He closed with another Old Testament verse: Jeremiah 29:11. “We are not surrendering to a God who doesn’t care about us. Quite to the contrary, we read here that He already knows the plans He has for us, and they are plans for good, not evil. Plans to give us hope and a future.”
Hope. She felt her heart racing as the concept of surrender began to take root. It was as if God was directly talking to her through Ben, and she knew she had an important decision to make.
That night after Steve was asleep, she crept out of bed and into Caleb’s nursery. Turning on the little Noah’s ark lamp, she sat down in the rocking chair. As she rocked, she poured her heart out to God. She let him into the most tender places, as she grieved for the loss of a baby she would never know; a baby who would never sleep in the nursery prepared so lovingly just for him; a baby who would never hear her whisper his name as she rocked him to sleep.
Then she prayed for little Caleb, asking God to watch over him, to help his mom take good care of him, and to draw him close to Jesus. She prayed he would grow up to be a strong and wise man, and God would give him a wonderful purpose for his life. Her tears mingled with her prayers, but now these were tears of surrender, not frustration and grief.
Finally, she laid her life out to God. Help me to trust you, Lord. Help me to surrender everything to you. Show me what you desire for my life, and give me the strength to accept whatever that may be.
A feeling of complete peace engulfed Michelle. She sat rocking, and allowed the sweet love of her heavenly Father to wash over her in waves, cleansing the wounds and healing her broken heart. I’m all yours, God. If the life you’ve planned for me doesn’t include having a baby, then help me know where to go from here.
A few days later, Steve came home with a dozen roses, surprising her with a dinner date at the Cliffhanger. As they dined by candlelight, Steve broached a subject that had been shelved for quite a while. “I’m ready to try the insemination procedure,” he said.
She looked at him. Hope for a baby, a thing that had died with the loss of Caleb, tried to push it’s way through the sealed soil of her heart. She’d made her peace with God and hesitated to let it break the surface, but a familiar voice in her mind allowed it to peek through.
Try every door, Michelle.
Was God telling her something? Something she’d ignored ever since the idea of adoption had become an active pursuit?
“Are you sure, Steve?” She asked as she studied his face.
“I’ve given this a lot of thought, Michelle. It was definitely not something on my radar when I first considered becoming a parent. But Ben’s message about surrender really made me think. After all we’ve been through – the waiting, the attempt to adopt, watching you grieve over Caleb — I believe we should try every door.”
Try every door. Michelle’s heart sang as she again surrendered, this time to tears of joy. She wrapped her arms around him and whispered, “I love you, babe.”
It was time. Time to try every door.
Later that month
It was a dreary day at the beach. Michelle huddled in her beach chair with a blanket tightly wrapped around her. Lord, please let this work.
She watched the gulls circle overhead and listened to their mournful cries. Her heart was as turbulent as the sea. She was relieved the insemination was over, but her emotions vacillated between a nervous excitement over the possibility of conceiving and unexpected feelings of frustration and loneliness.
Although it was his idea to go through with it, Steve had seemed somewhat withdrawn, since their decision to try the insemination. He worked late almost every day, often coming home after she had drifted off to sleep. He still hugged and kissed her goodbye in the mornings and told her he loved her, but it seemed mechanical and routine, rather than heartfelt or passionate. Clearly, surrendering to this was more difficult for him than he had anticipated.
Michelle stared out over the crashing waves, thinking back to the last encounter she had with Trevor at this very spot. He had always made her feel so special. But she’d cut off their friendship for the sake of her marriage. Now Steve was miles away in his own struggles and fears.
As she felt her loneliness begin to engulf her, she cried out to God. Help me, Lord. Give me the strength to weather this.
A still small voice spoke to her spirit. I will never leave you nor forsake you.
Replaying the words in her mind, she felt almost as if Jesus’ arms were wrapped around her holding her close. She closed her eyes and soaked in the feeling – a feeling of being special, like Trevor had made her feel, and yet very different — a sense of deep inner peace, unlike the nervousness that accompanied all her encounters with him.
She sat there for a long time, praying for Steve, for their marriage, and for God’s will regarding a baby. As she stood to leave, she breathed a final silent prayer. Thank you, Lord. I love you.
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
Dr. Foster sat down at her desk and grinned at Michelle. “Well, Mrs. Baron, it looks like you’re going to have a baby.”
Michelle could feel goose bumps on her arms. “Are you sure?”
“Positive. A December baby.”
“I can’t believe it worked the first time,” Michelle said smiling and shaking her head in amazement.
“You lucked out. Must be in the stars for you.”
“I’ve been praying so hard for this to work,” Michelle replied.
“Well, I’m really glad for you. Now we just need to go over your schedule of OB appointments. We should be able to get a heartbeat on the ultrasound at the next appointment. Why don’t you bring your husband along? It usually blows their minds to see a baby’s heartbeat so early.”
“I’ll try,” Michelle replied, her smile fading somewhat.
“Give him time, Michelle. He’ll come around. It’s a huge blow to most men’s egos to discover they are infertile. At least he was willing to go along with the insemination. He’ll work through the rest.”
