My Forever June

by Deanna Kinney

  I sat the drink down onto the coffee table, put my face in my hands, and my body shook as I cried. I didn’t know what else to do. Alice came and sat beside me and put her arm around me. “I’m so sorry, June.”

  I glanced up then. “But why is he doing this?” I didn’t recognize my own voice. It was shaky and rough.

  “He doesn’t want you to give up your life for him. He wants you to live,” Alice answered.

  “But I don’t want to live without him. Doesn’t he know that by now? I have been with him every step of the way with this. I can’t just walk away from him now. He needs me. And I need him too. I love him,” I began crying more heavily this time.

  They sat with me, no one speaking for over an hour. Afterwards, Jim drove me home with Alice following behind in his truck. They made sure I was tucked comfortably in my bed, and then they left me there to deal with my grief alone.

  I stayed in bed for two straight days.

  On the third day, I finally got up, got in the shower, and then dressed. As I sat there cuddled on the sofa in my soft, fluffy throw, I couldn’t stop the tears as I had a full-on pity party.

  As if sensing my pain, Felix jumped onto the sofa and whined. I managed a slight rub to his head, but that was about all I could do at that moment. Then I stopped and stared at Felix, instantly remembering how much Tucker disliked him, and I found myself laughing. Tucker had believed me when I said Felix was possessed and had tried his best to stay away from the finicky cat, but Felix wouldn’t have it. If Tucker was here, so was Felix. It was as if the old cat felt it was his job to protect me. I’m not sure why I found the thought funny, but I doubled over in laughter at the many memories of Tucker’s deliberate evasion of the old cat.

  It was when I was doubled over that my eyes were suddenly drawn to the edge of a white piece of paper tucked under the desk by the door.

  Curious, I got up, went to the desk, knelt down and retrieved the paper. It was folded four ways. I unfolded it and began to read:

  My Dearest June,

  If you are reading this then I have gone to be with my maker, and you are here living at Darling like I always hoped for. I want you to know how much joy you have brought into my life. I have lived for our precious summers together. I am so proud of the woman you have grown to become. I know you will make wise decisions, and never let anything stand in the way of your happiness. You deserve it.

  Know that I love you very much and became a better person having known and loved you! I look forward to seeing you again someday. Until then…LIVE!!

  With love always,

  Tess

  Tears were flowing with a vengeance now, and I pulled the letter and cradled it to my chest. “I miss you, Aunt Tess,” I muttered to myself. “What should I do now?”

  As if answering me, I heard the words from the letter repeat in my mind ‘never let anything stand in the way of your happiness’. It was then that I knew exactly what I needed to do. I went into my bedroom, grabbed my oversized bag and began filling it with clothes from my drawers. After my bag was packed and everything was ready, I was in my car and headed back to the Mitchell’s home to convince them to tell me where Tucker was. I was not going to give up on him. I would find him and bring him home no matter how long it took. There was no other option for me.

  My love for Tucker ran so deep, unlike anything I had ever experienced before, and I knew I could never let him go. He was only trying to protect me, and I knew it, but I would not let him go through this illness alone. That’s what love was all about; it’s not just loving each other when everything is running smoothly and perfectly, it’s loving each other despite the bumps and bruises along the way. And I intended to help Tucker through this, whether he wanted it or not. I would make him see reason; I just had to find him first. And that’s where the Mitchells came in.

  They seemed surprised to see me back so soon. I guess they thought I needed more time to cope with Tucker leaving, but I was strong. I had to be. I told them I wasn’t leaving. I guess that fact was evident to them when I pulled my fully-loaded bag out of the trunk. They said I was welcome, but they made it clear that they were not telling me where to find him. I guess they didn’t know me very well. If I had managed to handle my mother, and Blake, then I could surely handle the Mitchells as well.

