Learning to Lean

by Mildred Colvin

His expression did not alter, although she knew he heard her. She hugged Candace and kissed her on the cheek, told Gary to show Jan where the treats were hidden, then sent one last imploring look toward Brad as she stepped out the door in front of Howard. The rush of cold air against her hot face felt good.

  Howard slipped his arm around her waist, and they walked to his car. She relished the quiet of the night. She could put aside Brad’s concerns now and enjoy the evening. She refused to think of the hard words he’d spoken, and she would not think of Matt Sanders. She liked Howard. He was a good man, and that had to be enough.

  After helping her into his car, Howard walked around and got in behind the wheel. He smiled at her then turned the key, bringing the engine to life. “Thanks for going with me tonight.”

  Heather returned the smile, but deep inside she knew as long as Brad felt the way he did, she and Howard could never be more than friends. If she ever remarried, she would have to consider her children’s feelings. Which meant unless Brad changed his mind, she would remain single.

  The drive to the city took less than an hour with little conversation. Howard seemed to sense her need to unwind as he turned the radio to a classical music station and concentrated on driving. She appreciated his understanding.

  The restaurant was everything Heather expected. Howard was comfortable to be with. She wasn’t surprised when, after they finished dessert, he reached across the table and took her hand. “Are you feeling better?”

  She smiled. “Yes, thank you.”

  “I’ve noticed your son doesn’t like me.” He gave her a wry smile. “I’m not used to children. If I’ve done anything to offend him, I’m sorry. I hoped you could give me some pointers.”

  Heather sighed. Nothing would make a difference, but how could she tell him that? “He’s a teenager, Howard. They are a different breed. I’m sure he’ll outgrow his attitude someday.”

  Howard laughed. “That’s encouraging. Are you ready to go to the movies?”

  “Sure.”

  Heather relaxed as Howard drove through the streets. She enjoyed his company. He reminded her of Darrell, except he seemed even more polished. Why Brad couldn’t see the similarities between Howard and his dad, she didn’t know. Right now he was so caught up with Matt, but she didn’t want to think about Matt. Not tonight.

  She turned to stare out the side window as Howard steered into the left turn lane and stopped at a red light. Another vehicle pulled to a stop beside them, and Heather gasped, focusing on the blue SUV. Matt sat no more than ten feet from her, gripping the steering wheel of his Bronco. His pain-filled eyes met hers before he looked away. Becka leaned forward from the passenger seat, and stared at Heather, her eyes wide with shock.

  ~*~*~*~

  ~Eighteen~

  The light changed to green, and Howard’s car turned left, Matt and Becka disappeared from Heather’s vision. An almost physical pain burned in her chest, and she closed her eyes, leaning her hot cheek against the cool window.

  “Heather?” Howard’s gentle touch on her hand brought no comfort. “Are you all right?”

  She straightened and let her lips curve into what she hoped was a smile. “Yes, I’m fine. A little tired, I guess.”

  “You sure that’s all?”

  He seemed genuinely concerned, which made her feel even worse. Howard was a nice man. If only she could love him. She felt like an imposter sitting in the comfort and quiet of Howard’s expensive car. She’d never heard the engine run in all the times she’d ridden in it. She smiled. Matt’s Bronco always roared when he took off. But why should that surprise her? Howard was perfection personified. The order of his life brought peace and quiet and stifled her. She thrived on the chaos and noise of six children vying for her attention. She longed for the love of one man who shared her love of those children. A man who was far from perfect except in her eyes. And in the eyes of her children.

  To be sure Howard represented wealth and security, but she’d seen the illusion of wealth disappear in a day when Darrell died. As Howard drove toward the theater, scenes from Heather’s life played before her eyes. She saw with clarity what had eluded her before. The wealth and security she sought came not from a man’s bank account and investments, but from her heavenly Father who owns the cattle on a thousand hills, the wealth of every land. Only trusting in Him would bring prosperity to her soul and in her life. Tears filled her eyes, and she brushed them away.

