Watching her soft pink lips form those three words broke me apart and put me together again. Making love to her, taking her body, heart, and pleasure, was by far the most profound moment of my life. I’d never lost myself in a woman, came undone without worrying about ever being whole. When I was with Becca I didn’t have to be anyone but the man she wanted, and that was all right with me.
Finally, I looked back up and nodded slowly. “We haven’t had the boyfriend-girlfriend talk, but I think it’s moot at this point.”
Raina looked perplexed.
It made me feel pathetic. “You don’t agree?” I asked, when really I wanted her to tell me the truth. She didn’t think I was good enough for her sister. It wasn’t that difficult to acknowledge. It was like saying the sky was blue and grass was green. I was a fucking loser who couldn’t even have the one woman he loved.
The one woman who might actually love me back.
The possibility of finally of being loved made me want to wake Becca up and find a way to keep her here with me forever. Marriage wasn’t strong enough, a ring wouldn’t do it. I couldn’t force her. I had to rely on trust, a concept so far removed from everything I was taught it made me hold her closer.
Raina crawled over to get my attention, but I couldn’t look at her. Not even when she shoved my shoulder and forced my face up. I closed my eyes. I respected her. To know she didn’t want me with her sister made me regret ever being open with her.
Suddenly my phone buzzed in my pocket. I opened my eyes to find Rain seething, phone in her hands like a weapon. I relented, reaching into my pocket and careful not to wake Becca. Opening my messages, I quickly read hers, noticing how she’d circumvented actual words for symbols in her haste to lay into me.
Raina: Dont U ever look @ me like that agn U douchebag. I have never treated U that way & I dont appreci8 you treating me that way. Of course I agree. Im just shocked. Becca has nvr luk’d @ any1 the way she luk’d @ U.
So I was good enough? “You just killed my brain cells with that speech. You do know the symbol for ‘at’ doesn’t really count as a word?”
She glared at me and then texted furiously fast.
Raina: @@@@@@@@@@@@@@
I smirked.
Raina: Seriously, James. What’s going on with you two? With you? With her?
James: I’m a loser. She’s the best damn thing that’s ever happened to me. My memories won’t leave me alone. And I think Becca just figured out it was time to stop running.
She looked at me after she’d read my text. Her eyes were alight with emotion. Sadness, understanding, and something that looked a lot like hope.
Raina: First of all, you are not a loser. You’re one of the sweetest, most patient underappreciated men I have ever met. Kent told me about your past. Well, he told me a tiny bit about it. I’m sorry that happened to you. I’m sorry you were hurt. But you can’t let another person define how you view yourself. You get to choose who you are. And if my opinion matters at all, who you are is someone special.
Raina: I’m sorry your memories won’t leave you alone. Sometimes mine don’t either. But you know that, don’t you, James? You catch me drifting off all the time. I’ve learned that you can’t let your past control your life. It’s a part of us, but it isn’t everything. If you let it your fear will ruin you. It will keep you sick.
And then, because no one could seem to help themselves around this damn question.
Raina: Do you love my sister?
Raina: Please say yes. Becca needs a man like you. If I could pick the perfect guy for her you’d be him. Someone kind, gentle, and protective. Someone to love her the way she’s always deserved to be loved.
I had the feeling none of her words required an answer but one. “Yes, I love your sister. But how can I be what she deserves? I’m nothing, Rain. I’m not even worthy of holding her right now.” My chest burned with my admission, but I held her tighter with my free hand, wanting her anyway.
I wanted this damn woman.
Raina looked livid. Rage churned in her hazel eyes.
Raina: Did you hear me at all? You’re delusional. I had no idea you thought this poorly about yourself. You’re so good, James.
Our eyes locked. In hers I saw nothing but sincerity. It was hard to hold her gaze, but I forced myself to maintain it. “What do I do?” I begged. “I don’t know what to do.”
Raina: What do you want to do?
“Honestly? I want her.” I kissed Becca’s hair. “I want to be the man I am when I’m with her. I can’t stand the bastard I am when I’m not, anyway, so what’s the point? And I don’t want to remember anymore. I don’t want to think about my past at all.” My blood pumped through my veins too quickly. “But it won’t go away.”
Raina wiped her eyes and then texted back.