  Despite their apprehension, they welcomed me in and allowed me to stay. And after only a few days, I felt they even began to like me. We ate dinners together, and I helped Alice with the household chores (shocking, I know), but I was also learning to finally grow up. I mean, how long could I continue to rebel against my mother’s control? She wasn’t even here anymore. It was time for me to get my life back on track if I was gonna find Tucker and convince him to have the necessary surgery that would give him his life back. I know we decided it was too risky, but if this time away from him had taught me anything it was that I couldn’t lose him to this sickness. Yes, it was risky, but he was willing to do it. It was me that was too scared. But now I knew it was the only way. It was either that, or he would die…and that just wasn’t an option.

  * * * * * *

  I had been with the Mitchells for over a month, and I was beginning to lose hope. It seemed to me that they weren’t going to give in and tell me where to find Tucker. All of my tricks to get them to fold just weren’t working. At first I pleaded with them. When that didn’t work, I tried to make them feel guilty. When that didn’t work, I begged some more. And when that didn’t work, I tried killing them with kindness. This was softening them up, but they still weren’t giving up Tucker’s location.

  All seemed hopeless until the phone call that came after lunch one day. Jim took the call and from the look on his face, the news was bad. He hung up the phone and Alice rushed to his side…and so did I.

  “Jim, what is it?” Alice asked, her voice trembling.

  He glanced over at me for a split second as if contemplating whether or not to say anything, but then his resolve broke. He let out a deep sigh. “Tucker has woken from this last episode and was screaming for June.” His eyes were pained as he locked eyes with me. “They couldn’t calm him so they had to sedate him. But every time the medication wears off he starts screaming again. They are having to keep him sedated constantly. We have to go to him.” Then his gaze turned grave as he took my hand in his. “You have to go to him, June.”

  Tears flooded my eyes as the relief shot through me. I was finally gonna see him! And before they could say anything further, I bolted up the stairs to pack.

  Chapter Thirty

  June

  The flight to Seattle seemed to last forever. Alice had to ask me at least five times or more to stop fidgeting. I felt like a child being scolded, but I was so close to seeing him again. I needed to get to him so he could wake up and we could talk. The last time Alice took my hand to stop the fidgeting, she actually smiled lovingly at me. What she said next caused fresh tears to pool in my eyes and overflow.

  She took hold of my hand. “June, I know we’ve been hard on you, and I’m very sorry for that. It was more me than Jim. We thought we knew the kind of girl who would make Tucker happy, but we, or more importantly, I was wrong. And all the while the right girl was staring me in the face.” She squeezed my hand tighter. “I want you to know that Jim and I have grown very fond of you over these past weeks, and we are very sorry for keeping you from Tucker, but we made him a promise. We only break it now because we feel it is the only thing to be done. I hope you can forgive us.”

  I threw my arms around her slight shoulders and squeezed. “Of course, I forgive you. I know you did what you thought was best for Tucker. And I have grown very fond of both of you as well.” It was a very special moment for me.

  When we made it to the institute, I had to focus on my breathing. I was never good at handling anxiety. The nurse at the desk seemed to be new and going slug slow when looking up Tucker’s room number. But after a few delays, we did finally get the number to his room. As we approached his room, Alice
and Jim took a seat on the bench by the door, allowing me to go in first.

  The room was small but bright, and the curtains were opened wide, allowing the lovely sun to filter into the room and across the bed. I approached cautiously, not sure of what to expect. Would he be mad at me for coming?

  I sat down on the side of the bed and took a moment to study my long lost lover. He was pale and very thin, only a shell of the adorable and vibrant young man I first met many months ago, and yet he was still so handsome to me; more handsome than I had even imagined. His deep red lips were still so amazing and his hair had grown longer and actually looked really good against his pale and perfectly shaped and sculpted face. I tried to fight the tears to be strong for him, but in looking at him now the emotions were very strong. I had missed him more than I had even realized…until now.

