My Vicious Demise (Demise #2)

by Shana Vanterpool

  This unbearable emotion overtook me. I’ve never felt so…betrayed, so hurt, so damn alone in my entire life. The bottomless feeling was a warning all along. This man could make me this empty, just like my father. He spent years destroying me. I tried to keep Rain from most of it, subsequently taking the brunt of his abuse, his neglect, and his overall painful parenting skills. My father was in my thoughts every day, because he made my choices. The men I chose and the rules I built for myself were an attempt to avoid him at all costs. To prove I was strong without him. I was capable of being anything I wanted on my own. I didn’t need a man—men needed me. But deep down, deep, deep down, I rotted slowly, like a zombie walking a lifeless road. I hadn’t picked up on the stench of my insides until James chose Tess over me.

  I swallowed my pain, accepted the burn, and then I walked over to them with a bland smile on my face. He was lucky he was getting a smile at all. This had to end. Now. I’d never survive if this went as far as I sensed it could go. A month of this? A year? I’d be used to being on the ground. I was too good for the ground.

  I touched James’s shoulder and made sure he was looking at my lips. “It’s fine. You two hang out. I’m going to go.”

  James frowned. His looked fearful. He tried to grab for me but I moved out of his touch.

  “That sounds like fun,” Tess interrupted. She stepped between us and met my eyes briefly. She was just brave enough. She grabbed James’s hand and turned him away. “Come on, James. Gemma and I were just going to get coffee.”

  Coffee. Such a boring, simple option.

  I knew if I looked at him he’d have me. His eyes would wrench my soul out of me and hold it hostage. I wrapped my arms around myself and left James with his perfect girl. As soon as I got outside, my phone chimed.

  James: Please don’t leave me.

  James: Please, Becca.

  James: I don’t want her. I want you.

  For one brief moment I allowed my emotions free rein. The loneliness I ran from. The deep pain I harbored. The desire I had for a man who was going to ruin me far worse than my father ever had. I knew my father hurt me. I didn’t know why, but I knew that for as long as I lived he’d rip me apart. I accepted that. What I hadn’t accepted was this new ache. Men weren’t worth it. I gasped for breath as I walked, ignoring the headlights and car horns. My eyes blurred with tears and my chest opened up. The heartache I ignored but what really controlled me ripped me apart.

  When I hunkered down in my sweater—it was my sweater now—his scent assaulted me. Clean and crisp, manly and comforting. I inhaled the smell of him until every breath I took was him. I shoved my hands into the front pocket, feeling something inside. When I brought it out into the light it looked like a folded sheet of paper. I read over the contents and concluded it was a test from his English Writing class. His name was written in his handwriting across the top. ‘James Rush.’ Even his last name was hot. He’d gotten an A. There wasn’t one red mark. When I refolded it I noticed words on the other side. My heart dropped further as I read over James and Tess’s conversation. Her replies were written in bubble letters, big bulbous girly letters marking her as a sweet one.

  When I got to a gutter I sat down and ripped the paper to pieces. I let each piece go, watching the water from the drain take it away. I sat there for hours, staring at the cars driving by, letting my emotions devour me. I felt as though I was being mauled and no one cared. They drove by, smiling, laughing, and basking in the start of spring as I rotted in the remnants of something that never even happened.

  How could something that hadn’t even existed make me feel this eviscerated?

  Chapter Twelve

  James

  Tess’s mouth moved too quickly to track.

  Her friend, Gemma, talked back just as fast. We were seated in the middle of the food court. They ate between words, shoving ice cream into their mouths. I hadn’t gotten any ice cream. Frankly, the idea of putting anything into my mouth made me nauseous. My body was tensed and my mind couldn’t stop playing back the look on Becca’s face as she left me. Again. That look said many things, all of which no longer mattered anymore. I wanted it to matter. She’d been on the edge of tears. The idea that she was out there all by herself because of something I didn’t even understand made me increasingly ill.

