He was right. I was sore. It wasn’t painful so much as…uncomfortable. James’s face was above me. Sweat slid down his temple and his eyes were on my mouth, which had fallen open in a soundless gasp and hadn’t closed. He looked into my eyes with a proud, knowing glint in his. He knew he was going to destroy me again. Most of the time men had to keep up with me. I couldn’t keep up with James if I tried. So I didn’t. I gripped his arms and let him take my pussy the way he wanted.
At one point I had this overwhelming desire to tell him I loved him. My brain was disconnected from my body. I wanted him to know what he was doing to me.
Just as I opened my mouth James dropped his arms and rested his full weight on me. I forgot about love. I forgot about anything but his thickness hitting that spot over and over again. I dug my nails into his back, dragging them down to grab handfuls of his perfect ass as it moved in the most perfect rhythm.
“Becca,” he moaned, talking to my damn soul. “I need this. I need you. If you just let me…give me this…I promise. I. Won’t. Ever. Give. You. Anything. To. Fear,” he finally finished, sealing each word with a backbreaking, torturous, phenomenal move of his hips.
I held on to him as hard as I could, getting the distinct impression he was taking me to a place I’d never been before. We were going there together. I nodded in the hollow of his shoulder and wrapped my legs around his waist, urging him even deeper. I wanted him deeper, more, forever, him, his love, his body, his damn soul—I wanted everything James had.
I came with the most singlehandedly intense orgasm of my entire life. I clenched around him, clung to his body, and promised myself that I would never let this man get away from me, not for anything in the entire world. I was lost for what felt like hours, content to roll around in the effects of our pleasure.
When he tried to pull out I wrapped my ankles together around his back, locking him in place. I wanted him to come inside of me. Giving up, he gave in, his deep moans filling my ears as his body stilled, and his hot stream of semen filled the spaces he couldn’t inside of me. There. Now I was his. I’d never let a man come inside of me before. Birth control couldn’t protect me from the threat of an STD. The trust felt intimate on a level I wanted more of.
James’s muscles relaxed and his weight collapsed on top of me. I continued to hold him, falling over the edge without even bothering to catch myself.
I wasn’t afraid anymore. If this is what it got me I would jump willingly every single time.
“I love you,” I whispered, knowing there was no way he could ever hear me.
He remained still. A second later I heard his soft snores in my ear. It dragged me out of my fog and I laughed quietly. I let my legs fall from around his waist but left my arms around his back, rubbing my hands up and down his spine. He was still so deep inside of me I could feel him with every shift of my body. This time it wasn’t warmth that spread through me. It was a fire racing across my heart, blazing over my skin until I was completely and irrevocably consumed by how I felt for this man.
I moved so I could kiss the side of his face. My lips traced his temple, his closed eye, and his soft mouth slightly darkened from our kiss. He smelled like soap and skin and me. His hickey had faded overnight. It was a lavender love bite in the shape of my lips. It hadn’t been about love when I did it. It had been a claim, a leash—a demand that he be mine long before I even had the courage to admit I wanted him to be.
Soon the fog began to clear, allowing me to sleep as well. When I awoke I was alone. My body was covered by his sky blue sheets and his white blanket and I’d rolled onto my side to escape the sun. It shone into his room and lit half of it on fire and left the other half in shadows. The shadows looked ominous, as if they were trying to swallow the light.
I scrambled out of bed, naked and weak. There were clothes laid out on the end of the bed, along with a towel. I examined the clothes to find they were mine, washed and folded, smelling strongly of fabric softener. I wrapped my body in my towel and then tossed my clothes over the ladder, following them down. There was movement beyond the kitchen doors. I ducked into the bathroom and let out a breath. If Uma caught me naked in a towel I’d probably confess things we both had no right sharing.
The bathroom looked the same, but it felt different to me somehow. Less flower power and more like…home.
