the family room. Michelle could hear him turn on the news and pictured him sitting by the fire rubbing Max’s belly while the cat happily purred.

  This is it. Oh, God. Please help Steve listen. She carried the plates, heaped with spaghetti and garlic bread, into the family room.

  “Thanks, babe,” Steve said, perking up when his plate was placed on the coffee table before him. He said a quick prayer and turned his attention back to the television as the sportscaster described the latest basketball games of the NBA.

  “Could we maybe turn that off?” she asked.

  “Just a sec. Let me see the score.” A moment later, Steve flipped off the TV.

  They sat in silence, eating their dinner. “This is really good,” he said with a smile. “Thanks.” He tipped his head to look into her eyes. “So how was
your day?”

  Michelle glanced away. “Fine. How about yours?”

  “Busy. As usual.”

  Silence.

  “Steve?”

  “Yeah?”

  Michelle put her fork down and turned toward him. “Can we talk?”

  “I thought that was what we were doing.”

  “About what Dr. Foster said.”

  “Oh. That again,” he replied, turning his attention back to his food.

  She could feel her heart starting to ache in her chest. It was clear from her husband’s tone of voice that he really didn’t want to talk about it.

  “Go ahead.” He looked back at her with a guarded expression. “Say whatever you want to say.”

  “I really want to do this thing, honey. I don’t want to wait or think about adoption. Can’t you just accept that this may be the only way we can have a baby?”

  “What? To have some other man’s kid?”

  “It wouldn’t be another man’s kid. It would be our baby.”

  He shook his head and frowned.

  “You’re not being logical. Why would it be okay to adopt a kid, but not do the insemination? At least with this, we would know I’m the biological mother, and it would be possible you could be the biological father. Doesn’t that make more sense to you than just finding some kid in Ukraine and bringing him here?”

  He sat silently staring at the fire. When he looked back up at her, both their eyes were filling with tears. “I love you, Michelle. I know this means a lot to you.”

  She nodded, a lone tear seeping out of the corner of one eye, slipping down her cheek. “For some reason, it seems like now is the time I’m supposed to have a baby. I can’t really explain it to you. It’s just something I feel in my heart.”

  Sighing, he pulled her into his chest holding her close. “I’ll tell you what. Let’s look into the adoption thing and if it doesn’t work out, we’ll try insemination.”

  “I want a baby, Steve. Not an older child.”

  “I know. Let me just see what I can find out about private adoption. Maybe we can try both options and trust God to bring us a baby in His time and way.”

  She nodded. “Okay.”

  Steve could not get to sleep. He kept thinking about their appointment with Dr. Foster and the insemination process. While he wanted to make his wife happy, he still didn’t feel right about all this. Something about the donor thing didn’t seem like a good idea. What if the guy had some serious health problem their kid would inherit? Or what if he decided he wanted to have some kind of right to see the kid or play a part in its life? He punched his pillow and tried to settle into a different position hoping he could fall asleep.

  After fifteen minutes of staring at the clock, he got up and went downstairs. Pulling a legal pad out of his briefcase, he started making a list of pros and cons for the insemination. At the bottom of the page, he wrote some questions for Dr. Foster. Tearing that piece from the list, he left the questions on the kitchen table. He’d have Michelle ask Dr. Foster about his concerns.

  Satisfied he’d be able to sleep, he headed upstairs, climbing into bed beside Michelle. She stirred slightly. He moved close to her, draped his arm over her body and drifted off.

  “What’s this?” Michelle asked the next morning as she was buttering Steve’s toast. She held up the paper by the phone with the questions on it.

  “Those are some questions I want you to ask Dr. Foster.”

  “Oh. Okay. When did you write these?” she asked.

  “Last night. I couldn’t sleep.”

  “But you’re okay with everything, right? We’re still going to go ahead with this.”

  He took the plate of toast from her and kissed her cheek. “Just get the answers to those questions for me, alright?”

  “Alright.” Michelle studied his face for signs of a change of mind. He looked fine. Calm and confident – so handsome in his slacks, shirt and tie.

  “I might have to work late tonight,” he said as he quickly polished off his breakfast. Picking up his briefcase, he leaned over and kissed her good-bye.

  Michelle adjusted his tie slightly. “Have a great day. I’ll call you after I talk to the doctor.”

  “Okay, babe. Love you,” he added as he left for work.

  “Love you, too,” Michelle added quickly, before the door could cut off her words.

  She felt excited and energized as she bolted up the stairs to get ready for her day. I just know this is going to work. She’d call the clinic as soon as they opened at 9:00, then she’d call Kristin.

