Not Always a Saint

by Mary Jo Putney

  As the carriage began to move, Daniel said calmly, “I assume you know that I’m Romayne. And your name is . . . ?”

  The woman hesitated. “I’m known as Jane Lester,” she said. “Mrs. Lester.”

  Jessie noted that the woman said she was known as Jane Lester, not that that was actually her name. “My mother was named Elizabeth,” Jessie said in a brittle voice. “She’s dead.”

  “Is that what that old devil told you?” Jane Lester shook her head. “I was christened Elizabeth Jane Shelby, and as a girl I was called Lizzie Jane. Your father thought that undignified, so he always called me Elizabeth. As you can see, I’m quite alive.” She leaned forward, tears in her eyes. “My little Jessie,” she breathed, “after all these years!”

  Jessie felt rigid as a board. “But my mother is dead! You’re too young to be she.”

  “I was only sixteen when you were born, and women in our family keep our looks,” Jane explained. “But I’m your mother right enough.”

  Daniel encircled Jessie’s left hand with his large, warm clasp. “I think you’d better tell us the whole story, Mrs. Lester. From the beginning.”

  “Then I’ll have to talk quickly since this is a short ride,” Jane said briskly. “How far back do you want me to go?”

  “Where are you from?” Jessie asked. “If you really are my mother, who are my people?” Her voice cracked. “You came from nowhere and then you died. I know nothing about you!”

  Seeing how unnerved Jessie was, Daniel squeezed her hand as he asked, “When telling the story of one’s life, it’s customary to start with where one was born.”

  Jane gave them both a straight look. “You’re the sort who want the unvarnished truth, aren’t you? Very well, though some of it isn’t pretty.” She brushed an errant lock of dark hair from her eyes as she considered. Beth often made exactly the same gesture.

  “I was born in London. My mother was in the chorus of an opera company. Singing, dancing, and entertaining the gentlemen.” She smiled ironically. “If she knew who my father was, she never said, so there’s a limit to how much of my background I can tell you, Jessie. She did say that he was a gentleman, for what it’s worth.”

  Jessie swallowed hard. Might the theater run in the blood? That’s where she’d run when she was desperate. “If that’s true, how did you come to meet my father? He despised the theater.”

  “Indeed, he did. I grew up backstage helping out where I could. Mending costumes, cleaning, whatever else needed doing. I wasn’t a good enough dancer to work in the opera chorus. I was only fifteen when my mother died, and I was terrified about what would happen to me.”

  When she fell silent, Daniel said, “Women with your looks can usually find a way to survive.”

  She scowled at him. “I’d no desire to become a whore, but it was looking like I’d have to accept an offer to be some rich man’s mistress. Then the Reverend Cassius Braxton came along.”

  Jessie’s father. She asked, “What was he doing in an opera house?”

  “He wanted confirmation of how evil it was,” Jane said dryly. “To be really thorough, he needed to see the girls close up in their skimpy costumes, so he came to the green room. He saw me there acting as maid for the opera singers. Since I was properly dressed, he decided I was an innocent who needed rescuing.”

  Daniel asked, “Were you?”

  “Depends on how you define innocent. A drunk caught me backstage when I was fourteen and I couldn’t escape. Braxton never forgave me for not being a virgin.” Her mouth twisted. “Claimed he wanted to save my soul, but what he really wanted was to toss up my skirts and roger me. After I said no a few times, he asked me to marry him.”

  “Why on earth would you accept such a horrible man?” Jessie burst out. “He hated women and pleasure and anything that wasn’t miserable!”

  Jane sighed. “He wasn’t so bad then. Very handsome, for one thing. But also, he wanted marriage. Can you imagine how good that sounded to a girl like me? A bastard facing a life of poverty and shame? He was educated and well connected and had money. I’d learned how to speak properly by listening in the green room, so he passed me off as a well-born orphan after we wed and he took me to Pulham.”

  “Going from London to a village must have been difficult,” Daniel observed.