Showering took some time. My vagina was sore, my limbs were weak, and my thoughts were still drenched in our night and morning together. After conditioning my hair I turned the water off and got dressed. There was a blow dryer on the counter in a basket full of other knickknacks like empty toothpaste tubes and lint rollers. I powered it on and sat on the toilet, using my fingers to get to the roots. I needed makeup. In my haste to get to James I hadn’t brought anything but the clothes on my back.
I found a hairbrush in the drawer and combed my locks until they flowed around my face and shoulders in black waves. I’d slept enough to eliminate the redness in my eyes. My cheeks were flushed and my lips were lifted into a strange, small smile. I hadn’t even known I was smiling until I looked into the mirror. Coupled with my black jeans and dark green tank top and I was as good as I was going to get.
After swishing toothpaste around in my mouth and hanging my towel up to dry, I exited the bathroom. As I pushed the kitchen doors open, I saw James eating cereal.
He paused mid-bite when I came in, his spoon in the air. Heat and warmth filled his gaze. “Morning,” he greeted.
I wasn’t used to this feeling. Butterflies wreaked havoc on my body. I walked over to him, grabbed his face between my hands, and kissed him long and hard. His spoon clattered to the table and he pushed away, pulling me down on his lap. I straddled him and he held me, both of us kissing each other, taking each other, claiming each other.
When our lips slowed he pulled back. Our eyes connected the way they always did. He reached up and held my face, rubbing his thumb over my cheek tenderly.
“You hesitated last night. Why?”
I shook my head, not understanding his question. He looked the same way he did last night in the kitchen. He had something to say.
“When Uma asked if I loved you too. You hesitated. Why?”
My stomach dropped. He’d known every word. I wanted to get off his lap. But James held on to me, pinning me to his body.
“Why? Was it not clear, Becca? Is it hard for you to know that I love you?”
Oh…stop…don’t!
Don’t stop.
I struggled harder. Fear rolled in my stomach. No man had ever looked into my eyes and said three words that up until a month ago I was sure didn’t truly exist.
“Because I can make it clear for you. I can make it so you never have to hesitate again. So I’m going to ask you this and you’re going to say yes. Do you hear me?” He grabbed my face and held me in place, torturing me, loving me.
I nodded as best I could. I couldn’t fight this anymore. If I did I’d only lose it. I’d end up alone, bitter, and on the ground forever with my stupid pride and fear. Putting myself out there was terrifying. It meant giving him the power to truly hurt me. But it also gave me the chance to finally be loved by a man who meant it. A man who I knew would never hurt me to hurt me. He’d never make me get up, bloody and broken, on my own. James would give me his hand and either pull me up or share my wounds.
“Do you think I love you too?” he asked, voice trembling, eyes glistening, heart bleeding with my own.
“Yes,” I whispered. “Can I ask you something now?”
He nodded, still holding my face.
“Do you love me, James?”
“Becca,” he said, “I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone. More than my mom, more than Uma, more than I even love myself. The love I feel for you is all I have. Please don’t ever doubt it again. Doubting that is doubting me, and I think we’ve both done that enough.”
Tears blocked my sight. I blinked them away to find that his were shining. The sight of him near tears healed somethi
ng inside of me. I wrapped my arms around him and held on tight. In his eyes was disbelief, as if I could never love him, shock that maybe I did, and clear fear that I may stop. His thoughts came out with his tears. Stupid man. Someone showed James a terrible example of love the same way my father showed me. He was worth it. I think I was starting to learn that we both were.
“Okay,” I said, leaning back. Without explaining myself I took his cereal bowl from him and set to making him a real breakfast.
He sat there watching me the entire time I fried ham slices, scrambled eggs, and toasted pieces of sourdough bread. I wondered where Uma was, and then silently thanked her for giving us some privacy. I took my seat across from him and watched him dig in to his food with vigor. I was starving myself. It wasn’t every day a man fucked me senseless. The thought made me smirk around my eggs. To hide it I grabbed a slice of toast and pretended to examine the butter smeared on it.