  What did I do?

  I hadn’t invited Tess, didn’t even know she’d be here. I came here to buy new sheets for Becca with Becca. She was a maddening woman. Making a move, dragging me under, and then running while I tried to stand. By the time I did she was usually already gone. At first she made it sound as if this was for my benefit, but I wondered, replaying her face in my mind, if she was doing it for her own. She looked afraid, as though she was falling apart and could feel herself breaking. I understood that feeling well. Becca was doing the same thing to me.

  My stomach rolled. My mouth was dry and my chest felt constricted. I was on the edge of cracking. I tried to hide in my shell and convince myself this entire situation would pass. But this was far more than a passing inconvenience. If it weren’t for Tess I wouldn’t have hurt Becca and she wouldn’t have hurt me. We’d be at my place, testing out my new sheets and the sexy lingerie I bought her. The memory of her face when I bought it made me smile fleetingly. When Tess smiled back, I looked away. If Tess wanted a smile she’d have to earn it.

  I took my phone out and opened my messages, hoping beyond common sense that Becca would respond. There was nothing. Of course there was nothing. She was probably at home packing her things and leaving me the way she found me—pathetic and alone.

  The possibility was my undoing. My fears expanded until they consumed me.

  I probably looked unfazed on the outside. Unemotional, bored, the same way I looked every day. On the inside I was a child and I was losing the only person who meant anything to me all over again. Not for the first time I had to remind myself Becca and my mother weren’t the same people. My mother owed me so much more than what she gave me. She brought me into this world and didn’t want me. Becca owed me nothing. But when I closed my eyes they were side by side. Heartbreakingly beautiful and indifferent. They didn’t love me.

  I was something worthless in their way.

  A hand touched my arm. Tess was talking. I never realized how much she talked. I shook my head at her and for the first time feigned ignorance. I can’t hear! I wanted to scream. It wasn’t a hard concept. My ears didn’t work. She looked perplexed, her puffy cheeks blushing. To save her I gave in and watched her lips.

  “I have to give Gemma a ride home. Follow me?”

  The bag beneath my feet became apparent. I wanted to take this bag home, open the contents, and promise Becca this arrangement could work. It was going to kill me, no doubt painfully, but at least this way I could admit to myself that I had this woman for as long as she would allow. Somehow having her for a short time was almost worth not having her when she left. Almost.

  Instead I shook my head yes and followed Tess and Gemma out of the mall. I walked with them to Tess’s car. As Gemma put her shopping bags into the trunk, Tess pulled me to the side. I never realized how much shorter she was until I looked down at her. Becca was the perfect height. One reach and her lips were on mine. I felt guilty suddenly, imagining one woman while I was with another. I tried to shut Becca out and focus on Tess.

  Her eyes shot to the hickey. She’d looked at it a few times, frowning unpleasantly. I ignored that too. I’d never ignored so much so hard before. In a way it backfired, making me hyperaware of the one thing I wanted to overlook. I ignored that too.

  Tess grabbed both my hands and looked up at me. I had to admit she was adorable. All puffy cheeks and warm brown eyes. I held her hands in return.

  “We need to talk,” she said, mouthing the words carefully for me.

  It irritated me. “Now?” As always, reading my lips seemed like a game to her. I could read lips better than she.

  Her eyes brightened. “Come to my dorm? I’ll meet you
there after I drop Gemma off.”

  This seemed like a bad idea. Tess would come to the same conclusion she already had. It would make leaving her behind that much more difficult. But I reminded myself of something undeniable. Tess was here. Becca wasn’t. Sure, they were polar opposites and my blood had never been lit around Tess, but I wasn’t in a position to be overly critical.

  “Okay,” I gave in, feeling an overwhelming sense of depression that I couldn’t explain.