  “You aren’t all right, are you?” Howard pulled into the theater parking lot and stopped. “We don’t have to watch a movie, Heather.”

  She met his gaze across the car. “You wouldn’t mind taking me home? I think I’m getting a headache.”

  The barest of smiles touched his lips as he shook his head. “No, I don’t mind.”

  Heather leaned back against the headrest while Howard pulled into the line of traffic and turned his car toward home. He again tuned the radio to the classical music station. With the volume low, the soothing strains of Beethoven did little to ease the hurt in her heart, but Heather appreciated Howard’s consideration.

  Nearly an hour later Howard stopped in front of Heather’s house. He shut the motor off and spoke in the silence. “Heather, I think you know I care for you.”

  She turned toward him, but he held up his hand, stopping her protest.

  “I need to know. When we stopped at that red light, did your headache start then? Is there a connection between your headache and the guy in the blue SUV who stopped beside us? He looked pretty surprised to see you. And not overly happy.”

  Heather stared at Howard as guilt warred with the pain in her heart. How had she become so entangled in this emotional roller coaster ride? She thought she knew what was best for her children, but she’d been wrong. She couldn’t marry a man she didn’t love. She couldn’t marry a man her children didn’t even like. Their affections had been captured by Matt and his children, just as hers had. Howard never stood a chance.

  “You saw?”

  He nodded, his eyes locked with hers as he waited.

  “That was Matt Sanders. His children attend my daycare. They’ve all become good friends with my children.”

  “And Matt?” Howard’s soft voice held a touch of rebuke. “When did you fall in love with him?”

  “I don’t know.” Heather bent her head and covered her face with her hands. She had to be honest with him. She owed him that much. She looked up and met his eyes. “I’m sorry, Howard, I didn’t want to. It just happened. I tried to fall in love with you. Really, I did.”

  A smile curved his mouth. “Heather, we can’t control our emotions. I know only too well. So, I guess this is goodbye?”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Yes, me, too.” He stepped out of the car, came around to her side and, ever the gentleman, he walked her to the door.

  As soon as Heather stepped into her living room, Jan and Gary began talking at the same time. She got little sense of what they said, although she understood Brad’s name. She put her arm around Gary even as her heart constricted.

  “Gary, sweetheart, let’s let Jan talk.”

  “I’m so sorry, Heather, but I couldn’t stop him.” Jan paced the small living room. “I tried, really I did, but as soon as that car stopped out front, he slammed from the house. Said to tell you he’d be home late. To not worry as if you would anyway. I don’t know what he meant or what his problem is.”

  “How long has he been gone?” Heather’s heart sank. Her worse fears had been realized, and she was to blame. She’d ruined everything by not trusting God. Why hadn’t she seen that Brad’s behavior hung by a precarious thread tied by the slipknot of church attendance and Matt’s influence? He did not have the strength of his own salvation to keep him from falling. Heather had allowed her trust in God to fade into the background while she pursued false security. She’d let her son down because she hadn’t given him the example of faith. Why had she taken so long to understand? She only hoped she wasn’t too late.
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  Jan answered. “He left not long after you did.”

  “Why didn’t you call me on my cell phone?”

  “I tried several times, Heather. You didn’t answer. I left a message every time.”

  Heather dug in her purse and pulled out her phone. Somehow the ringer had been turned to vibrate. She couldn’t feel the vibration in her purse. She changed the volume to loud, then scrolled through her contacts list to Matt’s name and looked at Jan. “Will you sit with the kids a little longer? I’ve got to go look for Brad.”

  “Sure, of course I will.” Jan sank into the easy chair. “I feel responsible for letting him go.”

  “No, it isn’t your fault.” Heather stared at Matt’s name displayed on her phone and longed to push the button that would bring him to her, but she couldn’t. Not after the way he’d stared at her in the city. She let her phone snap shut. “I’ll be back as soon as I can. Hopefully with Brad. I have my phone on loud now. Please call me if he shows up.”