Michelle nodded, silently hoping she was right.
“Anybody home?” Steve called out as he entered the house that evening.
No answer.
“Hello?” he called again as he walked toward the stairs.
“Hello,” Michelle called back from the baby’s room. “Be right down.”
I wish she wouldn’t spend so much time in that room. What if this whole insemination thing doesn’t pan out? He went to the kitchen and picked up the mail. As he was opening the first bill, Michelle came in grinning from ear to ear.
“I went to see Dr. Foster today.”
“Really? For what?”
“To find out if I’m pregnant.”
“So soon? I thought it took awhile before you could find out.”
“I guess you weren’t listening at our last appointment,” she said tentatively.
“Sorry, babe. I’ve had a lot on my mind. So tell me what she said.”
“A December baby!” She looked so excited.
He tried to respond positively, hugging her with as much enthusiasm as he could muster. Then he pulled back and looked into her eyes. “I’m really happy for you, honey.”
“For me? What about for us?” she asked, her voice taking on an edge.
“I mean us.” Can’t she see I’m doing the best I can here? “I just know this has been such a big thing for you.”
Michelle’s smile dissolved. “Yeah.” She turned away to avoid his eyes.
Steve sighed. He didn’t have any other words to offer her. He ached for his relationship with his wife, which seemed to be going downhill fast. And he ached for the son or daughter that might very well be fathered by another man. His wife and another man creating a baby. He wanted her to be happy, but it was hard for him to be excited about this.
Michelle busied herself with cooking dinner, and Steve went to turn on the news, sinking lifelessly into the couch. He tipped his head back and closed his eyes, massaging his scalp with both hands as if to free himself from the t
orment in his mind.
They ate dinner in front of the television, and soon afterward Michelle said she was tired and was going to bed. As she went upstairs, he punched the off button on the remote control and pulled a file out of his briefcase. Work would help him get his mind off the uneasiness he couldn’t seem to shake.
Michelle took her Bible from the nightstand, needing God’s presence in her loneliness. Words were mingled with tears as she once again poured her heart into His strong and loving hands.
I will give you peace, a still small voice promised.
Michelle nodded and took a tissue to wipe her eyes and blow her nose. Everything was quiet downstairs. She listened for Steve’s footsteps coming up to their room, but all she heard was silence.
She placed her hand on her abdomen. A little baby is starting to grow inside of me. Thank you, Lord, for giving me this chance to be a mom. Help me be a good mom, no matter how Steve reacts to all this.
As she finished praying, Max jumped up on the bed, startling her. “Come here, little guy,” she said, taking him in her arms. “Guess what, Max? I’m going to have a baby.”
Max just purred, then wiggled from her arms and jumped into the rocking chair to curl up for the night.
When Michelle woke up the next morning, Steve’s side of the bed was still untouched. The alarm clock said 5:47, so she knew he hadn’t left for work yet. Wrapping a robe around herself and stepping into her slippers, she headed downstairs. As she entered the family room, she could see Steve asleep in the recliner with a file from work on his lap.
She quietly walked over and turned off the lamp beside the chair.
Steve shifted and made a sound, and she reached out and took his hand. “Steve?” she said in a voice just above a whisper.
“Hmm?” he replied, as he wrestled to sit up and open his eyes.
“You fell asleep down here last night. It’s almost 6:00 AM. Do you want me to start a shower for you?”
He raked his fingers through his hair and stared at her. “Sorry, babe. Guess I lost track of time.”
“It’s okay. Here, let me help you.” Taking the file off his lap, she helped him out of the recliner.
“I’m alright.” He got his bearings and pulled away from her.
“Do you want me to get the water running?”
“I can do it. Just throw some bread in the toaster for me in a few minutes, if you don’t mind.”
If I don’t mind? What’s that about? I fix him breakfast every morning. She just nodded in reply and watched him stagger up the stairs.
Within a half hour, he was eating his toast and heading out the door.
“Will you be home for dinner tonight?” Michelle asked hopefully.
“Not sure. I’ll call and let you know.” He gave her a perfunctory kiss on the cheek and then grabbed his briefcase and left.
She sank down into the chair at the kitchen counter. What is happening to us? This should be the happiest time of our lives.
The rain began to fall outside, and she felt her last remnant of joy drain away as the drops ran down the kitchen window. Then an idea came to her. No one except Steve knew about their baby. Today would be the day to call her mom, her grandparents, Kristin, Kelly and Monica. They would all help her celebrate the good news.
Michelle felt a renewed energy as she set a goal to get her house in order and herself bathed and dressed before she began calling her family and friends. She put some of her favorite music on the CD player and danced her way through her housework. By 10:00 she was dressed and ready to make her calls.
Her mother was very excited to hear the news. “Wait until I tell your father! He will be thrilled,” she promised enthusiastically. “Should I tell Tim?”
“Yeah. Tell him he’s going to be an uncle.” Michelle’s heart felt light as she shared her joy with her mom. “But let me tell Grandma and Grandpa.”
“Okay, dear. Have your grandmother call me after you two talk.”
“I will. Promise.”