Raina: We can help you. Me, Kent, and Becca. We can help you move on. We can be a family. All me and Becca ever had was each other. All you had was Kent and Uma. But imagine how big our family is now. We’re moving on, even if you don’t think you can, you will. Becca needs to move on too. I didn’t realize how badly she did until she broke down. Let’s move on, James. Let’s let go of our pasts. Together.
After Raina left I held the only woman I’ve ever loved, inhaling her scent, pulling her warmth, and decided to finally let go.
It wasn’t like falling. Letting go was freeing. It was opening my chest and letting the pains of my past free.
When Becca woke up she met my eyes openly. There were clear promises in her gaze, an acceptance I had no choice but to want too. “I love you,” her lips said. “We can do this. We have no choice. I’ll save you if you save me.”
I didn’t even hesitate. “You’re already safe with me, Becca. You never have to worry about that again.”
Her eyes filled and she visibly took a deep breath. “You too,” she promised, touching my chest. “You are safe with me, James.”
She blinked away the tears clouding her sights, grabbed my face, and then pulled me down for a kiss that lasted forever.
Our love wasn’t easy, but it was worth every second of pain and fear we both endured to get to a place where I felt at peace and it was worth it to end up where we both wanted, which was together.
It took me years, decades, to finally accept my past. I didn’t completely let it go, because I couldn’t. Letting my past go meant letting go of the little boy who was buried in my pain. In order to save him I had to save myself. I accepted my pain, my mother, and the abuse. And in doing so I finally saved that little boy.
I loved my children harder than my mother ever loved me. I held them when they cried, protected them when they needed it, and let them go when they were ready to fly. I forgave my mother for not loving me and learned to love myself; to love that little boy who never understood what he did wrong.
He didn’t do anything wrong. That little boy became the man I was, the man I was finally proud to be.
I taught my students how to be deaf. My children taught me how to hear. And most of all I learned that my hearing loss wasn’t a loss at all, but a gift to learn how to hear the things people did not say out loud. I existed in the in-between of words and emotions, and that was probably the most beautiful part. I never took the things I heard for granted, but I cherished the things I couldn’t hear that much more.
And through it all there was my reason for living, the reason I got up every morning, the sole purpose of my existence. Becca taught me how to love but more importantly how to be loved. I like to think I taught her the same thing. We taught each other how to stand tall, how to live, how to be the best people we could be because that was what we deserved.
Every night I went to sleep knowing I was loved, that I loved, and that my memories couldn’t steal that from me.
My past happened, the time before Becca too, and I lived within the darkness. I survived and I wouldn’t change a thing. Wouldn’t take away the pain, because that pain made my happiness that much more profound. I wouldn’t take aw
ay the fear, because it made my strength even stronger. I wouldn’t take away my hearing loss, because when Becca signed “I love you,” I didn’t need to hear that. I felt it.
Rebecca Rush saved me.
She gave me life.
She made it worth living every day.
I was finally alive.
Acknowledgments
The more books I write and publish, the more I learn that writing them is really only part of the process. The other process involves so many other amazing people. People who take their time to make your book better, to give your book love, and the people who stand behind you during every word.
My parents and family banish my self-doubt, love me when I forget to love myself, and root for me no matter how big or small the accomplishment. I love you guys with all my heart and soul!
Therese Arkenberg, my editor: You had a big hand in turning The Demise Series into what it is. You pushed me and your attention to detail was a blessing, forcing me to do my absolute best, because that's what Kent, Raina, James, and Becca deserved. You rock! Thank you!
To those awesome ladies and readers who rooted for Kent and Raina and couldn't wait for James and Becca's happy ending. There's so many of you! PopKitty, Am at Livingthroughbookss, Mybooklatte, Kitty Kats Crazy About Books, all the ladies at Smokin Hot Reads, Paige, Lina's Reviews A Book Blog, Pretty Little Book Reviews, Sandra at Two Book Pushers...I could go on forever. If I missed anyone it's because I'm thinking about other things, like sequels and Kent and Raina and James and Becca! I appreciate all of my readers and am thankful for the time they've taken to bring me into their worlds and hearts.
Thank you all!
About the Author
When I walk into a book store I feel at home. When I smell the pages of a brand new book things make sense. When I read I am who I always wanted to be. I read to escape and I write so others can as well. My family, my actress dog Bella, coffee, and a steamy love story are a few of my most precious things. Keep up to date with future releases by following my site:
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My Vicious Demise (Demise #2) Page 29