To an onlooker we would look like a couple embracing. As an insider, I had James’s cock in my hand and I was stroking him long and slow. The temperature of his skin was searing and this was the hardest thickest penis I’d ever stroked. I already knew how delicious he tasted, how he resembled granite, and how smooth his flesh was. My mouth watered and wanted to drop to my knees and open it for him.
He reached up and grabbed the back of my head, pulled me so he could reach me, and then he crashed his mouth down on me. He tasted like oranges and beer, this sweet musky flavor that made my mouth pool once more with drool. I stroked him faster, tightening my grip on him until he was moving into my hand. His tongue and lips owned me the same way they had in the kitchen. There was a part of James that was capable of owning me. I was usually my own person—I had no choice but to be and didn’t appreciate the idea of being anyone’s—but right now I wouldn’t mind being his.
His kiss grew frantic the tighter I formed my fist, squeezing and stroking him from base to tip. His deep breathless groans could be felt all over. His responses were so sexy I felt my knees lock together. One wrong move and I’d fall over. Struggling to keep up with his lips was an appreciated challenge. I could sense his end the way one senses a storm. The clouds opened up and poured on us, soaking us in their downfall. My body was electric and the musky taste of his tongue intensified, leaving me trembling. Pleasuring a man had never been so…fulfilling.
His body stilled suddenly and he moved his face into my neck and said, “Ahh,” into my ear. It was the first time I’d ever heard his voice. While he fell apart in my hand I replayed the sound over and over again, stroking him harder, faster, desperate for another. His voice was deep and gruff, unused and scraped raw. I realized in the moment his semen coated my hand and his grip on my body became painfully tight that I wanted to hear him more than I wanted to hear my heart beat.
Come on, I begged him silently. One more time.
I was losing him fast. His body was sagging. I held his weight up. I pumped him faster, desperate to keep him hard. When he exhaled into my ear I knew my opportunity was gone. I slowed my movements, still attempting to extract as much pleasure out of him as I could. It was second best to the sound of his voice.
His body completely sagged, languid and pleased. He found my lips and kissed me lazily. I gave him my mouth, secretly giving him so much more. I backed us up until we were leaning against his truck. Sliding my hands up his chest and over his shoulders, I twisted my fingers in his hair and succumbed to what I really wanted—him. How could I keep this relationship based on friendship when he did this to me?
“There’s a hotel down the street, Becca,” someone suggested, sounding suspiciously like Christa.
I gave her the finger and let this man have me in a way no one ever had. The only comfort was the fact that he’d never know it. Our kisses were always this way. He’d never know this one felt different to me.
Christa laughed and then I heard her car door slam. “Don’t get mad at me when you end up on YouTube.”
Having no choice, I slowed my lips. James’s eyes were closed. He had no idea that we had company. He followed my lips, wanting and yielding. I placed my hands on his chest and gently shoved him off, making sure to hide his exposed penis. I glanced over my shoulder at Christa, who sported a pair of low-rise jeans and a baby doll pink crop top, and glared openly. “Privacy would be much appreciated.”
She unlocked the back door and winked. “So would another one of him. Get him, girl.”
I rolled my eyes at her well-wishes and then risked looking at James. His eyes were heavy-lidded and narrowed. They shone with what we just did. His cheeks were flushed and his lips were tender and bright. He pressed his forehead to mine and swallowed hard. He kissed me tenderly, eyes stuck on me. To save myself from the familiar heart-ripping feeling overtaking my body I helped him back into his pants. I zipped him up and then examined the damage. My hands and shirt were covered in his semen.
He held up his hand and opened the truck, leaning in to dig behind his seat. He came away with a towel and started cleaning me up. His movements were deliberate and gentle. When he’d wiped me clean, he nodded toward my shirt and then lifted his sweater over his head. He took his shirt off and handed it to me, giving me an unhindered shot of his body. The sun shone off his abs and chest, stunning me momentarily. Coming to, I took his shirt as he pulled his sweater back on and exchanged mine for his, a plan gray shirt that smelled thickly of him.