  She wanted to look through the catalog and start selecting her next purchases for the nursery. After pouring over the pictures of cribs and dressers and folding down the corners of pages she wanted to show Steve, she checked the time: 9:05. She could call now.

  Picking up the brochure about artificial insemination from the table, she dialed the number stamped on the back. Then she remembered Steve’s questions, and retrieved them from the kitchen.

  Max seemed to sense her excitement and started to follow her every move.

  “Sandy Cove Fertility Clinic,” the receptionist’s voice said in a cheerful tone.

  “Hi. My name is Michelle Baron. My husband and I were in to see Dr. Foster.”

  “Oh hi, Michelle. I remember you.”

  “My husband had a few questions he wanted me to ask Dr. Foster, and then I think we want to go ahead with what we discussed with her at our appointment.”

  “You’re in luck. Dr. Foster is right here. Her first patient is due in ten minutes.” Michelle could hear the transfer of the phone from the receptionist to the doctor.

  “Hello?” the doctor’s voice sounded brisk, professional.

  “Hi, Dr. Foster. This is Michelle Baron. My husband, Steve and I were in to see you this week.”

  “I remember. Have you had time to discuss what we talked about?”

  “Yes. I think we’re going to go ahead with the artificial insemination the way you recommended.”

  “With the donor addition,” the doctor stated for clarification.

  “Yeah.”

  “Okay. We can get that rolling right away. I’ll put you back on with the receptionist, and she can get you the next available appointment. Are you still on the Clomid?”

  “Yes. I’m on my second pill for this month.”

  “Good. That’ll give us a little time to pull everything together.”

  “Dr. Foster?”

  “Yes?”

  “Steve had a couple of questions he wanted me to ask you.”

  “Fire away.”

  “He wanted to know if it might be possible the donor could have some kind of health issue that could be passed on to our baby.”

  “That’s a valid question. Actually, Michelle, we are very thorough about screening our donors. We only accept healthy individuals with no known family history of hereditary diseases or conditions.”

  “I figured that was probably the case,” she replied, her excitement mounting.

  “Anything else?”

  “Yeah, but I don’t know if you can answer this one. He was wondering if the donor ever tries to contact the child or become involved in his or her life.”

  “Tell your husband we maintain strict confidentiality in all these matters. Our rules are written to protect the recipient couple from any kind of invasion by the donor. There is no way your donor will ever be able to find out who you are or whether or not he has fathered a child.”

  “Okay. Thanks, doctor.”

  “You’re welcome, Michelle. I know this is a big decision, but I believe you are making the right one. I have never once regretted my two inseminations and the wonderful kids that were products of those choices.”

  Her reassurances drifted through the phone and calmed Michelle’s racing heart. “I really appreciate you sharing that personal part of your life with us.”

  “That’s why I’m in this field, Michelle. I know how it feels to want a baby and not get p
regnant the usual way. Trust me. You won’t regret this.”

  “Okay. I believe you.”

  “Well, I’m off to see my first patient. Here’s Andrea. She can set up an appointment for you.”

  She could hear Dr. Foster instructing the receptionist to book an appointment within the next few days. Her heart was thumping loudly when Andrea came back on the line and gave them an appointment for that Friday.

  After hanging up, Michelle picked up Max, stroking his soft fur. “Okay,” she said aloud, gently placing him back at her feet, “I’ve got to call Steve.” She dialed his office, but the secretary told her he was in court and would be back around 3:30.

  Somewhat disappointed, she decided to call Kristin. Kristin picked up after the third ring. “You sound out of breath,” Michelle said.

  “`Shell? Oh, I’m glad I answered this. I was just about to run out on some errands.”

  “I can call back.” She tried not to sound disappointed.

  “It’s okay. I can talk for a few minutes. How’s everything?”

  Launching right in, she explained about their appointment with Dr. Foster.

  “How’s Steve handling all this?”

  “He’s doing okay. Neither of us expected there to be any problem with him. It kind of threw us both for a loop.”

  “So what do you do now?” Kristin asked.

  “Steve’s going to look into private adoption as a back-up option, but I’m hoping I can convince him to go for the artificial insemination. The doctor will mix donor sperm with Steve’s. That way the baby might end up being his biological child anyway.”

  “Sounds like a big decision.”

  “Yeah. But whenever I pray about it, I feel like God is telling me to try every door. I guess that’s another good reason to look into the adoption thing. But I told Steve I really don’t want to adopt an older kid. If we can get a baby, that would be fine.” She could detect defensiveness in her own tone of voice. She silently chided herself for feeling that way.

  After a short pause, Kristin replied, “God will guide you guys, `Shell. The adoption idea sounds like it could be a good one too. I know you’ve really felt a burden for unwanted babies ever since you spent time at the crisis pregnancy center.”