  “Yer not half jokin’, ducks,” Jane said, her accent deliberately Cockney. Reverting to proper English, she continued, “But I was willing to be bored in exchange for enough to eat and a nice home and clothes. Living in Pulham wasn’t so bad. I didn’t have to dodge drunks in the back corridors. Some biddies criticized me for being too young and too pretty for a vicar’s wife, but I acted the part well enough that most of the parishioners were pleasant to me.”

  Jessie no longer doubted that Jane was her mother. No imposter could know so much of the Braxton household. “I must have been born very soon if you were only sixteen.”

  Jane nodded, her face softening. “You were, and once I had you, Jessie, it was all worthwhile. Do you remember our walks in the garden? Or when you played dress-up with my clothes?”

  Jessie’s face tightened. “I remember,” she whispered. “And then you were gone and my father said you’d died. He showed me a new dug grave and said it was yours. Not long after, he fired my old nurse and we moved to the parish in Chillingham and he never spoke of you again.”

  “Since you were so young, he could have shown you any new grave,” Daniel said.

  Jessie had wept and laid flowers on the raw earth. She hoped whoever occupied it didn’t mind flowers under false pretenses. “How did you come to leave my father?”

  “I didn’t leave Braxton. He threw me out,” Jane said bitterly. “He said I was a vile harlot determined to tempt him into mortal sin.”

  Jessie frowned. “What did he mean by that?”

  “He had strange ideas that husband and wife should stay apart on the Sabbath, or church holidays, or when a woman has her courses. But he couldn’t keep away from me, and he claimed that was my fault!” Jane glared at Daniel. “They say you’re a vicar. Do you believe such nonsense?”

  “No, but I know men who do. To desire a woman is to admit she has power over him,” Daniel replied. “Such men despise women because they fear that power.”

  Jane nodded vigorously. “That was Braxton. He’d succumb to lust, then bellow and beat me for seducing him. His rages got worse and worse until one night he drove me from the vicarage with a horsewhip and threatened to kill me if he ever saw me again.”

  Jessie pressed her hand to her mouth. “He had a horrible temper,” she said in a raw whisper. “He was terrifying.”

  “I wanted so much to take you with me, Jessie, but he kept the house locked and guarded. And I was so afraid of him.” Jane’s voice faltered. “I took refuge with a friend in the village. She gave me some clothes and enough money to get to London. When I got there, I forged references to get a job as a companion to a lady in Richmond.”

  “I’m surprised you could get such a position,” Daniel said. “Many women would consider an attractive young woman in the house to be trouble.”

  Jane grinned, looking very young. “Usually that’s true, but this particular lady, Mrs. Lester, was the widow of a prosperous merchant and she wanted a young woman who would tempt her son to stop working long enough to marry. After she decided I was sufficiently genteel, she put me into her son’s path. She’s now my mother-in-law and well pleased with the fact that she found her son a wife.”

  And so Mrs. Braxton had become Mrs. Lester. She was a resilient woman who had done what was necessary to survive. Jessie had done the same. In fact, there were eerie similarities between their lives.

  “Do you believe me now, Jessie?” Jane smiled mischievously. “I can tell you about a birthmark you have that no one except your husband should ever see, and maybe not even him. I thought it looked like a little heart. You were my little sweetheart.”

  Jessie didn’t know what Jane was talking about, but there wer
e parts of her body she’d never seen. “Why did you let my father name me Jezebel?”

  “I thought it was a pretty name, rather grand,” Jane said apologetically. “I hadn’t had any Bible study then, so I didn’t know Jezebel was a bad woman. That was Braxton’s idea of a joke, the swine.” For a moment a deeper, tougher side of her was visible. The part that had enabled her to survive cruel circumstances.

  Jessie closed her eyes, battered by her past. She felt an odd blend of relief mixed with regrets for unfinished business. She’d dreamed sometimes of returning to her father’s house and confronting him with her anger and his failings. “So my father is dead and my mother is alive.”

  “I think he must be dead, but I don’t know for sure,” Jane admitted uneasily.

  Daniel’s gaze became piercing. “So you contracted a bigamous marriage.”

  “Braxton screamed that I was no wife of his!” Jane said defiantly. “If I wasn’t his wife, he wasn’t my husband, eh?”

  “Very pragmatic,” Daniel murmured.