Moving tiredly, he crawled into the front seat and sat back, staring up at the ceiling with a small smile on his face.
Becca, I pretended he said. We could do this. I’d catch you if you fell. I’d be there the way your father never was. You can trust me.
Instead he said nothing.
My cheeks flushed with my embarrassing thoughts.
Who are you? I demanded, slipping around front to get into the passenger seat. You’re slipping. You’re going soft. You’re not soft and you can’t slip.
James started his truck and pulled away. When he’d got on the road he reached out and tapped my chin. I looked over reluctantly, staring at his mouth instead of risking his eyes. But his mouth was so bright from our kiss. I contemplated my sanity. Was it healthy to want a person this much?
His lips formed the words, “What now?”
His question broke the bubble surrounding me. I shook my head and laughed breathlessly. “You pick.”
He smiled crookedly and licked his lips. He wanted more. I wanted to give it to him, but I also wanted to stop slipping past myself. I was about to pass myself by and be completely okay with never seeing that girl again. The one whose strength hid her true fears. The girl who never cried because the depth of her tears would smother her. The girl who raised her sister because her parents refused to, but never really learned how to raise herself. I thought that girl was who I wanted to be, but maybe she was who I had to be, which in turn made me wonder who I truly was.
I went from feeling so high to digging asphalt out of my wounds.
I hadn’t realized we’d even stopped until James reached over once again and tapped my chin. I looked around, blinking my despondent thoughts away. We were parked in the middle of the mall parking lot. It was empty considering most of the college kids in town had fled for warmer weather.
I frowned at him and raised my eyebrows. My expression was clear. “What are we doing here?”
He took his phone out and tapped in his reply.
James: I thought that maybe I’d buy new sheets. Mine are kind of old. I didn’t think you’d want to sleep in them.
He looked unsure. I watched him crawl back into his shell, shedding the sexy man who let me take him in the parking lot. Never mind that I gave him myself at the same time. I didn’t know what to think about his offer. Couples bought sheets together. The only thing I’d ever bought with a guy was condoms and maybe we split the bill for a burger. If I wanted it I bought it myself. This could potentially blur the lines. So could hooking up with him, but that was friends-with-benefits rule number one.
Becca: Can we hash out one rule? If you buy sheets for me you’re not allowed to sleep with anyone else in them. I want your bed.
My heart fell into my stomach. My demand was a gut reaction. I hadn’t meant to write it down. I couldn’t look at him as he answered.
James: It’s yours, Becca.
Becca: Until I find somewhere else to stay, of course.
James: Naturally.
Becca: And you let me split the bill. I’ll pay you back.
I watched him struggle. He looked pissed, but in the end he complied. Once he had, I made one more request.
Becca: Let’s switch. You wear your shirt and I’ll wear your hoodie.
James: Why?
Becca: You know why, James.
On top of falling apart, I was learning I was a possessive woman. He didn’t question me. We switched clothes. When we were done his shirt couldn’t hide his deep purple hick
ey from the world. I smelled like him and his black hoodie was soft and worn. He wasn’t going to get it back. I’d wear it for years to come and think about him every time. Then I’d look over at a guy like Heath and know he’d never make my ground still.
He would never be James.
I followed him across the mall parking lot and entered through the large glass doors as he held them open for me. The smell of cinnamon rolls and coffee hit me immediately. Low chatter filled the hollow spaces the way voices in malls do. I had that overwhelming rush of wanting to buy everything but having no money for anything. It was pointless every time I had it. I’d always scraped from the bottom of the barrel as far as money went. Rain needed to eat. I worked from the moment I could and accepted that I would never be in a position to open my wallet and smile.
James nudged me with his shoulder and smiled when I glanced over curiously, this small shy kind of smile I was positive no other woman had ever seen. Because if they had they wouldn’t have let him ever give one to another woman.