  I took his hand gently in mine and relished how amazing it felt to touch him again. I moved in closer to whisper in his ear. “Tucker, honey. Tucker, can you hear me? It’s me, June. Tucker, please wake up.”

  I felt a slight movement of his hand in mine. My heart jumped as his eyes struggled to open. It was painfully slow, but his eyes did open. It took him a long moment for his eyes to focus on me.

  “June? Is that really you? Are you really here?”

  I laughed softly. “Yes, it’s me. I’m here. I’m right here, and I’m not going anywhere.”

  I quickly kicked off my shoes and crawled into the bed and snuggled as close as I could get, resting my head on his chest just like I always did. He pulled me very close, and I felt his chest heaving as he cried.

  “June, I’m so sorry.”

  “Shhh.”

  We stayed cuddled tightly for a while, neither of us moving or speaking, only holding each other as if at any moment we could disappear, which felt true enough.

  When he finally spoke, his voice was a mere whisper, “Somehow I knew you’d find me.”

  I raised my head and gazed at him, a slight smile on my lips. “Of course. I’m your Forever June, remember?” I lowered my head back to his chest.

  “I’m gonna have the surgery.”

  I gasped and rose to look at him again, my mouth hanging open, but I couldn’t find the words to say. After a long moment, I closed my mouth and slowly nodded in agreement.

  Chapter Thirty-one

  June

  There was something important I had to do before Tucker’s surgery. They hadn’t wasted any time scheduling the surgery, but I felt in my spirit that I had to do this. This is the one thing that would show my ultimate love and devotion to Tucker. My only hope was that he didn’t have heart-failure.

  I rushed down the hallways. I had little time to spare. I had received a text from Jim informing me that they were prepping him for his surgery. I was almost there. Just a few more turns.

  I burst into the room, startling the nurse and the Mitchells. The entire room was silent as they studied me.

  Tucker reached for me. I stepped cautiously toward his bed. My eyes filled with fresh tears at the sight of his freshly shaved head. They had informed us that they would have to shave it all off for this particular surgery, but it was still hard seeing it, knowing how much he had already given up for this condition, and it was still taking from him.

  I inched forward and took a seat by his side on the bed.

  His eyes pooled with huge tears that spilt out and down his face without caution. He reached his hand to my face. “What have you done?”

  “I did it for you,” I said, reaching to touch my newly shaved head.

  “But why? Why did you shave your beautiful hair for me? June, why would you do that?”

  I laughed softly. “Your hair was just as beautiful as mine and you lost yours. I wanted you to know how much I love you. I would shave my head a thousand times for you. Besides, it’s just hair. It’ll grow back, right?”

  He laughed a weak laugh. “Yes. It’ll grow back. I love you so much, June. I hope you know that.”

  “I do know. I really do.”

  He reached up and rubbed his hand along my now smooth head. I repeated the gesture to him.

  “Wow,” he said, “I knew you were beautiful, but I never imagined how breathtaking you could be bald. Love the earrings, too,” he said, reaching down to touch my dangling, chunky earrings.

  I winked at him. “Yeah, I thought you might.”

  The anesthesiologist is here,” Alice said from behind me.

  I reluctantly stepped aside while they did their thing. And in just a few minutes, they were ready to wheel him to the operating room. It was all happening so fast, and I was becoming anxious. I had never handled anxiety too well.

  Alice kissed her son on the cheek and told him that she loved him, and I was on the verge of hyperventilating.

  Jim shook his son’s hand and told him to be strong and he would see him after. He was a big man, and he was being strong for his son’s sake.

  “June,” Tucker said as they began to roll his bed toward the door.

  I jumped in front of the door, stopping it. “Wait! I have to say my see-you-laters!” I squealed, my breathing coming heavy.

  Tucker took my hand and pulled me to him, putting both of his hands on the sides of my face. “June, it’s okay, baby. It’s okay. I’m gonna be fine.”