She got similar reactions from her grandparents and Kristin. Everyone was excited and filled with congratulations. Next she called Kelly. As soon as she told her the news, Kelly insisted on coming right over. “I want to pray for you and the new baby. I’ll be right over.”
Guess Monica will have to wait, Michelle thought as she started a pot of coffee and took some muffins out of the refrigerator to heat up.
“Michelle — this is the best news I’ve had all week,” Kelly exclaimed as she bounced Luke on her hip.
“Let me see that little guy,” Michelle said happily, reaching for the baby. She nuzzled his neck and inhaled the fragrance of baby lotion. Her eyes sparkled, and smiling at Kelly she said, “I can hardly wait to feel my baby move.”
“It’s the most exciting thing in the world, Michelle.”
They shared coffee and muffins, talked about baby names, and looked at Michelle’s catalog from the baby store.
“It’s all right for me to tell Ben about this, right?” Kelly asked.
“Sure. But don’t expect a lot of excitement from Steve when he talks to him about it.” Michelle’s dark cloud began to settle back over the kitchen.
“Why? You guys decided all this together, right?”
“Yeah.” She wanted to tell Kelly the whole story about the infertility tests and the insemination, but she was certain Steve would not want her to know. “I guess he’s just having a hard time adjusting to the actual reality of it.”
“Maybe he’s not sure he’s ready to share you with a baby.”
“Maybe.”
They decided to head to the store to buy some of the items Michelle had circled in the baby catalog.
“This will be so much fun,” Kelly said. “I’ll look for a new changing table while we’re there. We can take Ben’s truck. He’s got the camper shell on so we can fit a lot of stuff into the back and not worry about it getting wet,” she added.
Thankful to have someone who really understood her excitement, Michelle silently prayed, Thank you, Lord, for bringing Kelly and Ben up to Sandy Cove.
The shopping trip was just what she needed, and she came home with a musical mobile, as well as some wall decorations. Looking around the nursery again, Michelle tried to imagine a tiny baby asleep in this room.
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
The next eight weeks were exciting times for Michelle. She tried not to let Steve’s reservations affect her bliss as she feverishly worked to decorate the baby’s room. She and Monica sponge painted one of the walls with puffy clouds and then added a sun and rainbow to enhance the Noah’s ark theme.
Today was a big day – their first ultrasound. She stood in the nursery soaking in the ambiance and praying for everything to go well at the doctor’s appointment. Steve had agreed to accompany her and would be arriving momentarily.
Max strutted into the room and began rubbing against her legs, begging to be held. “Oh, okay,” Michelle replied as she picked him up. “Needing some more attention?” she asked, scratching him behind the ears. He purred contentedly, angling his head for further strokes.
“Honey?” Steve’s voice lifted from below. “Are you ready?”
“Uh, oh,” Michelle said to Max as she put him down. “Coming. Just a sec.”
She hurried into her bathroom, ran a brush through her hair and applied some lipstick, then grabbed a sweater and headed downstairs. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to keep you waiting.” She gave him a quick kiss.
“I’m not the one in a rush,” he replied as they walked out to the car.
She tried to ignore his comment. Sometimes it seemed like he was starting to get excited about the baby, but other times she could tell he was struggling to keep up a front.
Soon they were in the ultrasound room. Steve sat in a chair beside the examining table from which he would be able to observe the monitor where the images would be displayed.
“I’m nervous, Steve,” Michelle said as the technician applied a clear gel to her abdomen.
“I take it you’ve never done this before?” the red-haired, freckled young tech asked. Her clear green eyes sparkled as she smiled at them. “You’ll be amazed. It is so cool to see the baby’s heart beating.”
Michelle smiled. “It’s hard to believe she already has a beating heart.”
“She?”
“Or he,” Michelle added.
Moments later the tech located the tiny new baby and an image appeared on the screen. The heartbeat was clear and steady, faster than Michelle had expected. “Does everything look okay?” she asked apprehensively.
“Looks great to me. Here’s the head and the little legs. Over here you can see an arm.”
Both Michelle and Steve were engrossed in the image on the monitor. “Wow...” Steve said.
The awe in his voice surprised Michelle. She looked over at him and saw an expression she hadn’t seen before. His eyes were riveted to the image on the screen. She thought she saw tears.
“Are you okay?” she asked softly.
“Look at that, Michelle. It already looks like a baby,” he said.
“I know, honey. Isn’t it amazing?” Together they studied every feature on the screen, holding tight to each other’s hand.
“Well, that’s about it for today,” the tech said, invading their little world. “You can pick up a copy of the video and some still shots on your way out. Then you can start showing your family and friends your new baby.” She winked at Michelle as she rubbed the gel off with a paper towel. “Need to use the restroom?”
“Yep,” Michelle scooted off the table.
“Right this way.”
When she got back, Steve said, “Let’s go somewhere and talk.”
He seemed so different, so much gentler, like the Steve who had romanced her in college.
“Okay. Where do you want to go?”
“How about the Cliffhanger for lunch.”
“Wow, are you sure? That place is so expensive.”
Through the Tears (Sandy Cove Series Book 2) Page 24