  Heather ran to her van and drove slowly past the few places she knew were typical hangouts for kids, including the hill at the edge of town where older guys hung out. She saw neither Brad nor the car she believed had picked him up. She drove slowly down the cruise looking at every car she met, but found none familiar. How could she find him when she didn’t know his friends?

  A police siren broke the quiet night and brought fear crashing through her heart. Brad! Had he been in an accident? She stopped against the curb to wait until the police raced past then pulled out to follow. Adrenaline flowed through her veins as she stayed behind the flashing red lights and the frightening sound of the sirens. They turned onto a side street and stopped while the siren fading into silence.

  People stood outside two cars with crumpled fenders, sitting at odd angles in the street. Older people. Adults without a teenager among them. Heather turned her van into a driveway down the street and sat with her head bowed over the steering wheel, relief leaving her weak.

  Thank you, Lord. Please help me find him. Lead me to the right place. And please let him be all right.

  She backed out of the driveway and returned the way she’d come. Where could she look? Frustration grew within, and she pulled over to angle park downtown on the deserted Main Street.

  Leaning her head against the steering wheel she tried to pray, but all she could think of was Matt. She longed to share her worries with him, to lean against his strong shoulders and let him help carry the load. She’d never been so lonely. Without thinking, she lifted her cell phone and found Matt’s name again in her contacts. This time she pushed call.

  ~*~

  “Who was that man with Heather?” Becka had asked the same question at least three times, and Matt still didn’t know the answer.

  “I’m sorry, Becka.” He cuddled his youngest daughter while she slept through the turmoil the others fought. “It really isn’t our concern. She has other friends we don’t know.”

  “That was no friend, Daddy.” Becka’s tone said he should know better. “She was on a date. Is she going to marry that man?”

  “I don’t know.” Matt’s heart broke at the thought that had tormented him since he pulled to a stop beside the luxury car and recognized Heather sitting next to someone else. The fact the guy was obviously loaded didn’t help. How could he compete with an obvious display of money? The man probably didn’t have a house full of kids, either. Not that he would give up his kids for any amount of money, but maybe Heather would. She’d told him about a rich man who had no kids, but he hadn’t listened. No doubt he’d seen him tonight.

  “I wanted her to marry you and be our stepmom.” Becka wiped tears from her eyes.

  “Yeah, me, too.” Ricky chimed in. “Me and Gary’s real good friends. We’d be brothers then.”

  “Brad wanted it, too.” Becka grabbed a tissue and blew her nose. “He said so. We thought everything was going all right until tonight. Now what are we going to do?”

  The phone rang, giving Matt a reprieve. He watched Becka get up to answer, and his own hurt settled deeper into his heart. He’d fallen in love with Heather, and he couldn’t change that. But he could go on with his life and make sure he put his kids first from now on. Obviously he hadn’t sought God’s will enough, or this wouldn’t have happened to them.

  “Dad, it’s Heather.” Matt focused on Becka as she handed the cordless phone to him. “She wants to talk to you, and she sounds like she’s been crying.”

  Blood pounded in Matt’s head. What had that man done to her? He grabbed the phone and scarcely noticed when Becka lifted Kristi from his lap.

  “Heather, are you okay?”

  “I can’t find Brad.” Her voice held tears. “Matt, I’m scared.”

  Matt tried to shift from anger at her unknown boyfriend to concern for Brad. “Where’s your date?”

  “Howard dropped me off at the house. He doesn’t know Brad’s gone. I’m not at home, I’ve been looking for him, but I can’t find him. I had to call you. I didn’t know what else to do.”

  Hope stirred in Matt’s heart. She’d called him, not Howard. He didn’t have time to analyze what that meant. If Brad was missing, he wanted to find him. “I’ll be right there. Where are you now?”

  When he clicked the phone off, he turned to find Becka and Ricky standing in the doorway watching him. “I don’t know for sure what’s going on, but Brad is missing. Heather asked me to help her find him. Will you guys be all right for a few minutes? I’ve got my cell phone with me.”

