by Leann Harris
“Sometimes when our moms yell at us, it’s because they are scared we might have been hurt.”
“Really?”
“So if your mom yells at you when she shows up, it’s because she was afraid.”
Wes didn’t appear convinced. When he finished his doughnut and milk, he turned and asked, “Could I go and see Spice one last time? And maybe Helo and Sadie?”
Joel had left Spice tied to his trailer. “Sure, I think she might like to see you, and I know I need to bring her a treat since I left her tied up. Helo and Sadie are already in the trailer.”
Joel grabbed a peppermint from Hank’s stash, and they walked to where Spice stood. Wes talked to her and stroked her neck. Joel handed the boy the candy and he fed it to her.
“I’m going to miss you, girl,” Wes murmured close to her ear.
Turning, Spice nudged him with her muzzle.
Wes wrapped his arms around the horse’s neck and laid his head against Spice’s shoulder.
Seeing how Wes interacted with the horse made Joel realize how much he cared for these children. But if he married April, he would have no sons or daughters of his own. It hadn’t been an issue before, because he hadn’t planned on marrying anytime soon. Until this week, he’d had no other vision in his life than winning that belt buckle. When he did marry, he’d just naturally assumed he’d have kids. His kids. But now?
He heard the pounding of feet, then April appeared, carrying Cora, Todd beside her. She put the little girl down and hugged Wes.
“Do you know what I went through when I walked into your room and didn’t find you? Couldn’t find you anywhere?” She choked the words past the tears clogging her throat.
Wes glanced at him and Joel raised his brow.
April pulled back. “And when you get home tonight from school, you’re going to be grounded and have extra chores.” She opened the big cotton bag on her shoulder and pulled out clean jeans and a shirt. “You need to change, then I’ll drive you to school.”
He nodded and walked to the men’s restroom. She stood and tried to ignore Joel.
He stepped closer, not wanting his words to be heard by the other kids and the cowboys witnessing the scene. “Don’t be too hard on him. He thought it might’ve been something he did that caused me to leave.”
She whirled, her face drained of color. “What did you tell him?”
“I told him it wasn’t his fault.”
She opened her mouth to say something, but his words stopped her. “He asked if they weren’t enough for me.” Taking a deep breath, he struggled to get his emotions under control. “So, be gentle with him.”
She nodded. “I hadn’t thought.”
“I’ve spent all night thinking about what you said, and it doesn’t matter to me, April, about having more children.”
Her gaze softened. “Maybe not today, Joel, but it will, and I’ll always worry about it. What day will it be that you realized you made a mistake? You’re a man about family. Who else would’ve given up their career to care for their sister?”
“You’re proving my point.”
She shook her head. “This time, it’s different. Until last Monday, your main goal was to win the championship buckle. You hadn’t planned to quit or suddenly acquire a family. I don’t want to stand in your way of a goal you’d had for a long time. If my boys hadn’t hired you, you would’ve never thought of quitting.”
He saw the fear in her face and knew she was grasping for any excuse.
Wes showed up, dressed for school.
“Let’s get moving, boys. You’re already late for school.” She shooed them toward the door.
“April,” Joel called out.
She stepped closer and cupped his cheek. “I wish you well, Joel. Let me know if you win. Thank you for all you’ve done for the children and me. You brought them laughter after a long time of sadness. Thank you. Take care.”
Her determined stride took her away, making him realize how much he’d miss them.
“You should’ve fought harder,” Hank said.
“You’re right,” Joel whispered.
* * *
That night, April sat in her room, feeling as though she’d been kicked by one of the horses. There’d been no chatter at the table tonight. Three quiet children had declined watching TV and gone to their rooms.
Her phone rang.
“What’s going on?” Kelly asked. “My kids told me that your boys came to school late.”
“Wes walked to the auditorium this morning to talk to Joel.”
“Why would he do that?”
April swallowed. “Joel proposed to me on Sunday.”
The squeal that came across the phone line made April jerk the handset away from her ear. “That’s wonderful, April. So why do you sound so sad?”
“Kelly, Joel wants children of his own. I told him I couldn’t have any more children. You should’ve seen his face.” April took a couple of deep breaths to steady herself instead of breaking down and blubbering like a two-year-old. “It shattered his dreams.”
“Did he say that?” Kelly demanded.
“No, but I know it would eventually matter, and if we were married and he decided he wanted children, it just wouldn’t work.”
“Shame on you, April Landers. You didn’t give that man a chance. If he said it didn’t matter, you should’ve believed him.”
“I couldn’t count on it. It would hurt us less now than if we got married and he decided he wanted children.”
“From what I saw of the man, I think you could’ve trusted him.”
“It’s too late, Kelly. He’s gone.”
“Well, April, with that logic, you’re never going to remarry, if you can’t trust a man to love you and your family.”
“I know.”
After agreeing to meet in town tomorrow, April hung up.
Had Kelly been right? Had she not given Joel enough credit?
It was too late now.
Chapter Sixteen
Joel flew off the bucking horse, landing hard on his back. The air whooshed out of him, making him feel as if he’d been hit with a two-by-four. Several cowboys hurried to where he lay.