  Tess grinned and then reached up on her tiptoe to kiss my cheek, avoiding the side where my hickey marred me. I was branded by a woman who didn’t really want her claim to me. Tess smelled the way she always did, like cherries and the Juicy Fruit gum she had in her purse. Before I pushed her away and screamed I stepped from her embrace and headed for my truck.

  Part of me hoped Becca would be waiting. That part disgusted me. I accepted my disgust and I still hoped. I tossed the things I bought onto the passenger seat and leaned my forehead against the steering wheel. I was inching toward disaster. If I didn’t calm down and remember who I was quickly I would do something stupid. The thing that prevented my attempts to be calm was the fact that I didn’t know who I was. At least who I was hadn’t been a man I was eager to embrace. Why should I want this man when no one else had?

  This man was a pitiful, useless excuse.

  I missed my shell. Within it there was protection. I understood this man I didn’t like and subsequently found a level of comfort. In my shell I felt nothing worth keeping. Right now I felt too much, and all I was doing was losing.

  I found my phone and found Kent’s messages. He hadn’t responded to my last text, which meant he was probably busy. Within my few contacts I located Raina’s number and tried her.

  James: Are you with Kent?

  Of course she was with Kent. Those two together made more sense than anything I’d ever known. Raina was gentle and patient, making up for Kent’s impulsive behavior. Together they created the perfect person.

  Raina’s reply took a few seconds.

  Raina: He’s waterskiing. What’s up?

  Kent advised me to keep my mouth shut about Becca to Raina. Until Becca proved she wasn’t leaving, Rain couldn’t know. At the time I didn’t understand why he’d risk keeping Raina upset one more second if he didn’t have to. Now I knew why. Becca was unreliable. She picked what she wanted over what anyone else wanted. That probably worked in her world. If what she wanted was me, it would work in mine as well.

  James: How’s spring break?

  Raina: So much fun. Kent’s parents planned a lot of fun things. Waterskiing, going out on the ocean. I wish you were here.

  Her admission made me smile. I had a soft spot for her. The moment I met her I felt like she was way too good to ever risk not giving her what she wanted.

  James: Sounds like fun. How are things with Willow?

  Raina: What are the rules when it comes to beating the piss out of pregnant ex-girlfriends?

  Since Kent’s ex was with his brother, Scott, things had gotten sticky in the Nicholson family. I’d never been a fan of Willow. She was a cold, calculating woman who happened to be too good-looking for words. Knowing Rain had to deal with her aggravated me.

  James: I think the only rule is to not. Don’t let her get to you. That’s what she wants. You’re better than that. I’ve gotta go. Tell Kent to talk to me when he can. Have fun.

  Raina: I’ll try. And I will. You have fun too.

  Not likely, but I promised her I would try and then I put my phone back in my pocket and drove slowly to Tess’s dorm. My minor reprieve from speaking to Raina lasted about as long as it took me to detect the shopping bag in the passenger seat. Becca would look so sexy in the lingerie, her curvy body hugged in the sheer black satin. Her creamy skin and black hair would complement the outfit, not the other way around.

  The parking lot was far less packed than the last time I came here to pick Tess up. On the elevator ride to her floor I forced myself to let Becca go. I couldn’t hang out with Tess while worrying about another woman, especially since that woman was making a move on her own game.

  Tess opened her door, dressed comfortably in a pair of pink sweats and a white tank top, having changed out of her jeans from the mall. Her hair had been gathered into a pony tail and her smile was shy and unsure. I forced myself to return it.

  She stepped aside and motioned for me to enter. After I had, she closed her door and leaned against it, watching me intently.

  Her dorm was messy. I knew most of it was her roommate’s fault. Tess’s side was immaculate. Her pink and white sheets were folded perfectly on her twin bed and her textbooks were aligned on her desk from smallest to largest. Her laptop was open to her Facebook page and her phone was blinking beside it. Tess wasn’t extremely popular, but she had her own group of girls. Not for the first time I wondered why she bothered. When my assessment was over and I had no other option, I met her gaze. She met mine head on.