  Becka nodded, her eyes wide with questions he couldn’t answer. “We’ll be fine. Call as soon as you find Brad. Please, Daddy, I care about him, too.”

  “I know you do, sweetheart. Why don’t you and Ricky pray for him while I’m gone? And for us, so we can find him without any problems.”

  “We will.” Becka gave her dad a shaky smile. “And we’ll pray for Heather, so she’ll see how great a guy you really are.”

  Matt chuckled. “You do that.”

  He grabbed his coat and headed out the door with more confidence and hope than he’d believed possible only ten minutes before.

  Matt saw Heather’s van parked in front of a row of old store buildings downtown. He pulled in beside her and stepped from his vehicle. She sat with her head resting on the steering wheel. He opened the passenger door and slid inside.

  “It’s my fault, Matt.” Tears glistened on her long lashes. “I should never have gone with Howard. Brad asked me not to, but I thought it was…”

  Matt waited.

  Her face crumpled and unshed tears welled in her eyes. “I’ve been so stupid. What good is a nice house and plenty of money to spend if I lose my son? I thought I lost everything when Darrell died. The house was gone, the money, unlimited credit, nice clothes, expensive vacations, leisure time. Now I know how unnecessary all of that is when I still have what is so precious.”

  She looked across the car at Matt. “For the first time in years, I understand the only thing I lost was Darrell. I still live in a house. I make enough money to supply our needs, and I have my children. Even more important, I now have a relationship with Jesus Christ that I let fall away. When I thought I lost everything, I decided I couldn’t trust God to take care of us.”

  Her voice dropped to almost a whisper. “But He’s been there with me all along. I know that now. Through the days of uncertainty when I started the daycare and tried to bring sense back into our lives, He was there. He brought you into my life. You and your sweet children. Matt, I prayed all the time I waited for you, and I told God I would trust Him from now on to take care of me and all that is mine. I know He will. My lack of trust is what drove Brad away. God knows where he is.”

  A lump formed in Matt’s throat as her declaration of faith brought conviction to his soul. How often had he pulled away from God since Eva died? His heart swelled with love for the woman sitting beside him. She had grown in her faith while he harbored insecurity and unbelief. More than anything, he wanted H
eather as his wife. He wanted to be a father to her children, the children he loved as his own. The responsibility of six children overwhelmed him at times. He was financially secure. He could provide for her and the children. Still he had lost one wife, and he didn’t know if he could go through that pain again. How much harder it would be with three more children under his care. Could he place complete trust in God to take care of him and all that was his?

  “Matt, will you pray with me?”

  At Heather’s touch on his hand, he took her smaller hand between both of his to hold her close. He bowed his head. “Father God, we come to You in praise for the work You have done in Heather’s heart. Give us both a strong, enduring faith to withstand the trials of life. As we deal with our children, we know things will come up that need Your attention. Things we cannot handle alone. Right now You know where Brad is and what he’s doing. Our prayer, Father, is for him to come safely home to his mother.”

  As Matt concluded his prayer, he sat with his eyes closed for a couple of seconds letting God’s love surround him. He believed Brad was all right. Still, at not quite fifteen, he was too young to be out without permission with who knew what kind of influence.

  ~*~

  Heather basked in the knowledge that God was in control. She had driven all over town, even following a police car to a fender bender, but she hadn’t found Brad. She had no idea where to look or what to do next. Still that panicky, helpless feeling no longer controlled her. She lifted her head as a tapping sounded on her window.

  “Brad!” She stared at her son peering in at her. Laughter bubbled from her heart as she opened the door. A squeal of joy preceded her rapid exit from the van. She threw her arms around her son and squeezed him tightly. “Where’ve you been?”

  “I went to a party. What are you doing?” Brad returned a quick, clumsy hug and stepped back as soon as she released him. “Why are you sitting on Main Street this time of night? I thought you were with that man.”

  Heather laughed at the way he made man sound like a dirty word. “Maybe I should be asking you what you’re doing walking the streets at this time of night. What happened to your buddies in the car?”