“Do you have work?”
I shook my head and then looked around the room for a way to communicate. Beneath the rather archaic phone in the wall, I found a pad of paper and a number two pencil. Settling back down at the table, I explained myself and then slid it over so he could read.
Max gave me the rest of the week off.
“Can you get next week off too?” He looked down and traced my words. “I’m not ready to go home yet.”
Why?
“Because I have you here. You make feel better. And who says the memories will leave me alone once we get back? I don’t want to deal with them anymore.”
His voice was melancholy. It reminded me that James ran to Tampa. If he hadn’t been running to get away from me, then what was he running from?
What memories?
He shook his head.
I wrote my reply down roughly, my irritation shining through.
Don’t hide things from me. What memories?
He swallowed hard and got up, grabbing both our empty plates on his way to the sink. “Drop it, Becca.”
Did we not just spend the most amazing night together? Profess things together? What was harder to talk about than that? I grabbed the notebook and brought it over, using the counter to write on.
I will not drop it. There’s something going on with you. I want to know why you break down sometimes, why you look so broken. It hurts me when you hurt that way. I want to know what causes it.
He braced himself against the counter, head down, back rising under the pressure of his heavy breaths. “Raina and Kent are waiting on us.”
The pencil in my hand clattered to the floor. I knew he’d said it on purpose to distract me from my questions, but it was the kind of distraction that worked regardless of whether it was purposeful or not. I grabbed his arm, on the edge of attacking him if he didn’t explain himself right now.
“Okay,” he relented. “Rain’s not technically waiting, because she doesn’t know you’re here. But Kent asked me to bring you over there today so you two could talk. He texted me while you were sleeping. Kent’s taking her on the water along with some friends from high school. He wants to surprise her. I was going to surprise you too, but…” He let it hang there.
“But then I started to pry,” I finished for him, even though he wasn’t looking at me anymore. I had to choose right now, and the position he just put me in aggravated me. Either I tried to help him by trying to figure out what made him break so badly, or I went to my sister, someone I missed more than I missed anything and who probably needed me the same way. Amidst my guilt I contemplated this new feeling. I had two people I loved now. Two people who needed me and I would figure out a way to give them both what they needed.
But the reminder that I hadn’t been there for Rain made my vision blur from the guilt and pain I caused my own self. Please don’t cry again, I begged. Honestly, where were these tears coming from?
“Don’t cry, Becca.” He pulled me into his arms and wrapped them around me. “I don’t think you did anything to feel guilty for. Rain either. You suffered enough over it. Her too. Don’t keep beating yourself up. It won’t help you. Why don’t we go over there and fix this? Don’t you want your sister back?”
Why not? I thought pathetically, letting my tears free once more. I’ve been crying for a month straight already.
I clung to him, needing him to hear his words for what they were—the truth. He was right. At this point it didn’t matter who was right or whether either of us had even been wrong to begin with. Rain made her choice, but maybe I’d saw her choice wrong. All I saw was her leaving me, choosing a man over me that I didn’t agree with. She was leaving me alone with myself and it hurt. It hurt to have my purpose ripped away from me. But maybe it wasn’t Rain’s job to be my reason to live. Maybe it was my responsibility to make my life worth living now. Raina found her future. Now I needed to find mine.
So I nodded, because nothing was truer. Of course I wanted my sister back.
His body relaxed and he kissed the top of my head. “Let’s go. They’re taking off in an hour. We don’t have to go out with them, but we’re not leaving there without you fixing things with Raina.”
My stomach twisted with nerves as we cleaned the dishes, found our shoes, and then went outside. We walked the length of the dirt driveway to the back. The garage was open and light spilled through the skylight, highlighting the white-haired woman bent over an ornate iron replica of an angel. It was oddly beautiful, with its graceful curves and cherubic features. The angel held a spherical object in her hands. It was red and pink, looking as though it was made out of glass. It held a suggestion that the angel was holding far more than an ordinary object. I hadn’t realized I’d walked into the garage until she lifted her head and smiled.