“You okay?” Buck asked, looking down at him.
Joel could only nod.
Buck reached down and Joel took his hand and stood. As Joel limped out of the arena, the audience applauded. Lifting his hat, he acknowledged their concern and support.
Once out of sight, Joel dusted off the dirt clinging to his jeans.
“Your head’s not in your game,” Jack said as he walked toward him.
“Yeah, I did a miserable job tonight.”
“Are you going to be off this stop, too? You didn’t do so hot a job in Amarillo.”
Joel blinked several times. He’d chalked his poor performance up to the emotions of leaving April and the kids. He’d expected to eventually shake off the sadness, find his focus again, and his drive for the belt buckle would go back to normal. It wasn’t working out that way. He couldn’t get Wes’s plea out of his head. Nor could he ignore the wounded look in April’s eyes.
“I’d ask you what’s wrong, but I don’t want to appear stupid,” Jack said.
Joel folded his arms across his chest. “Meaning?”
“Meaning?” Jack’s eyes widened then he shook his head. “Every cowboy here knows you left your heart and your talent in Lubbock.”
Joel sputtered but didn’t bother to deny it.
“So you’re just going to walk away without a fight? I figured you were a smarter man than that.”
Joel didn’t want to reveal the real reason for breaking up with April. “There are some things that can’t be changed.”
“Yeah, what?”
Joel patted Jack on the back. “Thanks for the concern.” He moved to the far side of the gates and watched the rest of the cowboys finish their events.
After the night’s performance, Joel pitched in to make sure the animals were fed, watered and settle
d down. He worked with a minimum of talk. When he finished, he went to his trailer.
Sitting alone, he finally accepted the truth. He’d managed to avoid reality in Amarillo by driving himself to exhaustion. But now he knew he had to deal with it.
If he wanted children of his own, he’d have to forget April and marry someone else. He’d told her not having his own kids was okay with him, but he’d said the words to keep her from walking away. She’d seen he hadn’t really meant them and sent him on his way.
“Move on.” The words tasted bitter on his tongue.
Could he do that? Did he want to do that?
What was a man’s true legacy? Was it children? Or was it how a man lived his life and treated others? Maybe God had meant for him to love April as his wife and Wes, Todd and Cora as his children. God had known this was the family he belonged with—and to.
Someone knocked on his door.
“It’s open,” he called out.
The door opened and Millie stood there. She didn’t enter, but placed her fists on her hips. “I thought you were a smart man.”
Joel sat up straight, ready to defend himself.
“Just wipe that outraged expression from your face. Stupid is stupid, and I know you’re not a stupid man. What’s wrong with you?” Millie waved away the question. “Never mind. It doesn’t matter. You’re missing a special lady and her children. So why are you here in Wichita Falls when they are in Lubbock?”
“She’s afraid.”
“’Course she is.”
“She’s afraid I might want children of my own.” He ran his fingers through his hair.
“I can understand that. To go back and have another baby when she’s got the youngest out of diapers, well, that’s asking a lot of a woman. I think I would’ve broken Mike’s arm if he wanted another baby after I got all of them out of diapers.”
“It isn’t a choice, Millie. She can’t, and she’s afraid I would want a child of my own.”
“Oh.” That took some of the wind out of her sails. She studied him. “Do you?”
“I’ve purposely avoided dealing with the question until now. But after that last horse dumped me on my back and shook some sense into me...”
“You better answer that question, and quickly, because that door might not remain open.”
“Thanks, Millie.” He closed the door and sat on the bunk. He’d been miserable these past weeks away from April. Late at night, when things settled down around the rodeo, he could hear April’s laughter and see her smile. She’d made his heart beat in a way it hadn’t before. Oh, sure, she’d had her guard up when he first showed up at the ranch, but it hadn’t taken long for her to lower her defenses and allow him to see the woman she was.
And he liked that woman.
Admired that woman.
Loved that woman.
And missed those boys and the little princess who wanted to be held.
But there would be no other children. Could he live with that?
He rolled the idea around in his head.
His phone rang. Joel’s heart jumped. Maybe it was April. Snatching his phone, he answered. “Yes.”
“Hey, big brother, how’s it going?”
“Oh, it’s you.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Brenda snapped.
“Sorry, sis. I was hoping you were someone else.”
“Who? That rancher you worked for?”
“April. Yeah, that’s who.”
“You know, Joel, when you came home after the accident that killed Mom, Dad and Grandma, there were days I wanted to talk to you about my hurt, but I convinced myself I could deal with it. I couldn’t.”
“I’m sorry I failed you, sis.”
“Talk to me, Joel. What’s wrong?”
“I fell in love with a beautiful woman with three children.” He explained what the issues were.
“Do you think that either Gramps or Dad would say don’t marry her? Or Mom or Grandma? God put that woman in your path, kinda like He put Caleb in mine. And I think you belong there with April and her family. As for that belt buckle, well, you’ll have to work that out with the lady. But don’t walk away. You’ll regret it. And there’s more to my big brother than just walking away because of April’s condition. Do you want to be those children’s father?”
