Clarissa Harlowe; or the history of a young lady — Volume 8

by Samuel Richardson

  LETTER LXVII

  MR. LOVELACE, TO JOHN BELFORD, ESQ.[IN ANSWER TO LETTER LXIV. OF THIS VOLUME.]WEDN. MORN. SEPT. 6.

  And is she somewhat better?--Blessings upon thee without number ormeasure! Let her still be better and better! Tell me so at least, ifshe be not so: for thou knowest not what a joy that poor temporaryreprieve, that she will hold out yet a day or two, gave me.

  But who told this hard-hearted and death-pronouncing doctor that she willhold it no longer? By what warrant says he this? What presumption inthese parading solemn fellows of a college, which will be my contempt tothe latest hour of my life, if this brother of it (eminent as he isdeemed to be) cannot work an ordinary miracle in her favour, or rather inmine!

  Let me tell thee, Belford, that already he deserves the utmost contempt,for suffering this charming clock to run down so low. What must be hisart, if it could not wind it up in a quarter of the time he has attendedher, when, at his first visits, the springs and wheels of life and motionwere so god, that they seemed only to want common care and oiling!

  I am obliged to you for endeavouring to engage her to see me. 'Twasacting like a friend. If she had vouchsafed me that favour, she shouldhave seen at her feet the most abject adorer that ever kneeled tojustly-offended beauty.

  What she bid you, and what she forbid you, to tell me, (the latter fortender considerations:) that she forgives me; and that, could she havemade me a good man, she would have made me a happy one! That she evenloved me! At such a moment to own that she once loved me! Never beforeloved any man! That she prays for me! That her last tear should be shedfor me, could she by it save a soul, doomed, without her, to perdition!--O Belford! Belford! I cannot bear it!--What a dog, what a devil have Ibeen to a goodness so superlative!--Why does she not inveigh against me?--Why does she not execrate me?--O the triumphant subduer! Ever aboveme!--And now to leave me so infinitely below her!

  Marry and repair, at any time; this, wretch that I was, was my plea tomyself. To give her a lowering sensibility; to bring her down from amongthe stars which her beamy head was surrounded by, that my wife, sogreatly above me, might not despise me; this was one of my reptilemotives, owing to my more reptile envy, and to my consciousness ofinferiority to her!--Yet she, from step to step, from distress todistress, to maintain her superiority; and, like the sun, to break outupon me with the greater refulgence for the clouds that I had contrivedto cast about her!--And now to escape me thus!--No power left me torepair her wrongs!--No alleviation to my self-reproach!--No dividing ofblame with her!--

  Tell her, O tell her, Belford, that her prayers and wishes, hersuperlatively-generous prayers and wishes, shall not be vain: that I can,and do repent--and long have repented.--Tell her of my frequent deepremorses--it was impossible that such remorses should not at last produceeffectual remorse--yet she must not leave me--she must live, if she wouldwish to have my contrition perfect--For what can despair produce?

  ***

  I will do every thing you would have me do, in the return of yourletters. You have infinitely obliged me by this last, and by pressingfor an admission for me, though it succeeded not.

  Once more, how could I be such a villain to so divine a creature! Yetlove her all the time, as never man loved woman!--Curse upon mycontriving genius!--Curse upon my intriguing head, and upon my secondingheart!--To sport with the fame, with the honour, with the life, of suchan angel of a woman!--O my d----d incredulity! That, believing her to bea woman, I must hope to find her a woman! On my incredulity, that therecould be such virtue (virtue for virtue's sake) in the sex, founded I myhope of succeeding with her.

  But say not, Jack, that she must leave us yet. If she recover, and if Ican but re-obtain her favour, then, indeed, will life be life to me. Theworld never saw such an husband as I will make. I will have no will buther's. She shall conduct me in all my steps. She shall open and directmy prospects, and turn every motion of my heart as she pleases.

  You tell me, in your letter, that at eleven o'clock she had sweet rest;and my servant acquaints me, from Mrs. Smith, that she has had a goodnight. What hopes does this fill me with! I have given the fellow fiveguineas for his good news, to be divided between him and hisfellow-servant.

  Dear, dear Jack! confirm this to me in thy next--for Heaven's sake, do!--Tell the doctor I'll make a present of a thousand guineas if he recoverher. Ask if a consultation then be necessary.

  Adieu, dear Belford! Confirm, I beseech thee, the hopes that now, withsovereign gladness, have taken possession of a heart, that, next toher's, is

  Thine.