by Leann Harris
April nodded, trying not to break down in tears and frighten her children.
Joel stood by her truck. He had a puzzled look on his face. Wes and Todd stood beside him, subdued. April clicked the automatic door locks, opening the truck. Joel strapped Cora in her seat while April helped Todd.
When she walked to the driver’s door, Joel caught her arm.
“What’s wrong?” he whispered. “I hope you’re not upset Todd told everyone.”
Refusing to look at him, she said, “No, I’m not upset with that.” Slipping by him, she got into the driver’s seat.
“I’ll be by later.”
Still not meeting his gaze, she nodded, started the truck and drove off.
The fairy tale had lasted less than a few hours. But at least she’d had a moment.
* * *
Joel stood in the parking lot watching April speed away.
“I don’t know what happened there,” Jack said. “I hope the cowboys didn’t upset her.”
Rubbing the back of his neck, Joel was clueless. “I honestly don’t know, but something went wrong.”
“I’d give her some time before you try to talk to her.” Jack shook his head. “Women are curious creatures that not a cowboy in this place knows how to deal with. Bulls, horses, cows, calves, we’ve got it nailed, but women are beyond understanding. Too bad they don’t come with instruction manuals like I have on my truck and tractor.”
Truer words were never spoken.
* * *
The cowboys packed up what they could that afternoon so Monday morning they could load the livestock and head on out to Amarillo.
Joel listened for his cell to ring all afternoon, but so far, nothing. He searched his brain as to what was said that had upset April. The other cowboys had been teasing them about marriage and kids.
When Millie asked him if they’d have another child, he’d automatically said yes. From April’s reaction, something was wrong, but what?
“Haven’t heard from April?” Millie asked, stopping by his trailer.
“No. Do you have any clue what upset her?” At this point he was desperate.
Tapping her lips with her finger, Millie thought. “Can’t say as if I could tell you, but a face-to-face with the woman is the best way for you to deal with things. You can see her reactions to what you’re saying to know if you’re right or wrong. Go out there.”
He stood and brushed a kiss across her cheek. “Thanks for the good advice.”
“Hope you get things straightened out with April.”
“Thanks.”
As he drove out to the ranch, he prayed for the understanding he needed to fix the problem and the grace to do it.
When he drove up to the ranch, he saw all three kids sitting on the porch. They rushed to the pickup before he stopped.
“Mr. Joel.” They gathered around him. He hugged each child.
“I’m so glad you’re here. Mom’s sitting on her bed just staring off into space. She won’t talk to us,” Wes explained.
“I tried to show her I could get my lariat to stay up, but she just said, ‘That’s good.’”
Cora held up her stuffed horse. “Mama didn’t want horsey. Horsey makes you feel better.”
The more the kids talked, the more worried he became. “Wes, why don’t you tell your mom I’m in the kitchen and want to talk?”
Wes stood and raced into the house.
Joel turned to the other two children. “Todd, when I talk to your mom, would you stay outside with your sister?”
Todd nodded. “I want Mom to smile again.”
“I do, too.” Joel ruffled Todd’s hair and brushed a kiss across Cora’s forehead.
Walking into the kitchen, Joel came face-to-face with Wes.
“She’s coming,” he whispered.
“Stay outside with your brother and sister.” Wes walked out of the kitchen.
Joel waited, not moving until April walked in. Her eyes were red and puffy. He took a step toward her, but she held up her hand.
“What’s wrong, April? What happened? Did someone insult you?”
She pointed to the table. Once they were seated, she took a deep breath. “I wish it was that easy.”
He wanted to assure her it was but held his tongue.
“I don’t remember who asked if you wanted a baby with me,” she began.
“It does—”
She held up her hand stopping him.
His heart pounded.
She took a breath. “Do you remember when I told you I wasn’t going to have any more babies?”
“I do.” A sick feeling started in the pit of his stomach.
“It isn’t a choice, Joel. When I had Cora, I started to hemorrhage. I ended up having a hysterectomy. Physically, I cannot have any more children, and I know most men want a child of their own.”
He opened his mouth to deny it, but no words came out.
She gave him a sad smile. “I didn’t think you’d be able to get over that little hump. And then we hadn’t discussed whether you were going to finish out the season or stay here with me to help with the harvest. But at this point, there’s no need to discuss those piddling details if you can’t get over the fact I can’t have any more babies.”
Words vanished for him as he struggled to take in what April had said. He remembered her saying she wasn’t going to have any more children, but he’d thought she was just trying to make a point. He’d thought nothing of it at the time.
“It was a beautiful dream while it lasted, but I’ll always know you’d never be happy not having a child of your own. Thank you for helping my children. I hope you fulfill your dream and win that belt buckle.”
He wanted to argue with her that she was wrong, but suddenly he couldn’t. They stood and he caught her hand. He searched her gaze for a confirmation of her words, and the sadness in her eyes told him the truth. He squeezed her hand, turned and walked out onto the porch.
“Is everything okay, Mr. Joel?” Wes asked, his face filled with worry.