“Morning.”
“Morning, Uma.” The garage was full of sculptures and ironwork. Benches, mirror frames, and tables. It smelled like heated metal and incense. I spotted smoke drifting up from one in the corner.
“We’re going to Kent’s,” James announced.
Uma nodded and rose to her feet, signing instead of talking.
“Probably not,” he answered, signing as he spoke.
I’d never get used to the sound of his voice. Every time he said a word my insides clenched, wanting to hear it in my ear, moaning, breaking, falling apart as I did the same. I took a deep breath and shook the thought away. I was still sore from last night and this morning. I’d think I’d want a break. That wasn’t the case. I wanted him right now. Pin me against the wall, take my jeans off, and fill me to the hilt.
“Have fun,” Uma said, looking at me as if she could read my mind.
I looked away. “Will do.”
“Perhaps we could all do dinner sometime while you’re all down with Raina and Kent?”
Her eyes were razor sharp, and though it could have been my paranoia, I swore the woman was a mind reader. “I’d like that. Thank you, Uma. And thank you for everything else too.”
“Of course, dear. I have a feeling you’ll return the favor in the years to come. Won’t you?”
I smiled at her audacity. “I hope so.”
“Well then,” she said, grinning at James, who was frowning at us both. “Go on. I have work to do.”
James nodded toward his truck. He opened the passenger door for me. This time when I crawled inside I plucked the condom wrapper from beneath the mat and held it up to him.
His face reddened. He reached for the wrapper and took off. Uma watched him curiously as he went around behind the garage for what I assumed to be the garbage cans. With a wave at her he returned to the car and started it, not saying a thing about what he just did. I suspected this was a pivotal moment. The cards were off the table. I dug inside my purse and found my phone. As James drove I scrolled through my contacts and erased every male name in my phone other than Max. Even my male “friends” got erased. Most of them had been more on the benefits side than actual friends anyway.
After I’d gotten rid of the last name I felt a sense of relief fall over
me. I hadn’t known how much I despised the idea of those men until I let them go. Going back to them, of using and being used, made me sick with unhappiness. I looked at the side of James’s face as he drove, at his strong jaw, his full lips, the light in his eyes, but really all I saw was someone I was slowly but surely giving my insides to.
Please don’t hurt me.
Thankfully the view outside of my window shifted, distracting me from myself. The distance between houses lengthened, and soon there were no longer any normal family homes, but enormous mansions situated along the bay. I knew from others that Kent’s family was rich. Gwen, a girl he had a sordid past with, informed me of his father’s business and wealth. I knew it originated online and Kent swam in the benefits. At least it meant he could take care of Rain. As long as that was true, Kent and I would somehow find a way to get along.
James drove up to a gate and paused to roll down his window. He punched in a code and then the gates yawned open, granting us access into the Nicholson compound. The driveway was hugged by a brittle and pathetic lawn. Small buds of grass were starting to grow, waking up from their winter slumber. There was a gap between the driveway and front door, and it was full of cars too expensive for me to know the names of.
I gaped at James. He noticed and smiled crookedly, giving me a shrug that I took as saying “Tell me about it.”
“You ready?” he asked, pulling up next to a shiny new silver Mercedes.
I shook my head.
He ignored me. Closing his door, he walked purposely around to my side and wrenched the passenger door open, hand extended. “Let’s go. We’ll go together.”
Once again the offering of his hand felt like he was asking for far more than it seemed. He was taking it so he could lead me to my sister, to the Becca I didn’t know, and ultimately to my future. Taking a deep, soul-clearing breath, I placed my hand in his and accepted his offer once and for all.
My Vicious Demise (Demise #2) Page 27