  I nodded but the tears were flowing anyway. “I know, Tucker. I know. I love you so much.” I pressed my lips gently to his.

  He grabbed my bald head and forced the kiss to deepen. I felt his lips quiver under mine. He was scared too. As the kiss broke, he peered intently into my eyes. “You are my Forever, June. Don’t you ever forget that. Forever. I love you…and I’ll see you later.” He winked.

  I forced a smile though I really needed to vomit.

  I watched as they wheeled his bed down the hall until it was out of sight. From somewhere down the hall I heard him yell, “Forever June! Forever!”

  I clasped my hand to my mouth. I sat down on the bench behind me before my knees gave way and began to pray harder than I had ever prayed in my life.

  After a few minutes, I got up and walked the long walk down the hall toward the waiting room with the Mitchells by my side. Now, all we had to do was wait.

  Chapter Thirty-two

  June

  The double doors opened in slow motion as the doctor came through, his face glum as he pulled off his mask and cap. The creepy sense of deja`vu set in. I felt anxiety well within me as he approached me at an incredibly slow pace. Tears welled in my eyes as I gripped the chair with great intensity. I suddenly didn’t have the strength in my knees to stand to meet him. He stopped in front of me, and my eyes rose slowly to meet his gaze. He shook his head as compassion consumed his expression. “I’m so sorry, June.”

  I began to hyperventilate. It all came flooding back to me. I’d seen this in my dream. I knew how this ended. My breathing was coming too hard and fast.

  “June!” I heard the doctor say as I crumpled to the floor and darkness suddenly clouded my vision completely.

  * * * * * *

  “June. June, can you hear me?” Someone was calling to me in a voice that seemed so far away. And someone was touching my head with a cool, damp cloth.

  I opened my eyes and cringed at the pain I felt. “Oww,” I said, touching my hand to my head.

  “You’re gonna be just fine.”

  I couldn’t believe the doctor said those words to me. My voice broke as I spoke the words, “How can you say that? Tucker is gone.”

  I began to crumble again until his next words startled me. “What are you talking about? Tucker’s not gone. I was trying to tell you when you collapsed.”

  I shook my head in confusion. “But you were apologizing?”

  “Yes. I’m sorry that the surgery went so long. I knew you were worried. We ran into some complications and it took longer than we had anticipated. But the operation was a success, and we feel Tucker should make a full recovery.”

  “You mean he’s okay?” I could barely
get the words out.

  He laughed. “Yes. And he will be so glad when he sees you.”

  The relief I felt was like nothing I had ever experienced in my twenty-three years. “Can I see him?”

  “Yes. The nurse will take you to him.” Despite my headache, I jumped up and followed the nurse through the double doors and down the hall…to my forever.

  Epilogue

  June

  One year later…

  As I lay flat on my back on the yellow checkered blanket, staring up at the beautiful fluffy cloud-filled sky, I marveled at the pleasure this simple act brought to me. I no longer took things for granted, knowing that at any moment the things, and people, I loved could be taken from me. Now, every moment was a gift, and a gift I planned to enjoy to the fullest.

  It almost ended for me. The moment the doctor came into that waiting room so many months ago, my life almost ended forever. When the doctor approached me, his cap in hand, and uttered those painful words ‘I’m so sorry, June’, I knew my world was altered. I couldn’t have imagined the relief the doctor’s next words would bring me. Just thinking about those words brought a smile to my face.

  “What are you smiling about?” my husband asked, peeping over my head and studying my expression.

  I reached up and took his hand in mine. “I was thinking about that day, in the waiting room, when I thought you died, and the relief I felt to learn you had made it through the surgery.”

  “Oh yeah. That was a great day for me too.”

  Tucker picked the book up again and continued where he left off, reading from our favorite book, Charity Moon, the same book I read to him in the hospital all those months ago. It seemed like a lifetime ago now. He cradled me against him as he read, rubbing his hand along my ever-growing baby bump.