He did. “Thanks, sis. I’ll let you know if you need to come out to Lubbock for a wedding.”
“Call me with the answer today or tomorrow when you get back to where you should be.”
He knew what to do. He found Jack.
“I’m leaving early tomorrow morning, Jack. I left something very important in Lubbock.”
Jack grinned. “We were wondering how long it would take you to realize you needed to go back. Ty got it right. He’s off chores for the next week.”
Joel’s jaw dropped. “You were wondering how long it would take? How many others are in on this?”
“To a man, we’re all in.”
“Thanks for telling me.” Joel ran his fingers through his hair.
“It had to be your decision. We were waiting.” Jack shrugged. “Hey, we may be cowboys, but we recognize lovesickness when we see it.”
Suddenly applause broke out and Joel looked around at the grinning faces of all the cowboys and those who worked with the rodeo.
At five the next morning, Joel loaded Spice in her trailer and said goodbye.
Jack clapped Joel on the back. “Get going. I think you have a family to see.”
He did. His family. If they’d still have him.
* * *
April worked in the barn, checking to see what she needed and what she could afford on her limited budget. She paused, fighting back tears. She hadn’t realized she’d miss Joel as much as she did. The loneliness and heartache intensified when she saw how Joel’s absence affected the children. There’d been no laughter since he left.
The other day, April had overheard Cora telling her horse that she missed Daddy Joel. Her innocent comment had stolen April’s breath.
Todd and Wes seemed to have had the air let out of them as they moped about. The first day after Joel left, the boys had tried to practice with their lariats. Todd had burst into tears. Wes had managed to lasso the post on the corral gate. April had applauded and tried to talk it up.
“Aren’t you proud of yourself, Wes?”
He shrugged.
“Well, I’m proud of you.”
“I wish Mr. Joel was here to see it.”
She didn’t say anything else.
She’d done the right thing, so why did it feel so wrong? Sometimes she’d wake in the middle of the night and ask God why Joel hadn’t stayed.
Church folk didn’t ask her what had happened, but several of the people in her Sunday school class hugged her and said they were praying for her. Last Sunday, after listing the prayer requests the pastor had added, “For all those who are dealing with grief.” She felt as if a spotlight picked her out of the audience.
Kelly knew the real reason why April had ended the short-lived engagement, but her support seemed somewhat muted. April didn’t understand and wasn’t up to asking why.
She sat on a bale of hay in the barn. What if she’d been wrong about Joel? Maybe he’d been sent by God to be the answer to her prayers and she’d turned her back.
“Mom, Mom,” Wes called out.
Before she could answer, she heard the children squeal.
“Mom, come here. Quick.”
She heard Cora shriek again.
April’s heart jerked. Had something happened? She raced out of the barn expecting the worst and stopped dead. Her three children jumped around, grinning and cheering.
“He’s here! He’s here!” Wes chanted.
Cora had her horse and yelled, “Daddy Joel!”
Todd yelled, “Yeah, he’s home. Thank You, Jesus.”
April didn’t know whether to cheer at Todd’s actions or jump up and down with the children. Instead, she stood rooted to the
ground.
Joel’s truck drove toward the barn. What was he doing here? His truck had his horse trailer attached.
Her heart started to pound.
Joel stopped the truck in front of the barn, opened the truck door, and the kids mobbed him.
“Mr. Joel,” the kids shouted.
Wes and Todd wrapped their arms around Joel’s waist and leg. He patted their backs. Cora raised her arms and he scooped her up.
She gave him a kiss on the cheek. “Missed you.”
Joel did a double take. “I missed you, too. And Wes and Todd.” He walked toward April. “And I missed your mama real bad.”
“Why’d you go away?” Todd asked.
“Well, sometimes, we make boneheaded decisions, but I missed you so much so I came back. I’d like to make this ranch my home, because I love the beautiful woman who lives here, and I love her children. I’d like to make this family my forever family. I was wondering if she’d marry that old cowboy who needs a home.”
The kids looked from Joel to April.
“Can you live with my limitations?” Her eyes locked with his. “And can you live without a championship belt buckle?” She wanted to believe, but could she trust her heart?
He smiled. “I’ve realized that a belt buckle can’t compare with the wonderful gift that I found here. I was hired for a week, but I’d like to apply for the long-term job of husband and daddy. And no belt buckle can compare with that. Besides, I need to make sure these boys can whirl a lariat and rope a fence post.”
“I got the fence post last week,” Wes piped up.
Could she believe? God knows the desires of our hearts. When she’d prayed for help, He’d sent Joel. Would He have sent a man who wasn’t right for her?
Joy filled April. This time she wouldn’t ignore the gift she’d been given. She stepped close to Joel and he wrapped his free arm around her waist. April leaned up and whispered in his ear, “Yes.”
Joel brushed a kiss across her lips.
“What did she say?” Wes asked.
“She said yes.”
The boys shouted and jumped around. Cora wanted down and joined her brothers in their happy dance.
April slid her arms around Joel. “Did you know you’re an answer to prayer?”