  Jane scowled. “And you think I’m going to burn in hell. Maybe so, but I know I was in hell on earth.”

  “God decides eternal justice, not me,” Daniel said in a quiet voice. “But if Mr. Braxton is alive and learns you’ve taken another husband, there will be an unholy mess.”

  “He’ll never learn,” Jane said firmly. “I told Mrs. Lester I was a widow when she hired me. My George has never known any different.”

  “How will you explain Jessie to him now that you’ve found her?” Daniel asked.

  Jane shifted uncomfortably in her seat. “George is a good man, but he’s used to doing things all right and proper. He wouldn’t like knowing about my past, and you’d be a fool to tell him. If he threw me out, I’d have to come live with my oldest daughter, so better he knows nothing about this, eh?”

  “It’s not my duty to hunt down your husband and tell him that his wife has a complicated past,” Daniel said. “You gave Jessie her strength and her resilience, and for that I must give thanks. But what kind of relationship can you have with your daughter if your husband doesn’t know about her?”

  Jane looked even more uncomfortable. “I can visit now and then when you’re in town. He’ll never have to know.”

  Daniel’s hand tightened on Jessie’s. “That sounds limited and unsatisfying.”

  Jessie squeezed his hand back, glad he was accepting her sordid family history so well, but she was caught by something else Jane had said. “You said I’m your oldest daughter. You have other children?”

  “Oh, yes,” Jane said proudly. “Two boys, two girls, the youngest just out of leading strings. Gifts from God, so I think He must have forgiven me.”

  It was another massive shock to Jessie. Four half brothers and sisters. She was too numb to know how she felt about that. “I’d like to meet them someday.”

  “No!” Jane shook her head sharply. “George would be angry if he found out I’d kept the existence of a daughter secret. I’m glad you’re well, but now that we’ve talked, I see there’s no room for you in my real life.”

  Jessie stared at her, shocked and furious. “Then why didn’t you just leave me alone? How did you find me? Why did you come to my wedding?”

  “I saw you shopping in Bond Street with two other women and knew you must be my girl. You’re the only one of my children who looks so much like me. I found out who you were. There was a great amount of talk when you accepted Romayne’s offer. I wanted to see you and my beautiful granddaughter, so I went to the church. Anyone can go to a church,” Jane said defensively. “I would have slipped away after the ceremony if that friend of yours hadn’t cornered me! You’d never have known.”

  Jessie stared at the woman who had given her life. “Perhaps it would have been better if I didn’t.”

  Jane’s mouth tightened. “Maybe so, but that horse has left the stable.” She glanced out the window. “Stop the carriage. We’re just outside Ashton House, so I need to get out here.”

  Silently Daniel signaled to the driver, and the coach rumbled to a stop. Expression softening, Jane leaned forward and touched Jessie’s hand. “Be happy, my little sweetheart.” She pulled her veil over her face, opened the door, and jumped to the ground, then started walking away with a brisk step.

  Jessie stared after her. “I’m not hallucinating, am I? That really happened?”

  Daniel pulled the door shut, then signaled the coachman to go through the Ashton House gates. “Indeed, it did.” He put an arm around her shoulders in a comforting embrace. “If you don’t want to sit through the wedding breakfast, I can tell our guests that you’re not feeling well. Too much excitement.”

  She buried her face against his shoulder and ordered herself to stop shaking. “It would be very odd to miss my own wedding celebration,” she said, her voice muffled. “I’ll be fine.” She’d learned how to be quite a decent actress, after all.

  “We’ll leave for Milton Manor fairly quickly,” he said. “Everyone will assume they know the reason why.”

  She laughed a little at that. “I should have recovered from the shock of meeting my mother by then. But now I’m wondering if my father is dead or alive.” Her brief levity faded. “I’ve done my best not to think about him since I ran away from home. I’m sorry, Daniel. My background is even stranger than I realized.”

  He smiled with deep warmth and brushed his knuckles down her cheek. “Life will never be boring with you, my dear.”

  She leaned her cheek against his hand, thinking how lucky she was to have found a man like Daniel. Now it was her job to make sure he didn’t regret marrying her.