“What does it sound like?” he mouthed.
I wrapped my arm around his and shook my head. “Loud and annoying.”
His smile dropped slowly as he gauged my response. When he established I wasn’t lying, he pinned my arm closer to his side. If I wasn’t mistaken he looked slightly pleased he wasn’t missing out on anything. He didn’t seem to be that kind of guy, and I hoped he didn’t think he had to for me. I didn’t see a deaf man when I looked at him, but a man who happened to be deaf. He shouldn’t have to press his face to the glass to get a glimpse of life. Frankly the image saddened me far more than any other. James watching the world walk right past him in disdain, alone. I wasn’t aware of feeling as though I couldn’t be myself because everyone else couldn’t relate. Or maybe I didn’t believe in distancing myself for the sake of others.
James steered me around the corner past a perfume and a shoe store. Occasionally women would catch sight of him, but the branding on his neck told them to back the shit off. It kept my mouth on the verge of a smile. I didn’t examine his expression. I didn’t need to. His arm was stiff in mine. But it wasn’t my fault. He was him. Addictive and vicious, torturing me and holding me together. It was a heady, damaging combination to feel yourself falling apart and know the one person who might hold you together would be gone before you hit the ground.
Not to mention depressing.
I let James’s arm go the moment we reached the escalators. He looked over his shoulder at me but I turned away, examining the food court. It was rather empty. A lone security guard shoved a foot long into his mouth and a child ran around his table by Panda Express, waving a fortune cookie at a plant like a sword. As I followed beside but behind James, keeping a safe distance that felt too dangerous to be beneficial, we entered into a department store. The bedding items were on the second floor, nestled between the furniture and sleepwear. Nude pink lingerie adorned the racks, flashy and sexy. James’s cheeks colored.
Hmm…
I grabbed his arm and pulled him over, ignoring his displeased expression. Searching through the racks, I plucked a sheer lace baby doll with matching G-string and held it up, giving him a naughty smile. We both knew I’d look mouthwatering in this. His lips opened a little, giving me a glimpse of that sweet pink tongue. His eyes filled with both embarrassment and want.
“Too cutesy.” I put it back, grinning to myself at the look of disappointment on his face. I searched until I found one more my style, a black satin garter set with sheer matching stockings and panties. It would elongate my legs and showcase my curves. I stepped back and showed him. His pupils dilated and he exhaled. “Sexy, right, James?”
I wanted to hear him say it in his deep, gruff voice. Yes, it’s sexy, Becca. Guilt attacked me. I’m sure he wanted to say it too.
He nodded twice. Two slow moves of his head.
“You want me to buy it?”
He shook his head.
Rejection made my stomach turn and my cheeks flush.
He touched his chest. “I’ll buy it.”
To hide my relief, I nodded seriously. “Good idea.” Since when did a man’s opinion mean anything to me?
I hung the outfit over my arm and then grabbed a handful of his shirt, leading him to the bedding area.
When we were surrounded by staged beds and fluffy pillows, he pulled out his phone and held it out to me without sending the text he had written.
James: If I buy that it’s only for me.
His eyes found mine without an ounce of doubt in them. Somehow giving this to him made my knees weak. I nodded, stuck on him like I’ve never been stuck on anyone. “Yes,” I whispered, even though he couldn’t hear my quiet admittance.
Right now, whispering when I normally screamed, I yearned for my sister’s strength. She was a rule follower and never found comfort in breaking or bending them, her own or others’. I, on the other hand, pushed just to see how hard I could until the rule broke. But breaking my own rules felt like pissing into the wind and craving the warmth while knowing it was going to get cold and uncomfortable later.
He placed his phone back into his pocket and then walked casually over to a bed set as if I didn’t agree to a rule for the first time in my life with every intention of keeping it.
I shook my promise off. Shook it off and forgot it.