Joel squatted and rested his hands on Wes’s shoulders. “Not exactly.” Wes wouldn’t understand about wanting a child of his own, but he couldn’t walk off and leave the kids without a goodbye. “Some things have come up and changed our plans. But know that I love y’all.”
“What’s happened? Did I do something wrong to make you mad?” Each word grew louder and louder, filled with fright.
Wes’s distress ripped through him faster that an angry bull tore through a paper banner. “There’s nothing you did, Wes. You, Todd and Cora are the best.”
“Then why are you not staying and marrying Mom?”
The loud words brought both Todd and Cora to the porch.
“You told everyone at the cowboy church this morning you and Mom were getting married. What happened?” Tears filled Wes’s eyes.
When Joel looked up, April stood outside the kitchen door, her expression as stricken as Wes’s.
“Mr. Joel and I are not going to get married,” April said quietly.
All the kids turned to her.
“Why, Mom?” Wes asked.
“It’s complicated.”
“What does that mean?” Todd demanded.
They were sinking fast.
“That means things came up,” Joel answered, wanting to spare April from having to explain the situation to her kids.
Three little faces fixed on him, waiting for an explanation they would understand, but he didn’t have one. He didn’t understand it, either.
“What things?” Todd asked.
“Kids, say goodbye to Mr. Joel,” April instructed.
If he’d kicked the kids, their expression couldn’t have been filled with more pain. They simply looked at him with sad eyes, saying nothing.
He didn’t know how he walked to his truck and drove off with his heart bleeding so badly. He only knew he left his heart at the ranch.
Chapter Fifteen
Joel walked from Hank’s trailer with a couple of carrots
on his way to see Spice.
“Hey, girl.” He stood by the corral and Spice came trotting toward him. She took the carrot from his hand and chomped down.
Here was a female he understood. Well, he did understand April’s reason for ending their engagement. Could he be happy just raising April’s children and not have a child of his own? He didn’t know.
“So why are you here talking to your horse?” Jack asked.
“I wanted to talk to a female I understood.”
“I’ll amen that. As long as I’ve been married, I’ve never figured out the female of the species. My wife tells me what to do and I just roll along with the demands.” He studied Joel. “This have anything to do with a certain lady rancher?”
Joel ran his fingers through his hair. “Can’t fool you.”
“Well, I’m not Dear Abby, but even I caught how fast April left here alone.” Jack waited. “Anything I can do for you?”
“No. There’s nothing you or I can do to change this.”
“Are you coming with us when we pull up stakes tomorrow?” Jack asked.
“As of now, I am.”
Joel stared at the floor, still numb. This morning he’d been in the heights of joy. Now he was at the depths of despair.
“I hope all our celebration didn’t put April off.”
“No, that wasn’t it. I appreciate everyone’s good wishes and congratulations. It was a different issue.”
“If I can help in any way, let me know.” Jack walked away.
Joel wouldn’t reveal April’s secret.
No more babies.
Did she think him so shallow that he’d walk away from them because he wanted a child of his own? The question brought him up short.
Did it matter? He’d never thought about it until it hit him square in the face, leaving him without an answer.
“Lord, is it so wrong to want a child that is my own? To want to pass on the family name?” His sister and her husband were expecting. But that child would be a Jensen. If he didn’t have a boy of his own, there would be no more Kayes. It hadn’t mattered to him before, but now?
He still could have children of his own, but not with the woman he loved. How fair was that?
He didn’t know what to do.
Prayer.
He needed to talk to God. There was an answer, but he didn’t know what it was.
* * *
April tucked her boys into their beds. They’d remained quiet since Joel drove off. She wondered when the questions would come.
“Mom, why did Mr. Joel leave?” Todd asked.
She knew Wes was listening.
Sitting down on Todd’s bed, she said, “Well, I think Mr. Joel wanted to have babies of his own, and I can’t have any more babies. He needed to know that truth before we married. It wasn’t fair to him not to tell him. Half-truths are lies.”
Both boys looked at her.
“Aren’t we ’nough?” Todd whispered.
Her heart jerked. “You’re my life and my joy. Mr. Joel—” She swallowed.
“I don’t understand. If you love each other—”
“I know. It’s complicated.” That was a cop-out, but she didn’t think Todd would understand when she didn’t.
“He doesn’t love us enough to stay here?”
April winced. “That’s not it.”
“Okay, what is it?”
“When Joel was younger, he came very close to winning a belt buckle, but his parents were killed in a car accident.”
“Like our dad.”
Todd’s words stopped her cold. The two events were nothing alike. “Joel quit rodeoing and went home to help his younger sister with their ranch, giving up his career. Now he’s very close to winning this time, and he might want to finish this year’s competition and win for himself.” The boys simply stared at her.
“So wouldn’t he come back?”
“Yes, but—” He might want his own children down the line and come to realize he can’t live with my limitations. That was the reason she avoided men like Joel. “It’s hard to explain.”
Todd rubbed his eyes. Wes refused to look at her. Her boys had gone through this disappointment before with their father, then had just recovered from the death of their grandfather. Their pain was her fault. She should’ve refused Joel’s help in planting her fields, but how could she have done that, since it was the boys who’d hired him?