  Chapter 21

  The wedding breakfast was splendid, as were all functions held at Ashton House. Fine food and drink were followed by toasts and teasing jokes and great goodwill. Beth attended the celebration, carrying her little cat Smoky in a ribbon-trimmed basket. The cat didn’t seem best pleased, but he was mollified by regular morsels of food, and the chance to savage the ribbons.

  Daniel was impressed by how graciously Jessie occupied the spotlight despite the shock of meeting the mother she’d thought dead. But when he stood and announced that they were leaving, he saw gratitude in her eyes.

  Jessie hugged Beth good-bye, saying, “We’ll come collect you at Ralston Abbey soon, little finch. Be sure to behave for the duchess!”

  “I will,” Beth said blithely. “Smoky will behave, too!”

  Mariah chuckled and stroked Beth’s curls. “We’ll have a fine time. No need to be in a hurry to have her back.”

  Jessie hugged Mariah, Julia, and Laurel while Daniel shook hands with his friends and hugged his sister. “Be happy, Daniel,” Laurel whispered. “As happy as we are.”

  He smiled back, not wanting her to know that this marriage was built on a much shakier foundation. “I’ll try, but having seen you and Kirkland together, I’m not sure that’s possible.”

  She grinned mischievously. “Probably not, but do try.”

  Jessie took Daniel’s arm and they left in a shower of good wishes. As she settled into the luxurious coach that would take them to Milton Manor, Jessie said, “You were right. Beth is less upset by our separation than I am!”

  Daniel laughed as he sat down on her left. “She’s a very adaptable young lady.” He’d observed it as a trait that ran in Jessie’s family.

  The coil of tension inside began to unwind. Finally he was alone with his exquisite bride. Should he tell her that he’d commissioned Gordon to investigate the Reverend Cassius Braxton and find out whether the man was dead or alive?

  No, that could wait until there were results. He didn’t want Jessie to have any more distractions on her wedding day. Or her wedding night.

  As the coach pulled through the gates onto the street with a gentle rocking motion, Jessie relaxed into the deeply upholstered seat with a sigh of relief. “Thank you for extracting us when you did. I’d used up almost all my ability to be gracious.”

  Daniel smiled. “Yo
u were still charming, but you’ve had an unusually exhausting wedding day. It’s time to relax.”

  “Getting married was easy compared to meeting my dead mother, the bigamist.” Jessie tried to make her words light, but suspected that she had failed. “I don’t know what to think of her. But if I’d been in her place, I would never have abandoned my child.” Just the thought of abandoning Beth made her feel ill.

  “No, you would have found some way to get your daughter back,” Daniel agreed. “Even if you’d had to burn the parsonage down to get to her. But your mother was in a difficult situation, with no resources. Her choices were made from desperation.”

  “You’re kinder than I am,” Jessie said in a low voice. “My mind doesn’t disagree with what you say, but my heart cries that she abandoned me, made an illegal marriage, and had more children so I . . . I no longer matter.” Her eyes squeezed shut to conceal the pain. “She sought me out only to decide I have no place in her life.”

  Daniel took her hand, his calm warmth flowing into her. “She’s afraid of losing what she has. Which she might, if George Lester discovers that his marriage is bigamous and his children are illegitimate. But if Braxton is dead and that fear is removed, she’ll want to see you again.”

  Jessie sighed. “She satisfied her curiosity today, and that’s enough.”

  “If we have children someday, will you love Beth any less?”

  Jessie stared at him. “Don’t be absurd. Beth has owned my heart since she was born. Having other children won’t change that.”

  He didn’t reply, but his brows arched in question. She smiled wryly. “I take your point. But my mother has managed without me for over twenty years.”

  “Not because she wanted to. And don’t forget Beth. How could any grandmother resist her?” He smiled. “I certainly can’t.”

  The thought of Beth was soothing. “You do know the way to a mother’s heart.”

  “You are equally in your mother’s heart. I’ll wager any amount you want that she wept for your loss for years. Now that she’s found you, she needs time to work out the best way to include you in her life,” Daniel said. “Explaining a living husband to the man who thinks they’re legally married would be impossible, but if your father is dead, she can surely come up with a story to explain how she misplaced her firstborn child.”