He kneeled down and began searching through the options for a presumably full-sized sheet. I scrunched my nose up at his choice. Boring and plain like everything else in his room. I left him with his safe, emotionless option and went in search of something with some color and life. There was a section designed to appeal to college kids. I wasn’t a college kid anymore, but I appreciated the bright colors and abstract shapes. Toning it down, I picked a bedding set with varying shades of blue. The quilt was patterned in navy and the sheets were the color of the sky. I grabbed some matching pillow cases and then went in search of him.
Our silent argument lasted approximately one second. I looked down at my lingerie and he set his options on the neighboring display dresser and relented with a scorching look. After paying, James grabbed both bags and looked at me before taking off for the escalators. His expression was clear. I had a feeling he wanted to test out our purchases, and it had nothing to do with the sheets. And though I agreed and wanted the same thing, I could hear a soft voice across the water fountain distracting me.
“James?”
Of course James didn’t hear her. I searched the mall, finding a girl with chocolate brown hair running toward James. She was short and angelic, wreathed in a halo of white from the overhead lights. Her cheeks were full and her clothes reminded me of Rain’s, simple and boring. She grabbed her friend’s hand and dragged her along, making a beeline for James, who had stopped to stare questioningly at me.
I pointed to our approaching guest. His expression was one of shock and horror. He quickly dismissed it, but I’d already noticed. He exchanged it for a forced genial smile and impassive eyes. What was he horrified of? Me or her? It couldn’t be her. She was the girl I feared. The sweet, perfect one wreathed in white light and blushing cheeks. So if it wasn’t her…
She stopped in front of him and smiled hesitantly, speaking to him as if he could hear her. “What are you doing here?”
He glanced at me and then run a hand through his hair. She followed his gaze and her eyes widened. I smiled blandly. I left my horns at home, so I wondered what about me made her so shocked. Her friend, a skinny girl with purple glasses and black leggings, looked unimpressed.
James tapped his ear. “I can’t hear, Tess,” he mouthed carefully, more carefully than he would for me.
Tess?
This was Tess?
My ground began to tremble. My heart pounded in my ears. Sweat dotted my upper lip. I quickly wiped it off and tried to ignore the dark shadows pulsing along the edge of my vision, threatening to suck me under.
“Oh, right. I’m sorry, James.” She reached for his arm and gripped it softly,
making sure he was looking at her lips. “I can’t always remember.”
Rage swam in my bloodstream. I zeroed in on her hand on his arm the way one would a target.
“You haven’t been answering my texts. I was worried.” She spoke softly, as if she were admitting things she was unsure about. She stepped closer and then looked over at me, solving the equation.
I felt my body swaying. The ground beneath my feet was rocking.
James turned away slightly, shielding his hickey from her sights. He looked cornered. He grabbed her hand and pulled her away from me and Tess’s friend, bending so their mouths and eyes were close together. His lips moved, probably explaining my presence away. She’s nobody, he’d say. Just some whore sleeping in my bed. I looked over at Tess’s friend to find her studying me.
“Are you okay?” she asked, taking a step toward me.
“Fine,” I mumbled, waving her away and watching Tess take my place.
Tess looked down and then back up, staring at him from under her long brown lashes. She said something and he nodded slowly, still holding her hand. Then she reached up on her tiptoe and kissed his cheek, placing her gaze in direct line of his hickey. I yearned for her reaction. Yeah, bitch, he’s mine. But he wasn’t mine. We were barely friends. Her mouth popped open and a shocked gasp escaped her lips. A wounded look entered her eyes. We all knew she was thinking. How could you?
“James?” she asked, touching the hickey.
He moved out of her touch. “Later,” he promised her and then looked expectantly at me.
Later?
He wanted to talk to Tess without me around?
This is what happened when you broke your own rules. You fell. You shattered. You had to get up off the ground by yourself. I didn’t realized how badly I wanted James to be the one guy to prove me wrong until I understood he would never be.
My Vicious Demise (Demise #2) Page 15