She could’ve at least not given in to her heart, allowing Joel to woo her and her family. The price the kids were paying was too much.
“I know it’s hard now, son. But time will help.”
“It’s never going to be better,” Todd said softly, then turned his back on her.
Wes closed his eyes and threw his arm over his face. She knew if she tried to kiss Wes good-night, she’d make things worse. Silently, she turned off the light and left the room.
Stopping in the hall, she checked Cora. The little girl had pouted when April put her to bed.
April went to her room and lay down. Curling around one of the king-size pillows on her bed, she buried her face into its softness as the sobs came fast and hard. She’d been so lost in the happiness of falling in love, it had never occurred to her that the fact she couldn’t have any more children would be a major stumbling block. But it was. No matter how she wanted it to be different, she had to face reality, again.
She’d faced Ross’s desertion of his family, the deaths of her in-laws and the neglect of her parents and made it through. But this time, the circumstances cut her heart to pieces, and she didn’t know if she would make it.
Why, God, have You allowed such pain into their lives? Why?
* * *
The next morning as they were doing the final packing to get on the road, Ty called out, “Joel, you’ve got a visitor.”
His heart skipped a beat, thinking maybe April had come to see him. Joel tied Spice to the ring on the outside of his horse trailer and walked to where Ty was helping load the calves onto the cattle truck. Wes stood there looking lost until he saw Joel and ran to him.
Wes wrapped his arms around Joel’s waist.
“Is your mother here?” Joel asked.
Wes shook his head.
“How did you get here?”
“I walked.”
With his mind reeling from the dangers Wes could have encountered, Joel figured the boy had to have left home at four-thirty or five o’clock.
Before Joel could say anything, Wes blurted, “I heard Mom crying last night after you left. She cried into her pillow, so’s she wouldn’t be heard.”
Joel gently disengaged Wes from his waist, then squatted to be eye level with him.
“Is it me, Mr. Joel? Am I the reason you’re not staying with us to marry Mom?” Wes’s eyes filled with tears. “’Cause if that’s it, I promise I’ll be so good and do anything you want. I want Mama to smile and laugh again. And when you’re there, she does.”
All activity ceased and no one uttered a sound. Joel took a breath, looking around, seeing all the cowboys’ sober expressions. They’d told him they thought he should stay with the kid and his mother. Joel searched for Millie. Maybe she could help him make Wes understand a situation that he didn’t.
Joel led Wes to his trailer and sat him on the steps. Wiping the moisture from the boy’s face, he said, “Wes, it is nothing you or your brother or your sister did. Your mama worried I might want another baby, and she told me she couldn’t have any more babies, and if it was important to me, then I should know.”
“Aren’t we enough for you?”
That was the question Joel had wrestled with all night, but he still had no answer.
Joel hugged the boy. “You are a stand-up young cowboy, and any man would be proud to have you as his son.”
“My dad wasn’t.”
Wes’s answer ripped him up inside, leaving Joel to wonder if he wouldn’t bleed out.
Out of the corner of his eye, Joel saw Millie blanch. He drew back and looked
into Wes’s face. He wanted to assure this young man that it was his father’s shallowness that had caused the problem, but Wes didn’t need him trashing his father.
“Wes, your dad was human, and humans make mistakes. From what I’ve seen of you, Todd and Cora, you are all great kids.”
“We can’t be that good, since you don’t want to stay with us, either.”
Another dagger sliced his heart.
There was no way to explain. No way to stop the hurt or fix the situation without more hurt. Joel stepped back. “You probably haven’t eaten. Let’s go see Hank to see if he has anything you might like.”
Wes studied the floor for a moment until his stomach growled. Joel didn’t wait for an answer, but headed toward the concession stand.
“Hank, do you have anything that a hungry boy could eat?”
Hank walked out of the kitchen with a scowl on his face. “What do you—” One look at Wes brought the complaint to a halt.
“I’ve packed everything.” After a moment, Hank said, “Wes, do you like chocolate doughnuts?”
The boy nodded.
“I’ve got one I’ve stashed away for a snack later this morning, but I think I know a young man who could use it more than me. And I’ll bring you a carton of milk to wash that doughnut down with.”
“Thank you,” Wes whispered.
Joel sat across from Wes. “I’ll need to call your mom to let her know you’re safe.”
Wes nodded.
Other cowboys continued to glance over at Wes. A mixture of emotions crossed their faces. Joel didn’t want to do this because it would get Wes in trouble, but he couldn’t have April worried. He dialed the house number. The phone didn’t finish its first ring when it was picked up.
“Yes.”
“April, I want you to know that Wes is here with me. He’s safe.”
“Oh, thank you. I was crazy worried about him.”
“I can drive him out to the ranch.”
“No, I’ll be there and pick him up and take him on to school.” She hung up.
Wes glanced up at him. “Is she mad?”
“She didn’t say anything. Your mom’s bringing school clothes so you can go to school. But she was very worried about you.”
Hank brought the doughnut and milk and Wes paid attention to the doughnut, avoiding eye contact with anyone. The hunch of Wes’s shoulders told Joel of his discouragement and his worry about what his mom might do.