  “I’m sorry for the way I acted—” Her words faded into the abyss.

  I tried to keep up, catching a few things here and there. Unfair of me, I didn’t truly know, I’ve been thinking, and give me another try—basically Tess accepted my difference after giving herself time to think. She probably weighed the pros and cons of reopening this can of worms and decided I wasn’t as pathetic as she thought. I waited to feel pleased. Rather, I felt aggravated. Well, wasn’t it so nice of her to finally accept something I’ve struggled with my entire life? My issues were my own, regardless of how I felt about them. I earned them and bled for them. They weren’t hers to accept.

  She widened her eyes hopefully.

  What was the point? It wasn’t as if women were knocking down my door to be with me. I nodded, giving her what she wanted.

  Her lips stretched into a wide, triumphant smile, and then she ran at me, jumping and wrapping her arms around my neck. It took me a moment to respond, caught off guard by her excitement. My arms came around her waist, holding her to me. I didn’t overlook the fact that she avoided the side with my hickey once again. Her actions felt out of character. Where was the girl I met who was content holding my arm? Where was this coming from?

  Tess slid down my body and landed on her feet, still gripping my shoulders. “Ready to talk?”

  Hadn’t we done that already? Panic slowly overcame me. This was the reason she ran away screaming.

  I couldn’t remember the sound of my voice. When I was a kid I hadn’t known I was going to lose it someday, so I never appreciated it. I imagined my voice had gotten deeper with puberty, making me truly sound like the monster under Tess’s bed.

  “Not actual talking,” she assured me, patting my shoulder comfortingly. She looked around her room. Once she found what she was searching for she released her hold on me and went over to the whiteboard over her bed. It was scribbled with assignment reminders and her study schedule. She handed me a blue pen and she kept the red one, writing down her thoughts. I reluctantly kicked my shoes off and joined her on her bed.

  I’m sorry for being insensitive. I hadn’t been expecting to hear you talk. I didn’t know you could.

  Yeah, I could read and write too.

  I choose not to talk. Now you know why.

  She looked guilty down at her hands and then wrote her reply.

  You actually sounded kind of sexy.

  I looked sharply at her. “What?” I demanded. Out loud. I was too shocked, circumventing my own rules.

  Her cheeks filled with pink heat.

  Your voice is sexy. What did you think happened? That you sounded like a woman?

  I gawked at her. “What?” I repeated. Was this a trick? I looked around her room, searching for a camera.

  You don’t know? James, you’re really cute, and sweet, and the way I reacted wasn’t because I disliked the way you sounded, but because you’d spoken.

  She relented.

  Okay,

  You don’t sound exactly like everyone else, but you—


  That was all I needed to know. I didn’t sound like everyone else.

  How do I sound? Tell me the truth. The honest truth. My feelings could stand the truth.

  Say something else. I can’t remember.

  My anxiety was the same as it had always been. I didn’t believe her. I’d seen the way people look at me. I knew I didn’t sound like everyone else. As my panic bled into my bloodstream I contemplated why it really mattered. I guessed on top of everything else it was one more opportunity to be ignored. People tended to ignore the things that put them in a hard position or made them uncomfortable. It was easier on them if I faded into the shadows. It was easier on me if I saved myself the trouble. I didn’t want to initiate relationships when the outcome would always be the same. The best option was to pretend the other didn’t exist. It was what worked for me. For Becca. For my mom. For everyone before and after them.

  I shouldn’t be here. Tess could’ve told me this the day it happened, or yesterday, or any time. Why did she choose now of all times to explain her reaction?

  Because despite her insistence, I didn’t believe her. Her reaction the day I talked hadn’t been one of someone attracted. It had been shock and revulsion.

  Please James?

  And then she wrote:

  Do you talk for her?

  She looked right at my hickey, showing me a part of her I never knew existed. On the edge of Tess’s gaze was something spiteful and wounded.